The Original
College Football Czar
Week 4
Week three in review: There has been a change at the top of the AP rankings following Georgia's sluggish 13-12 win at Kentucky, with Texas taking the top spot in the new poll. But of course that's practically meaningless now. With twelve teams in the playoff, UGA will be one of them as long as they finish the regular season 10-2, or perhaps even 9-3. If they win the SEC, they'll even get a first-round bye. The fact that they were almost upset by a middle-echelon conference opponent in the middle of September isn't going to matter at all.
What might matter is that Texas QB Quinn Ewers suffered a strained abdominal muscle early in his team's 56-7 rout of the UTSA Roadrunners. The injury is reportedly not as bad as initially feared, however, and while he's healing, freshman Arch Manning certainly seems man enough to handle Louisiana-Monroe this weekend.
So far, there has been an encouraging trend by which schools that have made ill-considered helmet logo changes are reverting to their older, superior designs. The Czar assumes the Oregon Ducks will don the dreaded winged helmets at some point this season, but through three games they seem to have heard his call to ree-stoh the O, returning one of the most recognizable and marketable logos in all of sports to its proper place. Also, Nevada has brought back its script "Pack," which has regained favor over that wolf head logo that looks as if it had been severed with a rusty scythe. One of the most baffling decisions was when Northern Illinois dumped its huskie-head helmet after establishing a winning image with it during its 2012 run to the Orange Bowl. At long last, NIU has its own identity back, rather than wearing uniforms that look like hand-me-downs from Arkansas State. There are still a few other teams that could stand to revive some of the classic helmets of decades past, including Purdue. The pointlessly aerodynamic P logo is not nearly Big Tenny enough. The Boilermakers need to go back to the big, anvil-styled P, the kind of a logo that takes the direct approach, instead of dancing around. Also, Oklahoma State should rediscover the branding iron logo it used from the 70s through the 90s, and not that dopey, faux-digital version that replaced it. Finally, the current Bowling Green headgear isn't bad, but they've got to bring back the old overnight delivery bird from the glory days of BGSU athletics. When it comes to logos, simpler is usually better.
For The week, the College Football Czar finished with a record of 12-7. His season record stands at 40-21, for a .656 winning percentage.
Sept. 20
Stanford at Syracuse
The lack of limelight seems to be
agreeing with former Ohio State QB Kyle McCord, who has surpassed his 2023
single-game high in passing yardage in each of two outings this season, gaining
354 yards against Ohio and 381 against Georgia Tech. He also exceeded last season's single-game TD
mark, with four in each contest.
The passing game of the 1-1 Cardinal
has been comparatively unproductive, even though they have faced a defensively
suspect TCU team and Division I-AA Cal Poly.
What's especially troubling about that is the fact that they hardly even
try to run the ball anymore. A year ago,
their two leading rushers were quarterbacks Justin Lamson and Ashton Daniels,
with running back E.J. Smith gaining only 218 yards.
Ever since the Orange decided not to
be men anymore, both of these teams are named after only colors, and not
things. The un-plural Cardinal adopted
their uniform color as a team nickname when they dropped their old moniker, the
Indians. They did this way back in 1973,
long before such a change would become quasi-mandatory. SU sometimes calls itself "The Cuse," which
almost tricks you into thinking it is something. For lack of a better appellation for the
visitors from the Bay Area, the College Football Czar has decided to start
calling them The Ferd.
Don't like it? Then you should have stuck with
"Indians." Ferd.
Syracuse 40, Stanford 24
Illinois at Nebraska
Each team is 3-0, but the Illini may
have a tough time escaping October with a winning record. In their next five games, they face four
ranked opponents: Nebraska, Penn State, Michigan and Oregon. If the N-men win this week, on the other
hand, they could find themselves in the Big Ten title chase by the time they
travel to Columbus in Week 9.
The Cornhusker defense could have
some trouble forcing any mistakes out of Fighting Illini QB Luke Altmeyer. Prior to this year, the former Ole Miss
passer misfired a lot, with 13 career interceptions to 16 touchdowns, but so
far this year he has found the end zone six times without getting picked off
once.
The ten toughest guys on the Husker
team are allowed to wear single-digit uniform numbers. That certainly explains the tiny-looking #9
on the wide frame of nose tackle Ty Robinson.
The College Football Czar had assumed he simply et the other number.
Nebraska 17 Illinois 13
Sept. 21
Kent State at Penn State
The Nittany Lions had their hands full
against another Mid-American Conference team two weeks ago, when they rallied
past Bowling Green 34-27. The College
Football Czar is not entirely sure why he bothers to point this out, because
they now face a KSU team that is utterly incomparable to that dangerous BGSU
club. MAC teams are often talked about
as if they were homogenous, when in reality the difference between the best and
worst within that league is often more pronounced than it is in the power
conferences.
In last week's 71-0 slaughter at
Tennessee, the Volunteers actually took it easy on these Golden Flashes in the
second half, having already rolled up a 65-0 advantage at the break. At halftime, UT reportedly offered to shorten
the third and fourth quarters, or use a running clock, mid-game adjustments
that are actually legal as long as both head coaches agree to them. Some reporters were surprised and puzzled
that Kent State coach Kenni Burns declined, but they should not have been. On occasion, there will be a game that is
shortened in one of these ways, but those tend to involve lower-division teams
that have no shame in admitting that they don't belong on field with their
opponents. The head coach of a Division I-A
team, even the worst Division I-A team, should not humiliate his own players by
acceding to any such conditions.
Coach Burns is now 1-14 with the
Flashes, that only win coming last season against Division I-AA Central
Connecticut State. They faced another
I-AA opponent in Week 2 of this season, but lost that game to the St. Francis
Red Flash, 23-17.
The Golden Flashes vs. the Red
Flash? That sounds like a preview of
next summer's blockbuster: Deadpool and Wolverine Expose Themselves.
Penn State 56, Kent State 7
Kansas at West Virginia
Eat that, Mountaineer fans! Or stick it in your McAfee. Whichever.
Last week, hordes of WVU people
poured into Pittsburgh, although based on their behavior, Thurston Howell III
would have thought they were Yale men instead.
For three and a half hours, they were having such a great time chanting
expletives, projectile vomiting, and roaming the stadium to randomly bother as
many people as possible, and then it was all spoiled for them within the last five
minutes of game time.
Leading Pitt 34-24 with 4:55 to
play, the Eers, whose defense had dominated the
second half, suddenly gave in and allowed a quick score. On their next possession, they worried about
the clock instead of running their regular offense, the predictable result being
a three-and-out, which left the Panthers enough time to drive for the winning
score in a 38-34 stunner. That result
leaves 1-2 WVU winless against Division I-A teams, with ranked opponents
Oklahoma State, Iowa State and Kansas State coming up after KU.
In consecutive losses to Illinois
and UNLV, Jayhawk QB Jalon Daniels has been picked off a total of five times,
while completing only 53.6 percent of his passes, for less than ten yards per
completion. The fifth-year player's
history of injuries makes the Czar wonder if he's well at the moment, but even
if he is, his team might want to turn to freshman Cole Ballard at some point
during this Big XII opener.
You have to say this much about the
Mountaineers, they don't know when they're beaten. That's because they've never been very good
at their greater-than less-thans.
Kansas 21 > West Virginia 20
Utah at Oklahoma State
This potentially decisive Big XII
game might need to be played without Ute quarterback Cameron Rising. The senior slinger suffered an injury to his
throwing hand in a Week 2 win against Baylor, and he had to watch Issac Wilson
lead the team past intrastate foe Utah State, 38-21. Isaac, a freshman, is the brother of Zach
Wilson, who played for rival Brigham Young.
We might never again see a college
football team remain as intact from one season to the next as the Cowboys have
from last year's 10-4 campaign. If there
does seem to be any significant difference, perhaps that's because Ollie Gordonii, the nation's leading rusher in 2023, has not been
himself. In consecutive games against
Arkansas and Tulsa, he has gained only 49 and 41 yards, on 17 carries
each. The tailback also created a
distraction with a DUI arrest during the offseason, but coach Mike Gundy has been
understandably lenient. At least Gundy
has got a star running back who continues to concentrate on football, instead
of trying to control which news channel the coach watches, or what he wears
when he goes fishing.
The thought of there being two (ii)
Ollies calls to mind the phrase "Ollie Ollie income
free," that's used in kids' games like hide and seek. It doesn't really apply anymore, now that
college athletes are getting paid out in the open. Back in the Pony Express era, now that
was free income.
The Czar doesn't know about you, but
he is thankful that we don't live in a world with two Ollies and no Stans. Who would wiggle his ears, then?
Oklahoma State 24, Utah 21
Tennessee at Oklahoma
OU doesn't exactly ease into its SEC
opener, as it takes on a Top Ten team with an exciting young quarterback and an
improving defense. The conferences are
so big anymore that even in the best one, not everybody has to play a challenging
schedule, but the Sooners run into every contending team with the exception of
Georgia. Aside from this Volunteer team,
they also host Texas and Alabama, and they have to go on the road to face Ole
Miss, Missouri and LSU.
Volunteer coach Josh Heupel wisely
got QB Nico Iamaleava out of last week's laugher
against Kent State in the second quarter.
After all, the kid's team needs him a lot more than he needs the
stats. Besides, it was a good
opportunity to reward senior Gaston Moore, who doubled his career TD total by
tossing two scores before yielding to third-stringer Jake Merklinger.
In his seventh year as a head coach
(the first three at Central Florida), Heupel will be coaching his first game
against his alma mater, where he had been the starting quarterback for two
years, and an assistant coach for nine more.
He was canned at the end of the 2014 season, which makes this a revenge
game of sorts, even though his old boss Bob Stoops has long since departed.
In this era of NIL and the transfer
portal, if the College Football Czar were the coach of a team with a young
hotshot quarterback whose surname spelled, "I am a leava,"
he'd be getting a little nervous.
Tennessee 55, Oklahoma 41
USC at Michigan
Speaking of Wolverines exposing
themselves, the defending national champions have already done so, in a
different way. Their offensive
liabilities have been exposed, not so much in their 31-12 defeat against Texas,
but in lackluster performances against Fresno State and Arkansas State.
Coliseum, now you don't. The lights went out during the fourth quarter
of the Trojans' Week 2 home opener against Utah State, but the party had long
been over in that mismatch. In their
48-0 annihilation of USU, they nearly tripled the Aggies total yardage output.
Wolverine quarterback Davis Warren
will probably have enough time to read Warren Peace while he's on the bench,
after throwing three interceptions in his team's uncomfortable 28-18 win over
A-State. The fans in Ann Arbor might not
want to get unduly excited about new starter Alex Orji, though. The junior has only completed 4 of 7 for 20
yards in his career, and his TD pass against the Red Wolves was a checkdown at
the line of scrimmage, which freshman tight end Hogan Hansen toted nine yards
for the score.
Lake McRee has got would-be tacklers
leaving puddles. In two games, the
Trojan tight end has nine catches for 137 yards, to lead his team in both
categories. He has yet to tally his
first career touchdown, but the College Football Czar likes his chances against
a maize and blue defense that was taken apart by Texas TE Gunnar Helm two weeks
ago. Did you notice that the Czar didn't
refer to either McRee or Helm as a "big tight end"? That's because it's redundant, just like
"cocky wide receiver," "Australian punter" or "self-overrated offensive
coordinator."
USC 35, Michigan 20
California at Florida State
Before the Seminoles' home loss to
Boston College, the band announced that it would no longer play the "War
Chant," because you know why. That
decision didn't sit well with the FSU faithful, so the chant was back for last
week's game against Memphis. If only the
band could now succeed in provoking a little fight from the football team. Their 20-12 loss to the visitors form the AAC
dropped their record to 0-3, one loss short of matching the disastrous start to
their 2021 season.
Late last Saturday, San Diego State
caught the Jaivian flu, as sophomore Cal running back Jaivian Thomas flew
through them for 169 yards on 17 carries.
Last year's leading rusher, Jaydn Ott, sat out the game with an ankle
injury, but was considered day-to-day, which sounds optimistic for a return
this week.
This, the first-ever meeting between
these teams, will be the first time the Golden Bears have ever experienced a
war chant. That kind of bellicosity
doesn't suit a team that has named itself after a professional golfer.
All right, so maybe John Daly had a
war chant, but not Jack Nicklaus.
California 16, Florida State 10
Nc State at Clemson
The 2-1 Wolfpack have got to be the
third-most disappointing team in the ACC so far this season, and the competition
for that title has been fierce. Last
week, they limped past lowly Louisiana Tech 30-20, losing Grayson McCall to an
undisclosed injury in the second quarter.
The former Coastal Carolina QB will not return in time to take on the
Tigers, but he has been unproductive so far at NCSU anyway, gaining only 476
yards on 50 completions.
The Paw Boys put up 712 total yards
in a 66-20 rout of Appalachian State in Week 2.
Just in case anyone thinks they ran it up on their Sun Belt Conference
opponents, the score was already 35-0 at the end of the first quarter. While that result surely doesn't give a
realistic impression of this Tiger offense, neither did their opening game, in
which they were shut down for 188 yards in a 34-3 loss to Georgia.
This game is being shown on ABC, but
it should have been scheduled at night, instead of in the afternoon. Had it been, millions of women would have
tuned in, mistakenly thinking NCSU-Clemson was the title of the latest crappy
network crime drama.
Clemson 31, Nc State 21
Iowa at Minnesota
For the past two games it has been
the Gophers vs. the O-fers, as the radiant rodents
have blanked back-to-back opponents.
Granted, one of those was Division I-AA Rhode Island, but last week they
beat a better-than-advertised Nevada team 27-0.
The Hawkeye defense has a shutout
against a lower-division opponent also, but since then it has been a letdown,
allowing 20 second-half points to squander a 13-0 halftime lead against Iowa
State, then giving up two long TDs in a 38-21 win over Troy.
Floyd of Rosedale was a live pig
when he was first awarded to the winners of this game in 1935. He officially died of cholera before the
following season, but the College Football Czar isn't buying it. The Great Depression was going on. What would anyone have done with a blue
ribbon-winning hog? It only stands to
reason that Floyd met the same fate as about a dozen Arnold Ziffels.
Haven't you ever noticed how often
there's a different-looking Arnold from one episode to the next? Well, just take a gander at Mrs. Ziffel. Nuff said.
Minnesota 14, Iowa 11
Miami at South Florida
Hurricane quarterback Cam Ward went
ballistic on Ball State last week, throwing for 346 yards and five TDs in
little more than one half of play. The
62-0 final means The U has outscored its three opponents by a total of 159-26,
but keep in mind that those opponents have been Florida, Division I-AA Florida
A&M, and BSU. They could find
themselves suddenly facing serious resistance against a USF team that once
trailed Alabama by only five points in the fourth quarter.
The doorknocker-noggins came calling
on the Crimson Tide two weeks ago, and they got their foot in the door, but
couldn't close the deal. USF only
trailed the perennial national contenders 21-16 midway through the fourth
quarter, but once they saw the game slipping from their grasp, they let go
entirely, falling to a final of 42-16.
Overall, the Bulls are 2-1, but these Canes are a lot closer in quality
to the Crimson Tide than they are to Southern Miss and I-AA Bethune-Cookman.
The U on the USF helmet stands for
"University," which is pretty silly considering that all 134 teams represent
universities. In Miami's case, it means
that the school has been sponsored by the letter U. That is, except for the graduate students,
for whom it means, "Heyyyy U guuuuyyys!"
Miami 28, South Florida 17
TCU at SMU
The leaping lizards were careful not
to commit that infraction when they blocked two field goals and an extra point
against Central Florida. Nevertheless,
they let a 21-point second-half lead get away from them for a 35-34 defeat in
their Big XII opener. Fort Worth had
been Hooverville for much of the day, as the Horned Frog sophomore QB threw for
402 yards and four touchdowns, but the defense didn't hold up any better than
it did through most of last season.
The College Football Czar thinks the
Mustangs made a mistake by leaving Kevin Jennings in at quarterback until the
end of their 18-15 loss to Brigham Young.
Granted, Preston Stone hasn't played well so far this season, but he
pulled the ponies through when they stuck with him in their opener at Nevada,
and he might have also played his best ball in the fourth quarter against BYU,
if only he'd gotten the chance. So far,
many of Jennings passes have been short dump-offs that catch the defense by
surprise as he's running toward the line of scrimmage. He has not yet shown the ability to throw
accurately downfield, which is where Texas Christian is most vulnerable.
These former Southwest Conference
rivals battle every year for possession of the Iron Skillet, which
coincidentally would have been a great name for a cooking show starring
Margaret Thatcher. Unfortunately, it
would have been canceled before you could say, "Episode One: Jellied Eels."
TCU 33, SMU 29
Georgia Tech at Louisville
Last year at Mercedes-Benz Stadium,
the Yellowjackets scored four touchdowns in the second quarter, but it proved
not to be enough in a befuddling 39-34 season-opening setback. Perhaps because of the ease with which they
put points on the board before halftime, they took themselves out of their
characteristic ground game, as Haynes King threw for 313 yards in his first
game since transferring from Texas A&M.
The Cardinals' first two games have
been so uncompetitive that even though they won by a combined score of 111-14,
the best that can be said about them is that oft-injured journeyman quarterback
Tyler Shough is still ambulatory. It was
in late September of last year that Shough suffered a fractured fibula at West
Virginia, while playing for Texas Tech.
It's a matchup of hometowns between
Evander Holyfield and Muhammed Ali. Had
those two ever been able to square off, the Czar would definitely have been
pulling for Holyfield, but he's got to give the edge to Ali. A guy with that kind of mouth could really
chew you ear off. Figuratively speaking,
that is.
Louisville 22, Georgia Tech 17
Michigan State at Boston College
Bill O'Brien has got BC on the
rebound, but last week's tough 27-21 loss at Missouri drives home the point
that the Eagles' opening win over "#10 Florida State" really wasn't much cause
for celebration. The truth be known,
they might still have a half-dozen opponents remaining on their schedule that
are better than FSU, but it's questionable whether Sparty
is among them.
MSU pointlessly pounded Division
I-AA Prairie View A&M 40-0 to improve to 3-0, having previously scraped
their way past Florida Atlantic (16-10) and Maryland (27-24). First-year coach Jonathan Smith brought QB Aidan
Chiles with him from Oregon State, and the sophomore has already matched his TD
total of last year with four, but he has also thrown four INTs, as opposed to
none in limited action as a freshman at OSU.
Eagle QB Thomas Castellanos threw
his first two interceptions of the season against Mizzou, which also held him
to 16 rushing yards on 13 carries. He
should be more productive in both facets of his game against a Spartan defense
that is improving, but facing its first serious test of the season.
The city of Boston has got a lot
going for it. Does it really need the
title of Beantown, too? That's just greedy. Let some other town have the beans that hasn't
got much else, like East Lansing.
Boston College 29, Michigan State 19
Kansas State at Brigham Young
K-State demolished Big XII newcomer
Arizona 31-7 last Friday, but it doesn't count in the standings because it was
a nonconference game that had been scheduled several years beforehand. The War of the Wildcats was won mostly with
defense, as Chris Klieman's club allowed a TD midway through the first quarter,
and then blanked the team from Tucson the rest of the way.
The Cougars are 3-0, but the same
was true at this time a year ago, when they were beaten in their Big XII debut,
38-27 at Kansas. This year's start has
been much the same, with one win against a lower-division foe (Southern
Illinois), one against an underachieving opponent (SMU), and one against a team
of which little was expected (Wyoming).
BYU will be wearing throwback
uniforms from their 1996 season, when they defeated Kansas State in the Cotton
Bowl. When you're depending on the
clothes to win the game for you, how much else have you got, really?
Kansas State 45, Brigham Young 34
Baylor at Colorado
The Waco kids like to play chess
(among other things), but the simplicity of their 31-3 victory over the Air
Force Academy made it seem more like a game of tic-tac-toe. They blocked, they tackled, they won. The College Football Czar expects them to get
things done the same way this week, even though the Buffalo offense won't make
it nearly as easy on them.
As you could have guessed, the Czar
does not condone trash talking in any case, but it's an especially bad idea if
you're as untalented a team as Colorado State.
If the Rams thought they were going to psyche out the Buffaloes in last
Saturday's rivalry game, they were wrong.
Perhaps they should have tried playing football, instead of mind games.
It's more than a little galling to
hear CU coach Deion Sanders complain about it, though. "I pray our guys never act in that manner,"
he said. Can he really be so oblivious
to his own sons' serial unsportsmanlike conduct? Just what color are those designer
sunglasses, anyway?
Baylor 24, Colorado 22
Houston at Cincinnati
The 2-1 Bearcats turned away
traditional rival Miami Ohio last week, 27-16 on the road. Senior wide receiver Xzavier Henderson made
ten catches for 108 yards, which is roughly how many points his first name
would be worth in a game of Scrabble.
In a 33-7 victory over Rice, the
Cougars were on their crosstown rivals like a thing on another thing, upon
which that first thing typically is.
Sorry about that. It appears the
College Football Czar is in a bit of an analogy slump this week.
Cincy is one game away from tying up
this head-to-head series, having gone 13-4 since a 1-11 start. The last time they played UH at home was in the
2021 American Athletic Conference championship game, in which they prevailed
35-20 to earn a berth opposite Alabama in the Cotton Bowl. The Cougs were
relegated to the Birmingham Bowl, where they beat a 6-6 Auburn team. Both programs have fallen a long way since.
Any lardhead who uses the phrase
"like white on rice" should be locked in a room with a bowl of rice, and not
allowed out until the white has been removed.
Cincinnati 20, Houston 14
Florida at Mississippi State
The Swamp Things have been bogged
down since long before they set foot in the Mississippi mud. In last week's 33-20 loss to Texas A&M,
the Gators got shut out in the first half, spotting the Conjunction Boys a 20-0
lead at the intermission. It's no wonder
the offense couldn't get into a rhythm, while rotating between quarterbacks
Graham Mertz and D.J. Langway on a drive-by-drive basis.
The expected offensive renaissance
in Starkville has looked so far like it's leading them into the Dark Ages. A week ago, they had a fumble, an
interception, a turnover on downs, and three three-and-outs, as they were
torched by the Toledo Rockets, 41-17.
The Bulldogs have now lost five of their past seven home games against
Division I-A opponents, demonstrating that the vaunted cowbells have served
about as valuable a function as udders on a bull.
A group of Gator boosters has reportedly
embarked on a fundraising campaign so that they can pay the $26 million buyout
from coach Billy Napier's contract. Boy
is that guy in the right line of work.
The College Football Czar's usual fee for going away is a 30-pack of
Iron City.
Florida 25, Mississippi State 16
a sports publication from The
Shinbone