The Original College Football Czar

Week 5

Week four in review: Can everybody just knock it off now? You know what the College Football Czar means by that. For the past three weeks, the topic of every other sports talk show has been, "Is Deion Sanders better than Bear Bryant, or is he only better than Ara Parseghian?" All right, so Colorado's comeuppance at Oregon was only one game, but it's no less fair to judge the coach by that than to judge him by three previous wins against lesser opposition. No other coach, after needing double-overtime to put away Colorado State, would have been treated as if he were the conquering hero who had just slain the nine-headed Hydra. Sanders is a first-year major college coach who's done pretty well so far. Can't we just leave it at that? Of course, the Czar already knows that the answer is no.

While we're on the subject of unjustified adulation, sports reporters are pretending to be amazed by Haley Van Voorhis, a Division III women's track athlete who supposedly "played safety" in a football game for Shenandoah University, in which she "registered a hurry." First of all, a "hurry" is not a legitimate, definable statistic, so no, she did not "register" one. As for her position, it was anyone's guess, because she appeared confused about where to stand when she ran onto the field, taking a position on the end of the line after being guided there by teammates. Nobody on the opposing team from Juniata wanted to be the bad guy by blocking the girl, so they just got out of her way and let her run free into the backfield. After the quarterback had gotten rid of the ball, she grabbed onto him, and he spun and fell on top of her, somewhat comically. She clearly lacked the strength to tackle the guy. Most likely, he was just enjoying the contact.

"I want to show other people that this is what women can do, to show what I can do" she said, exhibiting typically feminist delusions of grandeur. "It's a big moment. I made the impossible possible." Of course, there's nothing impossible about a woman wandering onto a football field, running in a straight line, and then heading off again. All that is needed is enough other people who are willing to disgrace the game enough to let her do it.

News accounts that referred to her as the "first female non-kicker" to play in a college football game are making a curious admission. Real kickers aren't placed in a separate category from other football players. It is only the gimmicky female kickers, who are never expected to block or tackle, and whom opposing players conspicuously avoid, that are recognized not to be physically part of the game. Well, it's no different for a woman at any other position who has been exempted from the violence that is endemic to the sport. Van Voorhis was allowed to take the field on Saturday, but she is not and has never been a college football player.

In 1963, sportswriter George Plimpton sort-of tried out as a backup quarterback for the Detroit Lions in an exercise in what he called "participatory journalism," never meaning, of course, to become a real football player. A movie about his experience starring Alan Alda (no, really) depicted an incident from a scrimmage in which he scrambled up the middle, eluding several tacklers on his way to the end zone. He began to brag about this accomplishment, only to have the real players reveal to him that they had deliberately allowed him to score as a joke. That's basically the same thing that happened when the Juniata offense opted not to block Van Voorhis. If the sports media were the same 60 years ago as they are now, they would have written headlines like "Plimpton scores heroic TD in historic pro debut."

So far this season, the Czar's week-to-week results have been as volatile as Woody Hayes (as long as we're discussing coaches who were almost comparable to Coach Prime). In Week 4, he rallied to a 16-4 finish, which improves his season record to 52-33, for a .612 winning percentage.

Sept. 29

Utah at Oregon State

Whoever wins this game takes the lead in the head-to-head series for the foreseeable future. Kyle Whittingham�s team buried the Beavers 42-16 a year ago in Salt Lake City, to level this underappreciated rivalry at 12-12-1.

The Beavs suffered their first setback of 2023 at Washington State, where their frantic, fourth-quarter comeback fell short 38-35, after they had trailed by 21 points at the end of the third. Led by senior RB Deshaun "Inspector" Fenwick (11 carries for 101 yards), their ground game gnawed away at the Cougar defense for 242 yards, and an average of 6.2 per carry.

The Utes improved to 4-0 by winning a 14-7 standoff with UCLA, in spite of the continued absence of injured starting quarterback Cam Rising. Junior linebacker Karene Reid scored a pick-six on the opening play of the game, and then he and his mates held the Bruins off the scoreboard until less than four minutes remained in the game. Reid hails from a nearby town called American Fork, UT, which is not the macaroni and cheese capital of the world, but it should be. Especially with so much salt handy.

Speaking of mac & cheese, the prepared foods producer for which Reser Stadium is named makes a pretty good batch of the stuff. In that regard, Reser is not exactly Stouffer's, but that's okay. OSU is not exactly Georgia, either, but in most cases it's good enough.

It's unlikely that anyone has actually nicknamed the Beaver running back Inspector Fenwick, by the way. The Czar is just making that up now, hoping it will stick, but surely even the twentieth-year seniors on the team don't get the reference.

Why are people so content not to understand anything that originated before they were born? You've got the answers right at your fingertips, dammit. Look it up.

Oregon State 20, Utah 17

Cincinnati at Brigham Young

These are two of those teams that puzzle the College Football Czar by placing a disproportionate value on quarterbacks taken through the transfer portal, when they've always been able to develop excellent ones of their own. Both Emory Jones and Kedon Slovis are journeyman QBs of dubious value, yet their starting status does not seem to be in question. Jones' pickoff problems, and general lack of an offensive spark, have followed him from Florida to Arizona State and now to UC. Slovis, during stops at USC and Pitt, has at least shown the ability to move an offense downfield, but has sabotaged himself with interceptions and unnecessary sacks.

In the Bearcats' Big XII debut last Saturday, they did not remotely resemble a Big XII team, in that they played defense. In a 20-6 loss to Oklahoma at Nippert Stadium, they held the Sooners more than five touchdowns below their season average. The O was given every opportunity to capitalize, but turned the ball over on downs on three consecutive possessions in the second half.

Last week at Kansas, Slovis threw for 357 yards, but the first of his two interceptions was a pick-six at the start of the first half, which gave up the lead for good. KU converted his other turnover into a touchdown, also, as the Cougars lost for the first time this season, 38-27.

There is considerable disagreement as to whether any such thing as a bearcat actually exists. The Czar says, let's have congressional hearings on the subject. That'll get to the bottom of it, all right.

Brigham Young 24, Cincinnati 20

Sept. 30

Pitt at Virginia Tech

Since these teams first met upon the Gobblers' entry into the Big East in 1993, they have played many exciting games with a lot on the line. This shan't be among them. Each team is currently 1-3, although at least Tech has taken out a Division I-A opponent, in a 36-17 opener against Old Dominion.

It is unclear as of this writing whether Panther QB Phil Jurkovec will be able to start, after sustaining an undisclosed injury late in the first half of a 41-24 loss to North Carolina. Penn State transfer Christian Veilluex, who finished that game with two interceptions while completing just 7 of 18, is still second in the pecking order. Sophomore Nate Yarnell is not a transfer from anywhere, and therefore does not get to play.

Tech ranks ninth-worst in the nation in run defense, and until last week's 24-17 loss to Marshall, they hadn�t gone up against anyone whose ground game was especially dangerous. That could make this game a great opportunity for Pitt tailback Rodney Hammond, who has been getting more carries as the season goes along. A week ago, Hammond handed his team 5.9 yards per carry, and should easily register his first 100-yarder of 2023 if his team isn't taken out of its running game in the second half, as has been the pattern.

Pat Narduzzi has never been accused of being the most ingenious coach in America, but this season he has demonstrated his true brilliance. Wait a minute, you might be thinking, hasn't Dooz's team been a tremendous disappointment? Exactly! Those welchers he used to work for at Michigan State will never hire him away now.

Pitt 9, Virginia Tech 6

Penn State at Northwestern

On the surface, this game has no business being competitive, but the same was true last year when a Wildcat team that would only finish 1-11 kept it close, until a fourth quarter field goal lifted PSU past all of its own mistakes to a mucky 17-7 win. The teams combined for eight turnovers that day, with the Lions committing five.

The Nittany Lions annihilated Iowa 31-0, but they still didn't get their ground game going. Sophomore RBs Kaytron Allen and Nicholas Singleton combined for 121 yards, for a meager average of 3.2 per carry. The Wildcats' Cam Porter actually has as many rushing yards as Singleton, on four fewer carries.

In spite of the hazing scandal and the subsequent, controversial firing of longtime coach Pat Fitzgerald, the Cats could salvage their season after all. Trailing Minnesota 31-10 in the fourth quarter last Saturday, they were led back by QB Ben Bryant for an unlikely 37-34 overtime victory, which levels their record at 2-2. Bryant, a transfer from Cincinnati, took the hint that he was no longer wanted there when the Bearcats brought in Emory Jones.

The Czar isn't comparing the current events at NU to the Sandusky scandal, but he does think the Wildcats could take a few pointers from the team from Jonestown, East of Johnstown. The first thing they need to do is embark on an aggressive media campaign to reorient the narrative so that central issue is whether "the Northwestern community" will be able to persevere. Once they have succeeded in positioning the university as the victim of its own scandal, they can hold a pregame ceremony where they encourage attendees to wear awareness ribbons. The event, initially presented as a solemn observance of the alleged victims of the scandalous activity, will instead morph into a celebration of the school, for having the courage to move on! We won't let this naughty hazing scandal keep us down. We're bigger than that! Hooray, Northwestern!

Oh, sure. Like anyone could really get away with a thing like that.

Penn State 44, Northwestern 10

West Virginia at TCU

WVU won a battle of backup quarterbacks in a 20-13 defeat of Texas Tech, even though their own freshman QB has yet to throw for more than 100 yards in a game. Nicco Marichol completed 12 passes for only 78 yards, 26 of which he gave back on two interception returns. Meanwhile, the Mountaineer defense held Red Raider sophomore Behren Morton to only 13 completions on 37 attempts. It was the second straight game in which an opposing passer completed far fewer than half of his passes, Pitt's Phil Jurkovec going 8-for-20 a week prior. That can't be entirely coincidental.

The Horned Frog defense that was so easily shredded by Sanders and Son has since shut down offensively potent opponents Houston and SMU. Last week, coach Sonny Dykes scored his fourth consecutive victory in the Iron Skillet series, the first two as head coach of SMU, and the last two against that same school. This time, Texas Christian stung the Stangs 34-17, stopping two drives with interceptions, and turning Southern Methodist away twice more on downs, just short of field goal range.

The WVU fans like to sing that life ain't nuthin but a funny, funny riddle. The Czar doesn't know what riddle they're referring to, but it can't be the one that asks what's black and white and read all over. That's because they've never quite gotten the punch line to that one.

TCU 26, West Virginia 6

USC at Colorado

No prime time for Deion Sanders, who probably won't be the only one wearing shades, as most of these guys on both teams might be feeling a little fuzzy. This Pac 12 battle is the Fox Big Noon game, meaning it gets underway at 10AM in Boulder. In other words, this is one of those "good" time slots that the schools out west have been begging for. Just like expanding the playoffs and shortening the games, this sounded like a great idea to a lot of people, but now it's happening.

For CU quarterback Shedeur Sanders to finally face some defensive pressure must have come as a bit of a shock, the way he was allowed to set his feet in the pocket during his first three games. In the 42-6 sack attack at Oregon, he was taken down seven times, while throwing for a season-low 159 yards. Now, he and his Buffs face a presumptive conference contender for a second week in a row. By the way, the ESPN ticker abbreviates Shedeur's name as "She. Sanders." A bit unusual, but who is the Czar to question it, the way things are today? As the saying doesn't go, "To each She. own."

Southern Cal couldn't shake Arizona State last week, at least not until midway through the fourth quarter of an uncomfortable 42-28 win. QB Caleb Williams rushed for two touchdowns, while throwing for three more. In four games, he has tossed 15 TDs and has yet to be intercepted.

Another game, another bizarre postgame press conference for Coach Prime (preferred pronouns: I, me, my, more me, and have I mentioned I?). Following the drubbing his team took in Eugene, he warned, "You better get me right now, this is the worst we're gonna be." Obviously, there's nothing wrong with setting a goal of constantly improving, but he's not talking about it in the context of this season. He said this in response to a question about his assertion that his team is seven to eight players away from being nationally competitive. So he's comparing this year's Buffalo team to hypothetical future Buffalo teams, and telling his current players that they're the worst bunch that he will ever coach. How must they be taking that? Perhaps the next exodus through the transfer portal will include some players he'd rather not have gotten rid of.

In case you were wondering, it's only incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition if it creates a redundancy, as in, "Where are you going to." The College Football Czar is not about to contort himself to form phrases like "players of which he'd rather not have gotten rid," just to obey a grammatical rule that really isn't one. To insist on such a thing is kind of like blaming a wide receiver for not catching a ball that barely grazes his fingertips, based on the phony rule that he's got to catch any ball that touches his hands. The correct answer to that is, no, it was physically impossible for the receiver to have made the catch, and the Czar has just ended a sentence with "of." Anyone who has a problem with that can stick it where the sun doesn't go to.

USC 55, Colorado 34

Notre Dame at Duke

The Fighting Irish must have gotten beer muscles at the end of last week's game against Ohio State, because they decided that ten of their own men could take on eleven Buckeyes for the last two plays of the game. The resulting one-yard OSU touchdown run with one second to go dealt the golden domers their first defeat of the season, 17-14.

Most fans had some idea that the Blue Devils were dangerous this year, but not necessarily because of their defense. In four games, all against legitimate competition, they have only allowed 8.8 points per game. That ties them with Penn State for fourth-best in the nation, behind only Michigan, Ohio State and Oklahoma.

Former ND coach Lou Holtz unintentionally set off a war of words last week, by saying during a podcast that the lumpy nuts were not among the greatest teams, because they haven't been winning the big one in recent years. In response, OSU coach Brutus came out swinging after the game. "I'd like to know where Lou Holtz is right now!" he demanded, calling out the 86-year-old ex-coach in cornball WWE fashion. (He's at home watching the games, Brutus, and probably having a glass of warm milk. Sounds like you could use one, too.) Holtz apologized, not to Brutus, but to current Irish coach Marcus Freeman, for causing a distraction and making his job more difficult. Okay, but isn't it time the second-year skipper proved he can handle the pressure of leading the legendary program? Dealing with the surrounding noise is just part of the job.

In case you're wondering why the College Football Czar keeps referring to Ryan Day as Brutus, remember that Bluto was renamed Brutus in those bastardized 50s Popeye cartoons. Just take a look at the coach's mug, and keep in mind that, as a Buckeye, he would have to be Brutus instead of Bluto. That doesn't mean Coach Holtz is cast as Popeye in this particular episode, even though he does look like someone who just ate spinach straight out of the can.

Duke 27, Notre Dame 19

LSU at Ole Miss

The Tigers trailed Arkansas 13-3 last week, until quarterback Jayden Daniels threw a pair of 49-yard touchdown passes to Brian Thomasjr, one with only seconds remaining in the first half, and the other only a minute into the second.

Rebel coach Lane Kiffin got a rude welcome from his former boss Nick Saban last week, in a suffocating 24-10 loss in Tuscaloosa. Mississippi missed a field goal shortly before halftime with a slim 7-6 lead, and then allowed Alabama to score a total of 18 points on its first three possessions of the second half.

Last year's SEC-leading rusher, Quinshon Judkins, has been notably unproductive this season, so it was no surprise that he was listed as questionable going into last week's game, with a typically vague "upper body injury." It turned out that the runnin Reb did play, but no differently than in the three previous games, gaining 56 yards on 13 carries.

"Ole" must be Spanish for "miss," because people say it whenever the bull misses its target. So they are putting the word "Miss" on their helmets in both Spanish and English, just like those "Entrar Enter" signs at Lowe's.

The Czar figured that the last time he went there to buy some Fumar. Wouldn't you know it? They were all out.

LSU 34, Ole Miss 24

Clemson at Syracuse

This is the point in the season when there are always a lot of surprising teams at 4-0, not many of whom will make it to 5-0. The Orange scored a pretty good win over Army, 29-16, but that effort won't be good enough in their next three games against Clemson, North Carolina and Florida State.

SU is reputedly a tough opponent for the Tigers, although they've only won one game out of ten since these teams have been ACC rivals. A year ago, it was against the Cuse that Son of Clem quarterback D.J. Uiagalelei was benched in favor of freshman Cade Klubnik, eventually prompting the former to transfer to Oregon State. It was running back Will Shipley who pulled the Paw Boys' posterior out of the fire, scoring two TDs while rushing for 172 yards, and adding another 17 yards on three receptions.

The Tigers are surely disappointed to have two losses already, but last week's overtime slugfest against Florida State didn't nearly resemble their Labor Day debacle at Duke. Against FSU, they were the statistically better team except for two plays: a Klubnik fumble that was returned 56 yards for a TD to tie the game, and then a missed Jonathan Weitz 29-yard field goal attempt with less than two minutes remaining in regulation time.

It's a wonder that Labor Day has not yet been abolished by the younger members of the work force. Labor? That sounds too much like hard work. Like, without spa breaks, or free sushi, or massage chairs, or anything!

Clemson 27, Syracuse 10

Kansas at Texas

The College Football Czar told himself he was going to stop picking against the Jayhawks after they downed Brigham Young 38-27 last Saturday. Well, maybe next week. The KU-KU pigeon sisters have never knocked off a Longhorn team that finished the year with a non-losing record, and they aren't likely to start against one that has already beaten Alabama.

It looks like the pointy cows have finally picked a new running back to follow current Falcon Bijan Robinson. Sophomore Jonathon Brooks is coming off two consecutive 100-yard games, with a total of 379 through four games. A week ago, he opened the scoring with a 40-yard touchdown, as he and the Horns took control early in a 38-6 stomping of Baylor.

It is said that everything is bigger in Texas, but in Kansas they have those big, badass sunflowers that would totally beat the snot out of those little, wussy flowers they grow in the Lone Star State. Guess that'll show 'em.

Texas 41, Kansas 23

Troy at Georgia State

The defending Sun Belt conference champion Trojans (2-2, 0-1) try to get back into contention against the undefeated Panthers. Last week against Conference USA powerhouse Western Kentucky, TSU allowed only one yard per carry in a 27-24 victory.

They've got plenty of reason to root, root, root for the home team in the former Turner Field, where GSU returns after a convincing 30-17 Thursday night road win on the teal turf of Coastal Carollina. Senior running back Marcus Carroll fa-la-la'd his way for 150 yards, including a touchdown to put the game out of reach early in the fourth quarter. Well, all right, he ran a lot manlier than that, but the outcome was the same.

Three roots? That's a lot of root. No need to include any in the beer, then.

Georgia State 28, Troy 18

Florida at Kentucky

If these are the two closest contenders to Georgia in the SEC West, then the two-time defending national champions have got little to worry about. A week after taking out Tennessee, the Gators did not have a lot left, in a 22-7 snooze against Charlotte.

UK may be 4-0, but against UK-cky opponents Ball State, Eastern Kentucky (I-AA), Akron and Vanderbilt. Last week against the Commodores, they scored twice on interception returns to win an otherwise even game, 45-28.

This has not been just another season of reruns for Ethel Mertz. Well, most of the story line remains familiar, except that the fifth-year senior has gone three consecutive starts without an interception for only the second time in his career. That previous stretch came at a time at Wisconsin when the Badgers simply didn't throw the ball. Mertz only put the ball up eight times in one of those games, even though he played every offensive series. This time, he's done it while attempting over 21 passes per game.

Ethel Mertz really isn't worth your bother to look up. Suffice it to say, she was the unfunniest sitcom sidekick of the pre-Judith Light era, for those of you who know who that is.

Florida 22, Kentucky 16

San Diego State at Air Force

These teams met in the 2022 regular season finale, in which the Lightning Eleven kept the SDSU offense in a bottle, yielding only 187 total yards while forcing three turnovers in a 13-3 victory. The AFA offensive personnel have changed a lot since then, but the defense has not.

Last Friday night, the Falcons feasted on San Jose Onasteek, 45-20. Their ground game gobbled up the clock in the second half, which it opened with an eight and a half minute touchdown drive. After forcing a three-and-out, they marched for seven more minutes and another score.

Granted, the Aztecs have played some quality opponents (UCLA, Oregon St., Boise St.), but they've lost to all three. Subtract a cheap and not very convincing win against Division I-AA Idaho State, and their Week Zero opener, which they won after injuring Ohio's starting QB, is all they've got to go on.

The Falcons play their home games in Colorado Springs, which is so named because it is where people get stoned and play with Slinkys all day ("Who-o-o-oah!")

Air Force 17, San Diego State 7

Houston at Texas Tech

Red Raider QB Tyler Shough (rhymes with bad luck) suffered his latest injury in the first quarter at West Virginia, and the broken fibula has probably ended his season. Without him, the Tech offense was stopped 11 yards short of the tying score in a devastating 20-13 defeat. It would be nice to be able to say backup Behren Morton just had an inexplicably bad day by going 13-for-37 and it wouldn't likely happen again, but unfortunately that's not the case. Just before last Halloween, Morton went 11-for-34 with three interceptions, as his team got carved up by Baylor, 45-17.

UH halted an ugly two-game skid by beating neighboring neophyte Sam Houston 38-7, outgaining the Division I-AA newcomers 538-178. The Cougar ground game, which carried them through that game, only registered 1.5 yards per carry a week earlier, in a lopsided 36-13 loss to TCU.

The Raiders have taken 10 of the last 11 from their old Southwest Conference rivals, including a 33-30 decision last year in double-overtime. Donovan Smith, who started at QB in place of an injured Shough for Tech that day, is now at Planet Hooston, where he has already taken off for more than 1,000 yards this season.

Lubbock is the birthplace of the late Mac Davis, the famed country songwriter and sort-of-an-actor, who played the quarterback in North Dallas Forty. That movie was a semi-autobiographical account written by former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Peter Gent. That means Davis' role was that of Dandy Don Meredith, with Nick Nolte playing Gent. The Czar can't think of anything amusing to say about this game, so he'll just quote Dandy Don's reaction to the movie: "If I'd known Gent was as good as he says he was, I would have thrown to him more."

Houston 30, Texas Tech 19

South Carolina at Tennessee

The Gamecocks almost got more of a game than they could handle against Mississippi State. They never trailed, but neither did they ever take control, in a 37-30 thtruggle. Senior wide receiver Xavier Legette legged it out for a career-high 189 yards and two touchdowns, on only five receptions. Through four games, Legette has pulled down 27 passes for 556 yards to lead the nation, 12 yards ahead of Washington WR Rome Odunze.

Going into the season, the Volunteers were considered to be conference contenders, but they've already absorbed an unexpected loss to Florida, and over the next month they must face SC, Texas A&M, Alabama and Kentucky. The preseason expectation that their November game against Georgia would be a blockbuster is starting to sound a bit silly by now.

It turns out the Cocks of the walk don't run very well. Shane Beamer's team ranks dead last in the SEC and seventh-worst in the nation in rushing, with only 303 yards in four games, and a per-carry average of 2.3. The Vols, meanwhile, are only allowing a half-yard per carry more than that.

Q: What is a coxcomb?

A: The official team comb of South Carolina. Every college football team has got one. Exactly.

Tennessee 15, South Carolina 9

La.-Lafayette at Minnesota

The Golden Gophers gnawed a great big hole in their own boat, by blowing a three-touchdown fourth-quarter lead against a completely nonthreatening Northwestern team. The radiant rodents have the toughest schedule in the Big Ten West, with cross-divisional games against Michigan and Ohio State. They cannot afford another incident of self-sabotage.

Ragin Cajun QB Ben Woolridge is out "for the foreseeable future" after suffering a leg injury against UAB two weeks ago. His team nevertheless buried the Blazers 41-21, and then beat Buffalo 45-38, in spite of inconsistent play from new starter Zeon Chriss.

The College Football Czar has had enough of all of this whiny "toxic culture" jazz, and an independent investigation has basically cleared Gopher coach P.J. Fleck from allegations of mistreating injured players. When former players describe Fleck's "Row the Boat" penchant for annoying motivational devices as a cult, however, that just rings too true. Some ex-Gophers told Front Office Sports that they were ordered to applaud whenever Fleck entered the locker room, and if he did not find their ovation satisfactory, he would walk out, and back in again. Whenever he or one of his assistants asks a player, "How are you?" the answer must be, "I'm elite." Players complained that he gave them a booklet of psychobabble phrases and acronyms, and then tested them on it, at the same time that they were trying to learn the playbook. No matter how well a guy knows his position, he'd better remember that F.E.A.R. stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real," for example.

Now, the coach complains that he is losing much of his best talent because there aren't enough NIL funds (whatever he thinks "NIL" means). Perhaps he should consider that they're just fleeing him and his incessant self-help crackpottery.

Fleck will probably manage to beat this undermanned ULL team, but he is not elite. That is, not unless "E.L.I.T.E." means "Egomaniacal Lardhead In The Extreme."

ULL just stands for the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. How boring.

Minnesota 45, La.-Lafayette 41

South Florida at Navy

Rookie USF coach Alex Golesh got his feet wet in American Athletic Conference play with a 42-29 victory over Rice. Freshman bomber Byrum Brown unloaded on the Owls for 435 passing yards, and another 82 on the ground.

When the Midshipmen are winning, they don't like to throw the ball much, so even if you didn't know they lost to Memphis in Week 3, you could have guessed from the fact that QB Tai Lavatai went 10-for-19. It was the third time in three seasons that he completed ten or more passes, and all three ended in defeat.

Also in Week 3, the Bulls exchanged bruises with Alabama in a slugfest that signaled a team on the upswing, even though they were stopped by a score of 17-3. The doorknocker-heads couldn't beat down the Bama defense, but they held Crimson Tide QBs Tyler Buchner and Ty Simpson to a combined total of 107 passing yards.

You heard that right. Rice is now in the AAC. Cincinnati, Houston and Central Florida are not. So much for the "power six." The teams remaining in this league will just have to six manually from now on.

South Florida 16, Navy 10

Boise State at Memphis

Bronco running back Ashton Jeanty kicked a ton of ash against San Diego State last Friday, when he ran for 205 yards and two touchdowns, caught four passes for 49 yards, and recovered the onside kick that sealed the 34-31 victory. Jeanty is one of those "little" running backs in the mold of Joe Morris. He's short enough that he can appear out of nowhere from behind his offensive line, but he has got enough bulk to carry the load.

The BSU coaches finally tried to get quarterback Taylen Green's running game going, but to little effect, as he gained only 25 yards on 11 carries against SDSU. Green has barely completed a majority of his passes this year, and has as many interceptions (4) as touchdown passes. There has been no suggestion that his starting job might be in danger, even though freshman Maddux Madsen has shown promise in three brief appearances. Madsen hails from that now-famous college football hotbed of American Fork, Utah, which is fast becoming the Stone Mountain, Georgia of the West.

The Tigers lost a tough neutral-site game to Missouri, 34-27, at what is now called The Dome at America's Center, which sounds like something out of a Jules Verne novel. It's really just that grim indoor stadium where the St. Louis Rams used to play. The nasty indoor artificial surface, similar to the one the Tampa Bay Rays used to play on, looks as if it suffers from some kind of dermatological disorder. The lack of tackling in last week's game may have been because both of the Tiger teams were afraid of getting the mange.

Memphis 38, Boise State 33

South Alabama at James Madison

The husband of Dolly Madison may have feasted on cupcake Bucknell in this year's opener, but he has since fired off a series of zingers, with consecutive road victories over Virginia, Troy and Utah State. Against USU, however, the Dukes squandered a 24-point advantage. Even after regaining the advantage on a 74-yard catch and run by WR Reggie Brown, they still had to hold on to their tenuous 45-38 lead by coming up with a late goal-line interception.

The Jaguars returned home to Mobile after an emphatic 33-7 victory at Oklahoma State, only to let down in a 34-30 loss to Central Florida. In an otherwise even game, each team went for it once on fourth down, and the Jags' attempt was unsuccessful. So which is the real SA team? Based on their track record under third-year coach Kane Wommack, the Czar believes it's the one that stunned Stillwater two weeks ago.

What a typical couch potato preview this has been for the College Football Czar. While discussing a team that's named after the father of the Constitution, all he can come up with are snack cake references.

South Alabama 27, James Madison 26

The College Football Czar

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