Posted on February 28, 2025

 

 

Con(cept) Man, Without A Plan

Scattergories, rather than chess

by

Daniel Clark

 

 

During his presidential debate with Kamala Harris, Donald Trump was pressed on whether he had finally developed a specific plan to repeal and place Obamacare, to which he responded, "I have concepts of a plan." This was a startling admission, that in eight years covering three campaigns and one full term as president, this policy of his had never developed past the "concepts" stage. Still, anybody scoring the debate at home should at least have given him a few points for candor.

In the brief time since Trump has returned to the White House, we can see that this is how he operates. He's constantly blurting out concepts for all the world to see, apparently in hope that somebody else, somewhere, will manage to stir them until they coagulate into plans. Sure, his devotees tout him as the multidimensional chess grandmaster of the universe, but the game he plays is not nearly as close to chess as it is to Scattergories, the annoying, party-destroying word game in which one may arbitrarily discard the rules, depending on the acquiescence of the other participants. In this game, it's not the best strategist who wins, but the person with the most forceful personality. The strongman says there's no such body of water as the "Gulf of Mexico," but he insists that "Springfield cats" counts as a snack food. Anybody who disagrees is a loser.

Two years ago, Trump declared that when he was president again, he would "create a new American future" by having the government construct as many as ten "freedom cities" on federal lands. "Our objective will be a quantum leap in the American standard of living," he said. Sounds like a plan.

No it doesn't. It's just a concept he threw out there, during a speech that lasted less than four minutes, and wasn't even exclusively about this particular concept. As he tossed around additional concepts, such as that he would beautify the nation's architecture, pay people to have babies, and somehow cause flying cars to be invented, there was nothing in the middle of it that was recognizable as a plan. The closest thing to it was that he would hold a contest, and the winners of the contest would be the ones to design the freedom cities. So his brilliant idea is that somebody should come up with a brilliant idea.

Time and again, this circular pattern has held true. Trump unveils concepts of a plan, only for the eventual plan to consist of hoping or assuming that the categories will be altered to accommodate his words. Take, for example, the following concepts and the plans they have produced, from our president's own point of view:

Gaza

CONCEPT: We will take over Gaza, displacing those people who remain there to Jordan and Egypt, so that we may rebuild it into the Riviera of the Middle East.

PLAN: Didn't count on Jordan and Egypt saying no, actually. I will not withdraw my generous offer, though. They'll be back. Once they agree to take in the Palestinians, we will clear away all the debris and unexploded ordinance, but without sending in the U.S. military. When all the wreckage has been cleaned up, we will construct a massive luxury resort. No American money will be used for this project, but never fear. Wealthy, neighboring Arab nations will happily provide the financing.

Ukraine

CONCEPT: I will stop the war within 24 hours.

PLAN: There's nothing that is going to be acceptable to both Putin and Zelenskyy, so I better stay on the good side of the one who has a penchant for poisoning his political enemies.

Greenland

CONCEPT: American ownership of Greenland is an absolute necessity.

PLAN: Maybe if I cast doubt on the legitimacy of Denmark's ownership of Greenland, we can just move in and take it. At least, that's how I have advised my advisors to advise me. In case Denmark resists, all options are on the table, however immoral or ludicrous.

Panama

CONCEPT: Jimmy Carter should never have given the Panama Canal away, so I'm going to take it back.

PLAN: I will accuse Panama of violating the Panama Canal permanent neutrality agreement, and then demand that we be given preferential treatment, in direct violation of that same agreement. With a little luck, the Panamanians will become so scared, confused and frustrated that they'll give the canal back just so they won't have to deal with it anymore.

Tariffs

CONCEPT: Tariffs are the greatest! I will impose high tariffs on Mexico, Canada, China, the European Union, and anybody else I can think of, in order to end their unfair trade practices and to pressure them into a wide array of other policy changes, while at the same time raising huge amounts of revenue for the Treasury.

PLAN: Hey, wait a minute. If I use the threat of tariffs as a negotiating tactic, then I can only proceed to impose them if the tactic has failed. But I must have it appear to have succeeded, which means I won't get my big, beautiful tariffs. Very unfair! What I want is to gain concessions from these other countries and clobber them with tariffs. Perhaps if I demanded both of those things, in exchange for some official Trump NFT trading cards.

Abortion

CONCEPT: I am going to come up with a compromise on this issue that will make everybody happy on both sides.

PLAN: After thinking about it for four months, I've decided to declare that everybody is already happy with things exactly as they are right now. My work is done here. You're welcome.

Chess

CONCEPT: I am going to prove myself to be the world's greatest multidimensional chess player.

PLAN: On second thought, this game requires far too much time and effort, and the results aren't even guaranteed. Besides, horses don't really hop around like that, and I've never seen a bishop who can outrun a horse. If the object is to capture your opponent's king, I'll just reach across the table and take it. That's one of the many things that people like best about me. I defy convention.

And if I say that DOGE may be categorized as a winter Olympic sport, just shut up and nod, as usual.

 

 

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