The College Football Czar

Week 6

Week five in review: The College Football Czar picked an inordinate number of road teams last week, but Oregon and Alabama were not among them. In the most significant shakeup in the rankings so far this year, four of the top eight teams were defeated by lower-ranked or unranked opponents, while none of teams 9-20 were toppled. The Czar did not foresee the downfall of #3 Penn State, #4 LSU and #5 Georgia, but he did predict Virginia's upset of #8 Florida State on Friday night.

It had been predicted here and elsewhere that when Arkansas head coach Sam Pittman hired scandal-ridden former coach Bobby Petrino to be his offensive coordinator, that he was as much as signing his own resignation, by making it easy for the school to elevate Petrino back to the top position without courting as much controversy as if they were reintroducing him to the program. Since last Saturday's 56-13 slopping against Notre Dame, the Hogs have made their move, giving Petrino the head job on an interim basis. Pittman leaves behind a losing overall record of 32-34, while going only 14-29 in SEC play.

A couple favorable late results spared the Czar a bit of embarrassment, salvaging a mediocre record of 11-8 for the week. His season record stands at 58-41, for a .586 winning percentage.

Oct. 3

West Virginia at Brigham Young

The Mountaineers' 2-3 record might not look so bad, but one of those wins was against a lightly-regarded, insignificant football program from a school that was originally located in downtown Pittsburgh. The other was against Robert Morris. In their other three games, they have gotten bumped off by MAC opponent Ohio, and buried in their first two Big XII games, against Kansas (41-10) and Utah (48-14).

BYU staved off a challenge from Colorado in a rematch of last year's Alamo Bowl. The Cougars spotted CU an early 14-0 lead, but QB Bear Bachmeier brought them back by rushing for 98 yards in addition to his 176 yards passing. Linebacker Isaiah Glasker picked off an errant pass with 50 seconds left to put the game away.

Five games in, and WVU appears no closer to settling on a starting quarterback than it did before the season kicked off. Nicco Marchiol sat out last week's game with an injured foot, and is expected to seek a medical redshirt. Jaylen Henderson got the start against the Utes, but failed to put any points on the board before yielding to Khalil Wilkins, himself a yoot, as a freshman who had not thrown any passes until last Saturday.

West Virginians think the people of Provo are sick, because some of them are polyamorous, whereas they aren't amorous for Polly unless she's a close relative.

Brigham Young 33, West Virginia 17

New Mexico a San Jose State

In the Battle of I-25, the Lobos trailed rival New and Improved Mexico State 17-7, until they got into the passing Layne late in the second quarter. Junior QB Jack Layne, a transfer from Division I-AA Idaho, threw for 303 yards and four touchdowns as NMU pulled away to win, 38-20. At 3-1, their only defeat so far has been in their opener, a scrappier-than-expected 34-17 setback at Michigan.

The 1-3 Spartans were expected to contend in the Mountain West this year, and they still very well may, this being their conference opener. They let their final nonconference game get away from them on a short road trip to Stanford, where they kicked a field goal with under eight minutes to play to take a 29-21 lead. The Cardinal came back with three points of their own almost immediately, and then mounted a long, late touchdown drive, scoring with 19 seconds left to stop SJSU, 30-29.

On the Spartan jerseys, they put an accent mark in "San Jose," which doesn't belong there because it's the name of an American city, and we're reading it in English. The Lobos could do the same thing, because in Spanish, there is also an accent mark above the "e" in "Mexico," to indicate that the accent should go on the first syllable. The College Football Czar says if the Mexicans can't pronounce "Mexico" by now, that's their problem. We don't need no stinking accent marks.

New Mexico 35. San Jose State 24

Oct. 4

Boston College at Pitt

Last year's 34-23 regular season-ending loss at Chestnut Hill has whittled the Panther lead in the head-to-head series to 18-16. With starting tailback Desmond Reid injured, they only gained 23 rushing yards that day. Stop the Czar if you've heard this one before.

The Panthers pounced on an unsuspecting Louisville team to take a 17-0 lead by the end of the first quarter. From that point on, they were done in by special teams miscues, the absence of an effective ground game, and yet another goal-line interception thrown by Eli Holstein. Things got so bad that coach Pat Narduzzi benched his sophomore QB midway through the fourth quarter, in favor of senior Cole Gonzales, who followed offensive coordinator Kade Bell into town from Western Carolina. Gonzales tossed his team's third INT to let the Cardinals run out the clock on a bizarre 34-27 bungle.

BC has accomplished something that might never be done in the ACC again, in that it has lost its first two conference games to teams from the Bay Area. The Eagles landed with a thud in the second half of a 30-20 loss at Stanford, and then came home to be stunned by Cal 28-24, on a late, 51-yard touchdown. Too bad the Bay City Rollers are not from there, or Bill O'Brien's team might be able to get off the schneid.

Panther coach Pat Narduzzi once nicknamed Pittsburgh "Boo City," and now we can see why. Thanks to him, Acrisure Stadium has become a ghost town.

Pitt 21, Boston College 19

Penn State at UCLA

Not since the derisively nicknamed Big Game Bob Stoops stood on the sideline at Oklahoma has as highly successful a head coach as James Franklin been so notorious for not coming through when it matters the most. Senior slinger Drew Allar rallied the Nittany Lions back to tie the game against Oregon, but just when it seemed as if he could do no wrong, he did. Needing a touchdown in the second overtime, he put up an underthrown flare pass that was picked off, to end an exhausting 30-24 defeat. Nobody is going to have a great record against opponents ranked #6 or higher, but Franklin's 2-21 mark is testing the patience of the spoiled fans in State College. Lucky for him, they are not armed with anything more substantial than pom-poms.

Interim coach Tim Skipper tried to guide his Bruins back from a 17-0 second-quarter deficit at Northwestern, but their slow-motion rally stalled out at 17-14, with two ineffective possessions to finish the game. In spite of having landed a coveted QB transfer, the blue bears are now 0-4, while ranking last in the Big Ten in both points (14.3) and yardage (321.3) per game.

Lion linebacker Tony Rojas sustained an undisclosed injury in practice early this week, and will be out of the lineup indefinitely. Rojas played most of the 2024 season with a left shoulder injury, for which he has since had surgery.

Franklin likes to say every game is the Super Bowl, which of course makes them all equal. Perhaps if he would learn to distinguish between Oregon and Florida International, he wouldn't be subjecting himself to the questions he's facing right now.

Time to start printing those "Penn State 4-Time 2025 Super Bowl Champs" tee-shirts.

Penn State 44, UCLA 10

Miami at Florida State

FSU's failures in this series are legendary, but their all-time record against The U is a respectable 33-36. They had won three in a row until last year's 36-14 mismatch, after which the Hurricanes remained in national contention at 8-0, while the Noles were wallowing at 1-7, and already bowl-ineligible.

About the Seminoles' 46-38 double-overtime loss to Virginia, quarterback Tommy Castellanos said, "I think we needed it. I think guys were riding high, kind of smelling ourselves, feeling good." That's a far cry from the supremely confident QB who was widely praised for boasting before the opener against Alabama that, " just don't see them stopping me." Now he and his team needed to be knocked from their perch? That's one weak rationalization. Who wants a starting signal-caller who thinks losing a football game could possibly be a good thing? And for the record, the College Football Czar does not want to meet anybody who feels good about smelling himself.

The Hurricanes hit the road for the first time of the season, before returning to Miami Gardens for the next two games. They don't have to leave the Sunshine State until the first of November, at SMU. Going back to last year, however, they have lost their last three games as the official visiting team, at Georgia Tech, at Syracuse, and to Iowa State in the Pop Tarts Bowl.

"Miami Gardens" is not a street name for cannabis, but it doesn't need to be, because nobody bothers to disguise it anymore. Not that it would help, because some of that stuff puts out a more powerful stench than the Seminole selves.

Miami 35, Florida State 20

Vanderbilt at Alabama

A year ago, the Crimson Tide cruised into Nashville following a big win over Georgia, only to be shocked by the Commodores, 40-35. Once again, they have beaten the Bulldogs in a big game, but this time they can't be taken by surprise. This ranked Vandy team is 5-0, which is a bit deceiving given their schedule so far, but it's enough to keep the Tide on its toes. Or undertows, as the case may be.

On the subject of turning the Tide, that's something that has not happened yet this season. The pachyderms are a plus-7 in turnovers for the first four games, having not given the ball up once. While Ty Simpson and his backups have not been picked off a single time, they have thrown a total of 15 touchdown passes.

Starting quarterback Diego Pavia will continue to play for VU, after an appellate court dismissed the NCAA's appeal of a case he won against it during the offseason. Basically, what it means is that junior college experience cannot count against Division I football eligibility, so that a player may have a total of six years' eligibility: two at the JUCO level and four at D-I. There are many reasons to dislike this decision, one of them being that it reinforces the apparent long-term goal of morphing college football into a minor league, with players in their mid-20s becoming the norm.

Is junior college where all the players come from who have "JR" on their jerseys? If so, do they need to do any particular thing to earn the JR? Or is it that every time a bell rings, a college football player gets his JR?

Alabama 41, Vanderbilt 28

Boise State at Notre Dame

The team formerly know as the Ramblers trekked across 643 yards of territory in Fayetteville, Arkansas last week, in a 56-13 romp. Freshman quarterback C.J. Carr had his best performance to date, with 354 passing yards, four TDs and no interceptions.

The Broncos have won three in a row since getting busted up in their season opener at South Florida. In last week's 47-14 flogging of Appalachian State, quarterback Maddux Madsen threw for a career-high 321 yards, matching Carr's totals of four scores and no INTs.

Since the leprechaun logo is no longer a "fighting" Irishman, the College Football Czar assumes that nobody is in a good enough humor these days for the Irish to play a team from Idaho for some kind of a golden potato. They surely would have done something like that, back when football was more fun. These days, the Idahoan Anti-Defamation Council would probably jump all over them.

When the visiting fans from Boise show up, they're probably going to think the only reason the playing surface is green is because the home team is called the Irish.

Notre Dame 30, Boise State 13

Minnesota at Ohio State

The radiant rodents beat the Buckeyes about as often as political "humorist" and University of Minnesota alumnus Garrison Keillor says something funny. The last time was in the year 2000. Before that, you have to go back to 1981. Before that, 1966.

Through four games, the lumpy nuts have held every opponent to single digits, for an average of 5.5 points allowed per game. Last week, in a methodical 24-6 win at Washington, defensive end Caden Curry recorded three sacks, among his team-leading eleven tackles. Every team makes a lot of tackles, of course, but it's far better to have a DE lead your team in that category than a defensive back.

The Golden Gophers gained only 38 yards on the ground in a conference-opening battle of weak motivational catch phrases, in which they nevertheless prevailed over Rutgers by a final score of "Row the Boat" 31, "Choppin' Wood" 28. Perhaps P.J. Fleck's team would be more successful if, instead of trying to row a boat, it did things more characteristic of gophers, like "Dig the Burrows," or "Gnaw the Radishes." It's not easy to be motivated by mixed metaphors.

Gopher coach P.J. Fleck is secretly jealous of the O-goal posts-triangle-O cheer that is so popular in Columbus. He would use it for one of his infamous corny acronyms, if only he could think of a word that began with "goal posts."

Ohio State 27, Minnesota 7

Mississippi State at Texas A&M

Even though the Bulldogs took a loss last week (41-34 to Tennessee), they are looking like the strongest team from Starkville since they went to the Orange Bowl back in the Dak era. Burly running back Fluff Bothwell has not been feeling warm and fuzzy, as he has stomped opponents for 405 yards so far this season, for an average of 5.8 per carry.

Meanwhile, the 4-0 Conjunction Boys have scored big back-to-back wins over Notre Dame and Auburn. In that 16-10 victory over AU, the Aggie defense held the Tigers to 177 total yards, and an amazing 0-for-13 mark on third and fourth-down conversions.

In case you were wondering (and how could you not have been), Bothwell's nickname is one that he has had almost since birth. Shortly after the puffed-up, eleven-pound baby was born, his mother began referring to him as "fluffy," and incredibly, the name stuck. We can be sure this story is true, because he could not have possibly tolerated having a handle like that hung on him by anyone else.

Have you ever heard such an unmanly name for a football player? "Aggie." How will they ever live that down?

Texas A&M 28, Mississippi State 23

Clemson at North Carolina

Perhaps they should have made this the season opener, while it would have still been interesting. Even in their only win of the season, the Tigers spotted Troy a 16-0 lead before mounting a comeback. They have taken on a tough schedule, however, their three losses coming against LSU, Georgia Tech and Syracuse.

The Tar Heels have only held steady at 2-2 by kicking around tomato cans Charlotte and Division I-AA Richmond. In the two games that were supposed to be competitive, they've been embarrassed by Big XII foes TCU and Central Florida. Their anemic offense managed only 222 yards against the Horned Frogs, and was unable to surpass that mark against the Knights, settling for only 217.

Unbeknownst to most college football fans, this meeting has the making of a heartwarming reunion. Judging from Bill Belichick's appearance, it very well might be that he is Clem.

Clemson 22, North Carolina 10

Texas Tech at Houston

These former Southwest Conference rivals, reunited in the Big XII, have identical records of 1-0 in conference play and 4-0 overall. That, and the 18-16-1 lead for the Cougars in the all-time series, would lead one to expect a very competitive game. But it is Tech that has won 11 of the last 12 head-to-head meetings, and has a 34-10 victory against a ranked Utah team that dwarfs anything that UH has accomplished so far.

Red Raider quarterback Behren Morton was injured during that big win over the Utes, but head coach Joey McGuire says he could have played last Saturday if the team had not been idle. Morton had previously pelted the Oregon State Beavers for 464 yards and four scores in a 45-14 rout, whereas the Cougs just barely came back to beat that same OSU team last Friday, 27-24 in overtime.

TDECU Stadium has got to be the only venue in college football that roots for some other team. Why would the Cougars' home field cheer an East Carolina touchdown? And where do they play their basketball games, at Hooray for Louisiana-Monroe Fieldhouse?

Texas Tech 55, Houston 41

Army at UAB

A month ago, Cadet safety Larry Pickettjr and his father (Larry Pickettjr the First?) saved a man's life by pulling him from a burning car. Yet the Black Knights have not shown many on-field heroics so far this season. Where are their priorities?

Blazer coach Trent Dilfer is in enough trouble already, without making a completely wimpy decision about Sirad Bryant. The foot-stomping safety, who somehow seemed to think his team could beat Tennessee if only he disabled its kicker, is suspended for this game, and no more. Rhetorically turning the offender into the victim of his own behavior, the coach vowed, "We will support him, lock arms with him, and love him through this." Good grief! Why don't you just dedicate an awareness week?

These teams have met five times before, in consecutive years, during Army's ill-fated membership in Conference USA. Alabama-Birmingham won all five of those, from 2000-04. Those Blazer teams were better than this one, though. Two of them arguably should have gone to bowl games, but not every team with a winning record was invited back then.

And if you believe that, next week the College Football Czar will tell you how in the old days, we used to have to lick stamps.

UAB 25, Army 21

Kansas State at Baylor

The Wildcats' Week 4 loss to Arizona was not a conference game, but part of a prescheduled home-and-home from before the U of A joined the Big XII. That being the case, K-State's following victory over don't-call-us-Central Florida has evened their league record at 1-1. With a win over the Waco kids, they could soon find themselves in the thick of the chase for the conference title.

Caden Knighten had himself a day for the Bears in a 45-27 win at Oklahoma State. The freshman track athlete dashed for 81 yards on only five carries, and added one reception for 39 yards. Leading rusher Bryson Washington tore off 77 yards on ten carries, but did not play the fourth quarter. Mind you, when stats like those are compiled against as pathetic a program as the one in Stillwater has become, they should each carry a great big asterisk. You know, kind of like the Kardashians.

That's the closest thing to a current pop culture reference the College Football Czar can muster, and the only reason those people aren't ancient history also is that they refuse to go away.

Kansas State 34, Baylor 31

Virginia at Louisville

The Cardinals came back to beat Pitt 34-27, because of a spotless defensive second half, and a plus-4 turnover margin. Their inability to run the ball, however, is bound to cost them eventually. As a team, they rushed for only 54 yards against the Panthers on 33 carries.

Nick Saban must have decided to step in and save the Cavaliers, because they beat Tommy Castellanos and Florida State last Friday. What do you suppose he did that for? Anyway, save some credit for UVa's own head coach, Tony Elliott, for that 46-38 double-overtime victory, even though he forgot the rule about having to go for two after a touchdown in the second OT.

The Cavs are 2-0 in ACC play and 4-1 overall, having lost only to Nc State, which of course is an ACC rival. With 17 teams in the league now, these teams scheduled a nonconference game against each other just to maintain the series. Therefore, that game does not count in the conference standings, just like Kansas State-Arizona. It's only a matter of time before a team ends up in the playoffs for winning its conference, in spite of a nonconference loss to a conference opponent that would otherwise have eliminated it. Just another twist in the sinister plot to render the entire regular season meaningless and stupid.

When the team from Charlottesville arrives and sees all the signage for "The Ville," they'll think they've got hospitable hosts. Surely, they won't suspect that "The Ville" refers instead to this town called Lllvull.

Virginia 38, Louisville 33

Michigan State at Nebraska

Sophomore Cornhusker quarterback Dylan Raiola may not be lighting up the scoreboard, but he has been quietly effective while diminishing his tendency to turn the ball over. As a freshman, he tossed 13 TDs but was picked off 11 times. Through four games this season, he has hit paydirt 11 times, and been intercepted only once.

In the battle of the helmet-helmets, the Spartans got crowned by USC, 45-31. Now you may step out and go to the kitchen, because we are going to stop and review that previous sentence for at least five minutes. Anyway, the MSU run defense was trounced by the Trojans for 289 yards on 40 attempts, for an average of 7.2 per carry. The ability of SC to control the clock took its toll on a long touchdown drive that devoured almost half of the fourth quarter.

If, when the College Football Czar referred to the helmet-helmets, you thought he should instead have described them as "meta-helmets," then you have been in college entirely too long. Please get out, before you turn into a botanist, or a DoorDash driver, or something.

Nebraska 27, Michigan State 17

Colorado at TCU

Deion Sanders returns to the scene of his Division I-A head coaching debut, where his Buffaloes scored what appeared to be a tremendous victory, 45-42 in their 2023 opener. In his postgame press conference, a combative Coach Prime demanded, "Do you believe now?" Following two-plus difficult years on the job, he probably wouldn't react that way now, but the College Football Czar doubts we are about to find out. The Horned Frogs have had this game circled on their calendar for 25 months.

The leaping lizards didn't do very well with their feet on the ground last Friday night, when they rushed for only 10 yards on 25 carries in a 27-24 loss at Arizona State. They led 17-0 early, but were unable to protect that lead by possessing the ball.

The Buffaloes could have used a dash of Salter in last week's 24-21 setback against BYU, but the dual-threat quarterback didn't get much on the ground, gaining 49 yards on 17 carries. At times, the former Liberty Flame was effective firing the ball, but he only had 16 attempts for the entire game, and that includes a bad interception to end his team's final possession. For now, he's expected to remain the starter, although we've already seen that Sanders won't hesitate to go to sophomore Ryan Staub.

The fans in Boulder earned their school a $50,000 fine for the "[expletive deleted] the Mormons" chant they started during last Saturday's game. It probably seemed witty at the time, but it was the Mormons who had the last laugh on them. Or at least they did, assuming they are allowed to laugh, which they might not be. The College Football Czar would ask one of them, except that it might result in a conversation.

TCU 43, Colorado 30

Wake Forest at Virginia Tech

The 2-3 Gobblers are now 2-0 under interim coach Phillip Montgomery, after stunning Nc State on the road last week, 23-21. Senior running back Terion Stewart carried on for a career-high 174 yards on 15 carries. Montgomery had previously been head coach at Tulsa from 2015-22, where his record of 43-53 was, in hindsight, not bad.

Wake is 2-2 overall, and 0-2 in the ACC standings, because both of their losses to conference opponents have counted as conference games. It hardly seems fair. Last week, the Demon Deacons went for two in the first overtime against Georgia Tech, but Robby Ashford's pass was picked off at the goal line, to turn away their upset bid by a final of 30-29.

In 2014, the Deacons defeated VT 6-3, but it wasn't quite as exciting as that. The game went to overtime scoreless. The teams exchanged field goals in the first OT, but in the second, Tech took a sack and missed a long kick, which set up Wake for a winning 39-yarder.

Before the advent of overtime, the last scoreless tie, between Oregon and Oregon State in 1983, was known as the Toilet Bowl. But at least when it was over, it was over. Adding overtime to a game like that is like having to plunge afterward.

Virginia Tech 20, Wake Forest 13

Kansas at Central Florida

There wasn't much to separate KU and Cincinnati in last week's game, in which each team came within three yards of 600 total. The key to the 37-34 setback was the game's lone turnover, a fumble by QB Jalon Daniels just short of the goal line in the fourth quarter. Up until then, Daniels' day had been memorable for more positive reasons, such as 445 passing yards and four TDs, with an additional 55 rushing yards for a total of 500.

The previously unbeaten Knights were knocked off by Kansas State, 34-20 in their Big XII opener. Quarterback Tayven Jackson left that game briefly with an injury to his left (non-throwing) shoulder, but he is expected to be okay to play this week. The Indiana transfer struggled through a 12-for-24 performance, for 115 yards and with an interception.

Just because they lost the game, that's no reason to call them "Central Florida." That's disrespectful, you know.

It's a good thing Scott Frost's team doesn't play at Colorado this year.

Kansas 31, Central Florida 22

Iowa State at Cincinnati

Opponents don't chase so well, otherwise Cyclone wide receiver Chase Sowell would get caught a lot sooner. The native of Humble, Texas had put up modest numbers this year, mostly because of an undisclosed injury that caused him to miss the first two games. In last week's 39-14 pounding of previously unbeaten Arizona, he finally broke out for 146 yards on four catches.

The Clones had better kick their artificial reproductive powers into high gear in a hurry. Both cornerbacks Jontez Williams and Jeremiah Cooper are out for the season with ACL injuries. Unfortunately, they don't have exact genetic replicas of those guys handy, so they will have to put their pass defense in the hands of a freshman, and a transfer from just barely Division I-AA Lindenwood University.

Cyrus Allen is getting serious, now that Big XII play is underway. In the Bearcats' conference opener against Kansas, the senior wide receiver snagged 11 passes for 128 yards and two TDs. The resulting 37-34 victory was the third in a row for UC, since a tough neutral-site loss to Nebraska at Arrowhead Stadium.

Cincinnati was once known as "Porkopolis" during the 19th Century, because it was the world's leading hog market at the time. The city has never embraced the name, considering it to be derogatory. But seriously, which would you rather visit: the Queen City or Porkopolis? For tailgaters, it's an obvious choice.

Iowa State 17, Cincinnati 14

Air Force at Navy

In his first start, Falcon QB Liam Szarka set a school record for total yards in a game, with 278 passing yards, combined with 139 on the ground, for a total of 417. This was not enough to prevent his team from dropping to 0-3 in the Mountain West, however, in a 44-35 home loss to Hawaii.

The Midshipmen, by contrast, are still undefeated, but that's hardly a feat, having faced UAB, Tulsa and Rice, in addition to Division I-AA VMI. Their schedule sets them up for a fall in November, when they knock heads with North Texas, Notre Dame, South Florida and Memphis.

This is the first of the three games in the competition for the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy. During the offseason, the winning team will visit the president, either to receive the trophy, or to be treated to a long-winded harangue about firemen getting shot at, the absence of fishing boats in the Caribbean, stealth technology making our ships ugly, what nice stationery there is in the desk at the Oval Office, and only brain-bats know what else.

Didn't you hope we were finished with that kind of thing?

Air Force 20, Navy 17

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone