The Original College Football Czar

Week 4

 

 

Week three in review: Well, that'll teach the College Football Czar not to brag about his previous week's accuracy. He started with a record of 0-3 on Friday night, and things got progressively worse from there as he finished at 7-12 for the week. Hopefully, these stupid, disobedient games will be a little more agreeable this week.

After only three weeks, we have our first coaching casualties of the season, with Virginia Tech dismissing Brent Pry after a 45-26 loss to Old Dominion dropped the Gobblers to 0-3, and DeShaun Foster getting let go by UCLA after his Bruins were manhandled by New and Improved Mexico. Pry leaves Blacksburg with a career record of 16-24. Foster had barely started his second season in Pasadena, with a record of 5-10, but the dramatic elevation of the former running backs coach had been a bit of a reach in the first place. Now that the program has invested, perhaps unwisely, in a $4 million-a-year Nico, a greater sense of urgency has set in.

The wussification of football, sports and society in general shows no signs of slowing down, the Czar regrets to report. In particular, he made the following three observations during Week 3:

* Football Wussy Alert #1: Several of last Saturday's late-afternoon games were put on hold for hours, supposedly for lightning delays. By rule, a game may resume once there have been no lightning strikes within eight miles of the stadium for 30 minutes. This needs to be made mandatory, because what is happening now is that after the initial lightning delay, the game is being held up until the entire weather system has passed. This is unjustifiable. If the restarting of games is going to be put off just because of heavy rains, then why is lightning necessary in the first place? Why not just have rain delays in football, like there are in baseball? There's no logical reason not to at this point, except that it isn't the way the game is meant to be played, and how many of us care about that anymore?

* Football Wussy Alert #2: One side of the South Alabama helmets that were worn last week had the words "South Alabama" on them, not in the kind of bold script as in a traditional helmet logo like UCLA, Pitt or Ole Miss, but in a fine, ladylike font that is borderline calligraphy. Yo've probably seen this passive, feminine script on the helmets of other small conference teams in recent years, like Miami Ohio and Akron, and thought that it must be taking a psychological toll on the team. Nobody is going to feel tough while wearing a wedding invitation on his head. It's a wonder old-time Iowa coach and head-game grandmaster Haden Fry never papered the visitors' locker room with this stuff.

* Football Wussy Alert #3: Notre Dame has introduced a new leprechaun logo this year, apparently designed to take the fight out of the Fighting Irish. Instead of putting up his dukes, the new leprechaun is carrying a football, although he does not appear to be running downfield with it. Instead, it looks like he's angrily walking away. If the idea was to placate anyone who was offended that the Irish would be stereotyped as belligerent, somebody should explain to the hypersensitive school officials that George Carlin was only joking when he complained about that. Is it any wonder that the team is underachieving so far this season? Whereas the traditional leprechaun was poised for pugilism, this new one is taking his ball and going home.

For the season, the College Football Czar's record is now 35-27, for a .565 winning percentage.

Sept. 19

Iowa at Rutgers

We're told that Kirk Ferentz just became the winningest coach in Big Ten history, but how is that being counted? The great Amos Alonzo Stagg coached the University of Chicago for most of its years as a member of this same conference, during which time he collected 232 victories, as opposed to Ferentz's 206. Are they subtracting all of Stagg's victories from the years before the league renamed itself the Big Ten? If so, that's really cheap. The league that began as the Intercollegiate Conference of Faculty Representatives, and then was known for a time as the Western Conference, was the same entity that is now called the Big Ten. A couple rebrandings don't change what the man accomplished.

If Ferentz hangs in there for three more years, he might end up breaking the record legitimately. If he does that, hopefully it will be in a conference game against a traditional rival like Minnesota, and not a nonconference 47-7 mugging of Umass, which is what happened a week ago. Even considering the level of competition, it was an impressive performance. The Hawkeyes did not allow a third or fourth-down conversion all game long, did not turn the ball over, and committed only one penalty for five yards.

Anymore, the College Football Czar mentally projects an asterisk next to every unblemished September record he sees, and this year's Scarlet Knight team is a prime example of why. Yes, the Jersey Boys have started 3-0, but they've done it against two teams from the MAC and one from Division I-AA. One might think their noggins were red from embarrassment, but the fact that they're still wearing that "Chop4Change" logo on the backs of their helmets proves that they are incapable of shame.

With all of the colorful nicknames coaches had in the old days, you'd think somebody named Amos Alonzo Stagg would jump at the chance for someone to hang a moniker on him like Weevil, Thud or Scratchy. If he were a sports figure today, somebody would cleverly nickname him AAS, which would actually not be an improvement.

Iowa 24, Rutgers 10

Sept. 20

West Virginia at Kansas

In a 31-24 overtime win against Pitt, the Mountaineers showed that, unlike the Panthers, they have a roster that is more than one-deep at the running back position. With Jaheim White out for the season, senior Tye Edwards went on a Tye-raid for 141 yards and three TDs on 25 carries. This should not have come as a total surprise, because he had been a 1,000-yard rusher at the Division I-AA level a year ago, with Northern Iowa.

The Jayhawks only rushed for 31 yards in their 42-31 loss to border rival Missouri, and most of that yardage came from QB Jalon Daniels. Running backs Daniel Hishawjr and Leshon Williams combined for just six yards on nine carries. By comparison, the two of them totaled 126 yards and a touchdown on 19 carries in their opening win over Fresno State. The College Football Czar assumes coach Lance Leipold has noticed the difference.

The Eers have gotten pinned in three consecutive games away from Morgantown, including a 17-10 upset at Ohio in Week 2. That's a trend that may very well continue, with upcoming road games against BYU, UCF, Houston and Arizona State.

In Kansas, when trailers are overturned, it means there has been a tornado. In West Virginia, it just means it's Saturday night.

Kansas 22, West Virginia 16

Auburn at Oklahoma

It will be interesting to see what kind of reception Tiger tosser Jackson Arnold gets from his former home fans in Norman. Last season as a Sooner, his numbers were pretty good everywhere but the scoreboard. OU ranked next-to-last in the SEC in scoring next to only Kentucky, averaging an even 24.0 points per game. So far in 2025, Arnold has taken better care of the ball than his replacement, John Mateer, but he has not been nearly as productive.

The Sooners, as the name implies, got off to an early start last week at Temple, where they took a 25-0 lead five minutes into the second quarter. The 42-3 final gives them one of the more legitimate 3-0 records in the nation, as it came a week after a convincing 24-13 win over a ranked Michigan team.

This could be the first time since 2017 that AU is a significant factor in the SEC, especially if it can pick off one of its first three conference opponents: OU, Texas A&M and Georgia. Hugh Freeze's team, also 3-0, scored a quality road win at Baylor in Week Zero. This past Saturday (September 13th: Save the date!) they defeated South Alabama, 31-15.

The Tiger toss is just like a dwarf toss, except that they use Tiger Woods instead of a dwarf. That must have been one whale of a bet he lost.

There is no such thing as a John Daly toss, in case you were wondering.

Oklahoma 42, Auburn 34

Illinois at Indiana

Just in case nobody has done it yet, the College Football Czar hereby christens this game "The I-Test," between the happy-go-lucky Hoosiers who have faced little serious competition in the past twelve months, and an experienced Illini team that might have contended for the 2024 playoff itself, if it hadn't played road games against both Penn State and Oregon.

Former Cal quarterback Fernando Mendoza has been lighting it up for the candelabra-heads, with nine touchdowns and no interceptions through three games. Of course, those three games have been against Old Dominion, Kennesaw State and I-AA Indiana State. If he duplicates that feat over his next three games, then we can talk about him bringing another playoff bid back to Bloomington.

So far, the only meaningful game for either team took place in Week 2, when the Illini went plus-5 in turnovers in a 45-19 drubbing of Duke. Four different defenders recovered fumbles for them in that game, which just goes to show that there may be no "I" in "team," but there are eight of them in "Illinois Fighting Illini."

How's that, in lieu of a point?

Illinois 35, Indiana 27

Nc State at Duke

The Blue Devils scored 11 points late in the fourth quarter of a 34-27 loss at Tulane, making the final score look a little bit better than they deserved. For most of the game, they were soundly outplayed by the Green Wave, just as they had been by Illinois a week earlier. So far, their only win on the season has been against Elon, a man whose own toddler son beat him up for naming him X. That's not much to brag about.

Wolfpack running back Hollywood Smothers rushed for 164 yards at Wake Forst last Thursday night, but it was the NCSU defense that suffocated the Demon Deacons in the second half of a 34-24 conference-opening victory. The Pack had trailed 24-17 at the break, but held WF to four consecutive three-and-outs, then added an interception and a turnover on downs. Altogether, they allowed only 39 yards in the second half.

It's a little-known fact that his name isn't really "Hollywood Smothers"; it's "Hollywood's Mothers." He's just a little reluctant to admit it, because when he does, people walk up to him and scream, "No wire hangers EVER." Being too young to get that reference, he naturally finds it really annoying.

Nc State 24, Duke 16

Michigan at Nebraska

The Wolverines are among the fairly small percentage of teams that is not padding its record against a lower-division opponent. In their three-game nonconference schedule, they defeated New Mexico, lost to Oklahoma, and moidelized Central Michigan. Freshman QB Bryce Underwood hasn't gotten things going yet, but even as a work in progress, he's an improvement over any of the QBs who were in last year's rotation.

The Cornhuskers have clobbered Akron and I-AA Houston Christian by a combined score of 127-7. In their only competitive game, they barely held of Cincinnati, 20-17, in a Week Zero neutral-site game at Arrowhead Stadium. The Bearcats had gotten into range to attempt a tying field goal, until safety Malcolm Hartzogjr preserved the victory with an interception in the end zone.

In a series that was once tied, the maize and blue have taken command over the past decade, winning all four games against the N-men, three of those decisively. When they last met in Lincoln two years ago, the Huskers had to score a late TD to avert a shutout, in a 45-7 slobberknocking.

Michigan: "You call it corn. We call it maize."

Nebraska: "Really? That's not a very good school you've got there."

Michigan 15, Nebraska 10

Texas Tech at Utah

This key early Big XII matchup pits two ranked teams, each of which wears red and black, but neither of which is called the Redblacks. The Red Raiders have barely been tested so far, beating Oregon State, Kent State and Division I-AA Arkansas-Powder Puff by a combined score of 174-35. The Utes are 3-0 against slightly better competition, scoring road wins against UCLA and Wyoming, and pointlessly beating the wolly-doodle out of I-AA Cal Poly.

One thing that has been consistent for Kyle Whittingham's team has been the availability of starting quarterback Devon Dampier. Unlike last season, the Ute players and coaches can practice during the week knowing who is going to be behind center for them on Saturday. So far, Dampier has shown no signs of the turnover problems that gnawed at him at New Mexico last season, having thrown seven TDs with no picks through three games.

On the other side, the one they call The Red Behren has won a lot of air battles for the Raiders. The fifth-year Tech QB has an outside shot at compiling 10,000 passing yards, all at the same school. If not for injuries, he probably would have reached that mark already.

Can you imagine a football team named the Redblacks? How drunk must a country be to even think of such a thing?

Texas Tech 34, Utah 31

Syracuse at Clemson

This is generally looked upon as a dangerous matchup for Dabo Swinney's team, ever since the Orange upset them in 2017. However, the Son of Clem has won all six games since, including a 31-14 flattening in their last meeting, in 2023.

The College Football Czar has been explaining since his preseason issue why he doesn't think the Tigers are national contenders this year. Nevertheless, he can't believe how many lardheads who get paid to analyze college football are writing them off from the playoffs already. Granted, at 1-2, an at-large bid looks highly unlikely at this point, but this team is only 0-1 in ACC play, and they don't have to face Miami or Nc State in the regular season. Their two losses have been to two of the four toughest opponents on their schedule (LSU and Georgia Tech). Last year, they made it into the playoff with three losses, because they won the ACC title game. This same result is well within their reach as things stand now.

The Cuse must have felt good about having beaten Uconn in overtime, until the Delaware Fighting Blue Hens did the same thing a week later. The Husky defenders can't get that song out of their head ever since SU tight end Dan Villari beat them for 104 yards on seven receptions.

Not the whole song, of course, just the one line everyone knows. "Vil-laaa-ri, O-oh-o-ohh." [repeat until stupid]

Clemson 20, Syracuse 10

SMU at TCU

The Mustangs stank out the joint in a 28-10 win over Division I-A debutante Missouri State, in which they committed 12 penalties for 130 yards. At least that gave them plenty of opportunities to say "Doh!," as long as they were visiting Springfield.

The Horned Frogs hammered North Carolina on Labor Day, 48-14. A lot has since been said, probably accurately, about the unrealistic expectations for Bill Belichick at UNC. On the flip side, however, this Texas Christian team has not gotten enough credit leading up to that game or since. If a quarterback like Josh Hoover, who fell just short of 4,000 yards a year ago, were playing at an SEC or Big Ten school, we would be sick of hearing about him by now.

These teams play for possession of the Iron Skillet, which looks like one that had been used on a chuck wagon. How do the coaches even begin to explain such a thing to a bunch of guys who have grown up subsisting on Lunchables?

Contrary to the title, Lunchables are not able to be lunch.

TCU 44, SMU 30

Arkansas at Memphis

The 3-0 Tigers return home after taking back-to-back road games against Sun Belt opponents Georgia State (38-16) and Troy (28-7). With a victory against an SEC opponent, they would be one of the favorites to get the group-of-five CFP bid, at least until their American Conference schedule starts to toughen up in late October.

The Razorbacks tied the game up against Ole Miss four times, but never led, in a 41-35 setback. Quarterback Taylen Green threw for 305 yards, and ran for 115 more, the latter being a career-high for a regular season game. The only time the fifth-year former Boise State scrambler gained more yards on the ground was in the 2022 Frisco Bowl against North Texas.

A lot of people don't realize that the FBI has called Memphis "the homicide capital of America." It turns out the carnage consists mostly of Elvis impersonators, who have died of irritating people until they snap.

Arkansas 39, Memphis 27

Florida at Miami

The 1-2 Gators take on a Top Five team for a second week in a row, after coming out on the wrong end of a 20-10 tussle with LSU last Saturday in Baton Rouge. Quarterback D.J. Lagway threw five interceptions, but perhaps the bigger problem was that he had to throw the ball 49 times in the first place. UF abandoned its ground attack even though the scoreboard did not require it to do so, and in spite of the fact that RB Jadan Baugh had gained a respectable 46 yards on ten carries.

You can't always tell much from common opponents, but the Hurricanes easily handled the South Florida team that had gotten the better of the Gators a week earlier. Junior RB Mark Fletcherjr rushed for a career-high 120 yards in the 49-12 trouncing. Try saying that three times fast: Fletcherjr, Fletcherjr, Fletcherjr. That might be the catchiest name since Tom Dooley.

At 20-21, Billy Napier is in danger of becoming the first non-interim coach at UF to finish with a losing record since the late 1940s. Compared to his tenure, those of Jim McElwain, Will Muschamp and Ron Zook were smashing successes. When kids are taught their greater than-less thans, they are told that the alligator eats the bigger number. If that's true, the gator is now tasting defeat, and it doesn't like it.

Well, kids used to be told that the alligator eats the bigger number. Now they're asked, how does the alligator feel about social justice?

Miami 21, Florida 6

Tulane at Ole Miss

Perhaps the College Football Czar ought to take the next opportunity to pick the Green Wave to win, lest it appear that he's disrespecting New Orleans. TU teed off on Duke last week to take a 24-3 lead, before holding on to win by a final of 34-27. It has taken very recent BYU quarterback Jake Retzlaff no time at all to get acclimated to his new surroundings, passing for 245 yards against the Blue Devils, while adding another 111 on the ground.

The Rebels have probably been tested more than any other ranked team at this point in the season, having already won SEC games against Kentucky (30-23) and Arkansas (31-25). Quarterback Trinidad Chambliss, formerly of Division II Ferris State, took the wheel against the Razorbacks in a surprise start, for 353 yards and a touchdown.

If Mississippi State coach Lane Kiffin were hired away by Tulane, that would make it Threelane. The only reason he would entertain such an offer is that he lives to annoy people.

Ole Miss 38, Tulane 31

Michigan State at USC

The 3-0 Spartans play their Big Ten opener against a Southern Cal team that defeated Purdue last week, 33-17 after a three-hour delay. MSU is looking for its first road victory in more than a year, having lost four in a row away from East Lansing to finish the 2024 season.

SC only went 4-2 in the Coliseum last year, but those two losses were to final four teams Penn State and Notre Dame. They haven't been beaten on their home field by a lesser opponent since the barely legitimate Covid year of 2021. Is Sparty still a lesser opponent? We'll find out.

Both teams are named after ancient warriors, but at least the Spartans are famous historic victors, whereas the Trojans are famous historic losers. The College Football Czar has often wondered why teams pick loser nicknames like the Trojans and Rebels, which only conjure images of defeat. Why not just call themselves the Luftwaffe?

Because this is America. We don't end words with schwas here.

USC 27, Michigan State 14

Brigham Young at East Carolina

With expected starting QB Jake Retzlaff dismissed on an honor code violation, freshman Bear Bachmeier has stepped in behind center for BYU. No, Bear is not a nickname, and it might not even be the strangest thing about him. He wears #47, which of course is highly unusual for a quarterback, but hey, who's going to argue with a guy named bear? When he runs a QB-keeper, it looks as if the Cougars are running the wildcat, but they're not. They're running the Bear! Talk about a trick play.

The 2-1 Pirates could find themselves walking the plank if they don't learn how to run the ball. As a team, they have only 406 rushing yards through three games, and that includes one against the Division I-AA Campbell Fighting Camels. Perhaps asking undersized RB London Montgomery to carry the load this season is a bridge too far.

The chimpanzee in the 1980-ish TV show B.J. and the Bear was named after Bear Bryant. The sons of the legendary coach, being overzealous guardians of his legacy, have probably seen to it that the program will never be shown again. Either that, or it's just that nobody puts it on anymore because it was a total stinkeroni. You make the call.

Brigham Young 30, East Carolina 16

Maryland at Wisconsin

The Terrapins have opened the season on a terr, but it hasn't been much of a challenge to shred Florida Atlantic, Northern Illinois and Division I-AA Towson. They are 0-4 all-time against the Madison Reds, losing 23-10 in their most recent meeting, in 2022 at Camp Randall Stadium.

In spite of their weak early schedule, the shellbacks are the worst rushing team in the Big Ten, at 116.7 yards per game. They have three running backs with 25 or more carries, none of whom is gaining as much as four yards a pop. That shouldn't make them much of a match for the burly Badger defensive front.

The Big Bad Gers should have learned by now not to mess with an Alabama country boy. In the second half of a lopsided home-and-home series, they were taken apart in Tuscaloosa by a final of 38-14. Quarterback Danny O'Neil, who was forced into the starting lineup by an injury to Billy Edwardsjr, threw for only 117 yards with one TD and two interceptions.

At the start of that previous paragraph, the College Football Czar seems to have gotten two Jim Croce songs mixed up with each other: "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" and "You Don't Mess Around With Jim." This is understandable, because they're both basically the same song, with different lyrics. Is it any wonder that the little, funny-looking composer penned multiple hits about big bullies who get their comeuppance?

"Write what you know" is a quote that's often attributed to Mark Twain, but you can tell that this rule doesn't always apply because ...

Well, never mind how you can tell. You just can, that's all.

Wisconsin 13, Maryland 9

Arizona State at Baylor

The Sun Devils, formerly of the Pac 12, easily handled a future member of that same conference last week, with a 34-15 win over Texas State. Jordyn Tyson is well on his way to a second consecutive 1,000-yard receiving year, with 314 yards and four TDs in three games.

The Waco kids aren't just pulling your lariat when they tell you they've got an excellent passer in Sawyer Robertson. You can tell the senior slinger is a good quarterback, because he's got the requisite two last names. In addition to that, he passed for over 3,000 yards a year ago, and is already more than a third of the way toward duplicating that accomplishment. He started the season by passing for 419 yards in a tough loss to Auburn, and then added 440 more against Southern Methodist.

BU coach Dava Aranda has bought some badly needed good will with that 48-45 double-overtime victory against SMU. Now, if only he can get through the weekend without making any disparaging remarks about little red evil people with bulging eyes and pointy tails.

Baylor 49, Arizona State 41

Bowling Green at Louisville

The Cardinals lost one of their most reliable defenders to a lower leg injury, perhaps for the season. Linebacker Stanquan Clark must have Zagnutted when he should have Zignutted, which is obviously not his fault, because there's no such thing as a Zignut.

BGSU beat its first major college opponent of the Eddie George era last week, with a 23-13 win over Liberty, but its plodding offense is leaving too much work for its kicker to clean up. Jackson Kleather (as in "kick leather") is already 9-for-10 in field goals this season, missing only a 54-yarder in a 34-20 loss to Cincinnati. The Falcons are only averaging 314 yards per game, and against LU, that amount was reduced by eight offensive penalties, not counting the two that were declined.

Kleather's club plays its home games at Doyt-Perry Stadium, which is affectionately known as "The Doyt." It must take a great deal of concentration to be a kicker in a stadium that's named after a Maddenesque off-the-uprights sound effect.

Louisville 17, Bowling Green 10

Wyoming at Colorado

CU coach Deion Sanders has announced the return of Kaidon Salter at quarterback. His one-game benching in favor of Ryan Staub has apparently been deemed sufficient to assign blame to him for the clock mismanagement on the final drive of the Georgia Tech game.

For the first half of last Friday's 36-20 loss to Houston, it appeared as if Staub would be steady enough, but as the game wore on the lack of protection he was given made his improvisations look more and more desperate. Perhaps Salter, having a stronger arm, can back off this Cowboy defense by beating them with a deep ball or two.

Meanwhile, the Pokes' offense hasn't been able to punch through a wet paper bag. In two games against Division I-A opposition, they inched their way past Akron 10-0, and got tossed around by Utah, 31-6. Even a feelgood win over I-AA Northern Iowa only increases their average to 15.7 points per game.

Weird Al Yankovic once threatened to sue Colorado because it looks a little too much like Wyoming. Well, in its countersuit, Colorado is accusing Weird Al of looking too much like ... um ... never mind.

Colorado 14, Wyoming 5

 

 

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone