The Original College Football Czar

Week 2

Week one in review: So much for the College Football Czar's group-of-six CFP pick. UNLV has already all but eliminated itself with a 27-21 home loss to Memphis, in which the Vegas offensive line showed about as much resistance as that guy Joe Pesci attacked with the ballpoint pen.

The Czar was pleased to see the officials at the Emerald Isle Classic call TCU running back Jeremy Page for unsportsmanlike conduct, after he made a "nose wipe" gesture and then signaled a first down. The prohibited behavior, however, was far too narrowly defined. Both the NFL and the NCAA have proscribed the nose wipe because it is associated with gang activity, but there should not have needed to be some sort of anthropological study before declaring it illegal. Football players started making that motion as a substitute for the already banned throat slash, in the same way that a child in the back seat of the car says "I'm not touching yooooou," while pointing a finger an inch away from his sister's face. If the throat slash is illegal, then so is the snotty, "this is not really a throat slash" motion. No further explanation is necessary.

Here's an idea. How about calling an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on anybody who conducts himself in an unsportsmanlike manner? Flag a player for the throat slash because it's unsportsmanlike, regardless of whether there's any gangster connotation or not. Ditto that for the nose wipe. Even without that, Page's first down signal should have been penalized, because its purpose was to show up the defenders. The refs don't need to mount a quasi-legal defense to explain why they threw a flag, when it has always been against the rules to behave like a posterior pickle on the field of play.

Elsewhere, LSU coach Lane Kiffin did not defy the SEC by putting professionals on the field, but it turned out that playing the guys who had been practicing with the team for weeks was a better idea, as his Bayou Bengals buried Clemson 51-10. Still needing an outlet for his abrasiveness, Kiffin called for a two-point conversion attempt with a 44-3 lead. The try was unsuccessful, but he didn't need the points anyway, which is what made it such an obnoxious thing to do in the first place.

The most talked about game of the extended opening week was the Michigan-Western Michigan game, in which the Big Ten replay officials decided to recreate the 1972 Olympic basketball gold medal game, with their own team playing the role of the Soviet Union. More on that later.

Will somebody please teach Fox Sports announcer Tim Brando how to use articles and prepositions? A guy who gets paid for describing the action during football games ought to be expected to speak in complete sentences. So little additional effort goes into saying "it's a touchdown" than "it's touchdown" that the use of the word "a" is the least that should be expected of him in return for his salary. Do you suppose he talks this way in his life away from the game? "I go store get meat dinner." Perhaps Col. Hans Landa from Inglourious Basterds should be hired as Brando's partner in the booth, so that they might compensate for each other's grammatical shortcomings.

BRANDO: "It's touchdown!"

COL. LANDA: "That's a hooray!"

The Czar dropped five of his first seven games of the season, but started to rally during the Week 1 Friday night games, and ended up with a record of 22-8 by the end of the power outage-delayed Labor Day game between SMU and Florida State. He expects things to become more difficult as the matchups become more competitive, but he'll gladly accept his .733 winning percentage for the time being.

Sept. 11

Rutgers at Boston College

These former Big East doormats find themselves in a familiar position, each of them having been trodden upon in its season opener, BC by Cincinnati, 34-15, and the Scarlet Knights in a shocking 37-21 home loss to Umass last Thursday night.

If they're playing in Boston on 9/11, then this must be the Red Bandana Game, an annual event at which they honor BC alumnus Welles Crowther. He was a volunteer fireman who is credited with saving 18 people from the World Trade Center, until he lost his own life in the collapse of the second tower. The bandana that is used to memorialize him is similar to the one he wore to protect his nose and mouth as he repeatedly rushed up and down the stairs during the attack.

In a far less somber way, a red bandana is an important symbol for Rutgers, too. In the first-ever college football game, played in New Brunswick in 1869, the teams did not have uniforms. In order to distinguish themselves from their opponents from Princeton, the Rutgers players wore red bandanas, which is how they became known as the Scarlet Knights.

The Knights prevailed in that game by a final of six goals to four, which just goes to show that at some point, there must have been changes made to the rules of the game that were actually for the better.

Boston College 29, Rutgers 13

Missouri at Kansas

The Jayhawks must finally move on from six-year starting QB Jalon Daniels, who is now with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Impressively, they have not had to import his replacement, with new starter Isaiah Marshall and second-stringer Cole Ballard both having started their careers at KU, just like Daniels did.

Never mind the football rivalry, these two states have never exactly gotten along. They carried their differences onto the gridiron in 1891, where they have since met 121 times, with Mizzou holding a slender lead of 58-54-9. Unfortunately, the series had stopped after 2011, when the Tigers took off for the SEC, and was not renewed until just last season, when they stormed past the Sunflower Staters 42-31, after trailing 21-6 in the first quarter.

Tiger running back Ahmad Hardy will probably not be ready to return for this game, having already sat out a pointless 54-14 opening win against Division I-AA Arkansas-Powder Puff. Hardy is healing from being shot in the leg with a stray bullet at an outdoor concert during the offseason.

Nobody ever gets shot at a Ted Nugent concert. Ever notice that?

Missouri 38, Kansas 20

Sept. 12

Central Florida at Pitt

Panther quarterback Mason Heintschel tied a team record with seven touchdown passes in a surprisingly easy stroll past Miami Ohio, 59-14. The College Football Czar would prefer to un-asterisk that feat by saying that the sophomore slinger set a new record for TDs in regulation time, whereas Pete Gonzalez needed two tallies in OT to reach that mark in a 55-48 win at Rutgers in 1997.

The Knights picked up James Madison QB Alonza Barnett through the portal, but how much did he really have to do with the Dukes' playoff run last season? On a team that boasted the nation's fifth-rated defense and its seventh-leading running back, the JMU passing game wasn't that big a factor. Barnett completed 50 percent of his passes or fewer in five games out of fourteen, and he only topped the 300-yard mark once all season.

Last time these teams met, the Panthers blew a 21-0 lead, but scored with a minute to play for a dramatic 35-34 upset victory, snapping a 27-game regular season winning streak for UCF. The winning touchdown was on a risky fourth-and-goal misdirection play modeled after the "Philly special" that the Eagles had successfully run against the Patriots in the Super Bowl. After the game, the ever-witty coach Pat Narduzzi dubbed the play the "Pitt special." Where does he come up with this stuff?

Pitt 30, Central Florida 17

Penn State at Temple

On the surface, PSU's 45-0 pummeling of Marshall might look like a perfect start to its season. Next to the dominant defensive performance, however, the biggest story is that none of the new Nittany Lion running backs did anything to distinguish himself. Nobody expects them to just be able to replace Kaytron Allen and Nicholas Singleton, but they must have thought somebody would stand out in an opener against a small conference opponent. The only one who gained more than four yards a carry was Carson Hansen, formerly of Iowa State (as if you hadn't guessed).

It's rare that anything can be gleaned from a game against a lower-division opponent, but the Owls don't appear to be close to settling on a starting quarterback. Ajani Sheppard only completed half of his passes, although he ran the ball somewhat effectively. Jaxson Smolik threw his team's only TD pass while completing 4 of 6 for 57 yards, but he put the ball on the turf twice, losing one of those. The only reason they beat URI as handily as 38-14 was because the defense came up with two pick-sixes.

The most famous Owl alumnus must be appalled by the recent shenanigans at State College. Cos doesn't believe in drugs, you know. Not for himself, anyway.

Penn State 38, Temple 6

Ohio State at Texas

In one of the upsets of the week, both of these teams played Division I-A opponents, although the matchups were still far from competitive. The lumpy nuts knocked around Ball State 56-3, while the burnt orange overran Texas State 59-7.

The Longhorns were lucky to avert a shutout in last year's opener, a 14-7 bruising by the Buckeyes in Columbus. By that point, the development of QB Arch Manning had only come about as far as the "triumphal arch" in Washington. He is much more seasoned since a strong seven-game stretch to end the 2025 season.

Then again, so is OSU starter Julian Sayin. The College Football Czar's rule on completion percentages is that they don't mean a thing unless the quarterback is throwing for more than ten yards per completion. Anymore, you'll see a lot of 21-for-25 performances that basically consist of a lot of airborne handoffs, but Sayin slung the ball for 320 yards and three TDs against BSU. That's downright Phil Simms-like, although the Horns would probably prefer that he be more Chris Simms-like.

The Czar would like to go to Austin one day, to find out where the bleach goes that pours from the gigantic jug on the billboard. Well, not really. He just enjoys making references like that to irritate all of his readers who are under fifty, who will probably be in the single digits by the time they finish reading this.

Ohio State 25, Texas 22

Oklahoma at Michigan

If you watched the end of that Michigan-Western Michigan game and saw the clock hit triple-zeros during the Wolverines' first Hail Mary attempt, the Big Ten officially says you saw it wrong. The College Football Czar trusts you find that convincing. The Mid-American Conference readily accepted this explanation, which seemed to put the controversy to rest. The league has since reversed its position, however, and probably demoted whoever issued that press release from a Mac to a Hey Buddy. The MAC has an unofficial scheduling agreement with the Big Ten, which might explain its initial reticence, but it has since demanded that the NCAA and the CFP committee review the sequence and declare the Broncos the winners.

That improbably hope has already been rejected; nevertheless, the victory may prove a pyrrhic one for the maize and blue. With their strength of schedule, they could have easily made it into the playoffs with as many as three losses, but not if a committee that is guided by the subjective standard of the "eye test" questions whether they really beat WMU.

While being forced to dwell on last game, coach Kyle Whittingham must also prepare to face an SEC team that won ten games on the way to the playoffs in 2025. Last year in Norman, the Sooner defense held freshman QB Bryce Underwood to his weakest production of the season, allowing him only 9 completions on 24 attempts. OU won that game 24-13, led by legitimate dual-threat QB John Mateer. If Underwood underperforms again, don't be surprised to see freshman Tommy Carr take some snaps.

If the eye test is so important, shouldn't those spiffy helmets get Michigan into the playoffs every year?

Oklahoma 31, Michigan 16

Arizona at Brigham Young

There may have been a "Bear Down" in Tucson when these teams met last season, but not for good. Cougar quarterback Bear Bachmeier was definitely down, but surprisingly not out of the game at some point during a poor 12-for-29, two-INT performance. On the other paw, he did rush for 89 yards and two touchdowns, including one in the second overtime to secure an unsteady 33-27 victory.

Wildcat QB Noah Fifita got back on his fifeet last season, after stumbling badly in 2024. His 29 touchdowns were eleven more than he'd thrown the year before, and he cut his INTs in half, from twelve to six. Last time out against the Cougars, though, he seldom got the time to look downfield, gaining only 219 yards while going 25-for-45.

Bear has a brother named Tiger Bachmeier, who also plays for BYU, as a wide receiver. The two of them were initially recruited to Stanford, but transferred together to play for the Cougs. Bear and Tiger love to do everything together, like beating the phlegm out of anyone who says "oh, my" to them.

Brigham Young 20, Arizona 17

Duke at Illinois

In Week 2 of the 2025 season, the Blue Devils sure didn't look like potential ACC champions when they got blown off their home field by the Fighting Illini, 45-19. That was clearly an uncharacteristic performance, at minus-5 in turnovers, whereas they went plus-15 for the rest of the season.

Before the Michigan debacle, the Hail Mary everyone was talking about was the one by the Fighting Illini at the end of the first half against UAB last Thursday night. The Blazers had just whittled the U of I lead down to a single point when QB Katin Houser extended the Illini lead with an authoritative 54-yard throw into the end zone. A defender lardheadedly went for the interception rather than bat the ball down, and wide receiver Ty Robinson caught it for a TD on the deflection.

With the loss of Darian Mensah to Miami, Devil coach Manny Diaz had to take what 'e could get at the QB position this year. So he reached into the portal and pulled out Walter Eget, who had thrown for more than 3,000 yards last season at San Jose State.

The Virgin Mary doesn't care which team catches a football that has been thrown up for grabs in the end zone, you know. She is far too busy appearing in slices of raisin bread.

Illinois 21, Duke 13

Mississippi State at Minnesota

MSU set a new team record for total yards in a game with 762, in a 62-13 thrashing of Louisiana-Monroe. The question is whether ULM was making a mountain out of J.J. Hill, or if the freshman Bulldog running back is really as good as his stats suggest. In his first career action, Hill had 118 yards and two touchdowns on only seven carries.

The Golden Gopher offense didn't go very pher last season. At a rate of 293.2 yards per game, they were second worst in the 18-team Big Ten, ahead of only Wisconsin. Even last week against Division I-AA Eastern Illinois, their ground game only gained 3.9 yards per carry.

The College Football Czar often ridicules the "Row The Boat" mantra employed by coach P.J. Fleck, but he cannot deny its tactical value. If history teaches us anything, it is that a bunch of gophers rowing a boat provides a significant element of surprise. The Confederates never saw them coming at the Battle of Vicksburg, for instance.

... which of course they didn't, but that's beside the point.

Mississippi State 26, Minnesota 21

Old Dominion at Virginia Tech

If head coach James Franklin wants to get along better with the fans in Blacksburg than the ones at Penn State, a convincing win over ODU would be a good start. In the seven games between these intrastate foes beginning in 2017, Tech has been toppled by the Monarchs three times, including last year's 45-26 trouncing that was not nearly as close as the final score.

The lion kings offered more than token resistance in last year's opener against eventual national champion Indiana, falling by a final of 27-14. They did allow 502 yards that day, but they stopped the Hoosiers twice on fourth down inside the ten-yard line to keep themselves in the game.

Hiring the ex-PSU skipper might have been an unsound decision for the Gobblers, historically speaking. When Franklin led the cause of the turkeys, they lost.

Virginia Tech 29, Old Dominion 19

Alabama at Kentucky

The Bama defense beat the pieces of eight out of the East Carolina in last week's opener, a 48-10 trampling in which the Crimson Tide allowed exactly no third and fourth-down conversions. For the game, they outrushed ECU by a total of 227-2.

Former Louisville quarterback Will Stein has ironically taken the reins as head coach of arch rival Kentucky. Stein's lone start against the Wildcats was memorable for the wrong reason, as he left the game early with a shoulder injury, and was replaced by Teddy Bridgewater. The rest is Wally Pipp history.

Wally Pipp is so famously forgotten that everybody remembers who he was. And no, that's not a Yogi Berra quote.

Alabama 23, Kentucky 6

Tennessee at Georgia Tech

Even before Alberto Mendoza was hobbled on a second-quarter sack, he was unable to drive his Yellowjackets to the end zone in a 14-13 setback against Colorado. Tech's only TD of the night was a 100-yard kickoff return by WR Rahkeem Smith.

Coach Josh Heupel has named freshman Faizon Brandon as the new starting QB at the School of Hard Knox. Little can be told from his success in last week's opener against the mighty Man of Fur. He'll get a much tougher test in his first game against Division I-A competition.

The Volunteers have got questions at quarterback, but their running game is in the capable hands of DeSean Bishop, who topped the 1,000-yard mark a year ago. That's pretty impressive, considering that every defensive coordinator in the SEC knows he can only move diagonally.

Tennessee 17, Georgia Tech 10

Iowa State at Iowa

The Clones better have their human replicator in high gear, if they are to replace the personnel they lost to Penn State during the offseason. Coach Matt Campbell took two dozen players with him to State College, including starting QB Rocco Becht, and second-stringer Alex Manske. At that position, at least, they appear to be in good hands, having picked up Jaylen Raynor from Arkansas State. In three seasons with the Red Wolves, Raynor has passed for 8,694 yards, and rushed for 1,803 more.

ISU might not be the same team as last year, but Iowa always is. The only thing surprising about the Hawkeyes' shutout of Northern Illinois was the 40 points they put up on their side of the scoreboard. Kamari Moulton ran like mercury all over the field, streaking for 183 yards and two scores on 11 carries.

These teams compete annually for possession of the Cy-Hawk Trophy. Get it? "Cy" for Cyclones, "Hawk" for Hawkeye; ergo, "Cy-Hawk." Who do you suppose named it, Pat Narduzzi?

Iowa 24, Iowa State 14

Arizona State at Texas A&M

The end to the ampersanders' run in 2025 left the fans in College Station saying, "And?" Their season was squelched on their home field in a first-round playoff game against Miami, which they lost 10-3 after failing to finish a late drive that stalled at the Hurricane five-yard line.

The Sun Devils are only a year removed from a CFP appearance themselves. In order to get back there, they'll need to find a spark after fizzling to an 8-5 finish in 2025. The College Football Czar is doubtful that new starting quarterback Cutter Boley, who tossed 15 TDs and 12 interceptions last year at Kentucky, is the one to provide it.

Q: Why does the devil always carry a fork?

A: Because they serve lots of Van Camp's Beanee Weenee in hell.

Texas A&M 37, Arizona State 29

Washington State at Kansas State

The College Football Czar has got to give Wazzu the edge in the battle of feline silhouette helmet logos, because theirs serves as a monogram for the university, and thus could not be used for many football teams other than their own, whereas the K-State cat has been appropriated by semi-pro and high school teams all over the country.

So, the Cougars may be better at protecting their intellectual property, but perhaps they should concentrate more on protecting the ball. In last week's Apple Cup at Washington, they gave up the game's only three turnovers to lose to their bitter rivals 24-10.

The Wildcats declined to play in a bowl game last year, but they could be counted on to show up and stomp Division I-AA Nicholls Don't-Call-Us-A-State in their season opener. In truth, they were kind of absent from that game too, even though they won it by a score of 71-3. Committing only one penalty all game is superficially impressive, especially in a season opener, but it also reflects an utter lack of intensity.

KSU is located in the town of Folkshattan, Kansas. You see, the College Football Czar decided a few years ago that he would start using "folks" in place of "man" in all contexts so that he may be as inoffensive as Ace Hardware. Frankly, he has been negligent.

Say, have you seen the news from the Folkshattan in New York? People have been mysteriously roaming around in the sewers, popping out of folksholes and running away.

Just trying to play a little catch-up here.

Washington State 45, Kansas State 42

South Florida at Army

USF clashes with the Cadets for the first time in an American Conference game. They split their only two previous meetings in 2003-04, when they were foes in Conference USA. The Black Knight bailed out of that league a year later and returned to Independent status, but conference affiliation is treating them a little better this time around. In seven years as a C-USA member, they went 13-67, but they are now 20-8 since joining the American.

The Bulls forced turnovers on three consecutive Florida International possessions in the second half to grind out an ugly 19-9 win to open the season, but it was the two first-half series where they stopped FIU on downs that allowed them to take a 6-0 lead into the break.

The College Football Czar sometimes pokes fun at South Florida for being due west of Central Florida, but the point in West Point points east. It looks like our president has been renaming all the wrong places.

South Florida 23, Army 12

California at Syracuse

One consolation about a star player having a terrible opening game is that it allows the hype around him to dissipate so that the team can get on with its season. At least that's the most positive spin that could possibly be put on the Golden Bears' 45-24 beating at the hands of former Pac 12 rival UCLA, in which QB Jaron-Keawe Sagapolutele threw two picks and lost a fumble.

The Orange was 0-for-the-2025-season after Steve Angeli's Achilles injury, finishing 3-9 after a 3-1 start. The former Notre Dame QB now plays under a dome far less aesthetically pleasing than the one that is associated with his old school in South Bend.

What a waste it is for a football player named Angeli to play in a place where they can never get any snow.

Syracuse 31, California 27

Memphis at Boise State

Former Marshall and Southern Miss head coach Charles Huff won his first game as the top Tiger, in a resounding 27-21 road victory over Mountain West favorite UNLV. He jeopardized his team's chances, however, with a 15-yard penalty for a vulgar tirade against an official, just as his offense had reached the one-yard line. He was bailed out on the following play, when QB Marcus Stokes and TE Hunter Tipton hooked up for a 16-yard touchdown.

Not only did the College Football Czar not expect MU to win that big game in Week Zero, but he went on to predict that it would be upset by Arkansas State in Week 1. Once again, the Tigers took over in the second half, pulling away to win 42-24. Perhaps you're thinking the Czar has learned his lesson by now. Well, what would be the fun in that?

In terms of total yardage, it looked as if the Broncos had been beaten badly last week at Oregon, but they stayed right in the game by being the more disciplined team, taking away the game's only turnover, and committing only three penalties to ten for the Fighting Ducks. They gradually wore down, however, and did not threaten after allowing the tie-breaking score in the fourth quarter of a 34-27 defeat.

When the Czar says that Stokes and Tipton "hooked up," he merely means that Stokes threw the ball and Tipton caught it. Sadly, such things increasingly need to be explained these days.

Boise State 26, Memphis 24

San Diego State at UCLA

One playoff appearance with James Madison may not constitute a successful career, but Bob Chesney has followed that up with a victory in his first game as head coach of the Bruins. In that 45-24 runaway, senior Anthony Woods became the first running back to top the 100-yard mark for this team in 16 games, streaking for 118 yards and two TDs on only eight carries.

The Aztecs allowed the sixth-fewest points of anybody last year, shutting out three opponents, and holding five others to seven points or fewer. They've had to replace most of their defense, however, including all but one defensive linefolks. They've had some good gets through the portal, but it's unlikely that their restocked unit will have become cohesive by this point in the season.

Whenever Chesney shows up for a game, security personnel start scrambling in anticipation of about 50,000 inebriates descending upon the stadium. Then they realize that it was a false alarm, because they were thinking of Kenny, not Bob.

UCLA 20, San Diego State 10

UTSA at Texas State

You know you're not playing a real college football game when the opposing team has a five-letter abbreviation. Texas-San Antonio easily defeated the Vaqueros of the Division I-AA University of Texas-Rio Grande Valley (UTRGV), 45-16, but that probably means the Bobcats, who took a 59-7 beating from Texas, are better prepared for this battle.

Last year at the Alamodome, San Antonio native Brad Jackson arrived in his hometown as a member of the visiting team, and beat UTSA with a 65-yard tie-breaking touchdown pass in the fourth quarter of a 43-36 firefight. Jackson, quarterback of the Bobs, and his counterpart, Owen McCown, have not transferred to more prominent programs, in spite of each of them having a 3,000-yard season to his credit.

Wile E. Coyote may have taken a turn for the litigious, but don't expect the Roadrunners to do likewise. That's because they realize that if they ever studied law, they would start falling from cliffs all over the place.

Texas State 40, UTSA 28

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone