Posted on May 14, 2015

Say Knight, Gracie

More sports mascot dingbattery

by

Daniel Clark

Ten years ago, the NCAA intensified its campaign to stamp out all non-white college mascots in the name of diversity. It was only a matter of time before the other end of this politically correct pincer movement was put into action, by students protesting that those human mascots that remain are too offensively white.

Emmet Brennan, identified by the Rutgers student newspaper as a “student assembly parliamentarian” (the word “assemblyman” being verboten, of course), observed one day that the Scarlet Knight mascot has blue eyes and pale skin. Naturally, he became offended. “This does not seem right,” he said. “Our mascot does not represent how diverse we are as a school.” Therefore, he and the other assembled sillyputtyheads passed a bill, proposing to create as many additional mascots as it takes to make themselves feel like they matter.

Brennan says the exact number and identities of the new mascots would be determined by a “working committee” of grievance groups, including “possibly the Queer Caucus.” Why that group is thought to be unrepresented in the first place is a bit of a mystery. If you ever want to sober up during college football season, just try playing a drinking game called “Spot the Straight Mascot.” By the end of the Saturday games, you’ll be as dry as a Steven Wright monologue.

Inevitably, the campus feminists will demand that women be represented, too. When that happens, the committee can’t just create one female mascot and call that equal representation. They’ll need to have a male and female version of every ethnicity. Next, they’ll have to represent midgets and dwarves (or “little people,” as liberals demeaningly call them), as well as people with disabilities, probably including peanut allergies and sleep apnea.

Since the athletic department would have to approve any such proposal, there are bound to be reservations about the cost of producing as many costumes as would be needed to pacify every cantankerous rattlenoggin on campus. In particular, the issue is whether the project would be funded by the university’s general fund, alumni contributions or student fees. For that, Brennan has an answer that all but assures his induction into the Millennial Hall of Fame: “I would rather not spend student money on something I can get someone else to pay for.”

Mind you, the reason that college mascots modeled after American Indians are being eliminated is that the NCAA has deemed them “hostile and abusive.” There’s no way that Rutgers can create black, Hispanic and other non-white Scarlet Knight mascots while steering clear of that kind of liberal sanctimony. To those who feed their own egos by willfully becoming offended by things, a gaggle of six-foot, foam rubber ethnic caricatures would be like manna from heaven.

If the school accepts the premise that a white mascot is racist, it will have to conclude that it is also racist to name themselves after European noblemen. As all college students and faculty know, Europe is the epitome of evil – except when being compared to the United States, in which case it is wonderful.

Ultimately, that path leads to the banning of all human mascots. Now that liberals have broken down all of humanity into identity groups, any representation of any person is bound to offend somebody. For example, Rutgers’ original team nickname, dating back to 1869, was the Queensmen. Just imagine trying to design an acceptable costume for that one.

There are already liberals who protest that the use of animal team names is “exploitative.” This would be especially so in the case of those animals that self-described ethicists have classified as “non-human persons.” So, goodbye Arkansas Razorbacks, Jacksonville Dolphins, Pittsburg State (KS) Gorillas, and every team that’s named after any breed of dog. Once the schools have surrendered completely, they’ll probably be forced to adopt dingbat-approved team names like the Income Equality and the Climate Change Awareness.

Rutgers needn’t go down that path, of course. It could easily shut down this effort tomorrow, by issuing a simple statement that there will continue to be only one Scarlet Knight mascot, that representing a knight as European-looking does absolutely no harm to students of non-European heritage, and that just because somebody is offended does not necessarily mean that his opinion deserves to be respected. Don’t bet on such a sensible decision being made, however, at a notoriously liberal Northeastern school that fancies itself a “Public Ivy.” That would be a bigger upset than if RU’s football team were to win a Big Ten championship.

Return to Shinbone

The Shinbone: The Frontier of the Free Press

Mailbag . Issue Index . Politimals . College Football Czar