The Original College Football Czar

Week 3

Week two in review: The season's first big upset took place last Saturday, when presumptive playoff contender Notre Dame lost at home to Northern Illinois, 16-14. The result wasn't all that shocking to anyone who remembers that the Fighting Irish were beaten on their home field by Marshall only two years ago. From this, the College Football Czar draws the following conclusions: in spite of a career record of 20-9, head coach Marcus Freeman is in deep trouble; the expectations the media heaped on Freeman upon his hiring are not helping any; Freeman's observation that his team believed its press clippings and did not give NIU enough respect extends to himself and his coaching staff, whether he's admitting that or not; beating a Texas A&M team that only went 7-6 last season and has since mad an iffy coaching hire is not all that impressive; and the Notre Dame Stadium mystique has been fading ever since the installation of artificial turf in 2014.

The Irish were not the only highly ranked team to have its struggles in Week 2. After coming out flat in its opener against Division I-AA Idaho, Oregon barely survived a challenge from Boise State, but at least BSU is a dangerous opponent, perhaps even a playoff contender. Alabama and Oklahoma were lifeless through most of their respective games against South Florida and Houston, and Penn State turned in an alarming defensive performance in the first half of a 34-27 scare against Bowling Green. Meanwhile, in one unsurprising result, defending national champion Michigan looked nothing like a conference contender, let alone a national one, as they were bullied by Texas, 31-12.

The Pac 12 is about to grow back to half its size, with the addition of current Mountain West schools Boise State, Colorado State, Fresno State and San Diego State. Surely, the league will continue to expand, possibly to include more MWC members. In the meantime, this week's move creates the threat of ending the rivalry series between FSU and San Jose State, and CSU and Air Force. The Czar recalls that it was a scheduled disruption to the CSU-AFA series that helped create the MWC in the first place, breaking the 16-team WAC in half, following the 1998 season.

After an 0-2 start last Friday, the Czar had a successful Saturday to finish the week at 13-7. For the season, his record stands at 28-14, for a .667 winning percentage.

Sept. 13

UNLV at Kansas

These teams met last December at the Guaranteed Rate Bowl in Phoenix, where the Jayhawks outpaced Nevada-Las Vegas 49-36, led by WR Luke Grimm's 160 receiving yards and three touchdowns. That's more passing yardage than KU had as a team last week at Illinois, where Jalon Daniels only threw for 141 in a 23-17 setback.

In yet another September college football game that should never have happened, the Rebels caused a commotion by putting up a final score of 72-14, albeit against Division I-AA Utah Tech, the school that used to be known as Dixie State, even though it is located in St. George, UT. They probably just called it that because they loved Dixie Cups, even though they tended to spill juice on themselves while reading the riddles.

The KU-KU Pigeon Sisters are hosting this game at what is now being called Children's Mercy Park, which is home to a Major League Soccer team called Sporting Kansas City. In week one, they easily defeated I-AA Lindenwood 48-3 on this same field, before an overflow crowd of 20,829. For the rest of the season, their home games will be played at Arrowhead Stadium, which has a capacity almost four times as great.

Believe it or not, Sporting Kansas City is only the second-worst name in the history of that franchise. When the team was first introduced in 1996, it was called the Kansas City Wiz, named of course after the Broadway reboot of The Wizard of Oz. It tended to remind people of something else, though. To those more generous among us, that thing was spreadable cheese.

It could have been worse. It least it wasn't called the Dixie Wiz. Apologies if that gag is too subtle for you Barstool Sports readers out there.

Kansas 45, UNLV 41

Arizona at Kansas State

D.J. Giddens was like a gid in a gandy store in K-State's 34-27 triumph at Tulane, where the running back caught four passes for 63 yards, in addition to his 114 rushing yards on nine carries. It was the defense that delivered the decisive score, though, with freshman safety Jack Fabris returning a fumble 60 yards for a TD in the middle of the fourth quarter.

This is basically the same U of A team that went 10-3 a year ago, with one exception, that being head coach Jed Fisch's departure for Washington. His successor, Brent Brennan, may be 2-0, but the results have not been encouraging. The opening 61-39 win over neighboring New Mexico was too wide open, and last week's 22-10 trudge past Division I-AA Northern Arizona not enough so.

