The Original College Football Czar

Week 7

Week six in review: It was not a week's worth of picks that the College Football Czar is going to put in his time capsule, but the entertainment value of the games was another story. It started with the Red River Rivalry, where Oklahoma upended a Texas team that had appeared to be the best in the nation through the first month of the season. The Longhorns had taken a late three-point lead, and had played outstanding defense throughout the second half, until they only rushed three on the opening play of OU's final possession. The resulting first down sent the Sooners on a five-play drive to score the winning touchdown with 15 seconds remaining.

Unsportsmanlike conduct continues to be a growing concern for the Czar, who was horrified to see Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh actually participate in his players' festival of buffoonery in a 52-10 massacre of alleged rival Minnesota. The Wolverines opened the scoring on a pick-six, and then, after the extra point (which is to say. without the excuse of spontaneity), the entire defensive unit ran downfield and posed for a picture in the back of the end zone. But wait! Who is that boob in the lower left-hand corner but head coach Harbaugh?

Nobody behaves like this who thinks he might lose. The message to Minnesota was that Harbaugh and his team had no respect for them. They knew they would beat them by six touchdowns, so why take the game seriously for so much as one more play? The coach is supposed to be setting an example for his players. They don't need to be instructed on how to show up their opponents through displays of self-flattery. Had this been a baseball game, every Wolverine batter would have gotten beaned before it was over, and rightly so. Anybody affiliated with the university should have been outraged and disgusted by this demonstration. Surely, it was a greater offense than the one for which Harbaugh had been suspended for the first three games of the season.

At least Nick Saban doesn't make personal appearances in his players' unsportsmanlike acts, but the legendary Alabama coach needs to start exerting some control over his players right now. By all rights, the Crimson Tide should be kicking off from their own 20-yard-line at least twice a game, their post-touchdown chest-puffery having become so ingrained in the program. By now, it is obvious to anyone who watches one of their games that Saban has got more in common with Coach Prime than just a mutual friendship with a talking duck.

Unsportsmanlike conduct is called far too infrequently in the first place, but Bama in particular seems to have a whole deck of "get out of 15-yard penalty free" cards. If a player for, say, Kentucky, had shushed the crowd, and then held up a hand to the side of his helmet as if to say "I can't hear you," and then taken part in an orchestrated dance routine with a couple teammates, a flag would have eventually been thrown at some point. It seems to the Czar that the officials are afraid of affecting the national championship race by making such a call against a contending team, but by not making the calls, they are doing exactly that. The Tide's 26-20 win over Texas A&M might have ended quite differently, for example, if WR Jermaine Burton's go-ahead touchdown catch at the end of the third quarter had been followed by an A&M drive starting at its own 40. When one team blatantly commits a penalty, and the officials opt not to call it, they are cheating the other team.

Of course, one of these calls theoretically could be made against Saban's team in a situation later this season that could eliminate them from CFP contention, and if that happens, what can he say? To argue that they hadn't been calling it up to that point would be irrelevant, because the coach knows what the rules are, and he is responsible for seeing that his players obey them regardless of the quality of the enforcement.

More to the point, he is supposed to be an authority figure. He is supposed to have a fatherly concern for his players, such that he would not want them to behave like a bunch of buttweasels. If Harbaugh and Saban are what college football head coaches have become these days, then they should all agree to stop boring us with a bunch of insincere blather about molding young men's character.

Although the national title picture was only mildly effected by last week's games, there were plenty of wacky results outside the ranks of the national contenders, with Notre Dame, Miami, Washington State and Fresno State all getting bumped off. With FSU's loss to Wyoming, the already distant possibility of a small-conference school playing in the CFP faded into oblivion. (Or was that Paraguay?) As of this week, there are exactly no group-of-five teams ranked in either the AP or coaches poll.

Southern Cal's triple-overtime escape against Arizona was the only thing that spared the Czar the embarrassment of a .500 week, as he finished at 10-8. For the season, his record stands at 73-49, for a .598 winning percentage.

Oct. 13

Tulane at Memphis

Because they are only one game into their conference schedules, these two are among a five-way tie atop the American Athletic Conference. By any realistic estimation, there are really only three contenders for the league championship, the other being SMU.

Each team is 4-1, with the Green Wave's only setback coming against Ole Miss, and with QB Michael Pratt missing the game with a knee injury. The Tigers, too, have only been beaten by an SEC team, and that by only a touchdown in a neutral-site game against Missouri. The wins for the Wave have been more emphatic, though, with Memphis barely surviving challenges from Navy and Boise State.

In TU's 35-23 win over UAB in Week5, Pratt showed no lingering signs of his handicap, as he rushed for 6.7 yards per carry, while completing 14 of 23 for 184 yards and two scores. For the season, he has a 75.4 completion percentage, while gaining 11 yards per pass. These days, that's a pretty good percentage per completion, let alone attempt. In three games, he has thrown eight TD passes, while getting picked off only once.

The fans from the Big Easy can't help but be amused by the Elvis impersonators scattered throughout the stands of the Liberty Bowl. Why, they don't even know how to apply glitter without leaving the glue visible. Amateurs.

Tulane 38, Memphis 35

Oct. 14

Louisville at Pitt

The 1-4 Panthers are promising a new start, as they return from their idle week with sophomore Christian Veilleux making his deibeux as starting quarterback. Phil Jurkovec, who is now transitioning to tight end, remains listed as the second-string QB for this game. Fans would be right to be skeptical, based on the fact that second-year offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti remains, and his passing game was nearly as inept a year ago with current BYU starter Kedon Slovis. Furthermore, this undefeated Cardinal club is not an opponent against which one should want to experiment.

The Cardinals opened up a Jawhar of Jordan on Notre Dame, as the juking junior rushed for a season-high 143 yards on 21 carries with two TDs. Not that this was anything exceptional. He had previously gained 134 yards against Boston College and 113 against Indiana.

When these teams first met in 1976, the U of L still had its "Red Rage" slogan on its helmets. That would not be well received today, in this era of "mental health awareness." You know, the one in which everybody pretends there's nothing wrong with a man who insists he's an armadillo, but people publicly wring their hands in empathetic agony whenever a compelling "mental health issue" arises, such as a tennis player who doesn't feel like playing tennis today.

Louisville 40, Pitt 16

Umass at Penn State

The 5-0 Nittany Lions had better stay unbeaten for the rest of the season, because with their schedule, a split against Michigan and Ohio State should not be enough to earn them a spot in the CFP. In a 41-13 Week 5 win against Northwestern, they were tied 10-10 at halftime, largely due to the continued underachievement of their ground game. Expected to be the nation's leading running back duo, Kaytron Allen and Nicholas Singleton have combined for 590 yards on a pedestrian 4.2 per-carry average.

When the College Football Czar picked against the Minutemen in their opener, he hadn't realized that head coach Don Brown, previously the defensive coordinator at Arizona, had coaxed a massive wave of Wildcat transfers into following him to Amherst. Those Arizona second-stringers were too much for New Mexico State that week, but they won't provide much more than another light exercise for this PSU team.

Lion head coach James Franklin called out an unspecified Big Ten rival for weak scheduling, accusing the offending opponent of softening its schedules in order to increase its chances of getting into the playoffs. This year's PSU nonconference schedule consisted of West Virginia, Delaware (I-AA) and Umass. Next year, they play West Virginia, Bowling Green and Kent State. In 2025, they have two nonconference opponents scheduled, Nevada and Villanova (I-AA). 2006: Marshall, Temple and Buffalo. 2007: Syracuse, Delaware (I-AA) and Temple. 2008: Ball State and Syracuse. For him to accuse some other mystery team of namby-pamby scheduling is about as hypocritical as if he called that team's head coach an arrogant cashew-head.

Penn State 54, Umass 9

Oregon at Washington

The Fighting Ducks were good enough to win the Pac 12 in coach Dan Lanning's rookie season, but they didn't because he blew their big November rivalry games against UW and Oregon State by going for it on fourth down deep in his own territory. That 37-34 loss to the Huskies appeared to be headed for overtime, when Lanning's lardheaded call handed the ball over at the UO 33-yard-line.

The Huskies had mushed up everybody in their path until their most recent game, a 31-24 escape at Arizona, in which the Dogs committed 12 penalties for 125 yards. Over the past three games, Kalen DeBoer's club has been flagged 32 times.

UO's dominant defensive numbers are largely attributable to their competition, the only prolific offense they've shut down being Colorado, whose decimated line they easily rolled over. When they were threatened, in Week 2 against Texas Tech, they yielded 456 yards in a 38-30 firefight.

These are statistically the top two offenses in the nation, with UW ranking #1 with 569.4 yards per game. The Quack Attack is more diversified, however, with 40 percent of its yardage coming by way of its ground game, as opposed to 22 percent for the Huskies. This makes Michael Penixjr a more likely Heisman candidate than Bo Nix, but the Czar questions whether that's the best formula for winning a conference championship.

The hostility between these two Left Coast institutions is unlike anything seen elsewhere in the college football world. One side believes people should be forced to eat insects, while the other is strictly vegan. Anybody who steps between them risks getting hit with a cloth manpurse.

Oregon 45, Washington 43

Miami at North Carolina

It's a little late in the season, but the NCAA finally reversed its ruling on Tez Walker's eligibility, and allowed the Tar Heel wide receiver to play last week against Syracuse. The former Kent State standout had previously been denied because it was his second transfer, but the rule restricting multiple transfers was just enacted during the offseason, after many other players had already made their moves. The College Football Czar is all in favor of the new limitations, but they really should have been implemented before players like Walker decided to leave their current schools.

Quarterback Drake Maye found Walker for six of his 33 completions, in a 442-yard, three-touchdown effort, by far his best of the season. The 40-7 slamming of SU improved the Heels' record to 5-0. Based on the competition they've faced, they ought to be ranked considerably higher than #12, but too many pollsters carry over their presumptions from the previous year, and UNC ended 2022 on a four-game skid.

The Czar hereby nominates Miami head coach Mario Cristobal and offensive coordinator Shannon Dawson for the Lardhead of the Year Award, for needlessly blowing last week's game against Georgia Tech on a call reminiscent of the 1978 Joe Pisarcik play that cost the Giants a game against the Eagles. Rather than simply downing the ball to run out the clock and win the game, the Hurricanes handed off, and fumbled. With 25 seconds left, Tech turned around and toasted them on a 30-yard completion, followed by a 44-yard touchdown strike to steal the game.

Everyone remembers Joe Pisarcik for that historic bungle, but he wasn't the one who called the play, and the fumble wasn't even his fault. Although quarterbacks often called their own plays in those days, Giants offensive coordinator Bob Gibson did not trust Pisarcik with that responsibility. It was Gibson who called for the unnecessary handoff, and running back Larry Csonka who caused the collision that jarred the ball loose. Perhaps not expecting such a moronic play call, Csonka was already attempting to block when Pisarcik tried to hand off to him. The quarterback was a victim of soikumstance on this play, yet it is he who lives on in infamy, which at least is an improvement over New Jersey.

North Carolina 51, Miami 34

USC at Notre Dame

Fighting Irish coach Marcus Freeman should feel fortunate that the Miami debacle overshadowed his own insane play call, which ended his team's chances in a 33-20 loss to Louisville. Trailing 24-13 with almost ten minutes to go, the second-year skipper went for a fourth-and-11 from his own 35. As counterintuitive as analytics can sometimes be, it cannot possibly be to blame for that decision.

In this streaky series, the Irish lead 50-38-5, but they have lost five in a row, and 10 of the last 13. Last November, QB Caleb Williams ran for three touchdowns, but it was tailback Austin Jones who set a career high with 154 yards on 25 carries.

These Trojans must be of the lubricated variety, the way their would-be tacklers have consistently slid right off opposing ball carriers. In yards per game allowed, they're currently tenth in the Pac 12, ahead of only Colorado and Stanford. Late last Saturday night, in a wacky 43-41 triple-overtime win over Arizona, they were outgained 506-365.

Wait a minute, you may be thinking, how did that last paragraph appear on these pages? Isn't The College Football Czar a family publication? Well, yes, but consider this the Disney version.

USC 42, Notre Dame 39

Auburn at LSU

For the second week in a row, Louisiana State faces an SEC opponent that is also named the Tigers, and it's just as well. As long as the fans are dopey enough to cheer for their conference, why bother distinguishing among the various teams in it? It's a wonder the league is letting Oklahoma and Texas join, since each of those schools has a unique nickname. It's a little-known fact that, according to conference bylaws, one of these teams should have to call itself the Tigers, and the other the Bulldogs, before they can be admitted.

Quarterbacks Payton Thorne and Robby Ashford are second and fourth on AU in rushing yards. The flip side is that the team's running backs, contrary to team tradition, have been quiet. Jarquez Hunter leads the way with a paltry total of 202 yards through five games.

A year ago, the Bayou Bengals trailed 17-0 at Jordan-Hare Stadium, but rallied to win 21-17, in spite of an unproductive day from QB Jayden Daniels. He has not had nearly that poor a performance so far this season, nor does he appear as if he is about to.

Do you suppose the fans in Tuscaloosa did the S-E-C chant when Alabama lost to Texas? Well, why not?

LSU 37, Auburn 24

Brigham Young at TCU

Second-string Frog QB Josh Hoover was not able to clean up the mess that was left for him in Ames, where his team took a spill in a 27-14 loss to Iowa State. Hoover's horny toads trailed 17-7 when starter Chandler Morris came out with a leg injury. Including an ill-fated wide receiver pass, three Texas Christian tossers combined for four interceptions, to go along with a blocked punt and two turnovers on downs. Morris is expected to miss this week�s game, and at least one more.

The Cougars have had a week off since collecting their first conference victory in the Big XII, leveling their league record at 1-1 with a 35-27 win over Cincinnati. Nobody could run down wide receiver Chase Roberts, who gained 131 yards and a touchdown on six catches.

During the offseason, Pitt offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti gloated that quarterback Kedon Slovis, now at BYU, bolted the Burgh because he didn't want to compete with new Panther prize transfer Phil Jurkovec. If the twice-traveled player were equally petty, he might have something to say about that, now that he is on a 4-1 team, and has thrown ten TD passes to three interceptions, while Cignetti is left fumbling for answers.

If Slovis doesn't want his former coaches talking about him, he could eat sloppy Slavic slaw slowly, with a spoon. Have a mouthful of that, Franky!.

Brigham Young 22, TCU 17

Georgia Southern at James Madison

It ought to be unconstitutional to deny a team a postseason bid just because it's only in its second year in Division I-A. JMU is 5-0, but it is still considered a transitional I-A program, and thus is ineligible for a bowl bid or a Sun Belt Conference championship. There's nothing transitional about its schedule, which includes 11 Division I-A opponents, the same as almost everybody else. The Czar fails to see why this team is any less legitimate than, say, Toledo or Western Kentucky.

It sure smelled like trouble brewing when the Eagles introduced new quarterback Davis Brin, who had filled it to the rim with INTs during his time at Tulsa. In 2021, he led the nation in picks with 16, and believe it or not, he's on pace to surpass that mark. Among his seven interceptions this season, five came in the same game, a 35-14 loss to Wisconsin. In his other four games, he has led GASO to four victories, while throwing eleven TDs to only two INTs, and averaging 307 yards per game.

Among his many other accomplishments, James Madison negotiated the Louisiana Purchase when he was secretary of state. The United States, under President Thomas Jefferson, paid $15 million dollars for the territory, which soon paid for itself through the sale of "Future Birthplace of Bubby Brister" tee-shirts.

James Madison 34, Georgia Southern 31

Missouri at Kentucky

Devin went down to Georgia, and it didn't go any better than usual. Former Nc State quarterback Devin Long completed only 10 of 26 in a 51-13 thrashing that has effectively ended the race for the SEC East. Sure, that's only the Wildcats' first defeat, but coming head-to-head against UGA, it effectively sets them two games off the lead.

Luther Burdeniii has weighed heavily on the minds of opposing defensive coaches. The Tiger wide receiver leads the nation with 793 receiving yards, and the only game in which he was held under 100 was the season opener against Division I-AA South Dakota, in which he gained 96 before being pulled.

It's easy to see why Charlie Daniels had to revise his lyrics. "I told you once, Devin" just wasn't doing it.

Missouri 30, Kentucky 28

Kansas at Oklahoma State

Being a bean counter would be an easy job in Lawrence these days, because with starting QB Jalon Daniels out, backup Jason Bean has not been allowed to put up very big numbers. Last week against Central Florida, he only had 12 pass attempts, completing eight, for 91 yards. Meanwhile, the Jayhawk ground game gained 399 yards, in a 51-22 romp.

OSU was nearly ousted early from the Big XII race, before bumping off defending conference champion Kansas State 29-21 last Friday night. Redshirt freshman safety Cameron Epps came up with two interceptions, one of which he returned for a TD to put the Pokes in command shortly before halftime.

Stillwater did not spring from the Fountain of Youth, regardless of what Cowboy coach Mike Gundy would have us believe. Sorry, Mike, but regrowing your mullet does not make us think you're 40! again.

Kansas 47, Oklahoma State 42

UCLA at Oregon State

One of the chief culprits in the breakup of the Pac 12 visits one of its victims in what promises to be one of the most bitter battles of the season. Although the dissolution of the league accelerated with the loss of peripheral member Colorado to the Big XII, it was realistically a done deal once UCLA and Southern Cal eloped to the Big Ten.

Don't look now, but the Bruins are in the thick of the crowded conference race, since upsetting Washington State 25-17. After this battle with the Beavs, they could spend the next month feasting on marshmallows before facing rival USC.

Leavenworth, KS native Anthony Gould had a big breakout game against California. The Beaver wide receiver pulled down 11 passes for 117 yards, although he was not the recipient of any of D.J. Uiagalelei's five TD passes in a 52-40 battle with the Golden Bears.

Of course, Gould is only from the town of Leavenworth, not the penitentiary. He'll have to rely on other players to tell him what that's like.

Oregon State 26, UCLA 24

Texas A&M at Tennessee

The Conjunction Boys try to get back on track after an inexplicable train wreck in the second half of a 26-20 loss to Alabama. The Agathas gagged despite committing ten fewer penalties than the Crimson Tide, going plus-one in turnovers, and allowing less than one yard per rushing attempt.

The Volunteers have won 12 consecutive home games since falling to #1 Georgia in 2021, a streak that has included victories over Alabama, Florida and Kentucky. The Aggies are not the most likely team to end that streak, having lost their last seven true road games, including a 48-33 mugging at Miami in Week 2.

In only the third meeting since A&M joined the SEC in 2012, the Vols are looking for their first regular season win in the series. They had previously beaten the ampersanders twice, in bowl games, the more recent one being the Cotton Bowl at the end of the 2004 season.

Both teams have dog mascots, even though neither of them has a canine team moniker. TAMU has a Rin Tin Tin-type collie named Reveille, whereas UT has an energy-deficient, floppy-eared hound dog named Ole Smoky, who looks like he's a lot more interested in fried bologna than in the football game. The edge here clearly goes to the Vols, because when you're relying on the team pet for heroism, you're in trouble.

Tennessee 28, Texas A&M 18

Wyoming at Air Force

These teams may be first and last alphabetically in Division I-A football, but they're a lot closer in the Mountain West standings. The Cowboys (5-1, 2-0) have played a far more challenging schedule, losing only to Texas, while the Falcons (5-0, 3-0) are tied for eighth nationally in scoring defense, at 12.2 points per game.

The Men from Laramie roughed up previous MWC frontrunner Fresno State, 24-19, halting the Bulldogs' winning streak at 14 games. Now they face the flyboys, who have taken ten in a row since the beginning of last November.

AFA quarterback Zac Larrier not only passed for 189 yards and two TDs in a 49-10 trampling of San Diego State, but he also led his team in rushing with 103 yards on only eight carries. This dual-threat domination meant he was even more Larry than in any previous game. How can the Pokes possibly compete with that?

Air Force 17, Wyoming 13

Nc State at Duke

The Wolfpack made a move at quarterback, benching Brennan Armstrong in favor of M.J. Morris, and the result was that they outscored Marshall 48-41, but did it really work? Morris did throw for 265 yards and four touchdowns, but he was also picked off three times, while barely completing a majority of his passes. This week, when he faces the nation's seventh-rated pass defense, will he fare any better than Armstrong did in losses to Notre Dame and Louisville? Being only a sophomore, at least he's got plenty of time to make the most of a tough lesson, but that doesn't help where this week is concerned.

The Blue Devils might be changing QBs too, but involuntarily so. A fortuitous idle week gave Riley Skinner a chance to rest up after suffering a high ankle sprain in the waning moments of his team's defeat against Notre Dame, but it's unclear whether or not he'll be well enough to take the field against NCSU.

When a QB in Durham throws a home run ball, might he win a steak? If so, then who needs NIL?

Duke 21, Nc State 16

Iowa at Wisconsin

A win would leave the Big Bad Gers in total command in the Big Ten West, already two games up on their nearest competitors. The Madison Reds rolled out to a 17-0 halftime lead last week, on their way to a 24-13 victory over Rutgers. They don't have to play Michigan or Penn State in the regular season, which means the Hawkeyes will catch up to them either now or never.

The Hawkeyes have won their last two conference games to climb into second place, but they only outscored a meandering Michigan State team 26-16, before barely putting away punchless Purdue, 20-14. Since losing QB Cade McNamara to a leg injury in the first quarter against MSU, they have handed the ball to former Badger backup Deacon Hill. The sophomore has passed for only 115 and 110 yards in those two games, while completing 17 of 48.

The winner of this game takes home the Heartland Trophy, a likeness of a grazing bull whose head is disproportionately large. Its name is not Scottie Pippen, but it should be.

Wisconsin 10, Iowa 3

San Diego State at Hawaii

The Aztecs have been beaten four times in a row, but always by quality competition (UCLA, Oregon State, Boise State, Air Force). At 0-2 in the Mountain West and 2-4 overall, they do not face another foe of that caliber until their season finale against Fresno State.

The Rainbow Warriors got tripped up on the crinkly carpet, falling to UNLV 44-20 at Allegiant Stadium. UH only went 1-for-11 on third-down conversions that day, mostly because of a ground game that gained only 1.8 yards per carry, leaving them in long-yardage situations.

Have you ever noticed how similar the helmet, cape and other attire of the Rainbow Warrior is to the Aztec? Cultural appropriation! Cultural appropriation!

San Diego State 32, Hawaii 21

Navy at Charlotte

Biff Poggi has taken time out from his other job as a video game character to moonlight as head coach of the 49ers. Poggi (pronounced with a soft "g") is a 64-year-old longtime high school coach, who was a backup offensive lineman at Pitt way back in the Marino era.

It might have sounded like the Midshipmen were outnumbered, but they only needed one Tecza to turn away North Texas last weekend. Sophomore fullback Alex Tecza toted the ball for 137 yards and two touchdowns, to help his team win a 27-24 tussle over the Mean Green. The goat-to guys now have a chance to improve to 3-3, if they are able to dust the Pick-Cs in the Queen City.

The 1-4 Niners have yet to defeat a Division I-A opponent, but if they can knock off the Naval Academy, their remaining October schedule will give them a chance to contend for a bowl bid. Their chances of pulling that off would improve if they could finally produce a winner in their quarterback competition, between senior Jalon Jones and sophomore Trexler Ivey.

Poggi's given first name is Francis. Obviously, he goes by Biff because it's less embarrassing. Never once has he had anybody say to him "lighten up, Biff."

Navy 33, Charlotte 26

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone