Posted on December 3, 1999
New Year's Resolutions
The following is a Shinbone exclusive! This secret White House document was intercepted by an operative of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (VRWC), who sneaked into the Oval Office, inconspicuously dressed as a Washington Redskins' cheerleader.
After this document was delivered to VRWC communications headquarters, aka, the Office of Independent Counsel, it was translated into code, then incinerated. The encrypted message was then leaked, as usual, and transmitted through a Wall Street Journal editorial, and read by His Vastness, Mr. Richard Mellon Scaife, who owns the only VRWC decoding book in known existence.
When asked why he, ruler of the great VRWC media empire, would choose to entrust dissemination of so vital a piece of information to Daniel Clark, editor of a humble web publication entitled "The Shinbone," Mr. Scaife replied, "It just seemed like the clandestine thing to do."
What follows is a peek inside the mind of the leader of the free world. Lest you question the significance of what you are about to read, remember that the promises that President Clinton makes to himself have historically been the ones he has kept. With that in mind, please proceed with caution.
This is a secret decrypted transmission of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. If you have not reached any higher than the VRWC's seventh stage of elevated suspicion, you are not authorized to read the following transmission. Noncompliance is punishable by mean-spirited, hateful partisan rhetoric.
From the desk of...The President of These Here United States of America:
Memo: Things to do in 2000...or final stages of The Legacy Project:
- Show Al how it's done; convince reporters that it was actually I who invented the Internet.
- Commission a poll to find out which countries people wouldn't mind bombing. Consider: Andorra, Suriname, Burkina Faso.
- Remove coin-operated bed from Lincoln Bedroom, and refund Babs' money, like she demanded.
- Make it up to Hillary. Send her on an all-expenses paid vacation to Australia.
- Invite Gingrich to White House--seems like my kind of guy after all.
- Try to break lip-biting habit by subsidizing development of lip-flavored chewing gum.
- Find out if Dole knows cure for "distinguishing characteristic."
- Remind Spielberg to keep that Hanks punk in line, or else when this dashing Ozarkan hunk goes Hollywood, he'll find himself another director.
- Propose peace settlement with Hillary: if I can't have cigars in the house, she can't have ashtrays.
- If the Legacy thing isn't going well, at least succeed in carving initials into every stick of furniture in the White House.
- Launch investigation into why Limbaugh hasn't been audited yet.
- Fire consultant who commissioned focus group study which concluded that there should be no more focus groups.
- Invite Super Bowl champs to White House. Congratulate them for their courage, persistence, and willingness to stand up to an out-of-control special prosecutor.
- Do something about Buddy's declining popularity. Note: Polling shows Dalmatians receive high approval rating. (Plan A: paint Dalmatian spots on Buddy--Plan B: put Buddy to sleep; buy Dalmatian.)
- In order to keep informed about Republican shenanigans, renew subscription to Hustler news magazine.
- Forgive Greg Norman for knee injury sustained during fight over mulligans.
- Tighten gun-control laws, just in case Fritz Mondale catches me jogging after his daughter Eleanor.
- Console Mrs. Morris
- Think of ways in which each of the following can be racist: rejection of nuclear test-ban treaty; partial-birth abortion ban; criticism of my travel expenses.
- Try harder to pay off old debts. Start by giving Kathleen Willey the rest of her cat back.
- Take another trip to Normandy, just to needle Col. Holmes one more time.
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