The College Football Czar
Week 9
Week eight in review: Two more teams had their undefeated seasons
come to an end, one of those inevitable, but the other totally unexpected. In a battle between Big Ten unbeatens, Ohio
State stifled Penn State 20-12, but the second shoe to drop belonged to the
tenth-ranked Tar Heels of North Carolina, who were upset on their home field by
a 1-5 Virginia team, 31-27. That leaves
nine teams without a loss, three of them being group-of-five teams that
probably can't win their way into the CFP even if they run the table. In fact, 7-0 James Madison of the Sun Belt
Conference is not even eligible for postseason play.
Hadn't East Lansing already endured
enough stupidity for one season? Shortly
before the Spartans' crushing 49-0 defeat at the hands of "big brother"
Michigan, a trivia game on the scoreboard included a question about Adolf
Hitler, a grinning picture of whom appeared larger than life, for the entire
crowd of 74,000 to see. The university
immediately issued an apology, and explained that the image was third-party
content that had not been adequately reviewed.
Upon suspending a fall guy staffer, athletic director Alan Haller said, "Antisemitism must be denounced. The image displayed prior to Saturday night's
game is not representative of who we are and the culture we embody." Of course, there was nothing antisemitic
about the out-of-context photograph, which was merely being used to test
people's historical knowledge. It was
clearly not meant as an endorsement.
Ergo, the College Football Czar
hereby issues Lardhead of the Year Award nominations to: the staffer, if he
truly is responsible, for failing to prevent the whole episode by screening the
content in the first place; Haller, for naming the staffer, like the poor guy
really needed that; Michigan State University, for expecting an apology to
quell a controversy instead of compounding it, which it always does; Haller
again, for confessing that his school had transmitted an antisemitic message,
when in fact it had done no such thing; all the banana-brains who complained,
because they're too emotionally frail to withstand a historical reference to an
evil man, regardless of context or lack thereof; and whoever thought the fact
that Hitler was from Austria was a real stumper of a trivia question anyway.
It has started. Former Texas Longhorn and NFL linebacker
Emmanuel Acho is being criticized for advising USC quarterback and 2022 Heisman
winner Caleb Williams to quit the Trojans for the remainder of the 2023 season,
but it's hard to argue with his reasoning, based on the outrages that have
already been accepted. "If we're not
going to judge him when he sits a bowl game," Acho reasons, "why have an issue
now?" Exactly. If the bowl games are deemed "meaningless,"
then how meaningful can regular season games of far lesser importance possibly
be? If Williams' health is too valuable
to risk on, say, a Holiday Bowl against Louisville, then what about a late
October regular season game against the Cal Bears? We can all see where this is going, and we
don't want to go there, but we are.
On a positive note, ESPN reports
that Army is going to join the American Athletic Conference as a football-only
member, as a replacement for SMU. The
Black Knights will thus become conference opponents with the rival Naval
Academy, although they will never be scheduled against each other in conference
play, and their traditional season finale will remain a nonconference
game. That way, they can continue to
meet a week after all the conference championship games have been played,
without muddling the race to qualify for the AAC title game.
For the second week in a row, the
College Football Czar will forego the Friday night game, which this week pits
Florida Atlantic against Charlotte. The
quality of the pre-Saturday matchups will improve dramatically in Week 10,
however, including a pair of presumably competitive Friday games between Boston
College and Syracuse, and Colorado State and Wyoming.
The Czar looked like he was on his
way to a respectable week, until three out of four prime time nailbiters went
against him at the last minute. His 10-7
record pulls his season mark down to 95-62, for a .605 winning percentage.
Oct. 28
Pitt at Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish have gotten a
rare dose of humility this season, which must have made it especially
satisfying for them to pulverize a pompous Southern Cal team, 48-20 in Week
7. At 6-2, they now follow four straight
games against ranked opponents with four consecutive unranked ones, with a
chance to rally their way into a New Year's Six bowl.
The Panthers did so many things so
badly in last week's 21-17 defeat at Wake Forest that it isn't fair to put more
than a fraction of the blame on a blown call, even if it was atrocious. After all of Wake's whining about Kenny
Pickett's "fake slide" in the ACC championship two years earlier, the Czar
suspects it was emphasized to the officials that if the quarterback looks like
he might be about to slide, they are to blow the play dead at that point. When Christian Veilleux scrambled for what
should have been a game-winning first down, the ball was spotted a full yard
behind the point where he began his slide.
It was as if the spot was based on where an official thought the QB
began to think about sliding.
It would have never come to that if
the Panther offense hadn't been pinned deep in its own territory after an
interception, because safety Donovan McMillon committed two half-the-distance
penalties on the same play. After
teammate M.J. Devonshire picked the ball off and was tackled, McMillon pulled
the opposing player off him, drawing a 15-yard penalty. The TV cameras didn't catch the additional
foul, but one can only guess that he didn't take very kindly to the first
penalty call, and got flagged again for unsportsmanlike conduct. Instead of starting the possession at the
28-yard-line, they were marched back to the seven, with an inexperienced QB, in
a game that had featured little offense on either side.
As usual, coach Pat Narduzzi had a
lot to say after the game, some of it sensible, and some not. First of all, he said that nobody ever gets
called for pulling an opponent off a pile, which is plainly untrue. He had a point, however, in faulting Veilleux
for not diving head first, rather than complaining about the spot. In college football, there's no reason for a
quarterback to slide. That's done in the
NFL, where a player isn't otherwise ruled down without being touched by a
defender. In college, the play is dead
once the QB has fallen forward, as opposed to a slide, in which case the play
ends before he even hits the ground. He
could easily have gained as much as two additional yards simply by going to
ground head-first, like they do in the Rugby World Cup, which nobody has
watched because most of it has been on Peacock.
Sorry, bad example.
In case you're wondering what
qualifies as humility in South Bend, it's when they still insist that Jesus
roots for their team, but they'll concede that it's only because he likes the
uniforms.
Notre Dame 38, Pitt 13
Indiana at Penn State
It was only a matter of time before
the Nittany Lions' languid offense caught up to them, as it did in a 20-12 loss
to third-ranked Ohio State. Before their
schedule toughens up again, they've got a confidence-building game against an
IU team that just got run over by Rutgers, 31-14.
The Hoosiers had gotten off to a
good start, even though they were 1-2, with respectable losses to OSU and
Louisville. Their season turned,
ironically, during a victory, 29-27 against Akron in four overtimes. Brendan Sorsby would probably like to be as
cool as frozen fruit juice, but the freshman quarterback was jittery in his
first start, completing fewer than half of his passes against RU.
Few things in college football are
dopier than the big S that James Franklin and the other PSU coaches have been
wearing on the sideline. If you had to
pick a letter to represent the Penn State Nittany Lions, would it really be S?
There are 27 schools in Division I-A that use the word "State" in their titles
(sort of, if you include LSU). It would
be typical of Penn State's pointless arrogance to demonstrate that they're
Statier-than-thou by having the head coach wear a hat with an S on it that's
bigger than his face.
Mind you, we are talking about a
school that consistently, egregiously cheats on shots on goal at all of its
home hockey games. That doesn't do them
any good in the standings, but it gets them sucked up to by lazy announcers,
and isn't that what's really important?
Penn State 45, Indiana 17
West Virginia at Central Florida
The Knights were unable to upset
their former quarterback Dillon Gabriel and Oklahoma last week, when their late
two-point conversion was foiled to end a 31-29 tussle against the national
championship contenders on the road.
Senior wide receiver Javon Baker rose to the occasion, making five catches
for 134 yards, with two touchdowns.
WVU wore down in a 48-34 loss to
Oklahoma State, dropping the Mountaineers (4-3, 2-2) out of their unlikely
status as conference contenders. Leading
24-20, they yielded 149 rushing yards in the fourth quarter alone to OSU
running back Ollie Gordon.
With their disastrous last-second loss
to Houston, and a subsequent setback against Mike Gundy and the Pokes, the Eers
are now 0-2 against head coaches with creepy coiffures. They ought to be safe, then, against Gus
Malzahn and UCF.
Now, there's a stat you won't get
from Phil Steele.
West Virginia 20, Central Florida 14
Duke at Louisville
Blue Devil quarterback Riley Leonard
left the game again with an ankle injury, and took his team's ACC title hopes
with him, as they were taken apart without him by Florida State, 38-20. Freshman Henry Beliniv finished the game, but
completed only I pass out of VI, for a .CLXVII completion percentage. Coach Mike Elko says Leonard wanted to get
back into the game, which one might take as a hopeful sign for this week.
The Cardinals come back from an idle
week after suffering their first loss of the season, 38-21 at Pitt, in an
outcome that is at least as difficult to explain as last week's UVa-UNC
game. The redbirds went minus-3 in
turnovers, not counting their four failed attempts on fourth down.
The College Football Czar has it on
good authority that the folks in "Lllluuvull" can get a bit prickly if
they hear you pronounce their city "LOU-ee-VILLE," like it's spelled. Their use of the lame nickname "The Ville,"
then, is a clear-cut case of entrapment, because in this case even they pronounce
it that way. It seems that, contrary to
the theme song, it is Louisville and not Lidsville that is the
koo-koo-kookiest.
If you happen to be close to the
Czar's age, you probably grew up watching Lidsville and other Sid &
Marty Krofft shows on Saturday mornings.
Nobody ever puts them on the air anymore, because there's no longer any
need. Nowadays, the schools just give
the mind-altering drugs to the children directly, and let them create their own
hallucinations.
Duke 31, Louisville 24
Tennessee at Kentucky
The Volunteers were not happy with
the officiating in their 34-20 loss to Alabama, but there were plenty of other
factors that led to that outcome. For
starters, they went for it unsuccessfully on fourth down in their own territory
while they had the lead. Twice! Leading 20-7 at the break, they sulked
through the second half, and it showed in a 27-0 run for the Crimson Tide.
The Wildcats have had a week off
since being all but eliminated from the SEC East race, in a 38-21 loss to
Missouri. Former Nc State Wolfpack QB
Devin Leary must have forgotten to pack his arm when he left Raleigh. In his first four conference games with the
Cats, he has averaged only 130.5 passing yards, while completing just 47.5
percent of his attempts.
UT wide receiver Squirrel White has
gone nuts in recent weeks, catching ten passes for 111 yards and a touchdown
against Bama, two weeks after gaining 104 yards on nine receptions against
South Carolina.
It takes a lot of guts for a guy
named Squirrel to commit to the Davy Crockett state, were small furry critters
are known to be turned into hats.
Tennessee 26, Kentucky 14
Colorado at UCLA
When ABC announced this as its prime
time game this week, the decision was immediately met with outrage, but
why? Supposedly, league-leader
Washington got snubbed, but UW and Stanford are almost at opposite ends of the
standings, whereas the Buffs and Bruins are in the middle of the Pac, separated
by only a game. Besides, you don't earn
a particular TV slot with your ranking.
The relevant factor is how big an audience ABC can expect, and everyone
knows there is a great deal of fan interest in watching Colorado play. Like it or not, Deion Sanders is the biggest
story in college football this year.
There's no injustice in a network taking advantage of that.
The boastful Buffaloes have only won
once in four Pac 12 games so far, and that 27-24 escape at last-place Arizona
State required a late long bomb to set up a last-second, game-winning field
goal. Their 46-43 double-overtime choke
against Stanford basically means they've broken even against the two worst
teams in the league.
Bruin coach Chip Kelly is not saying
who will be his starting quarterback this week.
In a 42-7 romp over Stanford, he pulled freshman Dante Moore and
returned Ethan Garbers to the lineup, and was rewarded with a 240-yard,
20-for-28 performance with two touchdowns.
Garbers had not seen significant action since an unsteady showing back
in Week 1 against Coastal Carolina.
On one of the stranger coincidences
of this season, Kelly happens to have the same name as the Buffaloes'
anthropomorphic mascot, Chip, the only sports mascot to be named after
excrement. One wonders what the coach must
think about that.
When Lee Corso picked CU to beat
Colorado State earlier this year, he put Chip the mascot's head on over his
own. Perhaps next time, he'll try to fit
Deion's head on top of that.
UCLA 38, Colorado 36
Oklahoma at Kansas
In a neutral site game at Arrowhead
Stadium in 2005, the Sooners silenced KU by a final score of 19-3. This is not significant because the Jayhawks
lost, which they've done in all 18 meetings over the past quarter-century, but
because it was the only game during that stretch in which they gave up fewer
than 34 points.
The Sooners rank lowest among
undefeated power-five teams, and it's hard to argue with that, after seeing
their lackluster wins against Big XII newcomers Cincinnati and Central Florida,
who have a combined conference record of 0-8.
Last week against UCF, they had to thwart a last-minute two-point
conversion to hold onto a 31-29 victory.
Kansas continues to play beanball,
with Jason Bean taking the snaps, because starter Jalon Daniels is expected to
miss his fourth consecutive game with back problems. In Week 7, Bean bombed Oklahoma State for 410
yards and five TDs. Alas, it was not
enough, as the defense yielded 554 yards, allowing the Pokes to burst their
bubble, 39-32.
Unfortunately for this Jayhawk team,
it's another game against another opponent from the Panhandle State, which
means another poor defensive performance, another defeat, and another las.
Oklahoma 52, Kansas 42
Clemson at Nc State
The Tigers fell below .500 in ACC play
with a 28-20 overtime loss to an undermanned Miami team last Saturday
night. The College Football Czar
predicted that outcome, but in doing so he cited QB Cade Klubnik as a cause for
concern. Instead, the sophomore QB threw
for 314 yards, but the Son of Clem could only manage 0.9 yards per attempt on
the ground.
No game has been easy for 4-3 North
Carolina State this year, except for the one that should not have been played,
against Division I-AA VMI. In their last
game, against Duke in Week 7, the Wolfpack got rolled 24-3, even though they
did not have to face Blue Devil starting QB Riley Leonard. NCSU had some success running WR Kevin
Concepcion on the fly sweep, but their running backs were bottled up for 41
yards on 12 carries.
The Pack are another program that
used to represent itself with a big letter S, for "State." That's because they were rivals with East
Carolina, which is not a state. This was
back in the early 80s, you see. Trash
talk hadn't come very far by that point.
Clemson 16, Nc State 12
Oregon at Utah
One of these days, the Utes'
extensive injury problems are going to catch up with them, but when? Last week in Los Angeles,
safety-turned-running back Sione Vaki made his biggest impact as a receiver,
gaining 149 yards and two TDs on five catches, to go along with nine rushes for
another 68 yards. Whether their 34-32
toppling of the Trojans was more the result of their own grit or their
opponents' lack of same, we'll soon see.
Judging from the sight of SC quarterback Caleb Williams moping on the
sideline and refusing to shake hands, the Czar suspects the latter.
UO running back Bucky Irving scored
three touchdowns in a 38-24 victory over Washington State, while gaining 180 of
what used to be called all-purpose yards.
You don't see that designation much these days, and it's probably just
as well. I mean, he gained 129 yards
rushing and 51 yards receiving, but weren't they all for the same purpose? What other purposes are there?
Last year in Eugene, a limping QB Bo
Nix led the Fighting Ducks to a 20-17 win.
This kept them in the run for the Rose Bowl until a week later against
Oregon State, when head coach Dan Lanning decided to be clever again. Seriously, the Czar has to give him a little
credit for outwitting the Utes on this particular occasion. On a late third-and-one, the gimpy Nix
surprised the Ute defense by keeping the ball and lunging for a first down,
thus allowing his team to kill the clock.
Kyle Whittingham's club has not lost
in Salt Lake City since they fell to USC in the first game of the abbreviated
2020 season. They have since won 17
consecutive home games, for which they would surely give some credit to their
Mighty Utah Student Section, or MUSS for short.
As you can tell from the look of the
players' heads these days, MUSS has been very effective.
Oregon 21, Utah 20
Georgia vs. Florida
For decades, this neutral-site
afternoon boozefest was known as the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party,
but the media refuse to call it that anymore.
In fact, the locals in Jacksonville don't call it that, either. They just call it brunch.
The unbeaten Bulldogs take the field
for the first time since losing star tight end Brock Bowers for the remainder
of the season. That, combined with their
two poor performances away from home this year, and a lightly regarded Gator
team that's still in the hunt for an SEC title, has got to have the fans back
in Athens a little antsy.
Lucy Ricardo always wanted to be in
the show, and it looks like Ethel has got similar ambitions. UF quarterback Graham Mertz, who never had a
300-yard game in three years as the starter at Wisconsin, threw for a career-high
423 in his most recent game, with three touchdowns and no INTs. Yet the Gators narrowly squeezed out a 41-39
win over struggling South Carolina.
As long as college football teams
are determined to irritate people with irrelevant old pop music sing-alongs,
the Bulldogs should introduce "Hooked On a Feeling" as their new fight song,
just so the fans can chant "UGA, UGA, UGA-chaka! UGA, UGA, UGA-chaka!" Then they could agree to stop, but only if
all the Sweet Caroline dorks do likewise. That's what the Czar calls hardball
negotiating.
Georgia 35, Florida 23
Houston at Kansas State
The Wildcats (5-2, 3-1) remained in
Big XII contention by blowing out TCU in a rematch of last year's conference
championship game, 41-3. The K-State
ground game gained 343 yards, without any single ball carrier rushing for 100.
UH was unable to produce another
unlikely finish two weeks ago, when it came back from a 21-0 deficit to tie
Texas, but let the game get away midway through the fourth quarter. Donovan Smith threw for 378 yards and three
scores, but his one fumble and one interception proved costly, as the 31-24
final score would suggest.
A lot of attention is being paid to
the KSU quarterback rotation, but slowing down sophomore D.J. Giddens and the other
RBs has been like herding gats. The
Wildcat offense ranks third in the nation in rushing, behind only Air Force and
Liberty, at 232.7 yards per game and 5.6 per carry.
This game is being played in Manhattan,
KS, which might lead you to wonder how Manhattan got all the way out
there. It turns out the Muppets took it,
and sold it for money to buy crack. You
see, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.
Kansas State 40, Houston 31
Ohio State at Wisconsin
One-time OSU head coach Luke Fickell
hosts his old school for the first time since becoming the Big Cheese in
Madison. He has faced the Buckeyes once
before as head coach, with Cincinnati in 2019, when his Bearcats were beaten,
42-0.
The lumpy nuts were without the
services of RB Trayveon Henderson again last Saturday, but their defense held
Penn State out of the end zone until only 29 seconds remained in a 20-12
bruising. In a game that involved little
offense, WR Marvin Harrisonjr was still able to compile 11 receptions for 162
yards and a touchdown.
Despite having lost head-to-head to
Iowa, the Big Bad Gers are back on top in the Big Ten West, with a 25-21 road
win over Illinois. Not exactly built to
be a comeback team, they nevertheless rallied from a two-touchdown deficit to
score the only 18 points of the fourth quarter.
The Buckeyes have won the last eight
games in this series, including a 52-21 rout a year ago in Columbus. The reason for this is kind of obvious. Michigan may be stealing signals, but OSU has
got a mole on the opposing sideline. Or
rather, a badger. Bucky the team mascot
has divided loyalties, as you can easily tell, his name being a dead giveaway.
But then, badgers are not known for
their discretion. The Czar is pretty
sure he heard that in a Simon and Garfunkel song.
Ohio State 27, Wisconsin 10
Troy at Texas State
The most impressive turnaround under
a first-year coach is not taking place in Colorado, which isn't even the same team
as last year, but down in San Marcos, where the Bobcats have improved from 4-8
to 5-2 under former Incarnate Word coach and Tulsa quarterback G.J. Kinne. The up-tempo TSU offense has gone from 21.2
points per game a year ago to 38.3 in 2023, a jump that took Baylor by surprise
in a 42-31 Week 1 upset.
The D of the defending Sun Belt
Conference champion Trojans continued to T off on opponents in a 19-0 victory
over Army. The Old College Troy has
taken down its past three opponents by a combined score of 84-10. That makes this a classic matchup between the
immovable force and ... how does that go again?
Oh, let's just call them movie-thingey and stoppy-thingey. Okay, so that's dopey, but at least it's not
trite.
If the sun took off its belt, would
it be mooning us? Or would we have to
call that something else?
Troy 20, Texas State 17
Wyoming at Boise State
This unofficial Mountain West
Conference elimination game threatens to push BSU to the brink of its first
non-winning season since 1997. In Week
7, the Broncos blew a 20-point lead in the last half of the fourth quarter, in
a 31-30 crusher at Colorado State.
The 5-2 Cowboys have lost their
first two road games of the season, but in the first of those, they were tied
10-10 against Texas until wearing down in the fourth quarter, and in the other,
they were barely outlasted 34-27 by undefeated Air Force.
For all of their success in major
college football, the Broncs still wear the uniforms of a lower-division team that
has no expectation of ever being on TV.
They ought to get rid of them so they can bring them back someday as
throwback uniforms, and then throw them back.
Wyoming 26, Boise State 21
Oregon State at Arizona
In their most recent game in Week 7,
the Wildcats (4-3, 2-2) held a high-powered Washington State offense to 12
first downs, stopping them on all three fourth-down conversion attempts in a
44-6 posterior punting in Pullman. Their
three losses have been far more competitive, to Mississippi State and
Washington by seven points each, and at USC in triple-overtime.
Beaver back Damien Martinez leads
the Pac 12 in rushing with 676 yards.
The sophomore is easily on course for a 1,000-yard season, a mark he
missed last year by only 18 yards. As a
team, OSU is averaging 5.5 yards per carry.
Complaints about a team settling for
too many field goals can get a little ridiculous at times. In the Beavers' last game, they and UCLA each
scored three touchdowns. The Beavs also
booted five field goals, or "settled" for them, as if they just weren't ambitious
enough to get all the way to the end zone every time. What lardhead would think it to be a flaw in
their game that they drove into field goal range four times more than their
opponents, resulting in a 36-24 OSU victory?
UCLA coach Chip Kelly must have been
pleased with that result. He hates
scoring field goals instead of touchdowns.
Oregon State 33, Arizona 29
Umass at Army
The Army didn't fare any better on
the bayou last Saturday than it did in that arseheaded 1981 movie Southern
Comfort. The 62-0 skunking at LSU
was the Cadets' most lopsided defeat since losing their 1972 opener at
Nebraska, 77-7.
The Minutemen haven't played since
they were pounded 63-0 by Penn State in Week 7.
The College Football Czar doesn't know if there's ever been a matchup
between two teams coming off losses by a combined total of 125 points, but he
will just lazily assert that it's never happened before, and assume nobody will
bother to check up on it. Then he'll be
just like a real sports journalist.
It had been 20 years since the Black
Knights were shut out, but now it has happened in two consecutive games. Not coincidentally, the scoreless streak
began with an injury to starting quarterback Bryson Daily, early in a 19-0 loss
to Troy two weeks ago. Freshman backup
Champ Harris has thrown three interceptions in only 26 pass attempts, and has
been utterly ineffective as a rusher.
Granted, he's very young, but one may wonder what it is at which he's a
champ. Parcheesi?
Army 6, Umass 3
UNLV at Fresno State
There's no unlove in LasVegas this
season, where the Rebels (6-1, 3-0) have lost only to Michigan, while
challenging Air Force for first place in the Mountain West. Part of the reason, however, is that they've
been dealt a real cool hand. Well,
Colorado State, Nevada, Hawaii, UTEP, Vanderbilt and Division I-AA Bryant may
not be nothing, but they're the next worst thing, having a combined record of 14-32.
The Bulldogs beat Utah State 37-32
in their first game since losing to Wyoming.
They got bullied for 568 total yards, however, and trailed by a point
with less than five points remaining. In
the absence of injured starting QB Mikey Keene, backup Logan Fife drummed up
enough offense to outpace USU, with the help of a touchdown pass by wide
receiver Jaelen Gill.
Vegas, of course, is a popular
destination for visiting fans, but its own people have never before had any
reason to travel to Fresno. Other than
to get away from those creeps Penn and Teller, that is.
Fresno State 45, UNLV 33
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