Posted on February
28, 2025
Con(cept) Man, Without A Plan
Scattergories, rather than chess
by
Daniel
Clark
During his presidential debate with Kamala Harris,
Donald Trump was pressed on whether he had finally developed a specific plan to
repeal and place Obamacare, to which he responded, "I have concepts of a
plan." This was a startling admission,
that in eight years covering three campaigns and one full term as president,
this policy of his had never developed past the "concepts" stage. Still, anybody scoring the debate at home
should at least have given him a few points for candor.
In
the brief time since Trump has returned to the White House, we can see that
this is how he operates. He's constantly
blurting out concepts for all the world to see, apparently in hope that
somebody else, somewhere, will manage to stir them until they coagulate into
plans. Sure, his devotees tout him as
the multidimensional chess grandmaster of the universe, but the game he plays
is not nearly as close to chess as it is to Scattergories, the annoying,
party-destroying word game in which one may arbitrarily discard the rules,
depending on the acquiescence of the other participants. In this game, it's not the best strategist
who wins, but the person with the most forceful personality. The strongman says there's no such body of
water as the "Gulf of Mexico," but he insists that "Springfield cats" counts as
a snack food. Anybody who disagrees is a
loser.
Two years ago, Trump declared that when he was
president again, he would "create a new American future" by having the
government construct as many as ten "freedom cities" on federal lands. "Our objective will be a quantum leap in the
American standard of living," he said.
Sounds like a plan.
No it doesn't.
It's just a concept he threw out there, during a speech that lasted less
than four minutes, and wasn't even exclusively about this particular
concept. As he tossed around additional
concepts, such as that he would beautify the nation's architecture, pay people
to have babies, and somehow cause flying cars to be invented, there was nothing
in the middle of it that was recognizable as a plan. The closest thing to it was that he would
hold a contest, and the winners of the contest would be the ones to design the
freedom cities. So his brilliant idea is
that somebody should come up with a brilliant idea.
Time and again, this circular pattern has held
true. Trump unveils concepts of a plan,
only for the eventual plan to consist of hoping or assuming that the categories
will be altered to accommodate his words.
Take, for example, the following concepts and the plans they have
produced, from our president's own point of view:
Gaza
CONCEPT: We will take over Gaza, displacing those
people who remain there to Jordan and Egypt, so that we may rebuild it into the
Riviera of the Middle East.
PLAN: Didn't count on Jordan and Egypt saying no,
actually. I will not withdraw my
generous offer, though. They'll be
back. Once they agree to take in the
Palestinians, we will clear away all the debris and unexploded ordinance, but
without sending in the U.S. military.
When all the wreckage has been cleaned up, we will construct a massive
luxury resort. No American money will be
used for this project, but never fear.
Wealthy, neighboring Arab nations will happily provide the financing.
Ukraine
CONCEPT: I will stop the war within 24 hours.
PLAN: There's nothing that is going to be acceptable
to both Putin and Zelenskyy, so I better stay on the good side of the one who
has a penchant for poisoning his political enemies.
Greenland
CONCEPT: American ownership of Greenland is an
absolute necessity.
PLAN: Maybe if I cast doubt on the legitimacy of
Denmark's ownership of Greenland, we can just move in and take it. At least, that's how I have advised my
advisors to advise me. In case Denmark
resists, all options are on the table, however immoral or ludicrous.
Panama
CONCEPT: Jimmy Carter should never have given the
Panama Canal away, so I'm going to take it back.
PLAN: I will accuse Panama of violating the Panama
Canal permanent neutrality agreement, and then demand that we be given
preferential treatment, in direct violation of that same agreement. With a little luck, the Panamanians will
become so scared, confused and frustrated that they'll give the canal back just
so they won't have to deal with it anymore.
Tariffs
CONCEPT: Tariffs are the greatest! I will impose high tariffs on Mexico, Canada,
China, the European Union, and anybody else I can think of, in order to end
their unfair trade practices and to pressure them into a wide array of other
policy changes, while at the same time raising huge amounts of revenue for the
Treasury.
PLAN: Hey, wait a minute. If I use the threat of tariffs as a negotiating
tactic, then I can only proceed to impose them if the tactic has failed. But I must have it appear to have succeeded,
which means I won't get my big, beautiful tariffs. Very unfair!
What I want is to gain concessions from these other countries and
clobber them with tariffs. Perhaps if I
demanded both of those things, in exchange for some official Trump NFT trading
cards.
Abortion
CONCEPT: I am going to come up with a compromise on
this issue that will make everybody happy on both sides.
PLAN: After thinking about it for four months, I've
decided to declare that everybody is already happy with things exactly as they
are right now. My work is done
here. You're welcome.
Chess
CONCEPT: I am going to prove myself to be the world's
greatest multidimensional chess player.
PLAN: On second thought, this game requires far too
much time and effort, and the results aren't even guaranteed. Besides, horses don't really hop around like
that, and I've never seen a bishop who can outrun a horse. If the object is to capture your opponent's
king, I'll just reach across the table and take it. That's one of the many things that people
like best about me. I defy convention.
And if I say that DOGE may be categorized as a winter
Olympic sport, just shut up and nod, as usual.
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