Posted on November 16, 2008

by

Daniel Clark

I, Barack Hussein Obama -- recognize the irony of using my middle name as a part of this oath. Throughout the campaign, I took the position that it's racist to say the name "Hussein," although it logically can't be, unless it is also racist to say "Barack Obama" -- which my pollsters assured me I could not get elected without saying.

I know that the real reason my detractors have used my middle name is because they say Saddam Hussein would still be in power if I'd had my way. I make no apologies for this, because I still feel that outcome would have been preferable to war. If I'd been president, I would have simply met with Saddam, and found out what we needed to do to redress his grievances.

I will continue to forbid others from using my middle name, so consider yourselves put on notice. I only use it now to satisfy the expectations of these arcane traditions, which I will busily begin undermining the second this public charade is over.

… do hereby solemnly swear -- and by "swear" I mean "take under advisement." I am not going to literally promise anything, because I reserve the right to change my position on anything at any time, without any warning or consequence. For starters, about my recent support for energy exploration and the missile defense shield? Forget it.

… that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States -- meaning "execute" in the cigarette-and-blindfold sense, that is, because the presidency is about to cease to exist as you know it. Oh, I'll still be addressed as "Mr. President," but the powers of the office must be dramatically expanded, if I'm going to fulfill my promise to "fundamentally change this country" -- and don't pretend now that you didn't understand what I meant by that.

… and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution -- which is an easy promise to make, thanks to the successful corruption of our educational system by my Marxist friends. Under the "living document" paradigm, I can tell you that the Constitution means the exact opposite of what it says, and instead of telling me I'm wrong, you'll accept my overt rejection of the Constitution as merely an alternative constitutional theory.

When Chief Justice Roberts, here, was up for confirmation, I voted against him, explicitly because he based his opinions on the language of the Constitution, instead of on liberal sentiment. Nevertheless, you let me get away with calling myself a constitutional expert, just like I call myself a law professor, which I'm not either. While I'm at it, I'm tempted to tell you I'm a professional bowler, just to see how much I can get away with.

Even before becoming president, I've tried to muzzle political dissent, supported infringements on your gun ownership rights, condoned infanticide, and disdained liberty rights by proposing mandatory "volunteerism." Yet your minds are so addled by relativistic drivel that you don't even see anything wrong with my taking this oath.

… of the United States -- I know you've heard me, my wife and my friends say a lot of negative things about the USA, but I can still get away with taking this oath because I interpret our country the same way I interpret the Constitution. When my fellow travelers and I say we love America, what we mean is that we love the entity with which we mean to replace America, which we will also call "America." You will not question this semantic evasion, because you have by now been browbeaten out of ever questioning anyone's patriotism.

When I made wealth redistribution the centerpiece of my campaign, and then joked about myself being a Communist, you zombies didn't even blink. As soon as this ceremony is over, I could light an American flag on fire and start singing Pete Seeger songs, and still it wouldn't disturb you, because most of you are too busy worrying about who's going to be on "Knock-Knock Jokes with the Stars" next week.

To summarize, when I swear to defend the Constitution of the United States, I'm saying I'll defend a legal philosophy to be defined by me, in order to preserve a national identity, to be determined by me also. Those who don't like it do not get to share in the spoils of redistribution.

In closing, I say, as George Burns says in the movie, "So help me Me."

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