Posted on March 5, 2003


Cranial Tumbleweeds

Crow droppings, the WNBA, liberal Lincoln, etc.


Daniel Clark


* We're told that the timing of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed's arrest was critical, and now we can see why. Judging from the picture of him that was released to the press, he was nabbed just when it was time to make the donuts.

* It turns out that the "interpreter" for Dan Rather's snively interview with Saddam Hussein was really an American actor named Steve Winfield, who affected an Arabic accent for the production. The truth be known, he was actually the most genuine participant among the three of them.

* Like most people, I was happily unaware of the existence of Janeane Garofalo until the war protests started. It came as more than a bit of a surprise, then, to see the word "comedian" appear under her name when she spoke on TV (the more concise word, "comedienne," having apparently been banned by news editors). It is nearly impossible to imagine this woman ever being intentionally funny. By the look of her, she couldn't crack a joke with a ball-peen hammer. Perhaps she's auditioning to become a comedian in France.

* When pop singer Sheryl Crow appeared in a tee-shirt reading "war is not the answer," and stated that "the best way to solve problems is not to have enemies," some people began questioning her intelligence. That's not fair. To call her statement stupid gives her far too much credit, because the real answer is far worse. By saying that the solution is not to have enemies, she's implying that the very fact that we have enemies is our own fault, and not theirs. This is a variation of the "why do they hate us" theme that leftists have been pounding ever since 9-11, and those who promote it should not be let off the hook with a mere presumption of stupidity.

* One of the most vocal critics of the looming war with Iraq has been British singer George Michael. Considering that Michael was arrested a few years ago for lewd conduct in a public restroom, he would be wise not to side with a country where criminals are punished by severing things.

* Now that all these celebrities are voicing concerns about the cost of the war, they ought to be more than willing to eliminate frivolities like the National Endowment for the Arts.

* Have you noticed how the word "closure" has faded from American discourse, now that the result desired by the psychobabblers is an indefinite continuance of the status quo?

* For years, liberals like Bill Clinton have insulted the world with condescending speeches about how wrong it is to hate others because they are different from ourselves. In response to Islamic terrorism, though, their first instinct is to ask what it is we different people have done wrong.

* Enough of this "what could be more American than dissent" blather. What is really quintessentially American is the freedom to dissent, and for that the praise belongs to the United States, and not to the demonstrators who betray it. Some of the organizers of these protest marches are outspoken Communists, who, if they had their way, would deprive the rest of us of those same rights they now enjoy.

* People who have trouble defending their views like to talk about their right to free speech as if it were a right for one's speech to be free from criticism. Nobody is suggesting that people who oppose the U.S. war effort should be forbidden from speaking; we're simply confronting their opinions with our own. When they respond to this criticism by invoking the First Amendment, they're really expressing their belief that it should not apply to those who disagree with them.

* Filmmaker Michael Moore, author of Stupid White Men, blames the destruction of the World Trade Center on the passengers of the hijacked airplanes. He suggests that they, being white people, weren't brave enough to stand up to the hijackers. Moore's anger is misguided, of course. His shame should be directed not at his own white skin, but at all that gunk it encases.

* Perhaps the phoniest argument against invading Iraq is that North Korea is a greater threat. It's doubtful there's a single person making this complaint who would be in favor of attacking North Korea instead, if President Bush were to do it tomorrow.

* Many of those "human shields" who volunteered to go to Baghdad to "protect Iraqi civilians" have turned around and started home, because they've discovered in the meantime that being a human shield can be dangerous. Obviously, these people deserve to have their opinions listened to.

* Benjamin Netanyahu would make a great hockey coach. Just picture the former Israeli prime minister standing behind the bench, staring down a referee. Next to him, Scotty Bowman would look about as intimidating as Orville Redenbacher.

* The people at CNN might say that their network's slide in the ratings has to do with something other than its shameless promotion of its radical left-wing agenda, and that all it really needs is a few fresh faces and more creative formats. To find the truth, however, you really have to look no farther than CNN's Havana Bureau. Fidel Castro does not allow reporters into his country unless he knows what they're going to say, and approves of it. So basically, CNN has willingly become a puppet for a brutal Communist dictator. Not everybody is aware that the CNN Havana Bureau exists, but the fact that it does would surprise nobody, and therein lies the problem.

* When Tony Blair was first elected prime minister, he was often referred to as the Bill Clinton of England. Nobody is calling him that now.

* Perjurer, disbarred lawyer, and impeached former president Bill Clinton has had his name pulled for jury duty, and his lawyer says he's willing to serve. How much do you suppose Hugh Rodham would collect for a "not guilty" verdict?

* First, novelist Toni Morrison declares Bill Clinton to be black, and many liberals agree. Now, congressional Democrats complain that Honduran-born judge Miguel Estrada is not sufficiently Hispanic. Sometimes it seems that the Democrats should replace their donkey mascot with Sylvester McMonkey McBean from The Sneeches.

* When liberals caution President Bush not to "go it alone" against Saddam Hussein, they must be using the same definition of "alone" as in Bill Clinton's grand jury testimony.

* The team nickname for Denver University is the Pioneers. Obviously, a real pioneer -- perhaps a man carrying a shotgun with a dead animal on his head -- would be met with howls of protest from students and faculty alike. It only stands to reason, then, that the team logo now in use is a turkey. When this decision was made, anyone who bothered to point out that a turkey is not a pioneer was probably derided as a fascist.

*Denver's is not the most conspicuously politically correct team logo, however. That distinction belongs to the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. That school's teams -- named, for some reason or other, the 49ers -- are represented by a C-shaped arm wielding a pick. It is the most poorly disguised hammer-and-sickle logo you'll ever see. It's so obvious that Manhattanville College women's basketball player Toni Smith might transfer there, if only she were good enough to make the team.

* National Council of Women's Organizations chairwoman and general hater of sports Martha Burk is demanding better pay for players in the WNBA. If they're really so deserving, then Burk should propose that they play the game for real, by using a regulation-sized basketball. In 1984, the NCAA introduced a new women's ball that is one inch smaller in circumference than a real one, and the WNBA uses that same smaller ball. The basket they use, however, is the same size as the one the men use, which expands the women's margin for error to the point where almost anything in the cylinder drops in. The flip side of this is that any lay-up that is missed is a bad enough shot to make viewers wince.

* There was another professional women's basketball league called the ABL. It folded in 1998, because it couldn't compete financially with the WNBA, which is affixed to the NBA like a leach. The ABL, which used a regulation-sized ball, tried to survive on its own merit, but it was driven out of business by the WNBA, which is able to spend money it hasn't produced on its own. So what Burk is suggesting is that WNBA players deserve more money than the market would allow an independent league to pay. If the women can manage to siphon more money from the gullible NBA, then good for them. But their claim that they're underpaid is as artificial as the product they put on the court.

* In 1991, a women's basketball league was created which was even less like basketball than the WNBA. The Liberty Basketball Association not only used a smaller ball, but it encouraged dunking by lowering the hoop by ten inches, and it dressed its players in (shudder) skin-tight Lycra uniforms. Mercifully, it folded after only one exhibition game.

* They still use a regulation basketball in international women's play, which means that the faux ball used by the WNBA and the NCAA is detrimental to the U.S. in the Olympics and other international events.

* As long as Martha Burk has so much time on her hands, when is she going to start demanding to have women sent into combat? Feminists have conveniently de-emphasized that issue ever since we've been at war.

* If any sporting event ever gave away Martha Burk bobbleheads, they'd all float away.

* There's good news from the NOW v. Scheidler case, in which the Supreme Court decided 8-1 that protesting an abortion clinic cannot be sued under RICO statutes written to combat organized crime. The lone dissenter was Justice John Paul Stevens, who somehow found that the protesters had "obtained" the clinics "intangible property," and thus were guilty of extortion. Justice Stevens is so consistently unrestrained by the letter of the law that his opinions contain a greater percentage of original material than most Steven Ambrose books.

* We may not have heard the last from that case. The October 5, 2002 issue of World magazine revealed evidence that witnesses testifying for NOW fabricated their most serious accusations of clinic violence, including the incredible but often repeated claim that employees of a Chico, CA abortion clinic were smashed against a plate glass window for FOUR HOURS!!!!! Anyone who buys that one probably believes Al Sharpton's story from the Tawana Brawley hoax.

* President Bush and the Republicans in Congress have budgeted $266 million in subsidies for "family planning," $60 million of which is earmarked for Planned Parenthood alone. In the 2000 election cycle, the abortion-peddling population control group spent $10 million, much of it in an effort to defeat G.W. Bush. So one out of every six taxpayer dollars the Republicans give Planned Parenthood returns in the form of campaign ads run on behalf of the Democrats. The editors of The Weekly Standard often refer to the Republicans as "The Stupid Party." That's not exactly witty, but it's hard to argue with.

* The death of Fred Rogers signifies a loss in the ongoing Culture Wars. It's only due to Mister Rogers' iconic stature that he's been allowed for all these years to get away with telling kids that "girls grow up to be mommies, and boys grow up to be daddies." His death will be sorely felt by parents whose kids will be left more susceptible to the androgyny-mongers who dominate taxpayer-funded children's public television.

* According to Citizens Against Government Waste, the 2003 federal budget includes a $5 million subsidy for McGruff the crime dog. It's a good thing Batman is independently wealthy, or he could cost the taxpayers a fortune.

* A controversy has arisen at the Lincoln Memorial, where a video being shown by the National Park Service seems to imply that Abraham Lincoln supports gay rights and abortion. In the face of criticism, the park service has recommended that the video be revised to reflect a wider array of political views. For instance, it's a little known fact that Honest Abe detested those gas-guzzling SUVs.



Return to Shinbone

 The Shinbone: The Frontier of the Free Press 

 Mailbag . Issue Index . Politimals