Posted on May 15,
2020
Mussolini Mini-Mes
You, too, can be a little dictator
by
Daniel
Clark
The coronavirus isn't the only outbreak that has
ravaged America over the past couple months.
There's also been a wave of totalitarian tendencies that has infected
countless numbers of our fellow citizens, from our power-drunk liberal (mostly
Democrat) governors, to the eager enlistees in the People's Fink Patrol, who
live among us in our own neighborhoods.
One of the first warning signs is the adrenaline rush
that results from one's ability to control somebody else's actions against his
will. If it excites you to have another
person do what you say, especially when that person's actions should be none of
your concern, then you have already been infected, and there are no
asymptomatic cases.
Throughout the nation, though mostly in blue states,
governors, mayors, sheriffs and judges have treated the citizens they
supposedly serve as if we were armless Fisher Price people, and they were the
bad kid from Toy Story. With horrific callousness, they've ordered
businesses closed, and sent 
the
police out to enforce "orders" that are not laws, which deny people the right
to engage in mundane activities that have not been curtailed by their own
legislative representatives. People have
actually been arrested for not standing six feet apart from each other, even
though such a policy has absolutely no basis in law.
When politicians aren't punishing us, their praise is
almost as bad. While justifying their
unconstitutional, draconian measures, they thank and congratulate us for how
well we're washing our hands and sitting quietly in front of the TV. How proud they'd be if they knew that we're
even able to dress ourselves.
Meanwhile, neighborhood tyrants patrol supermarkets
and drug stores looking for opportunities to scold their fellow citizens for
such offenses as not wearing masks and touching items on the shelves. The coronavirus is not what's important to
them. The illusion of power is. That's why dogmatic inconsistencies don't
matter. Does it really make sense to
wear a homemade cloth mask that will not stop the virus from permeating, but
will only constrain the particles' dispersal?
Why do the same people who angrily demand that you sneeze into your
elbow also want you to bump elbows instead of shaking hands? The answers to such questions are irrelevant,
because the purpose of these demands is to control people, not the virus.
There's no need to be bitter, though, because that
kind of authority is there for the taking, by anybody who wants it badly
enough. If you are so inclined, then
you, too, can become one of the Mussolini Mini-Mes,
with the aid of these helpful hints:
* When you confront someone for violating social
distancing guidelines, do the same thing yourself by getting right up in his
face. Your refusal to follow the very
rule you're supposedly enforcing will make you feel you outrank him.
*
When you provoke such a confrontation, make sure there are people nearby who
appear sympathetic to your side. Don't
think of it as cowardly; think of it as an application of newly acquired
leadership skills.
* Go around to your local supermarkets and hoard all
of the bleach, while telling yourself you're only saving people from
themselves.
* Before you go out to bother people, practice angrily
and sarcastically saying "stay safe" into the mirror for at least ten minutes.
* Relate the tragic experience of a family member who
was infected by an inconsiderate person in a public place. You'll be making it up, but who will argue?
* Even as you're acting out your megalomaniacal
fantasies, loudly accuse those who disagree with you of being selfish.
* Perfect the art of unjustifiable indignation by
watching Chris and Andrew Cuomo instructional videos.
* Warn others that they'll suffer the same fate as all
those poor people who voted in Wisconsin.
If someone tries to set the record straight, start hollering, "Denier!
Denier!"
* Just for fun, make up your own rules as you go
along. Start telling people they have to
wear their pants inside-out, and see how many attempt to comply.
* Go to the park and tell the children that if they
have any fun, they're getting nothing for Christmas but coronavirus first
responder action figures.
* Rearrange the tape arrows on the floor at Walmart so
that they all point to the middle of the store.
That way, nobody can ever escape.
* Try not to have a life, or else the natural impulse
to get on with it could undermine your position.
The Shinbone: The
Frontier of the Free Press