The College
Football Czar
Week 6
Week five in review: There were no major upsets, but top-ranked UGA had a tough go of it for a second time in two SEC games, this time against Auburn. The Bulldogs prevailed by only seven points over the Tigers, as did #7 Washington at Arizona and #8 USC at Colorado. The highest-ranked team to lose to a lower-ranked opponent was LSU, which couldn't keep up with divisional rival Ole Miss in a 55-49 footrace.
Last week, Ohio State head coach Brutus called out Lou Holtz for making critical remarks about his team, with such fury that one would think the former Notre Dame skipper had just insulted his mother. The controversy continues this week, with media outrage being directed at Holtz for dropping the Buckeyes five spots in his rankings, presumably as a personal act of spite. The anger at the ex-coach is overblown for several reasons, the first being that the poll in which he votes is not the AP poll, which at least has historic legitimacy, but the Football Writers Association of America-National Football Federation Grantland Rice Super 16 poll, which is about as official as the preseason rankings that the Czar posts in his preseason issue.
In addition, the presumption is that there can be no valid reason why Holtz would have downgraded OSU, other than his feud with Coach Brutus. Articles critical of Holtz, such as those at Fox Sports, On3 and Awful Announcing, say that he bumped the lumpy nuts "despite" the fact that they were coming off an idle week, when it is only reasonable that a team that has just won a game would gain ground on one that hasn't. The Czar doesn't keep weekly rankings, but if he did, he'd probably still have OSU in the Top Five, but he cannot offer an airtight argument why they must remain ahead of Oregon, Washington, Florida State, Penn State and Oklahoma, the teams that Holtz promoted ahead of them. The fact that they were ranked higher two weeks ago, before winning a game thanks to inept coaching from the opposition, and then being idle a week later, is hardly a persuasive point.
So, in response to the question of whether Holtz let a personal grudge alter his poll entry, the Czar's answer is not necessarily, but so what if he did? In both the pros and college, coaches and players have gotten far too sensitive to every little bit of commentary they interpret as disrespectful. When did they stop being tough guys and turn into such fragile, mental basket cases? They ought to be trying to project quiet, dignified strength, not reaching out to cuddle an emotional support bunny at the sound of every mildly unflattering word they hear on a podcast somewhere.
A promising week for the College Football Czar came crumbling down at the end of the prime time games, when Duke, LSU and TCU all faltered, almost simultaneously. The resulting 11-8 record for the Czar drops his season mark to 63-41, for a .606 winning percentage.
Oct.
6
Nebraska at Illinois
The scheduling of this game was
briefly placed in doubt by a fire at Memorial Stadium in Champaign. It turned out to be a riding mower that went
up in flames for some unspecified reason, and was swiftly extinguished. But wait a minute, the stadium has had
artificial turf since 1975. Did the
mower feel jilted, and decide to end it all?
And if so, why such a remarkably slow reaction time? As usual, reporters don't seem to eager to
ask any relevant questions.
The stars must not have been in
Illin-ment last week. At least that
would be some explanation for how a seemingly even game ended up with the
Fighting Illini losing to Purdue by the lopsided score of 44-19. Well, that and the fact that each team had 13
third-down conversion attempts, and the Boilermakers succeeded on eight of
those, to only two for the U of I. The
defeat drops them into a tie with the Braskymen for last place in the woeful
Big Ten West, at 0-2 in the conference and 2-3 overall.
Former Georgia Tech Yellowjacket
quarterback Jeff Sims was stung by the injury bug back in an ugly Week 2 loss
to Colorado. The N-men are 2-1 with
sophomore Heinrich Haarberg behind center, although each of those three results
is largely attributable to the competition (Northern Illinois, Louisiana Tech
and Michigan). His completion percentage
has been poor to this point, but he has four touchdowns to one interception,
which is the exact opposite of what Sims had done during the Cornhuskers' 0-2
start. In addition, he leads the team in
rushing with 270 yards, and a per-carry average just slightly better than Sims
has. With the experience beginning to
show on the alliterative young QB, and the Huskers having a weak October
schedule, it just might be Haarberg who has the last laugh.
Haar-de-haar-haar!
Nebraska 24, Illinois 17
Oct.
7
Oklahoma vs. Texas
Had Gabriel blown his horn at last
year's Red River Rivalry game, he would have played Taps. With QB Dillon Gabriel injured, the Sooners
had no passing attack, and often resorted to running the wildcat in a 49-0
nightmare. Not only is the former UCF
slinger back in action for this rematch, but he's leading the Big XII in both
passing yards and touchdowns.
Unlike most teams, the Longhorns did
not lighten their schedule with a phony game against a lower-division
opponent. Even the weak nonconference
opponents they've beaten during their 5-0 start, Rice and Wyoming, are pretty
good. Steve Sarkisian's club has played
with remarkable consistency so far, scoring between 31 and 40 points in every
game, and holding everyone but Alabama to 14 points or fewer.
OU's average of 47.4 points per game
is more than a little deceptive, in that they've piled up the points on weak
competition, and yes, this year that includes Iowa State. In their two most serious games to date, they
defeated SMU and Cincinnati by far more mundane scores of 28-11 and 20-6,
respectively.
The Czar is pleased that this
traditional neutral-site game continues to be played in the venerable Cotton
Bowl in Dallas, and not in Arlington, at Jerry Jones' House of Inadequacy. The Cotton Bowl game moved indoors to
Arlington back in 2009. After 72 years
of being played in its obviously correct location, it was determined that
winters just get too doggone cold in Dallas to play football outdoors. As that famous Texan, John Hillerman would
say, "ex-trohhr-dnerry!" Then, he
would pick up his cricket bat and thrash the blaggards responsible.
Texas 31, Oklahoma 20
Maryland at Ohio State
It's a shell game between the Terrapins
and the Buckeyes, to see which one remains undefeated and in the running for
the Big Ten East title. The Terps (5-0,
2-0) have trampled everything in their path, but so far that has only amounted
to Indiana, Michigan State, Virginia, Charlotte and Division I-AA Towson.
The lumpy nuts have been idle since
their last-second win over a discombobulated Notre Dame team in Week 4, when
the Fighting Irish fielded only ten players for the last two plays of an
unsuccessful goal line stand. That
additional preparation ought to help them slow down opposing QB Tualia
Tagovailoa, who toe-tagged Indiana last week, 44-17. OSU has already faced another of the nation's
most prolific passers in Andre Reed of Western Kentucky, but they read Reed
like a book. Or maybe that's not the
most appropriate metaphor, considering the student athletes involved, but you
get the point.
How about, "they read Reed like an X
post"? That's more like it. Books went out with compact discs, desktop
computers, pizza sauce and money.
Ohio State 42, Maryland 25
Kentucky at Georgia
If you watched much football last
Saturday, you probably heard the name Ray Davis a lot, as the Wildcat running
back rushed for 280 yards and three scores against Florida, while adding a
nine-yard TD reception. Seriously,
though, Fay Wray could have run through some of those holes that the UK
offensive line was blowing through the Gator defensive front.
The Bulldogs' persistence was almost
matched by that of their opponents in a 27-20 win over Auburn. Kirby Smart's club found itself tied with AU
10-10 at halftime, 17-17 after three, and 20-20 until there were about six
minutes to play, before, finally, QB Carson Beck connected with tight end Brock
Bowers on a 40-yard score. Bowers leads
all the TEs in the nation with 413 yards on 30 receptions. That puts him on pace to break the 1,000-yard
mark, after falling just 58 yards short of it during last year's championship
run.
In his preseason issue, the College
Football Czar opined that the Cats were getting an upgrade at quarterback, with
ex-Nc Stater Devin Leary being an improvement over current Tennessee Titan Will
Levis. It sure seemed that way at the
time, but it turns out Leary isn't faring much better in Lexington than his
replacement, Brennan Armstrong, is back in Raleigh. It's almost as if leaving a school where you've
had a great deal of success is not necessarily a brilliant idea.
Oh, you don't believe a woman could
score four touchdowns against Florida?
You are obviously "misogenic," as Dave Portnoy would try to say.
Georgia 22, Kentucky 13
Notre Dame at Louisville
The luck of the Irish was at work
last week in Durham, when the Duke coaches suddenly became remarkably stupid at
the golden domers' convenience. Trailing
14-13, the Fighting Irish faced a fourth-and-16 just past midfield, when the
Blue Devils decided to rush only three.
If there's any ingenious play that blows as many games as the squib
kick, it's rushing three men on long yardage situations. Okay, so you have eight men in pass coverage,
but you also give the quarterback plenty of time for someone to come open. In this case, the Devil pass defenders
maintained their coverage nicely, but it still didn't work, because ND
quarterback Sam Hartman scrambled. Once
he rolled away from the initial rush, there was nobody spying him to prevent
him from picking up the first down.
Coaches can surely point to
situations in which this approach has worked, but it sure seems to backfire
more often than not. Take last Friday's
BYU-Cincinnati game, in which the Bearcats had held Kedon Slovis to one
completion for two yards until the last 36 seconds of the half. They dropped eight men into coverage, and
before long he found a man open in midfield.
That easy escape led to two more long completions, and all of a sudden
Cincy trailed at the end of a half of football they had dominated. It's not as if nobody could see this
coming. In fact, if the College Football
Czar were capable of creating a sculpture of a defense rushing only three, he
would make that the official trophy for the Lardhead of the Year Award.
How did the Cardinals come by such a
crummy ACC schedule? No Florida State,
no North Carolina, no Clemson. That's
out of their control, though. All they
can do is continue to beat the teams they have in front of them. So far, that hasn't been so easy. Their 5-0 start has included wins over
Georgia Tech, Indiana and Nc State by a total of only 15 points.
Didn't know the Czar was a sculptor,
did you? In high school woodshop, he
once made a very handsome pair of aardvark head bookends. Actually, they were supposed to be horses,
but when they were not recognized as such, he just went with it. Improvisation is very artistic, you know.
Notre Dame 29, Louisville 20
Alabama at Texas A&M
The Crimson Tide's quarterback
questions have been the subject of a lot of talk, but at A&M, the decision
has been taken out of Jimbo Fisher's hands by a knee injury to starter Conner
Weigman. 6-6 sophomore Max Johnson has
been up to the task, tossing two TDs each in victories over divisional
opponents Auburn and Arkansas.
Meanwhile, Bama QB Jalen Milroe
silenced the skeptics with a throwback performance in a Week 4 win over a
highly ranked Ole Miss team. Twice,
Milroe did his best Terry Bradshaw impression, stepping into the oncoming rush
in order to complete the deep ball, knowing perfectly well the punishment he
was about to take. He didn't need those
kinds of heroics a week later against Mississippi State, when his team went plus-3
in turnovers on the way to an easy 40-17 victory.
The Conjunction Boys spelled the and
for Arkansas last week, when they squelched the squealers' offense for only 174
total yards in a 34-22 neutral-site victory in Arlington. The College Football Czar would tell you more
about it, but because it was a noon game in a dome, it never occurred to him to
tune in to it. The Aggies are on top of
the SEC in total defense, while the pachyderms are plodding along at number
five.
Nick Saban had gone 24-0 against his
former assistants until Jimbo Fisher bested him in 2021. Now, after being stopped by Steve Sarkisian
and Texas in Week 2, Saban's record in this regard is 28-3. At what point do analysts realize that this
statistic is immaterial and an elephant?
Texas A&M 13, Alabama 10
Syracuse at North Carolina
Two ACC teams that slumped terribly
in the second half of 2022 try to prevent a repeat by keeping their early
momentum going. The Orange have already
had their four-game winning streak snapped by Clemson, 31-14, whereas the Tar
Heels took a breather in Week 5 with a record of 4-0.
As long as the Heels are unbeaten,
they won't be sending out any Maye Day signals, but they have good reason to be
a little concerned. By this point last
season, UNC slinger Drake Maye had 16 touchdown passes to one
interception. This year, he has only
thrown for five scores, and been picked off four times.
Before you Cuse them, take a look at
yourself. Actually, the Czar isn't sures
what difference that's supposed to make.
It's not as if you blew six games out of seven to finish the 2022
season. You know SU mascot Otto,
though. Always pointing fingers.
North Carolina 39, Syracuse 21
Washington State at UCLA
In this, the final season for the
Pac 12 as we know it, the teams in the top half of the league are all fighting
for a place in the college football penthouse.
If this storied Bruin program doesn't beat one of them very soon, it
will find itself clanking around in the basement with the Stanfords and Arizona
States.
The 4-0 Cougars hope they haven't
cooled off during their idle week, after burning the previously unbeaten
Beavers of Oregon State, 38-35.
Quarterback Cam Ward fired four TD passes while rolling up 404 yards. That was in Pullman, where Wazzu has a
pronounced home field advantage, but they have also won their last three true
road games, including this year's opener, 50-24 at Colorado State.
Perhaps Chip Kelly's visor should
have 'vised him not to rely so much on analytics. In a 14-7 loss at Utah, his blue bears went
for it on fourth down four times, and succeeded only once. It seems the pointyheads forgot to factor in
the little detail that if you're only going to gain nine rushing yards all day,
you're better off punting.
The College Football Czar never has
gotten to the bottom of the question of why every coach who thinks he's a
genius wears a visor instead of a whole hat.
He's just glad this same rule is not allowed to apply to baseball, or
Tony LaRussa would have been completely intolerable.
Washington State 35, UCLA 27
Texas Tech at Baylor
What the Waco kids pulled off last
week was even more impressive than the time they shot all the bad guys' guns
out of their hands without even unfolding their arms. Trailing Central Florida 35-7 late in the
third quarter, they kicked a field goal to trim the deficit to 25 going into
the fourth. Two TDs and two successful
two-pointers later, they scored on a 72-yard fumble return by cornerback Caden
Jenkins to pull within two. Another
field goal, followed by a missed UCF kick, and the Bears finished off a
comeback worthy of the 36-35 final, which of course was the same score of the
game in The Longest Yard. In
other words, they made "his-toh-ree."
The Red Raiders produced a somewhat
unlikely outcome of their own, a week after losing starting quarterback Tyler
Shough to a broken leg. Tech took two
TDs on special teams, but still produced five more behind sophomore QB Behren
Morton, who steadied himself for a far more accurate performance than the one
he had given in a loss at West Virginia.
Slick running back Cam'Ron Valdez gained 111 yards on only six carries,
including a 41-yard dash to top off the scoring total, while the defense
blanked Houston through the second half of a 49-28 trouncing.
Just think what a great recruiting
tool it must be to invite players to come to the school that's located on the
Brazos. A lot of kids probably jump at
the chance before bothering to find out that it's not a brand of tortilla
chips.
Baylor 42, Texas Tech 38
Rutgers at Wisconsin
The 4-1 Scarlet Knights are closing
in on their first winning season in a decade, but they'd better build on that
record before November, when they finish the regular season against Ohio State,
Iowa, Penn State and Maryland.
The Badgers will have to cancel
their reservation at Chez Mellusi, because the team's leading rusher suffered a
fractured tibia during a Week 4 win over Purdue. Junior Braelon Allen, who hails from Fon Du
Lac, WI, stepped up to be the big cheese with 116 yards and two TDs on 16
carries. Something just seems fitting
about the new lead cheesehead being from a town called Fondue. But what does the Lac stand for, lactose?
Meanwhile, Three-Finger Mordecai
didn't need to have a full hand in order to outplay Hudson Card and the
Boilermakers. The former SMU slinger did
not have a big day throwing the ball, but his two early rushing TDs gave the
Madison Reds the lead for good, in a 38-17 runaway.
Q: When the cheeseheads are melted
in the fondue pot, where do the holes go?
A: Well, they're never seen again,
so probably Eau Claire.
Wisconsin 17, Rutgers 10
Oregon State at California
The Beavers bounced back from a loss
at Washington State by putting a 21-7 bruising on Utah that was not as
competitive as the final score would suggest.
OSU squelched the Ute offense for 1.8 yards per rushing attempt, and 4.5
yards per pass.
Justin Wilcox's desperation attempt
at an offensive upgrade has not been unsuccessful, even though it hasn't relied
on the passing game as much as advertised.
In last week's 24-21 win over Arizona State, tailback Jaydn Ott scooted
for 165 yards, and that's not even his season high. Ott opened the campaign with 188 in a blowout
of North Texas, and is averaging 118 per game.
As the Beavs' defensive opposition
has improved, quarterback D.J. Uiagalelei has done the opposite. Over the past three games, the former Paw Boy
passer has completed just barely half of his attempts, with more interceptions
than touchdowns. He may have a chance at
a breakout game, however, against a Golden Bear defense that allowed 362
passing yards last week against ASU, and 389 the game before against
Washington.
Next to the Bears, the Beavers'
toughest opponent this week will be jet lag, what with their traveling all the
way to the Atlantic Coast for this game at California.
Oregon State 30, California 20
LSU at Missouri
Mizzou is 1-0 against other Tigerses
this season, with a 34-27 victory over Memphis in a neutral-site game in St.
Louis. And if you find that significant,
then congratulations, you are a lardhead.
MU is 5-0, thanks in part to a school-record 61-yard field goal by
Harrison Mevis, to pull off a 30-27 upset of defending Big XII champion Kansas
State in Week 3.
Looziana State played way too looze
on defense a week ago, when it yielded 706 total yards in a 55-49 loss to Ole
Miss. Brian Kelly's club needs a win this week to stay within a game of the
winner of the A&M-Alabama game in the SEC West.
These teams have only met twice
since Missouri joined the SEC in 2012, with each having won at home. Now that the conference is expanding again,
they can expect to meet every time the orbits of Neptune and Pluto cross paths.
The College Football Czar has never
accepted the official conclusion that Pluto is not a planet, for which no
factual support has ever been given. In
protest, every time some posterior pickle refers to "The Planet," the Czar
reacts as if he assumes the person meant Pluto.
He doesn't expect to gain anything from this, except that it amuses him
when people don't understand what they're so mad about.
LSU 55, Missouri 42
Texas State at La.-Lafayette
The 3-2 Ragin Cajuns wore down in
the second half of a 35-24 setback at Minnesota, after having led at
halftime. This should have come as no
surprise, because it's not easy to maintain a rage for three and a half
hours. Eventually, they're bound to
mellow out and start looking at cheerleaders, or interesting cloud formations,
or something.
ULL quarterback Zeon Chriss crossed
himself up with two second-half interceptions, in what was otherwise an
encouraging performance for the freshman.
In addition to his 172 passing yards and two TDs, he picked up 74 yards
on ten carries to lead the team in rushing.
Former Tulsa quarterback G.J. Kinne,
who coached Division I-AA Incarnate Word to a 12-2 record last season, has
fulfilled his promise to open up the TSU offense, as Baylor discovered in a
42-31 Week 1 shocker. His Bobcats are
now 4-1, having taken the very early lead in the Sun Belt West, after outscoring
Southern Miss 50-36.
When the College Football Czar first
heard of Incarnate Word, he misunderstood, thinking the school was called Art
Carney Word. He was guessing that the
word was Va-va-va-vooom!, and that this must be the team nickname. They could have had really groovy
uniforms. Think Vancouver Canucks, circa
1982.
Texas State 40, La.-Lafayette 33
Marshall at Nc State
NCSU's confidence in prolific former
Virginia QB Brennan Armstrong did not seem to be a stretch, but the career
10,000-yard passer has now been benched.
In last Friday's 13-10 loss to Louisville, the Cavalier cadaver
completed just 13 of 25 for 112 yards, with two interceptions. The new starter will be M.J. Morris, who put
up impressive numbers in very limited action a year ago.
The moo-men outscored Old Dominion
41-35 to improve to 4-0. The obligatory
Cam at quarterback (last name Fancher, in this case) threw for 278 yards and
rushed for 102 more. The Thundering Herd
have not faced the best opposition, however, nor have they been winning very
convincingly. In addition to their
six-point win over ODU, they averted an embarrassing upset by beating Division
I-AA Albany 21-17, trailed East Carolina 13-10 after three before rallying for
three late TDs, and held off Virginia Tech 24-17.
The Wolfpack have an excellent run
defense, allowing only 95.6 yards per game against pretty good
competition. They leave opponents so few
holes to run through, there's not even one between "wolf" and "pack."
Nc State 22, Marshall 14
Arizona at USC
The Trojans lead the nation in
scoring with 53.6 points per game, but against their first two conference
opponents, they've needed to put up big numbers just to stay ahead. In Week 4, they allowed an underachieving Arizona
State team to pull within a touchdown midway through the fourth quarter, before
finally putting the game away 42-28. A
week later at Colorado, it looked as if SC might fulfill the Czar's prediction
of a 55-34 final, but they failed to finish their drives in the fourth quarter,
and wound up winning by a deceptive final score of 48-41.
At 3-2, the Wildcats have lost to
Mississippi State and Washington by identical 31-24 scores. That sounds like an encouraging result
against UW, but they really never made it that close until the very end, having
spotted the Huskies a 14-0 advantage, and trailed 28-10 late in the third
quarter.
Southern Cal QB Caleb Williams
calubbed Coach Prime's defense over the head with season highs of 403 yards and
six touchdown passes. He also set a
season high in interceptions, with one.
Williams is only sixth in the nation in passing yards, but he's the
runaway leader in touchdowns, with 21, to 16 each for Washington's Michael
Penixjr and LSU's Jayden Daniels.
Cam is not short for Caleb, is
it? Just checking.
USC 45, Arizona 29
Fresno State at Wyoming
Each of these Mountain West
contenders came up with a below average effort a week ago. The Pokes performed poorly in a 35-26 win
over New Mexico, while the Bulldogs dozed through a 27-9 nap against Nevada.
FSU is statistically #14 in the
nation in defense, but over the past three games they're far better than
that. In victories over Arizona State,
Kent State and Nevada, they have outscored the opposition 109-19. After this week, the only formidable offensive
opponent remaining on their schedule is UNLV.
The Cowboys are 4-0 at home this
season, and that is not attributable to convenient scheduling. In their opener, they rallied past Texas
Tech, 35-33 in double overtime. Three weeks
later, they scored two late TDs to repel an attack from Appalachian State,
22-19.
Is it possible to doze through a
nap, or is that redundant? The question
calls to mind those words of wisdom from Doug MacKenzie at the end of Strange
Brew: "I was drinking during the beer."
Fresno State 16, Wyoming 13
Boston College at Army
Things looked bleak for the Eagles
early on, but with a weak second-half schedule, they may have saved their
season with a 27-24 win over Virginia to improve to 2-3. From here, BC has winnable nonconference
games against the Black Knights and the Uconn Huskies, along with ACC games
against Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech, and Pitt.
Sophomore scrambler Thomas
Castellanos is listed at 5-10, 195, but even those modest measurements are
obviously being slightly exaggerated, not that it really matters at Flutie
U. What's important is that he has a
good TD-to-INT differential (10-4), and he leads the team with 358 rushing
yards, gaining 5.3 per carry.
About five years ago, the United
States Military Academy rebranded itself Army West Point. By those same rules of nomenclature, their
opponent this week is Boston College Chestnut Hill. Next week they play Troy Troy. The College Football Czar suspects this is an
attempt to flush out the fifth column infiltrators among us. As soon as some other school identifies
itself as something like, "Stanford Beijing: Um, Scratch That Last Part," then
we've got 'em!
Boston College 31, Army 17
South Florida at UAB
The USF offense has sprung to life
in recent weeks, as they have taken their first two AAC games from Rice (42-29)
and Navy (44-30). Between those two
contests, freshman Byrum Brown has bombed his opponents for a total of 773
yards and five touchdowns.
At 1-4, the Blazers don't have a lot
of hope left for this season, but they may have found a new feature back in
Isaiah Jacobs. In a hard-fought 35-23
loss to Tulane, the sophomore set career highs with 95 rushing yards and two
TDs.
First-year Alabama-Birmingham head
coach Trent Dilfer has apologized for the tirade he through over an illegal
participation penalty in that game against the Green Wave. In particular, he said he did not intend to
single out a particular assistant coach he berated in a lengthy harangue. Another example of the creeping societal
wussery, no doubt. Ten years ago, a head
coach chewing out an assistant on the sideline would not have rated a mention.
Like the Nebraska-Illinois game, there's
a chance this one might not be played as scheduled. That's because the Bulls have got to travel
all the way from Tampa to Birmingham, while fighting the traffic from all those
gajillions of rabid Ray fans heading the other way.
South Florida 33, UAB 28
a sports publication from The
Shinbone