The Original College Football Czar

Week 3

Week two in review: Only two games in, and already Alabama has been defeated, and probably not for the last time this season. The Crimson Tide were toppled by former assistant coach Steve Sarkisian and his Texas Longhorns. If you look at Bama's schedule, they could easily take a second loss and remain in the CFP picture, however.

Georgia and Michigan remain numbers one and two in the rankings, and we can expect them to remain there as long as they are unbeaten. The College Football Czar thinks the pollsters ought to erase their preseason rankings from their minds at this point, and actually be guided by on-field performances, in which case his #1 team would now be Florida State. The Seminoles followed their emphatic 45-24 Labor Day victory over LSU by turning a potential trap game into a 66-13 romp over Southern Miss.

Enough already, Deion and Son. No, you are not being "disrespected" by everybody with whom you cross paths, but keep it up, and you soon will be. The Czar has always had little tolerance for the "no respect" method of self-motivation, but the new-look Colorado Buffaloes are taking it to a new low. Following their 36-14 victory over Nebraska, quarterback and coach's son Shedeur Sanders complained that Cornhusker coach Matt Rhule "said a lot of things about my pops, about the program, but now that he want [sic] to act nice, I don't respect that because you're hating on [sic] another man. You shouldn't do that. It was just, all respect was gone for them and their program. I like playing against their DC, I like playing against them, but the respect level, it ain't there cause you disrespected us first."

He did not bother to list the "lot of things" that Rhule had said about Coach Sanders. The only indirectly negative remark from the coach of the N-men was that he said after being hired, "I had my first team meeting last night. I'm one of those guys, I don't let the cameras in. I want it to always be about the players." That's right, Shedeur. Nobody says that and gets away with it! Rest assured that the Buffs have already got a prepared list of exaggerated or imagined offenses by each of their ten remaining opponents. Another thing we can expect to continue is that Prime the Younger will use this "disrespect" to justify his own unsportsmanlike conduct. He was flagged for one 15-yarder last Saturday, and he could have easily had at least two others, and his dad apparently found it terribly amusing.

Coach Sanders will almost assuredly improve his record at CU to 3-0 this week, in a game against intrastate foe Colorado State that has little enough expectation of competitiveness that the Czar will not pad his record by offering a prediction. How well this early success will hold up once the Pac 12 season starts, we'll see. One thing's for sure, you don't earn respect just by winning games on the football field, and if these guys want to yelp about being disrespected, they'll have no shortage of opportunities in the near future.

After a disappointing opening to the season, the College Football Czar bounced back in Week 2 with a record of 13-6. For the season, he now stands at 29-18, for a .617 winning percentage.

Sept. 15

Army at UTSA

The Black Knights have abandoned the wishbone this year, because they found it too difficult to comply with the tightened rules against cut-blocking. As a result, they're making a greater commitment to their passing game, which understandably worked out better in last week's 59-0 drubbing of Division I-AA Delaware State than it did in their opening 17-13 loss to Terry Bowden's Louisiana-Monroe team.

At 1-1, the Roadrunners have had little to meep about, with an offense that has been moving so slowly that it could easily be mashed by One (1) Acme 16-Ton Weight suspended over a mound of bird seed. In games against Houston and Texas State, eleventeenth-year senior Frank Harris has only passed for 209 and 214 yards, respectively. Last season, he surpassed those amounts in every game with the exception of a blowout victory over Rice, in which he was yanked in the middle of the third quarter.

The army finally arrives at the Alamo, 187 years too late. Oh, well. If the odds had been on the good guys' side, it would not have made such a great movie, and a handful of really weenie ones. The Czar must admit that in the otherwise dreadful 2004 version, Billy Bob Thornton gave quite a convincing performance as Johnny Letter, or whoever he was supposed to be.

UTSA 24, Army 14

Utah State at Air Force

The Lightning Eleven went 10-3 last season, with those three losses by an average of only five points each. The most lopsided of those was a disappointing defensive breakdown against USU, resulting in a 34-27 setback that ended their hopes of winning the Mountain West..

In the Aggies' opener in Iowa City, they gave up two early touchdowns, but hung with the Hawkeyes the rest of the way through a 24-14 loss. A week later, they tatered Division I-AA Idaho State 78-28. It's never easy to draw any conclusions from beating up on a lower-division foe, but that is the same ISU team that only lost to San Diego State by eight points a week earlier.

Unlike the critically acclaimed Johnny Letter movie, last week's Falcon game had no happy ending for Sam Houston, as the AFA defense flattened the Bearkats 13-3. It's debatable how concerned the flyboys should be about their low point total against the Division I-A newcomers, because that same SH team had only lost to Brigham Young 14-0 in its opener.

Why are there three major college football teams named after Aggie? That woman must have been a real brute.

Utah State 20, Air Force 16

Sept. 16

Pitt at West Virginia

Early indications are that the Panthers will remain 0-for-the portal where QB transfers are concerned, after Phil Jurkovec's 10-for-32 debut in a 27-21 loss to Cincinnati. Big things had been expected of the former Notre Dame backup and Boston College starter because Pitt offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti had worked with him at BC in 2020-21. Based on Cignetti's performance with this Panther offense last season, it is not at all clear that his endorsement should carry that much weight.

To make matters worse, Jurkovec criticized the fans for booing him after the game. "If you're a grown-ass man booing in that stadium, I think you have to go and look at yourself," he said. "I think that's pathetic." More pathetic than a 31.3 completion percentage? He and his team are only two weeks and one legitimate game into the season, but it already looks like this is not going to end well.

If Panther running back Rodney Hammond isn't playing through an injury, there's no excuse for how little he's being used. Taking him out of the game after five carries against Division I-AA Wofford made perfect sense, but why did he only get six carries against UC, when his team was in desperate need of a little leadership?

The Mountaineers hosted another opponent from the Iron City a week ago, when they beat up on I-AA Duquesne, 56-17. The only noteworthy thing about that game was that freshman wide receiver Hudson Clement played well enough that head coach Neal Brown awarded him a scholarship. A scholarship to WVU? Great! Now he can earn himself a degree in tattooing, or carcass identification, or whatever else they teach down there.

West Virginia 25, Pitt 22

Penn State at Illinois

When these teams last met in 2021, it was the Fighting Illini who walked out of Beaver Stadium with an unlikely 20-18 victory, after playing nine extra frames in the newly stupid overtime format, which requires the game to be decided by alternating two-point conversion attempts after the second OT period. The outcome of this rematch is likely to be decided while they're still playing the game of football, which is not good news for the U of I.

The Illini got coldcocked by the KU-KU pigeon sisters last Friday night, falling behind Kansas 34-7 late in the third quarter. They managed to rally their way to a more respectable final score of 34-23, but the 262 rushing yards they allowed do not suggest that they will show much resistance this week against Lion sophomores Nicholas Singleton and Kaytron Allen.

Nittany Lion wide receiver KeAndre Lambert-Smith hobbled off the field twice during a pointless 63-7 romp over the Delaware Fighting Blue Hens, with an apparent left ankle injury. PSU may rely mostly on its loaded backfield, but they do not want to lose the biggest weapon in their receiving corps with a rugged Iowa defense coming to town in Week 4.

Illinois wide receiver Isaiah Williams played quarterback in high school, but he is no relation to former Illini QB Juice Williams, whose first name is also Isaiah. The younger Isaiah Williams doesn't have a cool nickname, because that goes with the four additional inches and the subsequent starting QB job.

Penn State 40, Illinois 14

Kansas State at Missouri

To get an idea what a misfit Mizzou is in the SEC, just look at how quickly Alabama dismissed the MT-heads in Week 1, and how the Tigers barely held on by their fingernails against that same Blue Raider team. In that 23-19 scare, wide receiver Luther Burdeniii carried the load, gaining 117 yards on eight receptions. The ground game couldn't keep up, however, accounting for only 2.4 yards per carry. They are not just a nitwit. Why don't they fit in? Perhaps because it's the Southeast Conference and they're in the Midwest. Just an hunch.

The Wildcats won a battle of 2022 conference champions, although it wasn't as evenly matched as that makes it sound. Senior wide receiver Phillip Brooks pulled down seven passes for 94 yards and a touchdown, in a 42-13 thumping of Sun Belt winner Troy.

Calling defective toys misfits is kind of like referring to Division I-AA as FCS. It's no worse, you see, just different. Of course, what makes it different is that it's worse. Just ask the poor kid who got the boat that can't stay afloat for Christmas.

Kansas State 35, Missouri 24

Tennessee at Florida

You'd think it would be an easy transition from the bayou to The Swamp, since they're really the same thing by different names, but former Ragin Cajun coach Billy Napier has yet to make many on-field gains in Gainesville. In this year's opener, his Gators got bogged down in a 24-11 loss to Utah, their fourth consecutive defeat against Division I-A competition, going back to last November.

In his third season with the Volunteers, quarterback Joe Miltoniii has thrown a total of 207 passes, without yet being intercepted. Part of the reason, is that he does not take many chances, to which this year's meager total of 429 yards on 42 completions will attest. When he was at Michigan, he got picked off one time more than he scored, but he is no longer showing any indication of the thumb injury that nagged him earlier in his career.

When Gator QB Graham Mertz was at Wisconsin, the College Football Czar nicknamed him Ethel Mertz, except that it now occurs to the Czar that he was usually misspelling it as Ethyl, which is a type of alcohol. It's not the kind that you drink, though. If it were, then at least that would explain why Fred married her.

Tennessee 23, Florida 7

TCU at Houston

An easy 41-6 win against Division I-AA Nicholls Don't Call Us A State can't disguise the Horned Frogs' horrid defensive performance in a 45-42 opening loss to Colorado. We should get a better idea how much of Shedeur Sanders' 510-yard performance was the doing of this D when it goes up against UH wide receiver Samuel Brown, who has topped the 100-yard mark in each of two games against legitimate competition.

The Cougars rallied from a 28-0 deficit to force overtime against crosstown rival Rice, only to miss their conversion attempt in the second OT and lose, 45-43. Not exactly the result they were looking for to lead into their Big XII debut. It was a promising performance, however, for new starting QB Donovan Smith, who passed for 260 yards, rushed for 59 more, and scored (not "was responsible for") five touchdowns. If we're seriously going to start counting touchdowns "responsible for," could you get one for throwing a really good block? Maybe if we credited everybody who was responsible, there wouldn't be one boob jerking around in the end zone and taking all the credit.

It's a little-known fact that the Big XII was named after a Chinese gangster. So joining that conference is pretty much like buying an NBA franchise.

Houston 31, TCU 30

Fresno State at Arizona State

The Bulldogs have had a lot of success against the Pac 12, including their only meeting with ASU, a 31-20 win in the 2018 Las Vegas Bowl. Over the past five seasons, they are 3-3 against Pac 12 teams, with all three losses by eight points or fewer.

Mikey likes it at FSU, and for good reason. Former Central Florida QB Mikey Keene proved he is not only pawn in game of Life when he checkmated Purdue on the road in Week 1. Keene completed 31 of 44 for 366 yards that day, with four touchdown passes, to win a 39-34 slugfest.

The Sun Devils lost last week to Oklahoma State 27-15, but they appear to have settled on a starting running back in Cameron Skattebo, whose surname is either an X-Games event or a Cab Calloway lyric. Skattebo hails from Rio Linda, California, a town that became famous as the butt of jokes on the Rush Limbaugh Show. For those who are unfamiliar, Rush lived near Rio Linda for a time, and once took a legendarily stupid call from one of its residents. From that point on, he would always overexplain things for them, as in, "a dozen -- that's twelve, for those of you in Rio Linda." For somebody from that town to earn a scholarship, he must be a pretty good ballplayer.

Fresno State 41, Arizona State 24

LSU at Mississippi State

The Mike Leach era at MSU kicked off with a wild 44-34 victory at Louisiana State in 2020, which you probably didn't expect, unless you happened to be, oh, some sort of czar or other. How will the Bulldogs fare now that they're drifting away from the Air Raid offense under new coach Zach Arnett?

Since then, the Tigers have won both games, to take a commanding 73-37-3 lead in the overall series. In 2022, they spotted the mud puppies a 13-0 lead, but scored three fourth-quarter touchdowns to seal a deceptively comfortable-looking 31-16 final.

The Dogs have jettisoned the familiar M logo from their helmets this year, in favor of the word "State" in script. The College Football Czar can think of only three reasons for them to have done this: (a) "Mississippi" is too hard for them to spell or pronounce, which created an awkward situation whenever somebody asked what the M stood for; (b) they found that the cowbells by themselves were not sufficiently annoying; or (c) they, like their rivals from Ole Miss who also don't use the name Mississippi, are simply ashamed of it.

LSU 39, Mississippi State 22

Minnesota at North Carolina

It's a good thing Golden Gopher WR Daniel Jackson didn't go any pherther toward the sideline in the fourth quarter against Nebraska in Week 1, or his game-winning, toe-dragging touchdown would never have happened. In Week 2, it was freshman tailback Darius Taylor who demolished presumptive MAC contender Eastern Michigan for 193 yards, in a 25-6 runaway.

The NCAA badly needed to curb the trend of repeated transfers, but in the College Football Czar's opinion, it should have made its rule change effective at the end of this season, instead of springing it in the middle of January so that it impeded some offseason transfers and not others. Former Kent State wide receiver Tez Walker has been denied the ability to transfer to North Carolina, because he had already transferred from Division I-AA Nc Central to KSU. One catch: he never played for NCCU, because that school canceled its 2020 season due to Covid.

If that had been the rule everybody had to play by since the end of last season, so be it, but how can it be rationally justified, when quarterback J.T. Daniels transferred to Rice before the new rule was passed, and is now playing at his fourth school in as many years? Walker had no way to know that a roadblock would suddenly be thrown in his path, or else he surely would have stayed with the Golden Flashes. By this point, the players are used to being able to play for six years, and to go wherever they want from one season to the next. Of course that's an untenable situation, but before it changes, they deserve a fair warning.

The Tar Heels trailed Appalachian State on five different occasions before finally getting a stop in the second overtime to prevail, 40-34. Even with the aid of two extra series in OT, Drake Maye only passed for 208 yards. It was the sixth consecutive time he compiled fewer than 270 passing yards, after having surpassed that total in each of his first ten games of 2022.

Gosh, the radiant rodents defeated Nebraska? That must make P.J. Fleck the greatest coach of all-time, right?

North Carolina 33, Minnesota 18

Louisville at Indiana

This game will be sure to get more than its share of attention on GameDay, because each of these teams was coached for a time by Lee Corso. Ironically, he spent his longest stint as a head coach at IU, which has no mascot, and thus no mascot head. The College Football Czar suspects there's a term paper in there somewhere.

Jack Plummer didn't show any crack in his season opener, as the QB held his Cardinals together for a 39-34 comeback win over Georgia Tech in Atlanta. The former Purdue and Cal passer led his team back from a 28-13 halftime deficit, giving them the lead for good on a 20-yard TD pass to Jamari Thrash, midway through the fourth quarter.

The Hoosiers were held to 153 total yards in a 23-3 opening loss to Ohio State, but the fact that they never let the game get out of hand gives them reason for optimism in games against opponents who are a little closer to their talent level, like this one. Unlike the visitors from The Ville, IU remains unsettled at quarterback between freshman Brendan Sorsby and Tennessee transfer Tayven Jackson. The latter of the two got the start last week against Division I-AA Indiana State, for whatever that's worth.

In spite of the close proximity of these two schools, they have only ever met twice on the gridiron, with the Hoosiers handling the Cards in a home-and-home series way back in 1985-86. That strikes the Czar as more than a little peculiar, since Louisville's rival Cincinnati is only about five minutes closer. Perhaps it's just that the Cardinals are now willing to travel to Bloomington for the first time since the MTV era, in hopes that John Mellencamp will no longer be there.

Louisville 27, Indiana 21

Virginia Tech at Rutgers

Not only did Tech lose 24-17 to Purdue last week, but it took them about nine hours to do so, because of a six-hour "weather delay." The only weather-related justification for delaying a football game is lightning, and the game is allowed to resume 30 minutes after the last lightning strike. This needs to be made mandatory, because there was no excuse for a delay of that length, or the threat that the game might be canceled altogether. Obviously, after the lightning had stopped, somebody made the decision to wait it out until the entire system had passed. That ought to be a scandal. There are no rain delays in football, or at least, there aren't supposed to be. If there were any justice in the world of sports, instead of merely "justice," all the paying fans would be refunded for their tickets for this game, and the visiting PU fans would be compensated for their travel and lodgings as well. These people were robbed, all because a small number of others, or perhaps only one, made this dictatorial and thoroughly wussy decision.

The Scarlet Knights once led this series 3-0 after winning their first game as Big East opponents in 1992, but the Gobblers have taken the last twelve, the most recent of which was the 2012 edition of the Russell Athletic Bowl in Orlando. That's the same game that had been known as the Tangerine Bowl when it was moved from Miami to Orlando, and has most recently been rebranded the Pop Tarts Bowl. This is why the College Football Czar thinks it's important for bowl games to retain their original titles, and sell only sponsorships instead of naming rights. Nobody remembers great moments in Blockbuster/Carquest/Micron PC/Tangerine/Champs Sports/Russell Athletic/Camping World/Cheez-It/Pop Tarts Bowl history.

Actually, the history of pop tarts would be quite interesting. Especially the chapter on Diana Rigg.

Virginia Tech 21, Rutgers 13

Brigham Young at Arkansas

Those fans who expect this to be an explosive offensive game might be disappointed. The Razorbacks were not all that sharp last week in a 28-6 win against Kent State, whereas the Cougars opened their season with a cat-atonic 14-0 snooze against Division I-A newcomer Sam Houston.

The Cougars must be hoping last week's performance did some good for the confidence of new QB Kedon Slovis, but the former USC slinger, whose career suffered a Pitt-fall last season, won't be playing against the Southern Utah Thunderbirds this week. Against Division I-A competition, Slovis hasn't topped the 300-yard mark since an infamously erratic performance in the Panthers' upset loss to Georgia Tech, in Week 4 of last season.

Hog wide receiver Isaac TeSlaa pronounces his name "teh-SLAW," and not "TEZ-lah." The transfer from Division II Hillsdale College in Michigan has got nothing in the world to do with that electric vehicle manufacturer, other than he probably also wants to beat up Mark Zuckerberg, just like everybody else.

Arkansas 28, Brigham Young 23

Washington at Michigan State

Xjr marks the spot for Husky QB Michael Penixjr, who has been right on target in blowout victories over Boise State and Tulsa. Penixjr first grabbed people's attention last year in a Week 3 win in East Lansing, where he threw for 397 yards and four TDs in a 39-28 toppling of a then-highly ranked Sparty.

MSU head coach Mel Tucker has been suspended without pay for allegedly sexually harassing somebody that ESPN describes as "a noted sexual harassment awareness speaker." The College Football Czar doesn't pretend to know whether the accusation is legitimate or not. Maybe Tucker found some ironic humor in sexually harassing a noted sexual harassment awareness speaker. But do you suppose, on the other hand, that the noted sexual harassment awareness speaker might have been a little too aware, and that somebody who identifies herself as such might not exactly have objective or realistic views on the subject?

The accusation is based on a phone call, which makes it more suspicious in the Czar's mind, because the noted sexual harassment awareness speaker didn't simply hang up. Tucker claims the exchange between them was not only consensual, but initiated by the noted sexual harassment awareness speaker. Nevertheless, his own account of the contents of that call are embarrassing, and likely to cause many high school parents to be unwilling to entrust their sons to his program.

So, to summarize, at the end of the 2021 season, the Spartans signed Coach Tucker to a ten-year, $95 million contract. In 2022, he produced a miserable flop of a season, finishing 5-7 and losing star quarterback Payton Thorne to Auburn. 2023: "Send in the noted sexual harassment awareness speaker!" In the words of Mister Potter, "Do I paint an accurate picture, or do I exaggerate?"

The Czar hereby nominates Coach Tucker for the Lardhead of the Year Award, not for having gotten himself into this predicament, but by trying to get out of it by asserting, "there is an ulterior motive designed to terminate my contract based on some factor such as ... my race or gender." Sure, Mel. When the MSU administrators hired you away from Colorado, and then signed you to that lucrative extension two years later, they had no idea you were a black guy. They only found that out when they read it in the papers later on, and were they ever furious! And of course they want to fire you for being a man. The Czar has it on good authority that they've been yearning to replace you with Goldie Hawn ever since they watched Wildcats on the NFL Network during the offseason.

Washington 51, Michigan State 38

Vanderbilt at UNLV

The Rebels roll out the crinkly carpet for their SEC opponents, the first they will have hosted since they upended Arkansas, 31-14 in the 2000 Las Vegas Bowl. They haven't won a bowl game since then, but they will stand a good chance of playing in one if they can knock off Vandy, with UTEP, Hawaii and Nevada upcoming on their schedule.

Last week was the first loss of the season for the Commodores, who were shut down in the second half by Wake Forest, 36-20. Vandy did win its opening game against Hawaii, and has now won three in a row against opponents from the Mountain West. Its last defeat to a team from that conference, however, was a 34-10 throttling at the hands of this same Nevada-Las Vegas club. Well, not the same one. Almost all of the players are different now, and so is the coaching staff. Aside from personnel, however, the team is exactly the same. Take the helmet decal, for instance.

The Commodores like to call themselves the Dores for short. Sure, that's lame, but the College Football Czar finds it refreshing that a university would not have picked the Commies instead.

Vanderbilt 49, UNLV 41

La.-Lafayette at UAB

After last week's 49-35 loss at Georgia Southern, first-year Blazer coach Trent Dilfer will try to silence the naysayers, which is something he has always struggled to do. Heck, the Czar still doesn't believe he ever won a Super Bowl.

The Ragin Cajuns can't wait to get back to some home cooking, not just because drive-through crawfish places are hard to come by in Birmingham, but because ULL got off to a bad start on the road, in a 38-31 loss at Old Dominion in their Sun Belt opener. The Cajun defense did not succeed in caging the ODU passing game, which struck for four TD passes of 30 yards or more.

The public address operator at Protective Stadium must think the name of the home team is the Blarers instead, because the music is so loud that it will bother you at home while you're watching on TV. Contrary to the apparent intention, this only serves to make the crowd seem far smaller and quieter than it really is. If the Czar didn't know better, he would suspect this was another attempt to sabotage the Alabama-Birmingham program by the cantankerous children of Bear Bryant.

... and the Czar doesn't know better.

UAB 52, La.-Lafayette 36

New Mexico State at New Mexico

The series that is known as the Rio Grande Rivalry (to those who know it at all, which is nobody) has been historically dominated by UNM, 62-23-2, but it was NMSU that prevailed a year ago in Las Cruces, 21-9. The Aggies barely moved the ball that day, but in a game in which each team punted six times, they got the better of those exchanges, and scored two TDs on third-quarter drives that started in Lobo territory. This meeting, likewise, figures to be a battle of attrition, which the Czar is pretty sure is derived from the Latin word for "crap."

Junior Aggie quarterback Diego Pavia may have good intentions, but we all know where that leads. In two games against Division I-A competition, the scrappy scrambler has thrown as many interceptions (4) as touchdowns. The Albuquerque native might unwittingly become the home team's secret weapon.

Rio Grande, the classic John Ford cavalry movie, has got to be a favorite of Lee Corso's, for no other reason than that they say "yo" in it a lot. Nobody in it says "not so fast, my friend," nor does anyone say that other thing the coach famously said over the air, but they sure do say "yo."

New Mexico 26, New Mexico State 14

Syracuse at Purdue

With a win, the Orange could be off to another superficially impressive start, having already blown out Division I-AA Colgate and MAC also-ran Western Michigan, and with a Week 4 meeting coming up against Army. SU hasn't won a nonconference road game against a power-five opponent, however, since a 2006 win over an Illinois team that finished 2-10.

The Boilermakers look to make amens for their meltdown last season at SU, where they took the lead with 51 seconds to play, only to commit two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties after their go-ahead touchdown. Following the subsequent kickoff from the 10-yard-line, they aided the Orange drive with two more penalties, each of which resulted in a third-down conversion. One Garrett Shrader-to-Oronde Gadsden pass later, and PU was on its way home with a shocking defeat.

Like the song says, I'd rather be a hammer than an orange. Okay, so that's not what the song says, but whom are you going to believe, the College Football Czar, or some creepy guy who sings with his hands in his front pockets?

Purdue 38, Syracuse 20

The College Football Czar

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