Posted on September 18, 2000
A Rough Draft of
Al Gore's Resume
The following is an official underground transmission of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (VRWC).
What you are about to read is a document which was secretly retrieved from the deleted computer files of Vice President Al Gore. It was discovered by a VRWC operative who infiltrated the White House, cunningly disguised as a man carrying a large envelope full of money. After retrieving the file, he read it, backwards and without consonants, during a call to the Rush Limbaugh show, his garbled message explained by his introduction as a supporter of John Hagelin for President. Limbaugh decoded this message by running it through his secret VRWC disgronificator.
With the help of devious VRWC scientists, Limbaugh planted a drug-laced cigar in the Monday Night Football audition booth, where it would be consumed by an unsuspecting Dennis Miller. The time-release drug, which took effect as Miller flew back to his hometown of Pittsburgh, caused some of the whiskers of his beard to fall out onto his clothing, in a pattern which related the VRWC transmission in Braille.
Miller took his suit to be cleaned, not realizing that all the dry cleaners in Pittsburgh, along with the delis and tanning salons, are part of the Great Richard Mellon Scaife Empire. Mr. Scaife translated the message back into English, and affixed a microfilmed copy of it to the "memo" box on a blank check, which he sent to Shinbone editor Daniel Clark, as usual.
When Limbaugh was asked why he sent the secret transmission along its circuitous route, rather than simply broadcasting it on his show, he said, "In my humble opinion, the one drawback to being the world's most listened-to talk radio host is that it doesn't afford me the ability to be as clandestine as an extremist ought to be."
What follows is a secret decrypted transmission of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. To gain approval for access, one must have completed the four-year specialized subversion program at the VRWC's Secret University of Hate - Pocatello campus (VRWCSUHP). All violators will be subject to mean-spirited, divisive hate-speech.
Albert A. Gore Jr.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
* Vanderbilt Law School
~ Wrote a dissertation on the Scopes Monkey Trial, which gained national recognition by proving once and for all that the monkeys were innocent.
* Harvard University
~ Won a scholarship in an essay contest, for which I composed the slogan "Beat Yale."
~ Led a student petition drive to have the school's team nickname changed to the Sentient Porpoises.
* Vice President of the United States -- 1993 to 2001.
~ Reinvented the United States government.
~ Cast the tie-breaking vote on the 1993 budget, which triggered the greatest economic expansion in American history, and saved the nation from the worst economy in fifty years.
~ Prevented Republicans from taking school lunches from the mouths of starving children, as they were bent on doing.
* United States Senator -- 1985 to 1993
~ Fought for welfare reform, by authoring the bill I would convince President Clinton to sign, many years later.
~ Authored the Controlling Legal Authority Reform Act.
* Member of U.S. House of Representatives -- 1977 to 1985
~ Created the Earned Income Tax Credit.
~ Chaired House Subcommittee hearings on Watergate.
~ Proposed the minting of commemorative Bicentennial quarters.
* Reporter for The Tennesseean
~ Became the first reporter to interview Deep Throat, but did not publish the article, due to ethical concerns.
~ Conducted investigative report on the dietary hazard of peanut butter and banana sandwiches, which went tragically unheeded by one local celebrity.
~ Was awarded the Purple Heart, for removing a very, very hot flash bulb, while under heavy fire.
~ Conducted undercover report which exposed the infamous My Lai tragedy.
~ Uncovered ecological atrocities caused by napalm, which I discovered had been destroying the surrounding fauna and foliage.
~ Returned to Vietnam after the war, in a series of daring rescue missions, which were later recounted by Chuck Norris in the "Missing In Action" film series.
~ The Global Information Infrastructure: Agenda for Cooperation (1996) -- a plan for sharing my most famous creation with the world.
~ Common Sense Government: Works Better and Costs Less (1995) -- a proposal for reforming government, guided by the fiscal restraint for which I was famous when I served in Congress.
~ Earth in the Balance: Ecology and the Human Spirit (1993) -- a blueprint for counteracting gravity, continental drift, and other geological anomalies, through implementation of effective, common-sense policy initiatives.
~ Sister died.
~ Son was hit by car.
~ Dog ran away.
~ Sea monkeys didn't really do anything.
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