These two Wildcatses have met seven times before, with the team from Tucson leading 5-1-1. However, the most recent among those was way back in 1978, four years before the now-prominent program would reach its first-ever bowl game.

Only one of these Cats has Giddens. That must mean J.D. Vance is rooting for them, whether they like it or not.

Kansas State 42, Arizona 33

Sept. 14

West Virginia at Pitt

In last week's 28-27 rally past Cincinnati, Panther coach Pat Narduzzi succeeded in spite of himself. In the middle of his team's comeback from a 27-6 deficit, the tenth-year skipper obeyed the analytics, by going for two after a touchdown had closed the gap to eight points. The attempt was unsuccessful, which meant that after scoring another TD, he had to go for two again in an attempt to tie the game. That try failed also, leaving UC a 27-25 lead, when the game should have been tied. A last-second field goal bailed the coach out, but the question remains, why gamble with a point at that particular juncture of the game?

The ESPN announcers, who found the decision peculiar as well, nevertheless offered as justification the fact that the analytics say a team that goes for two after scoring a touchdown to trail by eight significantly increases its chances of victory. Mind you, the only reason any coach ever makes this call is because the analytics say so. Up until then, almost nobody ever did. The College Football Czar has got to ask, then, what is the source of the supporting data? Video games?

Last year in Morgantown, the Mountaineers lost QB Garrett Greene to a first-quarter leg injury, but still ground out a 17-6 victory, partly because their opponents didn't really have a starting quarterback, either. Greene is back in the lineup for WVU, but whether Eli Holstein has locked down the starting job for the Panthers remains to be seen.

The Eers had a feelgood win by a final of 49-14 over the Division I-AA University of Albany, which will heretofore be known on these pages as "Wallbany," until it stops spelling the name of the city with a "U" in front of it. Soon enough, the feeling of the 34-12 trouncing they took from Penn State will come back to them, because they certainly can't afford to play that way against their next five opponents: Kansas, Oklahoma State, Iowa State, Kansas State and Arizona.

Ironically, the Panthers won a game against Duke in 2022 when the Blue Devils followed the analytics down this same path, and missed two conversions while attempting a fourth-quarter comeback. So, what must Narduzzi have been thinking, that the analytics were due?

West Virginia 26, Pitt 14

Alabama at Wisconsin

The pachyderms really don't like to pack for a trip. Since a 2011 win at Penn State, Bama has only strayed from the South three times, and none of those was voluntary. The only reason they traveled to Glendale, Santa Clara and Indianapolis was because those were the cities where the CFP championship was being played.

Prior to last week's win against South Florida, the Crimson Tide held a ceremony to dedicate the field to retired coach Nick Saban. Not the stadium, mind you, but the playing surface, for whatever that's worth, which is crap. The message was not supposed to be "we miss you," but that sentiment spilled all over the field as they struggled until six minutes remained to put any distance between themselves and the plodding Bulls. Three late TDs padded the final score to 42-16, but that should do little to comfort the fans in Tuscaloosa.

In the second season since the implementation of CheddAir, the aerosol cheese continues to get stuck in the nozzle. Tyler Van Dyke's stats from last week, 17-of-27 for 214 yards and a TD, would have been pretty good against a power conference opponent, but against the Division I-AA South Dakota Coyotes he should have compiled those numbers in the first half, and been given the rest of the game off. The 27-13 win was the Badgers' second 14-point margin against inferior competition in as many games. The previous week, they trailed Western Michigan by a point in the fourth quarter before pouring it on to win 28-14. That's the same WMU team that just lost to Ohio State 56-0.

As long as we're going with a processed cheese food motif, why not change the name of the team to the Wisconsin Whiz? Probably because nobody wants to wear that stuff on his head.

Alabama 20, Wisconsin 3

Memphis at Florida State

There was a time when these two were frequent opponents as Southern Independents, but this will be their first meeting since 1990, a couple years before FSU joined the ACC. The team from Tallahassee leads 10-7-1, for anyone who cares, which does not include any of the current players or coaches.

The Tigers trotted past Troy 38-17, in spite of a statistically poor showing by QB Seth Henigan, who completed 20 of 30, but for only 161 yards. The offense was carried by running back Mario Anderson, with help from Greg Desrosiersjr, each of whom picked up 7.4 yards per carry. It's a little-known fact that "Desrosiersjr" was the name of a psychedelic album recorded by Cream in the late 60s. It should go without saying that they were stoned.

Before the season kicked off, the College Football Czar had this pegged as the game that would demolish the Seminoles' playoff chances. By this point, that would be like breaking crumbs, now that they have already lost to ACC opponents Georgia Tech and Boston College. It may be easy to attribute their 0-2 start to flat performances by quarterback D.J. Uiagalelei, but the FSU ground game has been stuffed for an average of just 2.5 yards per carry, with only one gain of more than ten yards.

Still want to pin it all on the Noles QB? Oh, sure, blame the DJU. Typical.

Memphis 31, Florida State 16

Oregon at Oregon State

The Fighting Ducks finally beat Boise State for the first time in four tries, and boy, was it not easy. Just when they seemed to have taken command in the middle of the third quarter, the webfoots and their feathered fingers fumbled on back-to-back possessions, both of which BSU converted for touchdowns to retake the lead. Even when they came back to score the tying touchdown, they didn ptional incident. We can probably expect to see it at least three more times this season, so it's not even award-worthy anymore. The need to maintain possession of the football into the end zone is kind of a fundamental point of the game that shouldn't need to be explained to the players, but this only holds true if the player's goal coincides with that of his team. Had scoring six points for the Ducks really been important to Whittington, you couldn't have separated him from the ball with a chisel until he had securely delivered it to an official in the end zone. The problem is that he felt an irresistible urge to jettison the ball so that he could coolly drop his arms along his sides as he strutted to the back of the end zone and struck a pose. Priorities.

Beavers probably have a lot of experience watching wood rot, so they might be the only ones who made it all the way through their 21-0 stroll past San Diego State late last Saturday night. OSU held the Aztecs to only 179 total yards and seven first downs.

These rivals play for a carving of a platypus, an animal that looks like a hybrid between a duck and a beaver. If there's any weird critter that comes from crossing a duck with a possum, there have been a few sightings of it at Autzen Stadium. Against I-AA Idaho, the U of O seldom ventured farther than five yards downfield, but against Boise, QB Dillon Gabriel finally uncorked completions of 67 and 59 yards.

Is "a possum" correct, or is it a opossum?" "An opossum?" "An possum?" "They/them opossum?" Possumbilities abound.

Oregon 28, Oregon State 13

Boston College at Missouri

The Tigers have not yet given up any points through two games, which is kind of impressive even though their opponents have been Division I-AA Murray State and MAC doormat Buffalo. In last week's 38-0 blanking, they only allowed UB to convert one third down out of twelve attempts.

BC has begun the season 2-0, but last Saturday's 56-0 rout of Division I-AA Duquesne doesn't mean anything, and it's difficult at this point to tell whether a 28-13 win over Florida State is meaningful, either.

BCarfeul about BComing carried away with "athletic" quarterbacks like Thomas Castellanos. (Is scrambling more athletic than throwing 30-yard spirals? The Czar is not so sure.) The 5-foot-9 flinger got off to a pretty good start last year, too, but from October on, he threw only five touchdown passes to nine interceptions. It's a great asset to have a QB who can come near the 1,000-yard mark in rushing, but that doesn't balance off everything.

MU plays its home games at a stadium they nickname The Zou, which is pronounced "zoo." Many Missourians also pronounce their state "Miz-zur-ah." They really need to build a better school, in which they can learn phonics. The Czar wonders if they didn�t really mean to call their home The Shoe-Me State, and the fact that they misspelled it is why so many are still walking around barefoot.

Missouri 25, Boston College 22

Tulane at Oklahoma

In 2021, the Sooners slogged their way to a 40-35 win against a TU team that would finish the season 2-10. Such an outcome would not be the least bit surprising this year, especially in light of last week's results. OU only defeated lowly Houston 16-12, putting the game away with a late safety, while the Green Wave gave the business to a ranked Kansas State team before falling 34-27, on a decisive late turnover.

If you're saying the Sooner offense doesn't look so good, Jackson Arnold knows whachoo talkin bout. The sophomore QB has to find a way to make his team miss Dillon Gabriel and his 3,660 yards from last season a little bit less, and so far it's not going well. Even an opening 51-3 blowout of Temple was due mostly to six takeaways, with Arnold only accounting for 141 passing yards.

In 1966, Tulane withdrew from the SEC because it decided it could not compete athletically without compromising its academic standards. This year, Oklahoma joined that same conference. Not that those two points are related, or anything. The Czar is not sure why he even brought it up.

Oklahoma 23, Tulane 14

Maryland at Virginia

These longtime ACC rivals met last year for the first time since the shellbacks crept their way into the Big Ten. Slow and steady won the race, as the Terps allowed two early touchdowns, then relentlessly counterattacked for a 42-14 victory.

Through two games, Terrapin Tai Felton leads the nation in receiving yards, with 330 on 18 receptions, with three touchdowns. That could spell trouble with a capital T for a Cavalier defense that yielded 403 passing yards in a 31-30 win at Wake Forest.

Matching up two states that are known for ceding territory, as they both did in order to create our nation's capital, doesn't make for a very compelling football game. At least Virginia reclaimed its ground in 1874, which would seem to count in their favor. However, Maryland has resisted attempts to return its land, on the basis that it doesn't want any part of Washington, D.C. Shrewd move. Advantage, UMD.

Maryland 45, Virginia 28

Washington at Washington State

It's a Mateer of fact that new starting Cougar QB John Mateer carried the ball for 197 yards and a touchdown in a 37-16 rout of Texas Tech, even though the sophomore scrambler had another poor performance in the pocket, where he completed just 9 of 19.

If it's true that Will Rogers never met a man he didn't like, that's a good thing, because the Mississippi State QB has been introduced to a whole bunch of new ones since transferring to UW. So far, he seems to be partial to WR Giles Jackson, who has caught 16 of his passes for 164 yards in two games.

Not to be left out, Husky wide receiver Denzel Boston caught two TD passes in last week's 30-9 win over Eastern Michigan. He probably tells people he's named Boston so that people don't confuse him with Denzel Washington, even though he's too young to remember the Titans, much less the Houston Oilers. Perhaps there are Denzels scattered all over the country, just like CSIs and Real Housewives. Coming soon: Denzel Sheboygan.

The Apple Cup is sponsored by Boeing, which probably means the losing team will get its doors blown off.

Washington 49, Washington State 29

LSU at South Carolina

The Gamecocks have won two games against Division I-A competition, which is more than most other teams can say at this point. They only escaped an opening week upset by a final of 23-19 against Old Dominion, but they followed that up by croaking Kentucky in Kroger Stadium, 31-6 in their SEC opener.

Louisiana State only went 3-3 away from Baton Rouge in 2023, and it lost this year's opener to USC in Las Vegas, 27-20. It doesn't take much to get a Tiger head coach taken out, and by Brian Kelly's third year, he was expected to deliver more than wins in the Citrus and ReliaQuest Bowls. The former Notre Dame coach has a lesser winning percentage with the Bayou Bengals than Fewer Miles had, and could easily fall behind Ed Orgeron in the near future.

The Cocks of the walk still haven't learned how to run. So far in 2024, they have duplicated last season's sorry average of 2.8 yards per carry. Since arriving in Carolina, senior RB Raheim Sanders has yet to approach anything like the success he had at Arkansas two years ago.

Think kickers aren't tough? Last week against Division I-AA Nicholls Don't-Call-Us-A-State, Coach Kelly yelled at his place kicker, Damian Ramos, to the horror of many onlookers. But guess what? Ramos withstood it! That might not sound like much, but a lot of other players might have run screaming into the transfer portal over a thing like that.

LSU 24, South Carolina 10

Virginia Tech at Old Dominion

The Gobblers have gotten shocked by ODU twice in five games. By now, they ought to be used to the idea. Besides, after an overtime loss to Vanderbilt, and a bland 31-14 win against mediocre Marshall, it would hardly be surprising if the Monarchs evened up this all-time series against them.

Any opponent who sleeps on the lion kings is liable to get a-wheema-whacked. Yes, they're 0-2, but they've only lost by four points to the South Carolina team that trashed Kentucky last week, and by six to an improving East Carolina club.

The College Football Czar picked Tech to play for the ACC championship this year, based on the strength of quarterback Kyron Drones. The dual threat junior is throwing the ball better than last year to this point, but he has only rushed for 32 yards on 31 attempts, leaving him almost four yards per carry behind his average from 2023.

ODU is located in Norfolk, and the people there are kind of sensitive about how they slur the name of the town, much like they are in "Llluuvull." The Norfolks (and no, the College Football Czar doesn't care if they don't call themselves that) refuse to pronounce either of the O's in their name. Instead of "Nor," they say "Nahw," and they replace the "ol" in "folk" with a schwa, making it sound like an expletive. The Czar's question is, why are we taking their word for it? Just because the word refers to themselves doesn't mean they're pronouncing it correctly. Just ask Plaxico Burress.

Virginia Tech 30, Old Dominion 23

Colorado at Colorado State

Buffalo WR/CB Travis Hunter would surely like to avenge the dirty late hit that injured him in last year's game, but he cannot afford to do anything that might get himself ejected, especially with safety Shilo Sanders already missing from the defensive backfield with a broken forearm.

CU's 28-10 loss at Nebraska looked a lot like last year's game at Oregon that exposed the tough-talking team as a paper Prime. It was apparent right from the opening kickoff that the Buffaloes were overmatched, as they were blown out of the game by halftime. Last year's offensive linemen, who took a disproportionate amount of blame for the team's failures, must have felt vindicated to see their replacements faring no better whatsoever. An OL needs to play together for a period of time in order to be cohesive. Coach Sanders' method of performing offseason half-team transplants just isn't constructive.

In last year's battle between the horny, hairy critters, the Rams led through much of the game before falling in double-overtime, 53-45. In hindsight, that should not have been so surprising, because Jay Norvell's team finished 5-7 with a big upset victory over Boise State, and their road losses to UNLV, Wyoming and Hawaii were all close. CSU did have a porous pass defense, however, and judging from the 52-0 tatering they took from Texas in Week 1, it hasn't gotten a whole lot better. That makes this a game in which the one dimension of the Buffalo offense ought to be enough.

While playing the victim over criticism of his team's recent defeat, Deion said, "When you lose, you're going to be ridiculed, you're going to be prosecuted and persecuted, and I'm good. I've been on the cross a long time, and I'm still hangin." In case you've ever asked yourself who this guy thinks he is, there's your answer.

Colorado 51, Colorado State 38

Nevada at Minnesota

The 1-2 Wolf Pack have been in three games that were decided by a grand total of only ten points. Last week against Georgia Southern, rookie coach Jeff Choate chose to go for a fourth-and-one rather than attempt a 58-yard field goal. It was a sound decision by the percentages, but the play failed, sending his team to a 20-17 defeat in spite of having dominated statistically.

The Golden Gophers lost their opener to North Carolina 19-17, by making a mistake the College Football Czar sees far too often. Knowing that the game was coming down to a last-second field goal, the radiant rodents ran two passive plays for no yardage, sticking Dragan Kesich with a last-second 47-yard kick that should have been easier. Too many coaches are too willing to leave their kickers in precarious situations with the game on the line. If you need a field goal to win the game, why not try to make it easier by biting a few yards off the attempt?

P.J. Fleck is the second-most annoying coach in the state of Minnesota, ever since "Coach" Tim Walz became a vice-presidential candidate. If the grand Gopher wants to earn his #1 ranking back, he might try forcing the word "damn" into every third sentence, in an attempt to appear masculine and folksy.

Minnesota thirty-damn-two, Nevada 29

Florida International at Florida Atlantic

These schools had been a package deal ever since they both joined Division I-A as Sun Belt Conference members in 2004. In 2013, they both jumped to Conference USA, and they remained together until last year, when the Burrowing Owls left FIU behind, and upgraded to the American Athletic Conference. The 2023 season was the first time they did not renew this rivalry, with FAU holding a commanding 14-5 advantage.

This might be an opportune time for the Panthers to pounce on their rivals in Boca Raton. A week ago, the International Men of Mystery kept Central Michigan guessing throughout a 52-16 stumper. They are not likely to duplicate their plus-6 turnover margin from that game, but then again, they may not need to in order to outpace an Owl offense that has scraped up a combined total of 17 points in losses to Michigan State and Army.

With the Owl offense being so quiet, that leaves Panther quarterback Keyone Jenkins and running back Kejon Owens as the keys to the game. Florida keys, that is. Nyuk, nyuk.

Florida International 17, Florida Atlantic 13

North Texas at Texas Tech

The Red Raiders averted a major upset in Week 1, when they blew a 32-14 lead against Division I-AA Abeline Christian, only to pull the game out in overtime, 52-51. They surrendered 506 passing yards against ACU that day, and a week later were steamrolled for 301 rushing yards in a 37-16 loss at Washington State. Now, they must try again to guard against the pass, facing TCU transfer Chandler Morris, who led the Mean Green to an opening 52-38 victory over South Alabama with 415 yards through the air.

TT will be counting on tailback Tajh Brooks to tee off on a UNT defense that ranked fourth-worst in the nation a year ago. In 2023, Brooks rushed for 1,541 yards, which was good for second in the Big XII, behind only Ollie Gordonii of Okie State.

Useless Fact of the Week: Lubbock is almost due west of Denton, but it is also ever so slightly north. That's how big Texas is, that there's still some Texas left to the north of North Texas. Then again, there's a whole lot of Florida left to the south of the University of South Florida, which is in Tampa. Then, there's Northwestern State University, in Louisiana, which is to say the Southeast.

The Czar stands corrected. Texas is not big after all. You can't argue with science.

Texas Tech 44, North Texas 31

Toledo at Mississippi State

It took the mud puppies until very late in the third quarter to get a foothold in a 30-23 defeat at Arizona State. They had been trailing 30-3 at one point, until they finally put together a pair of touchdown drives, while their defense forced back-to-back three-and-outs.

The Rockets may be 2-0, but that includes an opening 49-10 win over I-AA Duquesne (tough September for the Dukes), and the following home game against Umass was anything but encouraging. UT was mostly manhandled by the Minutemen, except that they got the game's only takeaway, and added a touchdown on a kickoff return to win, 38-23.

Rocket receiver Junior Vandeross is not a junior in the familial sense. We know this because he is listed as Junior Vandross III on the team roster, although the annoying suffix correctly does not appear on his jersey. (Three cheers for the equipment manager!) He is in his junior year, however, which is enough to justify his use of the name. Next season, he will just have to get by on irony.

Mississippi State 26, Toledo 16

Indiana at UCLA

The 1-0 Bruins have had a week off since an opening trip to Hawaii, where they lagged behind the home team 10-0 at halftime. Their defense drove them back to a 16-13 victory, by registering five sacks and three takeaways.

In yet another game that should never have been scheduled, the Hoosiers hauled off and clobbered a helpless Western Illinois team, 77-3. Not only are the Leathernecks a Division I-AA school, but one that is now on a 26-game losing streak. How does a power conference team even give up a field goal to those guys? Adding to that result an opening 31-7 win over Florida International, IU really hasn't given us much to go on so far.

That Hawaii game was the head coaching debut for former Bruin running back Deshaun Foster, whose offense doesn't move nearly as fast as Chip Kelly's, nor does his mouth. Both of those changes must be welcome developments in Pasadena for the time being.

Kelly is now the offensive coordinator at Ohio State, contrary to rumors that he had found employment announcing the disclaimers at the end of pharmaceutical ads.

UCLA 24, Indiana 23

Hawaii at Sam Houston

Hawaii is a state, but Sam Houston is not. Most of us already knew that, but what is less widely known is that Sam Houston is not in Houston, but is instead located in Huntsville, about 70 miles to the north. The Bearkats play their home games at Elliot T. Bowers Stadium, although calling it a stadium is a bit of an embellishment. The wide-open 14,000-seat facility is really just an artificial turf playing surface surrounded by a running track, with a modest stand between the twenties on either side, entirely too far away from the field.

The Rainbow Warriors, who are playing their home games at 15,000-seat T.C. Ching Athletics Complex while awaiting construction of the new Aloha Stadium, ought to feel right at home as they play this game almost 4,000 miles from Honolulu.

The administrators at UH have got to be sweating poi right now. If the Pac 12's continued poaching of the Mountain West does not include the Rainbow Warriors, they could be left with a dearth of available opponents on the West Coast. With the new stadium construction running into roadblocks, it might not be much longer before major college football says aloha to UH.

So, why is the school called Sam Houston? Because Sam Huntsville was not the father of the Republic of Texas. Besides, he always used to say the word "question" before asking a question, and people really hated that.

Hawaii 15, Sam Houston 9

The College Football Czar

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