The Original College Football Czar

Week 7

Week six in review: The only whiteout that was seen last weekend was the stuff that was used to blot Penn State out of the rankings, after the Nittany Lions lost to previously winless UCLA, 42-37. Meanwhile, the ranks of the unbeatens dwindled by four, with Iowa State, Vanderbilt, Maryland and Houston each taking its first loss of the season.

Since hiring Bill Belichick, North Carolina has gotten the worst case of buyer's remorse since the time those parents mistakenly bought something called a "Tickle Me Emo" for Christmas, and unwittingly gave their child a vibrating Emo Philips, instead of the cloying character from Sesame Street. That never happened, you say? Exactly! That's just how dire the situation has become at the Chapel of Love, where the 2-3 hometown Tar Heels have lost badly to all three credible opponents.

At long last, the NCAA has narrowed the opening of the transfer portal, to the period from January 2-16. The College Football Czar would prefer to see it moved beyond the postseason altogether, but at least players no longer need to leave before their bowl games to avoid missing out on an opportunity. The spring window is closed altogether, which will grant the coaches some continuity between spring and fall practices. The Czar still believes The Powers That Be Stupid were using the December portal to deliberately euthanize the bowl games, but they really didn't expect players to begin taking a pass on the playoffs. We can't be sure exactly what prompted this decision, but there sure seemed to be a moment of panic when Penn State backup QB Beau Pribula transferred out prior to last postseason.

The College Football Czar got off to a slow start, but rallied in the Saturday night games to finish the week at 13-7. For the season, he is 71-48, for a .597 winning percentage.

Oct. 10

South Florida at North Texas

The team from Tampa might have trouble finding its way to this game, because UNT is located in Denton, which really is in the northern part of Texas. South Florida, by comparison, is due west of Central Florida, which is to say, not in South Florida. So if the Bulls want to make it to the field in time for kickoff, the first thing they need to realize is that Texan geography is not sarcastic.

Between these American conference opponents, the Mean Green are the ones who remain unbeaten at this point, but that's not so great a surprise considering that their toughest competition so far has been Army. USF, on the other hand, has already blown out Boise State and beaten Florida, their remarkable run ending only with a loss at Miami.

Bull quarterback Byrum Brown is also his team's leading rusher, with at least twice as many carries as any of the running backs. This has got to be a little bit unsettling for his coaches, considering the number of hits he has been taking, after missing the last eight games of 2024 with a broken leg.

His counterpart, Drew Mestemaker, has not made very many mestemakes so far this year. The 6-foot-4 redshirt freshman has yet to throw an interception in 156 passes, 106 of which he has completed, with eleven touchdowns. It helps that he doesn't have to take a lot of chances when he's throwing to teammates like RB Caleb Hawkins, who turned a short dump pass into a 68-yard TD to take command of last week's 36-22 win over South Alabama.

That game, like this one, was played at DATCU Stadium. Where will they play when the Horned Frogs decide they want it back?

North Texas 38, South Florida 34

Rutgers at Washington

Last season in Piscataway, the Huskies dominated in terms of total yardage (521-299), and had no turnovers of the conventional kind. Nevertheless, they lost to RU 21-18, with three missed field goals and two turnovers on downs. Grady Gross, who missed a 55-yard boot that would have forced overtime, had misfired on two much shorter attempts earlier in the game. He has had no such troubles so far this year, going 5-for-5 in field goals, including a 51-yarder in the Apple Cup against Washington State.

RU quarterback Athan "the Greek Rifle" Kaliakmanis has been playing out of his Balkan mind so far this season. The senior is more than 13 percentage points above his career-best completion rate, and third among Big Ten QBs with 1,399 yards.

It's a little surprising that these teams met before UW joined the conference, when the Dogs swept a home-and-home series in 2016-17. Their 48-13 romp in the home game was a rare West Coast trip for the Knights, who are 0-7 all-time west of the Plains States.

How do you know Grady is gross? If he wasn't, Fred wouldn't have to keep telling him to quit suckin his teeth.

Washington 33, Rutgers 20

Oct. 11

Pitt at Florida State

After two gruesome losses in a row, Pat Narduzzi called on virtually untested freshman quarterback Mason Heintschel against Boston College, and he responded with 323 yards and four touchdowns, in a 48-7 bombardment. It's not coincidental, however, that the Panther coach picked BC as the opponent against which to build his young QB's confidence. This week will be a far greater challenge, as his penalty-prone, injury riddled offensive line tries to stave off a Seminole defense that will provide a lot more pressure.

FSU is 0-2 in ACC play after a 28-22 loss to Miami that wasn't nearly that close. The Hurricanes led 28-3 at the end of three, before the Noles came back to make it look more respectable than it really was. Somebody should ask QB Tommy Castellanos whether his team needed to lose that one. The former BC scrambler, widely celebrated for his big mouth after an opening upset of Alabama, has already matched last year's interception total, while throwing a third as many touchdowns as he compiled a year ago.

Why do the fans in Tallahassee go crazy for Chief Osceola, just because he manages to throw his spear into the ground? Even D.J. Uiagalelei couldn't miss that.

Florida State 24, Pitt 13

Northwestern at Penn State

The way the Nittany Lions wandered into that ambush at UCLA, you'd have thought coach James Franklin and his staff had no awareness that they were taking on a team that had suddenly changed its whole offensive approach. By the time they recognized the challenge they faced, they already trailed 27-7 at halftime.

The 3-2 Wildcats have lost by 20 points each to Tulane and Oregon. They did defeat UCLA, however, 17-14 in Week 5. Fifth-year senior QB Preston Stone is supposedly hitting his stride, but so far he has only topped the 200-yard mark twice, against Louisiana-Monroe and Division I-AA Western Illinois.

PSU coach James Franklin is taking full responsibility for his team's predicament. "I'm responsible. I hired the staff. We recruited the players," he explained. So he admits it's his fault that everyone else is screwing up. Who does he think he is, Kamala Harris? If this game was played by passing a buck instead of a pigskin, this guy would be a coaching legend.

Penn State 38, Northwestern 20

Indiana at Oregon

The Ducks were lucky to have an idle week after their overtime victory at Penn State. Perhaps that UCLA-PSU result will pull their heads down out of the clouds and make them realize they might not be all that they're quacked up to be.

In their only prior visit to Eugene, in the 2004 season opener, the Hoosiers converted five turnovers into a 23-0 lead, then held on for a massive 30-24 upset victory. The next year, they bought their way out of the return game in Bloomington, just because they thought their schedule was too tough. So they cheated their fans of a home game against UO, and instead played Division I-AA Nicholls State, to whom they nearly lost.

This time, an IU win would not be nearly such a surprise, with both teams currently ranked in the Top Ten. The candelabra-heads didn't exactly light up Iowa in their first road game of the season, though. In that 20-15 fracas, they took an intentional game-ending safety on a play that started at their own 40-yard-line. Okay, so it was fourth down, meaning they had to exhaust the clock or else turn the ball over to the Hawkeyes, but there were only three seconds left. If QB Fernando Mendoza would simply have chucked the ball for a long incompletion, time would have expired before it hit the ground. To make him sprint in the wrong direction and unnecessarily give up two points reeks of one of those clever coach calls, by which the head coach deliberately makes an unconventional decision in order to draw attention to himself (also known as the LaRussa effect). This is a tendency that is bound to come back and burn Curt Cignetti at some point, by putting the spotlight on him at a time when he would rather it not be.

When a team wins big one week and then loses the next, lardheads like to say they should have saved some of their points from the previous game. Maybe Cignetti believes that by giving up those two points there will be two fewer points-against available for this game. And the analytics dorks probably agree.

Oregon 39, Indiana 37

Oklahoma vs. Texas

The Red River Rivalry returns once again to the venerable Cotton Bowl, and not to that sensory deprivation chamber in Arlington that once tried to steal it away. Anybody who doesn't like it is a wiener, and will continue to be a bitter wiener at least until the contract runs out in 2037.

So much for the College Football Czar's Texas-Penn State prediction for the CFP championship game. It was one thing for the Horns to fall on their haunches in their opener at Ohio State, but last week's 29-21 loss to a foundering Florida team doesn't leave much room for optimism for the rest of the season.

OU quarterback John Mateer is trying to return from successful hand surgery to play in this traditional neutral-site rivalry game. The Sooners still don't have much of an idea how they would get along without him, after sophomore Michael Hawkinsjr led them to a completely uncompetitive 44-0 win over Kent State.

It just doesn't figure that Longhorn QB Arch Manning would continue to play as poorly as he has so far. For the grandson of Archie Manning and nephew of Peyton and Eli not to be an outstanding quarterback would be like George P. Bush being able to correctly pronounce "nuclear."

Texas 24 Oklahoma 19

Alabama at Missouri

It might sound dumb to suggest that the Crimson Tide could be in for a letdown after the Vanderbilt game, but that has never deterred the College Football Czar before, so here goes. It's hard to overestimate the importance of last week's 30-14 victory against the team that torpedoed their 2024 season, and for that game to follow their big win over Georgia will make it difficult for them to carry that same kind of energy into a third game in a row.

Mizzou is 5-0 so far, but they are just now getting to the tough part of their schedule, with Auburn, Vanderbilt, Texas A&M and Oklahoma still waiting ahead. Furthermore, this is their sixth consecutive home game to start the season, before having to play four of their last six on the road. Sophomore Ahmad Hardy currently leads the nation in rushing with 730 yards, but that factoid will draw little more than a hardy-har-har from the rest of the SEC until it sees how he performs against more serious competition.

High completion percentages do not impress the College Football Czar if most of the passes are basically just long handoffs. In a 42-6 massacre of Umass, Tiger QB Beau Pribula set a team record with 21 straight completions, but they were only for a total of 187 yards. Even Chief Osceola could have done that.

Alabama 23, Missouri 16

Ohio State at Illinois

The top-ranked lumpy nuts lead the nation in fewest points allowed, with an even 5.0 per game. Last Saturday, they grounded the Golden Gophers for 162 total yards in a 42-3 thumping. During their current nine-game winning streak against the Fighting Illini, they have yielded a per-game average of 12.2.

The planets do not need to illin to get the Illini into the Big Ten title game, even after they were innil-ated by Indiana, 63-10. After this big game with the Buckeyes, they will have a chance to go on a run against a remaining schedule that does not include Oregon, Michigan or Penn State.

OSU's last loss in this series was a 28-21 shocker in 2007, when they were stymied by UI quarterback Juice Williams. Why any football player by that time would have been okay with the nickname "Juice" is kind of disturbing. That was even the same year that O.J. was actually convicted of something. Talk about a makeup call.

Tucker Carlson knows that The Juice are to blame, for everything!

Ohio State 31, Illinois 13

Georgia at Auburn

UGA could be walking into a Tiger trap. AU may be at the bottom of the SEC standings, but their two losses have been to Oklahoma, 24-17, and Texas A&M, 16-10. Despite a difficult early schedule that has also included an opening win over Baylor, the Tigers have not allowed more than 24 points in a single game.

The Bulldogs' non-league opponents provide an example of what has brought the College Football Czar around to favoring a nine-game conference schedule. Aside from their traditional rivalry game against Georgia Tech, their nonconference slate consists of Marshall, Charlotte and Division I-AA Austin Peay. It's hard to argue against trading one of those for another SEC opponent.

If Tiger RB Jeremiah Cobb is anything like Lee J. Cobb, he must be shouting "Gimme!" like Johnny Friendly in On the Waterfront. The team's leading rusher has only gotten six carries in each of the last two games, in spite of a stellar 7.4 yard-per-carry average. The Czar would suspect an injury, except it isn't only Cobb. Hugh Freeze's team just isn't handing the ball off very often to anyone.

Mr. Friendly has money riding on this game, no doubt. The only question is whether or not he's taking the pernts.

Auburn 17, Georgia 16

Michigan at USC

With Penn State out of the way, and either Oregon or Indiana taking a loss this week, the Wolverines would become Big Ten contenders with a win in this matchup that traditionally would not take place until New Year's. In ten previous clashes, these teams have met in the Rose Bowl eight times, with Southern Cal taking six of those. The maize and blue have beaten them in the only two previous regular season matchups, way back in 1957-58. That means SC has a 6-3 series lead in Los Angeles, but they have dropped the only game so far in the L.A. Coliseum.

Wolverine coach Sherrone Moore returned from his two-game suspension, and probably wished at times that he was still able to change channels away from the boring performance he was directing. His team was dull, but disciplined, committing no turnovers and only one penalty in a 24-10 trudge past Wisconsin.

The Trojans have had a week off since a tough 34-32 setback at Illinois. Trailing by 14, they pulled that analytics move that only seems to work in games involving themselves. Their two-point conversion succeeded, pulling them within six. They scored again on their subsequent possession to take a one-point lead, but then allowed a field goal on the last play of the game.

Why do people think Randy Newman was literally singing the praises of Los Angeles in "I Love L.A.," when he has hardly uttered a non-facetious word in his entire life? The song doesn't mean he really loves L.A., any more than he really thinks "short people got no reason to live." Of course, he is perfectly aware that they have a purpose in life. Regular-sized people can't just go around tossing themselves, you know.

USC 23, Michigan 20

Central Florida at Cincinnati

These former American Athletic Conference foes first met on the gridiron ten years ago, and have played again every season since, with each team winning five games. Last year at the Bounce House, the offenses fell flat in a 19-13 Bearcat victory.

In Orlando, they say don't get mad, get Tayven, and then get mad at Tayven because he only threw for 97 yards in a 27-20 loss to Kansas. Since a successful opener against Jacksonville State, QB Tayven Jackson has only tossed one TD pass in four games.

The Bearcats nearly blew a 31-7 lead against Iowa State, before hanging on by a final of 38-30 in a jam-packed Nippert Stadium. Scott Satterfield's team took 13 penalties for 128 yards, to make things tougher on themselves than they should have been.

Knights coach Scott Frost says his school must only be referred to as UCF, and calling it "Central Florida" is disrespectful. His pronouns are (lard/head).

Cincinnati 35, Central Florida 26

UCLA at Michigan State

A relative of a well-known sports figure made his first appearance on the UCLA sideline last week, and was a major factor in a monumental upset of Penn State. No, that's not a Korda sister who got none of the looks in the family, it's the son of former Bruin QB and Colorado and Washington head coach Rick Neuheisel. From the appearance of new offensive coordinator Jerry Neuheisel, you might not think a bunch of athletes would be inclined to take him seriously, except that everything he told them seemed to work. Although he doesn't look the part, the younger Neuheisel was once the backup QB for the Bruins himself. After that, he played for one season with the Obic Seagulls of the Japanese league.

In that PSU game, Nico Iamaleava only passed for 166 yards, but he rushed for a career-high 128, while scoring a combined total of five touchdowns. It may not be $4 million worth of offense, but it provides some hope that the gamble might belatedly pay off.

Spartan coach Jonathan Smith says starting QB Aidan Chiles came out of last week's loss to Nebraska because of an undisclosed injury, and was not benched because of poor play. It must be coincidental that he had completed just 9 of 23 pass attempts for 85 yards and two interceptions, and also had a heated exchange with wide receiver Nick Marsh on the sideline. Alessio Milivejovic took some time out from ethnic cleansing to complete 6 of 7 for 71 yards and a TD.

Sorry, but when you have to scrounge up two Balkan jokes in the same week, quality must necessarily suffer.

UCLA 30, Michigan State 22

TCU at Kansas State

Gee, that jet lag from Dublin must really be stubborn, because it was still affecting the Wildcats by Week 6, in a 35-34 last-minute loss to Baylor. Avery Johnson did not throw a very good pass midway through the fourth quarter, when his back-footed fling was intercepted and run back 66 yards for a touchdown.

Texas Christian took away its game against Colorado 35-21, mostly by going plus-4 in turnovers. Aside from making one of his team's three interceptions, senior linebacker Namdi Obiazor forced a fumble, and recorded a sack among his ten tackles.

The play-by-play man for this game on Fox will be Tim Brando. That fact is sure to annoy anybody who's watching, because of his linguistic laziness during his touchdown calls. Omitting the important words "at the," he typically shouts, "He's twenty! He's ten! He's five!" as if the ball carrier were regressing through childhood as he approached the goal line. At least if that was really happening, the TD-scoring tike would have an excuse for doing that annoying "nappy-bye" motion in the end zone.

TCU 52, Kansas State 42

Florida at Texas A&M

It's weirdly fitting that the ampersanders are the team that never does enough to satisfy anyone. So they're 2-0 in the SEC and 5-0 overall, with a nonconference road win over Notre Dame. And? Unfortunately, this disbelief has been well-earned, with decades of disappointing results shaping the opinions of fans and media alike.

The moribund Gator offense got a needed jolt with the debut of freshman wide receiver Dallas Wilson, who had been out with a foot injury since before the season opener. Against a top ten Texas team, the not-far-from-Waco kid was too fast for the favored Longhorns, catching six passes for 111 yards and two scores, in a 29-21 triumph.

Way back in the old, old days when people used real money, it was sometimes said that cash is king. Well, it was the return of the king last week, when A&M defensive end Cashius Howell recorded three sacks against Mississippi State, in a 31-9 knockaround. That effort matched his season high, which he previously set against Utah State, when he took down the USU quarterback on three consecutive plays in the second quarter.

It can't be coincidental that a guy who's named after money shares a surname with Thurston Howelliii? Too bad he doesn't play in the Ivy League. Good heavens, Lovie, a Yale man!

Texas A&M 20, Florida 13

Nebraska at Maryland

The Terrapins took the slow and steady approach out to a 20-0 lead last week against Washington, only to have the Huskies sled right by them for 24 consecutive points. That loss, their first of the year, has the potential to snowball on them, as their remaining Big Ten schedule looks a bit menacing, even without Ohio State, Oregon or Penn State.

The Cornhuskers leave the confines of Memorial Stadium for the first time since a neutral-site season opener in Kansas City against Cincinnati. They lost their last four true road games of last season, most recently winning one at Purdue just over a year ago.

What do Terp running backs DeJuan Williams, Nolan Ray and Iverson Howard have in common? They all have identical, mediocre yard-per-carry averages of 3.5, even after facing weak competition in their first three games. If this is an example of "running back by committee," they haven't even been able to decide between muffins or bagels yet.

Nebraska 14, Maryland 10

Kansas at Texas Tech

The Jayhawks (4-2, 2-1) shut out Central Florida in the second half of a 27-20 scrap in Orlando. Senior running back Leshon Williams scored a career-high three touchdowns, as he led his team back after spotting the Knights an early 14-0 lead.

The 5-0 Red Raiders have scored back-to-back 24-point victories against previously unbeaten opponents Utah and Houston. Last week, they more than doubled the offensive output of the Cougars (552-267), in a 35-11 thumping on the road.

Tech plays its home games at AT&T Stadium in Lubbock, not to be confused with AT&T Stadium in Arlington, which was built by Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. The one where Tech plays, which has nothing to do with Jones, is nevertheless the one that is officially named Jones AT&T Stadium, if that helps, which it doesn't. If this were any stupider, it could be an Abbott and Costello routine.

Q: Who's on first?

A: Nobody funny, that's for damn sure.

Texas Tech 30, Kansas 19

Miami OH at Akron

In a 28-22 win over Central Michigan, the Zips recorded their third victory in their last four Mid-American Conference games, going back to last November. Quarterback Ben Finley, who had missed the previous blowout loss to Toledo with a leg injury, came back to throw for 252 yards and three touchdowns.

According to an official study (and what could be more official than a study?), the Finns are the happiest people in the world. Dequan Finn must be holding down their average, though, because the RedHawk quarterback only has three TDs to four interceptions this year, whereas he had thrown for 41 scores and 14 INTs in his two seasons at Toledo. For him to revive his pro prospects, he will have to play a lot more consistently the way he did in last week's 25-14 win over Northern Illinois.

What's not to like about being a Finn? Fish pies every day, fifty degree highs in the summer, women with no makeup and armed Russkies right across the border. Still, you can't argue with science.

Akron 31, Miami OH 27

Arizona State at Utah

The Sun Devils have won back-to-back games by identical 27-24 scores against presumptive Big XII contenders Baylor and TCU. Sophomore QB Sam Leavitt scrambled for 62 yards and a touchdown in each of them. It's kind of like deja vu, except that it isn't French, or else it would suck.

Just when it looked like a damper had been put on Devon Dampier's season, the Ute QB threw for four touchdowns and ran for one more in a 48-14 rout of West Virginia. The ex-New Mexican now has 11 TDs to 3 INTs, after tossing 12 of each a year ago.

Whenever the College Football Czar uses a word of foreign origin, he has to go back and undo the "corrections" Microsoft makes, when it adds accent marks, umlauts, and that little booger that hangs off the bottom of the letter "c." Pretty soon, it's going to start "correcting" whole words, so that the Czar won't be able to refer to individuals with singular pronouns anymore.

One of these seasons, the Czar's publication will avail itself of the modern miracle of AI, and that will save him lots of time and effort. He'll simply say, "Write something that makes me sound like a sniveling, irritating prat." And then he'll go to work for Sports Illustrated.

Arizona State 34, Utah 30

Navy at Temple

Senior wide receiver Eli Heidenreich set a Naval Academy record with 243 receiving yards in a wild 34-31 victory over rival Air Force. Blake Horvath's 339 passing yards were the most by a Midshipmen quarterback since Jim Kubiak set the school record with 361 against Army in 1994.

The Owls tripped up the UTSA Roadrunners 27-21 in their American Conference opener, on the strength of a three-TD takeover in the third quarter. At 3-2 overall, their only losses have been to undefeated teams Oklahoma and Georgia Tech.

First-year TU coach K.C. Keeler is 66 years old, and he's had success everywhere he's gone, starting with a stretch at Division III Rowan. The team name for that school is the Profs, which is short for professors, as if that is supposed to distinguish it somehow. There are professors, right here at the university? What a proud academic institution this must be.

Temple alumnus Bill Cosby is not a professor, but he does have a Ph.D. in education. His solipsistic, 242-page dissertation was entitled, "An Integration of the Visual Media via Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids Into the Elementary School Curriculum as a Teaching Aid and Vehicle to Achieve Increased Learning." Anybody who actually wants to read it would be getting his just disserts.

Temple 41, Navy 38

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone