The Original College Football Czar

Week 5

Week four in review: All the aspiring lardheads out there might as well just give up for the rest of the season, because Texas defensive end Colin Simmons is going to be very difficult to beat out for the Lardhead of the Year Award. Simmons recorded a sack late in the second quarter against Tennessee, so naturally he decided to draw additional attention to himself by pretending to unzip his pants and urinate on the field. So formidable a lardhead is he that he even managed to look indignant when an official threw a flag. The referee, perhaps seeking social media stardom with his own "giving him the business" moment, announced the penalty for "simulating going to the bathroom." Of this, Simmons was clearly innocent, because there was no suggestion of a bathroom in this pantomime of his. He just simulated whipping it out and whizzing out in the open, in front of 102,000 people.

This exhibition of selfish idiocy let the Volunteers out of a third-and-28 hole and gave them a first down. More importantly, if there were such thing as shame anymore, Simmons' actions would have brought buttloads of it down upon the Longhorns, the University of Texas, his family, his pets, and any other being that has ever encountered him, however briefly. Even germs. Sadly, there is not much of an indication that anybody cared. In his phony postgame apology, Simmons said, "I was definitely in that mode, feeling myself," which, frankly, did not make him sound very sorry. More like he wanted to go back and do it again, actually. "You know, it happens," he continued. "Charge it to the game." Oh, so he isn't even responsible for his premeditated act of extremely public lewdness. The game made him do it.

Not to be outdone (at least not by terribly much), Longhorn running back Raleek Brown marked the occasion of scoring a touchdown by wiping his hand over his crotch, lifting it up to his facemask and falling over, as if the stench had knocked him unconscious. For this, he was not even penalized, perhaps because the ref didn't know how to phrase it in his announcement. Ten years ago, this kind of behavior would have gotten these players suspended for the rest of the season. Twenty years ago, they would have probably been kicked off the team and had their scholarships revoked. But now? Well, coach Steve Sarkisian says they really ought to cut it out, and Raleek Brown has probably landed an NIL deal with Lume, but there do not appear to be any other repercussions.

Through all the imbecility, the top-ranked bottom burps from Texas managed to stave of the Vols by a final of 20-17. Many other ranked teams didn't get off so easy. #4 Ole Miss was the highest-ranked of five teams to lose to lower-ranked or unranked opponents, and defending national champion Indiana received a Friday night fright from Northwestern before escaping with an uneasy 29-23 victory.

The College Football Czar went 6-0 picking games in SEC games on Saturday, on his way to a record of 14-6 for the week. His season record stands at 62-28, for a .689 winning percentage.

Oct. 2

Pitt at Virginia Tech

This rivalry, which had mellowed out since its more intense Big East era, ought to be reinvigorated by the arrival of former Penn State head coach James Franklin in Blacksburg. The Gobblers won seven of the first eight games in the head-to-head series, but now only lead 12-11.

Last week on the road, Tech had to contend with not only Boston College, but also a nor'easter. That's what they call a non-tropical cyclone off the East Coast. Until the College Football Czar read that, he thought it was probably the name of a BC player, pointless first name apostrophes being all the rage these days. Or perhaps it's called that because the storm arrives on neither Christmas nor Easter. Anyway, Franklin's team won the game 21-14, after having trailed by eight in the fourth quarter. Running back Jeffrey Overton saw his window of opportunity, and darted through it for a tying two-point conversion, followed by a 76-yard game-winning touchdown.

The Panthers are playing on the road for the first time in 2026, but there's no particular reason that should matter. Last year, they won the last four games in which they were the visiting team, including victories over Florida State and Georgia Tech.

Leading up to this game, Panther head coach Pat Narduzzi has made a point of it to speak very respectfully of his counterpart James Franklin. It seemed forced, but who knows? Perhaps the respect is genuine. After all, there can be little doubt that he admires Franklin's wit, after that "Hey, Michael" zinger.

Pitt 28, Virginia Tech 23

Penn State at Northwestern

NU plays its first game at the new Ryan Field, and if that doesn't provide enough excitement in itself, the Wildcats just put up a great scrap in a 29-23 road loss against defending national champion Indiana. Ex-Oregon State and Michigan State QB Aidan Chiles threw for 293 yards, more than he had in any game for just over two years.

The College Football Czar has never thought this year's Nittany Lion team should be ranked, but he fully expected it to reach this game with an unblemished record. Last Saturday's 24-20 home loss to Wisconsin was not just blem-ish, it was a genuine, full-fledged, certified blem! PSU led the Badgers 17-0 at one point in the first half, and 20-10 with about seven minutes to play. In that remaining time they managed to give up two touchdowns, aided by a very quick three-and-out on the offensive series in between.

Quarterback Rocco Becht needs to be a lot bechter than his 12-for-29, 114-yard performance, which included a costly interception and no touchdowns. Meanwhile the ground game continued to be unremarkable, with an average of 3.3 yards per carry. Mind you, many of their key offensive players are transplants from Iowa State, and for ISU to struggle offensively against Wisconsin would have been expected.

Analytics lardheads are slamming PSU coach Matt Campbell for his decision to punt on a fourth-and-one at the start of the fourth quarter. One problem the College Football Czar has with analytics, however, is that they tend not to adequately factor in the negative consequences of failure. The Lions had the ball at their own 38-yard line. They led 20-10, and had held UW to 18 yards in the third quarter. Their running game was unreliable, which pretty much renders those analytics fourth-down percentages moot. So, Campbell punted, and his defense held the Badgers on the ensuing possession. It was a totally sound decision. Or don't analytics say anything about the other team's chances of driving 38 yards as opposed to 73? At some point, during some other game, the fans and local media are going to regret making Campbell second-guess this decision.

The Czar is suspicious of the fact that he has never actually seen an analytic. They're probably just made up, kind of like eyelid mites, latex space aliens, and Unitarians.

Northwestern 19, Penn State 17

Oct. 3

West Virginia at Iowa State

Just as optimism was building for the Mountaineers, Oklahoma State came along and poked their bubble, 41-24. Quarterback Michael Hawkinsjr threw his first interception of the season, while completing only 10 of 22 for 132 yards. He did rush for 103, but as the season goes along, he's going to need to prove that he can pass downfield more effectively. The former Sooner scrambler has only passed for an average of 152 yards per game this year.

The Cyclones don't have a lot to cheer about so far, unless they want to start a rousing chorus of "We Are Not Penn State." Still, their losses have been in competitive games against ranked teams Iowa and Utah, so there's no reason why they shouldn't be right in the game against WVU.

Q: What has Eers but cannot hear?

A: West Virginia, because they are clogged with lard.

West Virginia 24, Iowa State 20

Ohio State at Iowa

The Hawkeyes' last-second 20-19 win at Michigan seemed like justice to a lot of football fans, although the Western Michigan Broncos probably didn't derive any satisfaction from it. No doubt, the fans were far happier in Columbus than in Kalamazoo when Iowa wide receiver Reece Vander Zee pulled in the game-winning 16-yard touchdown as time expired.

Buckeye wide receiver Jeremiah Smith, who recently became that school's all-time leader in receiving yards, showed no sign of letting up in a 42-19 drilling of Illinois. He tied another OSU record with four TD catches in a game, while making 12 receptions for 217 yards. He now needs only ten more catches to overtake Emeka Egbuka in that category as well.

Q: What has eyes but cannot see?

A: Somebody who's blind. The simplest answer is often the correct one.

Ohio State 26, Iowa 10

Miami at Clemson

Hurricane WR Malachi Toney leads all ACC receivers at this point in the season with 564 yards, which is more significant than it might otherwise sound, because two of their four September games were actually against conference opponents. The only reason he hasn't hit the 100-yard mark in every game is because the starters were pulled early in an idiotic game against Division I-AA Florida A&M, causing Toney to fall four yards short.

Son of Clem cornerback Ashton Hampton had an outstanding game as usual in last Friday's 24-10 win at Cal, with one exception. As teammate Bryant Wesco was about to score a tie-breaking third-quarter touchdown on a punt return, Hampton, who was running alongside him, started reaching out to high-five him before they even got to the 20-yard line. Obviously, he was aware that they weren't in the end zone yet. He wanted Wesco to celebrate with him on their way into the end zone, in an obvious taunt. Wesco, who actually seemed more concerned about the result of the play, declined to participate until they crossed the goal line. Tiger coach Dabo Swinney has praised Hampton this year, specifically for his maturity, but here he was trying to show up his opponents with a childish stunt. If that's maturity, what would he have done before, thrown handfuls of applesauce at them?

Does it seem like the entire college football world turned into the Miami Hurricanes of the 80s last week?

Miami 34, Clemson 24

Alabama at Mississippi State

The mud puppies are off to a 4-0 start, but the same was true last season, when they lost seven of their last eight regular season games, went to a bowl game anyway, and lost that, too. The difference this year is that they have already played two SEC games, defeating South Carolina and Missouri by seven points apiece.

Not many teams have faced as respectable a September schedule as the Crimson Tide have, yet they are fourth in the nation in scoring with 48.0 points per game, against East Carolina, Kentucky, Florida State and South Carolina. They are only #24 in total yardage, however, which means that (a) they tend to finish their drives, and (b) their defense and special teams have consistently set them up with favorable field position.

Bulldog sophomore quarterback Kamario Taylor is already promising that he is going to stay in Starkville after this season. Nobody seems to be wondering about Bama QB Keelon Russell, who is also a sophomore, and whose stats are not much less impressive than Taylor's. That's because nobody transfers out of Alabama, unless he's just not good enough. The same is sadly untrue of the Bulldogs, and most other programs around the country.

MSU fans are allowed to bring their traditional cowbells into Davis Wade Staduim, provided that they silence them when the opposing team is trying to call offensive plays. Last week against Mizzou, however, the clanking kept up constantly throughout. Let's see if the SEC clamps down on them, now that they have a home game against somebody important.

Are those the Southern bells we've been hearing about for all these years? They wouldn't have the reputation they do, if more people knew they were of the bovine variety.

Alabama 35, Mississippi State 19

Brigham Young at TCU

The 2-2 leaping lizards haven't got much hop to them so far this season. Last Saturday at Central Florida, they committed four turnovers and eleven penalties in a 21-13 defeat. Worse than the numbers is the impression that no improvement has been made since an equally inept opening 15-10 loss to North Carolina in Dublin.

Last season, the Cougars snapped a five-game losing streak against Texas Christian, in a 44-13 thwacking that pulled them back within a game of evening up the all-time series, in which they are currently 6-7. The Frogs can actually expect better quarterbacking play than they did in that game from Josh Hoover. The current Indiana starter only completed 10 of 23 that day, with two interceptions and no touchdowns.

BYU hasn't really looked like a Top Ten team so far, but it might not need to be if it can clear this hurdle against the Horned Frogs. The Cougars appear to have a weak Big XII schedule ahead of them, with the exception of an early November rivalry game against Utah in Salt Lake City. The rest of their most challenging games are at home, including one against Notre Dame two weeks from now. That will be sort of a rematch of a match that didn't happen in the first place, when the Fighting Irish said phooey to the Pop Tarts Bowl in Orlando.

Ever wonder why Little Orphan Annie said "leaping lizards?" Because she couldn't say "@#$%&*!" Leave that to Andy Capp.

Brigham Young 28, TCU 18

Washington at USC

The College Football Czar was going to recap last year's meeting, which was won by UW, 26-21. It seemed kind of silly, though, in light of the fact that most of the key players from that game are gone. Refreshingly, the vast majority of them went to the NFL, and not to the transfer portal.

The 3-1 Huskies lost at home to Minnesota 27-24, partly because they've got the second-weakest running game in the Big Ten, next to Purdue. With quarterback Demond Williamsjr leading the team in rushing, the RBs have only chipped in 66 yards per game.

Trojan linebacker Desman Stephens is suspended for this game because of the head shot he delivered to a sliding Oregon QB Dante Moore last week, and for the WWE-like performance he put on, when he surely had some idea how badly hurt his opponent was. The suspension is only for one game, meaning he will be back in the lineup for his team's Week 6 road trip to Penn State. How convenient.

See? The College Football Czar remembered to call it the WWE, and not the WWF. How with-it can you get?

USC 41, Washington 33

Florida at Missouri

As much as the College Football Czar dislikes the non-divisional conference format, at least it means these two schools are no longer in the same division. What in the Southeast was Missouri to the east of, exactly?

Last week, upon being told that his team was favored against Ole Miss, UF coach Jon Sumrall tried to tamp down expectations with the quip, "There's a lot of good drugs out there." Well, the only good drug that was found at the swamp was the way his team drug the Rebels up and down the field in a 52-28 triumph. (The Czar had to consult the Dizzy Dean Thesaurus to come up with that pun.)

The Tigers took their first loss of the season in Week 4, in what was, not coincidentally, their first SEC game of the campaign. After spotting Mississippi State a 14-0 first-quarter lead, they dominated the middle of the game, but were outscored 14-0 again in the final frame, for a final of 31-24. Now, they face four Top Ten opponents in their final eight games, beginning with the #8 Gators.

Dizzy Dean probably thought a thesaurus was a prehistoric lizard.

Florida 30, Missouri 14

Army at Louisiana Tech

Last time these teams met, it was in the Cotton Bowl. Not the game by that name, but the stadium, where the Cadets prevailed in a regular season neutral-site game by a score of 35-16 in 2013.

The Bulldogs are just 1-2, but they only trailed LSU 10-7 at halftime before wearing down, and they were competitive in a 36-19 loss to Baylor. Quarterback Blake Baker missed the BU game with a hand injury, but his best palindrome Trey Kukuk stepped in and threw for 223 yards, while running for 75 more.

There's no question who's the QB for the West Pointers. Cale Hellums carried the ball for all three Black Knight touchdowns in an enjoyable Friday afternoon tilt against Temple. The last of these gave his team a 21-17 lead, which the defense preserved by stopping the Owls on a fourth-down attempt at the Army 23-yard line.

"Louisiana Tech" might sound like a contradiction in terms, until you realize that you probably need an engineering degree to figure out how to eat a crawfish.

Army 21, Louisiana Tech 20

Michigan at Minnesota

These ancient rivals play for possession of the Little Brown Jug, which the Wolverines could sure stand to pass around after the way they lost last week's game to Iowa. Three weeks after eking out a 13-12 win over Western Michigan on a last-second touchdown pass that should never have been, they lost their conference opener on a last-second TD pass by the Hawkeyes, 20-19. In between, they had a 17-10 win over Oklahoma that wasn't nearly as big a deal as it seemed at the time.

P.J. Fleck's defense held Washington's ground game to just 40 yards on 27 carries, thwarting them on 10 of 11 third-down attempts in an important 27-24 road win to open their Big Ten season. Altogether, the radiant rodents recorded seven sacks and picked off two passes, one of which they quickly converted for the opening touchdown of the game.

The Little Brown Jug is the oldest rivalry trophy in college football, having been introduced in 1903. It's actually quite large, though, and it was originally white, not brown. Still, it is an actual jug, which makes the phrase 33.3 percent true. That's a better accuracy rating than most collegiate textbooks have got.

Michigan 20, Minnesota 13

Virginia at Florida State

This could be a critical game for Mike Norvell and his 2-2 Seminoles, who follow this clash with the Cavs by playing Louisville, Miami and Clemson to round out October. Then, of course, they finish the season against Florida. If they end up under .500 for a third year in a row, FSU might not be much more forgiving toward the seventh-year coach than this schedule is.

UVa has lost its only game away from home so far, a 38-27 neutral site setback against West Virginia in Charlotte. The Cavaliers were supposed to have played their conference opener against Nc State in Rio de Janeiro, but the game had to be moved from there, probably because somebody had stolen the stadium, or something.

Ashton Daniels' INT problems have persisted this year. The Nole QB threw three of them in a 50-36 loss at Alabama in Week 4, and then added one while walking over Division I-AA Central Arkansas. For his career, he now has 30 touchdowns and 27 picks.

You might wonder why the University of Virginia includes that lower case "a" in its abbreviation. That's because if it didn't, people would refuse to attend its games, for fear of exposing themselves to those dastardly UV rays that are the bane of human existence.

Actually, it's been a long time since the College Football Czar has heard any public warnings about UV rays. So what happened to them? Did they just decide to start behaving themselves all of a sudden?

Florida State 45, Virginia 41

Baylor at Arizona State

ASU had better make the most of its home field advantage, because its road schedule is rugged. So far, their lone loss has been a 48-20 blowout at Texas A&M, but they have road trips remaining to Texas Tech, Brigham Young, Central Florida and Arizona.

Two weeks ago, the Sun Devil offense could have been timed with a sundial, which is especially bad considering that they were playing a night game, in England. Nevertheless, their meager total of 228 yards proved to be enough to secure a 24-17 victory over Kansas, because they went plus-3 in turnovers of the conventional variety, in addition to stopping the Jayhawks on two fourth-down conversion attempts.

Former Florida Gator D.J. Langway was back behind center for the Bears against Colorado, after missing the previous two games with an ankle injury. His numbers lagged, however, with only 19 completions in 39 attempts, yet the Waco kids won 23-13. At a critical point in the first half of that game, the BU defense stuffed the Buffs on a fourth-and-one at midfield. The O took advantage of the short field, and drove for a touchdown to take a 10-3 lead that it maintained into the fourth quarter.

But, analytics!

Arizona State 33, Baylor 31

Navy at Air Force

The revival of military academy football has left the AFA behind. Over the past decade, the Falcons have brought home the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy only once, as their lead in the three-way series has shrunk to 21-18-10, over Navy and Army, respectively.

A week ago, the Lightning Eleven let up long enough to allow a 57-yard touchdown run near the end of regulation time, but they buckled down to deny Nevada any first downs in two extra frames, and finally pulled the game out 36-33 in double-overtime.

In a tough 24-20 Friday loss to UAB at Protective Stadium, the Midshipmen protected their quarterback the way Speedos protect one's sensitive parts. Still, even factoring in the loss of yardage from six sacks, Jackson Gutierrez rushed for 134 yards and passed for 104 more.

To everyone who had forgotten all about Speedos until just now, sorry.

Navy 37, Air Force 29

Auburn at Tennessee

The Tigers' only loss so far has been a 44-39 slugfest against Florida in Week 3. Last Saturday, they handed Vanderbilt its first loss of the season, 21-15, by cleverly not calling a completely asinine, self-defeating play at the end of the game.

If you just couldn't wait for another Colin Simmons reference, urine luck. If there's any justice at all to come from last week's incident, it's that Simmons recorded five sacks against the Volunteers, but nobody is going to remember him for that. Altogether, the Tennessee offensive line got trashed for a total of ten sacks on the day, in a tight 20-17 loss to #1 Texas. Don't look now, but judging from that stat, it seems like Speedos are making a comeback. No, really! Don't look!

One might have thought the Longhorns' behavior during that game would be doubly shameful because the President of the United States was in attendance. Considering who that is, however, they were probably just giving him ideas for his next Truth Social post.

Auburn 26, Tennessee 24

Louisville at Nc State

It wasn't in the Cards as they failed to follow up on their big win over SMU. Their 30-27 letdown against Wake Forest ended with failed field goal attempts on back-to-back possessions to end the game. After Carson Hilbert missed from 42 yards out, head coach Jeff Brohm gave Nick Keller a shot at a 57-yarder with under two minutes to play, but his kick was blocked.

For a while, the Wolfpack looked determined to give another one away, in a shaky 41-31 win over Appalachian State. They led 28-7 late in the second quarter, but allowed the Mountaineers to knot things up 31-31 early in the fourth. NCSU running back Jayden Scott broke the tie with his second TD of the game, on his way to accumulating 148 yards on 25 carries.

When the Louisville cheerleaders say, "Gimme an L," it's so that they can give it to quarterback Lincoln Kienholz. He seems to be missing one of those.

Louisville 42, Nc State 27

Syracuse at Uconn

The Orange have been idle since dropping their first two ACC games to California and Pitt. Now they'll try to reset their season with a nonconference game against this old Big East foe at Pratt & Whitney Stadium in East Hartford (which used to be Rentschler Field and was located in Storrs, but who's counting).

SU slinger Steve Angeli threw five INTs in those two previous games, which is more than he had in three seasons of limited action. Before last year's season-ending Achilles injury, he was picked off only twice in 156 career attempts. By comparison, all those interceptions against the Golden Bears and Panthers came on 75 passes.

The Conn Men got their foot in the door with two first-quarter touchdowns last week, but then Miami Ohio slammed it on them, 24-21. Perhaps next time they'll try a new sales tactic, like making up some ridiculous lie about the health department sending them to your house because there's a "carbon emergency" in your neighborhood, which requires you to switch your electricity to a "green energy" provider or else innocent people will die! Not that anyone would do a thing like that, except for the people who do things like that.

Syracuse 19, Uconn 16

Central Florida at Houston

It's Cape Canaveral versus Houston Control in a space race between recent expansion teams in the Big XII. UCF actually plays an annual astronaut-themed "space game" at home every season, and they were 8-0 in those games until the Cougars came to town last year, armed with a uranium PU-36 explosive space modulator. In that 30-27 victory, UH had to overcome three interceptions by QB Connor Weigman, but so far this season he has thrown only one.

The Knights' run defense roughed up TCU, holding the Horned Frogs to 33 yards on 27 carries to win, 21-13. Even in a previous 12-7 defeat at Pitt, they held a usually productive Panther ground game to a paltry average of 2.4 yards per carry.

Former James Madison quarterback Alonza Barnettiii hasn't played since that rainy day in Pittsburgh because of a hamstring injury, and coach Scott Frost says he is out for this game, also. Scott has handed the keys to Keyone Jenkins, but the engine has stalled with him behind the wheel. In that Texas Christian game, Jenkins completed 19 of 20, but for a total of only 160 yards. If he is to help them beat a quality conference opponent, the coaches will have to let him take a few more chances downfield.

There really is such a thing as space football, you know. The College Football Czar saw all about it in a documentary called Son of Flubber.

Houston 14, Central Florida 10

Stanford at Wake Forest

Former South Alabama and North Carolina QB Gio Lopez is well on his way to a career high in passing yardage for a season. Already in four games with the Demon Deacons, he has topped the 300-yard mark twice, which is something he didn't do all last year at UNC.

The Cardinal got into the W-column in ACC play by topping Georgia Tech 34-27, thanks to three second-half TD passes by Davis Warren, who finished with a career-high 396 yards. The former Michigan QB had more interceptions than TDs last season, but now has seven scores and no picks with his new team.

Wake Forest University moved out of the town of Wake Forest in 1956, when it built a much bigger campus in Winston-Salem, which in recent years the school has been trying to informally rebrand "Deactown." That's even lamer than if they renamed it "Winston-America."

Wake Forest 31, Stanford 27

Cincinnati at Arizona

The Bearcat ground game, led by Cole Tabb and Gi'Bran Payne, has gone through the first four games like a nor'easter, or something else out of whose way people want to keep. Tabb might not have an apostrophe to his name, but he sure made a point last week in a 31-26 win over Kansas State, when he rushed for 124 yards and three TDs on only eleven carries.

This week, however, they run headlong into a sou'wester, in a Wildcat defense that has held three opposing teams out of four to fewer than 100 rushing yards each. Even in their one defeat, they only allowed 148 against Brigham Young, holding L.J. Martin to 98.

If they really did have anything in Arizona that they called a sou'wester, the people in the nor'east would think they were ill'iterate.

Arizona 30, Cincinnati 21

Wyoming at North Dakota State

The 4-0 Bison return home to the Fargodome after back-to-back road wins against Air Force and Sacramento State. They have now won 16 consecutive regular season games, interrupted only by a 29-28 loss to Illinois State in last year's Division I-AA playoffs.

The 2-2 Cowboys seemed to come around by hammering Hawaii 27-10, but the College Football Czar is unconvinced, because UH has trouble traveling to the mainland in general. As poorly as the Pokes played at Colorado State and Central Michigan, a quality road win still looks unlikely at this point.

Officially, the "FARGODOME" is spelled in all caps, even though it isn't an acronym. Why in the world would that be? Is President Trump mad at it? All domes are terrible for TV, but the FARGODOME in particular is funny-looking. Just in a general kind of way.

North Dakota State 22, Wyoming 6

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone