The Original College Football Czar

Week 5

Week four in review: Remember what the College Football Czar said about it being premature to write off Clemson from the CFP? Never mind. The Czar has gone on at length about coach Dabo Swinney's peculiar indifference to his decaying ground game, but it was his defense that let the Tigers down in a devastating home loss to Syracuse. Other prospective playoff contenders that suffered very damaging losses were Illinois, Tulane, Arizona State and SMU.

There has been another firing since last week's games, and this time it's a big one. The conspicuous noggin of Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy has gone rolling, which means the varmint that had taken up residence upon it had better jump off before it gets run over. The 20-year Cowboy coach, who is still only 58 years old, has compiled a stellar record of 170-90, and narrowly missed a chance to play for the 2011 BCS championship, finishing with a record of 12-1. He has reached double digits in wins eight times in his career, most recently in 2023. Although his teams have gone 4-11 since then, his dismissal might seem more than a little hasty, even though that record includes an historic 69-3 debacle against Oregon in Week 2, followed by a terrible loss to Tulsa last Friday. Worse than the results is the resignation to defeat that he actually expressed out loud leading up to the UO game, and which is reflected by his team's visible lack of effort on the field.

UAB safety Sirad Bryant has thrown his hat in the ring for the Lardhead of the Year Award, by stomping on the foot of Tennessee kicker Max Gilbert after an extra point. The video suggests that he thought he was getting away with something, even though all major college games are (sort of) televised anymore, and he did it within the field of play, with two officials standing just a few feet from him. If the senior defensive back, whose unit was burned for three touchdowns in the 56-24 romp, wanted to stop Gilbert from kicking any more conversions, he might have tried harder to prevent the touchdowns from being scored in the first place. In addition to the 15-yard penalty that was assessed, Bryant is now awaiting punishment from the NCAA and/or Blazer head coach Trent Dilfer.

The Czar finished the week with a record of 12-6. After three pretty good weeks and one very not one, he is 47-33 on the season, for a .588 winning percentage.

Sept. 26

Florida State at Virginia

Seminole QB Tommy Castellanos says he's okay after limping off the field in the second quarter last week. It was just that his team didn't need him in the second half of a 66-10 trampling of Kent State. FSU rushed the ball for 498 yards and eight touchdowns, five of those in the first quarter alone.

Trell is performing without Archie Bell, which is why he shows no signs of tightening up. Senior UVa wide receiver Trell Harris had a career-high 145 yards against Stanford last week, on only four catches. Not only was it the first time he scored three TDs in a game, but he did it all in the first quarter, as the Cavaliers coasted to a 48-20 victory.

This series has become a casualty of conference expansion, with only one game between these teams in the past decade, that being a 31-24 win for the Cavs in 2019. That situation should improve starting next season, when the ACC expands its league schedule to nine games, just like the other power conferences. The College Football Czar hates to see the interesting nonconference games fade away, but realistically, that has already happened. Maybe the September schedule won't be so weak if Virginia is playing FSU again next year, instead of William & Mary.

Of course, the name of Archie Bell's band was the Drells. The Czar doesn't know what Drells are, but he's guessing that they're kind of like the Four Tops, only Jewish.

Virginia 31, Florida State 28

TCU at Arizona State

The Sun Devils appear to have put their placekicking problems behind them. A year after holding open tryouts during the season, coach Kenny Dillingham has put his trust in Jesus Gomez, a transfer from Eastern Michigan who has hit nine of ten field goals so far this season. Last Saturday in Waco, he booted a last-second 43-yarder to lift ASU to a conference opening 27-24 victory over Baylor.

Texas Christian took back the Iron Skillet with a 35-24 win over visiting rival SMU, in which junior QB Josh Hoover threw for five touchdowns and 379 yards. Now that they've got the skillet for keeps, the series having ended for the foreseeable future, what do you suppose it is that Horned Frogs would cook in it? Home flies?

Sometime in 2023, somebody sneaked in and changed Sun Devil Stadium to Mountain American Stadium. The College Football Czar, for one, liked it the other way a lot better. Mountain American sounds like the name of a really weenie conference whose games would be broadcast on Ion.

Has Jesus been demoted from touchdowns to field goals? When he comes back, he's not going to be too pleased about that.

TCU 30, Arizona State 23

Sept. 27

Louisville at Pitt

The Panthers' Week 3 loss at West Virginia was the kind of an ugly game that analysts sometimes refer to as a "rock fight." That's not quite accurate, though, because at least hitting somebody with a rock takes a certain amount of skill. WVU did almost everything wrong, and still defeated Pat Narduzzi's team, 31-24 in overtime. The Panther ground game was nonexistent after Desmond Reid hobbled off the field. QB Eli Holstein threw one of his signature end zone interceptions. The OL gave up six sacks and otherwise got bullied all day long. The defense collapsed midway through the fourth quarter, helping the team blow a ten-point lead after having trailed by eleven. As a team, they committed 14 penalties for 118 yards. On both defense and offense, they played in OT as if they just wanted to get it over with. The College Football Czar would say it doesn't get any worse than that, except that he knows it might.

Last time the Cardinals came to Acrisure Stadium, it seemed like a certainty that they would depart with a W, but injured running back Jawhar Jordan couldn't risk his hamstring in the rain. That, combined with a minus-3 turnover margin, led to the biggest upset in ACC play in 2023, as the Panthers pulled away 38-21. Once again, their RBs are banged up, although they still had enough depth in their backfield to beat Bowling Green, 40-17.

A year ago in Derby City, Red Rage ran all over Pat Narduzzi's team, which failed to place, show, or even also-run. Rushing yards (214-75) was but one of many metrics by which the Cards had a decisive advantage in the 37-9 runaway.

The Cardinals never use their "Red Rage" slogan anymore, and in this age of "mental health awareness," it's no wonder. But is it really necessary to be sensitive toward absolutely everybody? The Czar is not so sure it's a good idea for chronically angry people to have self-esteem.

Louisville 28, Pitt 10

Oregon at Penn State

One of the greatest and most meaningless games of the 2024 season was the webfoots' 45-37 triumph over PSU in the Big Ten championship game in Indianapolis. Their reward was a playoff rematch with an Ohio State team they had narrowly upset in the regular season, whereas James Franklin's runners-up got to stroll into the national semifinals.

An idle week is typically seen as an advantage, but there's a danger in it for the Nittany Lions, in that they just might not be ready for their first challenge of the season. Having easily brushed aside Nevada, Florida International and Division I-AA Villanova before getting a week off, they face a Fighting Duck team that is close to being in midseason form.

The Ducks are 2-0 against OSU this season, which sounds pretty impressive until you realize that it refers to Oklahoma State and Oregon State. They don't really want to revisit their previous OSU game from last year's playoff, although they probably should at least watch the first half, since they completely missed it first time around.

If it's a big game at Beaver Stadium, it must be a whiteout. At UO, they can't really have an anythingout, because they hardly even have team colors anymore. For last week's 41-7 rout of the rival Beavers, they wore "anthracite" uniforms. How many people in Eugene happen to have anthracite clothing to wear to an anthraciteout? And would any such people be interested in football anyway?

Penn State 31, Oregon 27

Utah at West Virginia

If there were really such thing as a "running back room," whoever is left in it for WVU would be listening to himself echo at this point. Tye Edwards, who had stepped in to rush for 141 yards against Pitt, unexpectedly missed last week's lopsided 41-10 loss to Kansas with an undisclosed injury. The team's leading ground-gainer was second-string quarterback Jaylen Henderson, who tallied 79 yards and a touchdown on seven carries. If his team remains this shorthanded at the tailback position, expect Henderson to get the nod at QB over the comparatively immobile Nicco Marchiol.

Last week's 34-10 drubbing by Texas Tech put a damper on what had been a good start for Ute quarterback Devon Dampier. The former New and Improved Mexican had been taking better care of the ball this year until that two-INT, 162-yard performance, in which he also hit a career-low in rushing with only 2.5 yards per carry.

The visitors from the Wasatch Mountains might not be too impressed with the scenery in the Mountain State, but just wait until they see West Virginia's version of the Grand Canyon. It's filled with real cans!

Utah 32, West Virginia 18

Alabama at Georgia

The elephant would rather forget Alabama's shocking 31-17 opening loss to Florida State, in which it let opposing quarterback Tommy Castellanos play the role of brash Bama alumnus Joe Namath. It might have helped that memory fade when the Crimson Tide waylaid Wisconsin, 38-14, but then that same Badger team got blown off its own field by Maryland. Now, the College Football Czar looks back at Bama's one-dimensional offensive performance against UW, in which QB Ty Simpson led the team in rushing with 25 yards, and wonders how this team is going to sustain a drive against UGA between the hedges.

Just as Castellanos got all the credit for the upset when he was not really that much of a factor, the legend of Joe Namath in Super Bowl III has been wildly inflated. He certainly put in a competent performance, going 17-of-28 for 206 yards, but he threw no TD passes in a game whose final score was 16-7. Was there nobody on the Jets defense who was more deserving of the MVP?

At 3-0 with an overtime road victory over Tennessee, Bulldog coach Kirby Smart seems to be a lot more dissatisfied with his team's performance than Kalen DeBoer is with the Tide. If he's still stewing over having given up three first-quarter touchdowns to the Volunteers, perhaps that's because his team started the same way last year against the pachyderms. That day in Tuscaloosa, the Dogs were unable to dig their way out, as they drove to the 20-yard-line late in the game, but turned the ball over and lost, 41-34.

If it's really true that an elephant never forgets, why does it always have that "why did I just walk into this room" look on its face?

Georgia 39, Alabama 21

Notre Dame at Arkansas

The Fighting Irish are finally in the win-column, but a 56-30 final against overmatched intrastate foe Purdue doesn't do much to turn their season around. If they can escape this SEC opponent on the road, however, they have a chance to climb the rankings in home games against Boise State, Nc State and USC.

Near the end of the Razorbacks' 32-31 choke in Memphis, their defense failed to hold backup Tiger QB Arrington Maiden to fewer than eight yards on a straight run up the middle. It was the most pathetic effort that the College Football Czar saw all day long, and that includes a 79-year-old Neil Young attempting to perform at Farm Aid. Maiden was forced into the game after Brendon Lewis' helmet had come off during the previous play. Defensive tackle Ian Geffrard had his arms wrapped around his much smaller opponent, and just ran along with him past the first-down marker, when he should have been able to complete the tackle just by falling down.

For some reason or other, Farm Aid was being broadcast on CNN. The Czar only happened into it as he was channel-surfing, as we used to say back in the Paleozoic Era. Anymore, nobody ever intentionally watches CNN, which has become infamous as the network that continues to value the opinion of Jeffrey Toobin. Just be glad that he's not watching you.

Notre Dame 30, Arkansas 27

LSU at Ole Miss

The Rebels sit atop the league standings at 2-0, but those two conference victories have come against Kentucky by seven points and Arkansas by six. Their next three SEC games are against opponents (LSU, Georgia, Oklahoma) who are currently in the Top Ten.

Tiger running back Caden Durham will probably be able to play after injuring an ankle in a pointless 56-10 pounding of Division I-AA Southeastern Louisiana. If they have to take the field without him, they will have to be effective in rotating undersized freshman Harlem Berry with bulldozing 235-lb. junior Kaleb Jackson.

Last year in Baton Rouge, the Bayou Bengals eliminated the Rebs from the SEC race for all practical purposes, by handing them their second loss in league play. Garrett Nussmeier threw the last of his three TD passes in overtime, to pull out a 29-26 squeaker.

This rivalry has been named the Magnolia Bowl, after the state flower of both Louisiana and Mississippi. Good thing they didn't call it the Steel Magnolias Bowl, because then nothing would happen in it. The Czar only knows that movie by reputation, of course. He just read a synopsis of it while researching for this week's picks, and it sounds like a two-hour Andrea Martin-Catherine O'Hara SCTV sketch lampooning feminism, except that it's serious. Even watching Farm Aid would be a less torturous waste of one's time.

LSU 29, Ole Miss 24

USC at Illinois

Last Saturday night in Bloomington, the #9 Fighting Illini fared about as well at the I-test as Larry and Shemp. At least temporary blindness as the result of a vicious Moe-poking might have been an excuse for the utterly uncompetitive 63-10 loss to Indiana. Bret Bielema's bunch went 1-for-10 on third down conversions, and never even left themselves in a reasonable position to go for it on fourth.

In the Trojans' first season of Big Ten play, they didn't handle the long road trips very well, losing at Michigan, Minnesota and Maryland. Two weeks after a 33-17 win at Purdue, another Midwestern road victory would pretty well put that behind them. In their most recent game, at home in Los Angeles, wide receiver Makai Lemon out of lemonade, or however that goes. Anyway, he caught eight passes for 127 yards and a touchdown to defeat Michigan State, 45-31.

If the Illini play anything like they did last week, Southern Cal will go through Champaign like Zsa Zsa Gabor. You thought the College Football Czar was going to recycle his old Liz Taylor gag again, didn't you? If they were still with us today, Liz and Zsa Zsa could marry each other. A cobra-mongoose matchup like that would probably draw more spectators than this game.

USC 35, Illinois 16

Auburn at Texas A&M

There are so many conference opponents you don't play these days that not everybody in the SEC plays that tough a schedule. The Tigers are one team that's really got to run the gauntlet, however. One week after a bruising 24-17 defeat at Oklahoma, they have to go to College Station to take on the Conjunction Boys, before returning home for games against Georgia and Missouri.

Even after an idle week, the ampersanders have got to be amped up after an unlikely 41-40 victory at Notre Dame Stadium, which avenged last season's home-opening disappointment. Sophomore scrambler Marcel Reid found tight end Nate Boerkircher in the end zone to convert a fourth-and-goal with only 13 seconds remaining. (Notice that the College Football Czar did not refer to Boerkircher as "the big tight end." He's the tight end. Tight ends are big. Those are the rules.)

In last week's loss to the Sooners, AU running back Jeremiah Cobb gained 61 yards on only six carries, before leaving the game with what is being described as a "hip stinger," which sounds like the title of a mid-80s Ted Nugent album. He and his 7.2 yard-per-carry average are expected to return this week.

Why do we need a symbol to stand in for the word "and" anyway? Did "and" threaten to sue for name, image and likeness compensation? Perhaps we should just be glad we don't also have a symbol for "but."

Auburn 33, Texas A&M 28

Ohio State at Washington

It's a good thing the Huskies won the Apple Cup last week, because they're about to take a shot in the apples from the top-ranked lumpy nuts. Last week in Pullman, UW poured it on rival Washington State by a final of 59-24, but it had only been a 31-24 game through three quarters.

The Buckeyes' last game, a 37-9 win over Ohio University two weeks ago, was reportedly not one for the time capsule, either. Luckily, nobody saw it, because it was only on Peacock. Kind of ironic that a streaming service named after a bird that makes a spectacle of itself would rarely be seen.

Freshman running back Bo Jackson (no relation to Bo Jackson) led the team with 109 yards on only nine carries. Jackson's given name is Lamar, which suggests that he would prefer to identify with the two-sport legend from Auburn than with the two-time MVP quarterback. That must be either because he plays the same position as the original Bo, or because he hates the Baltimore Ravens, just like everyone else.

If you agree we should be glad there is no "but" symbol, just consider us even luckier that the lumpy nuts don't have a helmet logo.

Ohio State 26, Washington 10

Tennessee at Mississippi State

Between these two teams, it is surprisingly MSU that is 4-0, after the mud puppies marched past Northern Illinois, 38-10. Of course, it makes a difference that they are the team that has not yet run into Georgia. On the other hand, they did upend Arizona State, one of last year's playoff teams, 24-20 in Week 2.

The Volunteers continued to not miss their quarterback of the future in a 56-24 romp over UAB that was not even as close as the final score. Joey Aguilar threw for 218 yards and three scores before being pulled early in the third quarter. For the season, he's got as many interceptions as Nico Iamaleava has at UCLA (3), while quadrupling his TD output (12-3).

Q: Why do the fans in Starkville love to ring cowbells?

A: Whatever turns them on.

Tennessee 49, Mississippi State 31

Indiana at Iowa

The College Football Czar was skeptical that the Hoosiers would be nearly as proficient on either side of the ball once they ran up against some serious competition, but they handled a top-ten Illinois team about as easily as they did the Division I-AA Indiana State Fighting Sycamores. Curt Cignetti's club clobbered the visiting Illini in every facet of the game, outgaining them by a total of 579-161.

There's no "O" in "Hawkeyes," a condition they have tried to address this year by acquiring QB Mark Gronowski through the portal from South Dakota State. Even in a 38-28 win over Rutgers, they were outgained by the Scarlet Knights, but scored one TD on a kickoff return, and set up another on a short field with an interception.

Coach Kirk Ferentz would be happy to tell you there's no "I" in "Hawkeyes," either. However, there is one, obviously, in "Iowa." Some linguists would categorize "W" as a vowel when it is part of a diphthong, which would mean the word "Iowa" is completely devoid of consonants. If Iowa and Lllvllll ever clashed on the gridiron, like those colliding dorks in the old Reese's commercials, they might create one entire, legitimate word.

Speaking of words, the College Football Czar doesn't get nearly enough use out of the word "diphthong." He should consider dispensing "Diphthong of the Year Awards," so that lardheads will think they're being insulted, when they're not. The only thing more amusing than a lardhead is a lardhead who is angry without knowing why.

Indiana 23, Iowa 9

Kentucky at South Carolina

If it were true that the best defense is a good offense, then the Carolina quarterback would be awarded LaNorris Trophy. It isn't, unfortunately for the Gamecocks. LaNorris Sellers' 302 passing yards were not enough to prevent Missouri from holding the ball for most of the third quarter of a 29-20 setback.

The Wildcats made a change at quarterback last week, giving Cutter Boley the start, not just because he has the requisite two last names, but because Zach Calzada had only been completing 47.2 percent of his passes. Boley, a redshirt freshman, completed 12 of 21 for 240 yards and two TDs in his first start, a 48-23 win over Eastern Michigan.

Can you imagine both parents agreeing to name their son Cutter? Whichever one suggested it, you'd think the other would try to sleep with one eye open for the duration of the marriage.

Kentucky 24, South Carolina 21

Brigham Young at Colorado

When the Buffaloes tied for first place in the Big XII in 2024, that accomplishment was tempered by the fact that there were three other teams who had matched their 7-2 conference mark, and they had not had to play any of them in the regular season. Finally, in a rare bowl matchup between teams from the same league, the Alamo Bowl invited CU to play these Cougars, who summarily thrashed them, 36-14.

Kaidon Salter showed why he was the starting quarterback on opening day, as he calmly tossed around 30-yarders as if they were paper airplanes, in a 37-20 win against Wyoming. He had been benched in favor of scrappy sophomore Ryan Staub, who had trouble handling the pressure a week earlier, in a Friday night loss to Houston.

In the Cougars' 34-13 thumping of East Carolina, running back L.J. Martin led the way with 101 yards and a touchdown on 14 carries. Mr. J. is not to be confused with LL Cool J. For one thing, he must be cooler, because he does not feel the need to tell us so. Obviously, LL only found it necessary to put the word "Cool" in his name to create a facade, in order to cover up his knowledge of his own lack of coolness. CF Witty Z would never lie to you about a thing like that.

Brigham Young 33, Colorado 25

Duke at Syracuse

The SU celebrations after last week's 34-21 win at Clemson were somewhat subdued, with the knowledge that the Orange had lost starting quarterback Steve Angeli for the season to an Achilles injury. Sophomore Rickie (yes, that's with an "ie") Collins got the call for the remainder of the game, during which he threw a touchdown pass while going 3-for-8.

In Week 2, the Blue Devils went minus-5 in turnovers in a 45-19 loss to Illinois, but in their ACC opener two weeks later, they forced the game's only four conventional turnovers, in addition to its only three turnovers on downs, to beat intrastate rival Nc State, 45-33.

More interesting than the game will be the moment at which the mascots meet on the field, because the Orange man and the devil will appear together. This will surprise that half of the audience that is convinced they are one and the same.

Duke 37. Syracuse 22

Rice at Navy

Early last November, the Midshipmen had their CFP hopes dashed in a 24-10 American Conference defeat against these Owls. Well, maybe not these Owls, since quarterback E.J. Warner transferred to Fresno State during the offseason, and leading rusher Dean Connors to crosstown rival Houston.

This Owl team evened its American Conference record at 1-1 last Thursday night in Charlotte, when they dusted the Pick-C's, 28-17. Quarterback Chase Jenkins joined RBs Quinton Jackson and Daelen Alexander in rushing for more than 70 yards each.

Senior wide receiver Eli Heidenreich has become the goat-to guy for the Naval Academy, even though he gets fewer than half as many receptions as he does rushing attempts. Through three games, he's got 126 receiving yards and another 209 on the ground, with a total of four touchdowns.

This challenge breaks up the doldrums for the Midshipmen, whose season doesn't start in earnest until the second half, against North Texas, Notre Dame, South Florida, Memphis and Army. How there can possibly be enough room in Earnest for all of that is rather astounding. He must be one extraordinary galoot.

Navy 23, Rice 13

San Diego State at Northern Illinois

The greatest tale of the unexpected in Week 4 was that the Aztecs beat the boogers out of the Cal Bears in one of the last games of the night. The 34-0 knockaround was the team's first shutout of a Division I-A opponent since 2016 (55-0 over Hawaii), as well as its highest score against a I-A team in almost two years, and first victory over a major conference team since beating a beyond bad Arizona bunch in 2021.

When this Huskie (with an "ie") team beat Notre Dame early last year, it was a huge upset, but it wasn't some kind of freak accident. Thomas Hammock's team had its ups and downs in 2024, but it hung in there to finish with a winning record, defeating Fresno State in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. By the way, the Huskie mascot is not named Rickie. The College Football Czar could tell you were curious.

The starting quarterback for NIU is Josh Holst. If his teammates have not thought to nickname the sophomore slinger The Holster, they're really lame. The way sports nicknames tend to go, they've probably lazily settled for Holsty, or even worse, J-Ho. Seriously, even Joshie would be preferable.

By the time the Huskies arrive in the Mountain West Conference next season, the Aztecs will have departed for the Pac 12, which can only mean one thing. They're ascared!

Northern Illinois 17, San Diego State 10

Central Florida at Kansas State

K-State has had a badly needed week off, since falling to 1-3 with a 23-17 loss at Arizona. Running back Dylan Edwards played sparingly in that game, for the first time since injuring an ankle early in the season opener. This should be his first full game since he dashed for 196 yards and two TDs in the Rate Bowl (an even worse name than Holsty) against Rutgers.

The Knights notched a 34-9 win over North Carolina, after which coach Scott Frost took umbrage at UNC skipper Bill Belicheck for referring to his team as "Central." Frost complained that his team had been "disrespected," and demanded, "We're not Central Florida. We're UCF." He might as well have added, "Keep my school's name out your #@$%*&! mouth."

Gosh. The College Football Czar had no idea it was disrespectful to refer to UCF as Central Florida. He never meant to insult the university, and especially Coach Frost, by calling it Central Florida instead of UCF. He has probably been mistaken in thinking UCF stood for the University of Central Florida, when it probably means Unlardheaded Coach Frost instead. The Czar will certainly be sure to select his words more carefully from now on, as should we all.

Kansas State 20, Central Florida 14

The College Football Czar

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