The Original College Football Czar

Week 2

Week one in review: As always, the start of the season featured few competitive games, but the ones that did take place suggested that we might be in for more parity than we've seen in quite a few years. In the Labor Day game, the Clemson Tigers bungled their way to a 28-7 defeat at Duke, which pretty much destroys their expectations of returning to the CFP this year. Elsewhere, #5 LSU was slammed by eighth-ranked Florida State in the only matchup of Top Ten teams, Ohio State put on a pedestrian performance in a 23-3 win at Indiana, and UCLA was not much to see against CCU. Probably nobody thought TCU would return to the national championship this year, but who knew the Horned Frogs would already cash in their chips in their opener against the Colorado Buffaloes?

After losing a lot of close midday Saturday contests, the College Football Czar tried to rally his way back to a respectable record, but Clemson's collapse set him back to 16-12, for a meager winning percentage of .571. He must protest the end of the ULM-Army game, however. The Warhawk receiver was clearly a step beyond the corner of the end zone by the time he gathered the ball in by pinning it to his chest with one hand, but the replay officials confirmed the call on the field that it was a touchdown, and ULM won, 17-13. So much for the argument that the important thing is to get the call right in the end.

It has not been a good start to the season for the enforcement of rules against unsportsmanlike conduct. Late Saturday night, Division I-AA Idaho State pulled within eight points of San Diego State, when their receiver spun the ball like a top in the end zone, and then struck a Karate Kid pose. Arguably, this could have been two separate penalties, which would have backed up the ensuing kickoff to the ten-yard-line, but instead nothing was called. As a result, ISU was given a chance to remain in the game that, by rule, it did not deserve. Elsewhere, hardly a game seemed to go by without somebody doing the I Dream of Jeannie bow, and not remotely resembling Barbara Eden while doing it. In addition to the standard 15 yards, there ought to be some additional penalty for the lack of originality. Most of these guys are obviously planning to engage in buffoonery long before they opportunity arises. The least they could do is put a little thought into it.

Most of you have already seen the Colorado-TCU highlights, so the Czar will now regale you with highlights from the postgame press conference:

"Coach Prime, you're so cool! Can I tell my friends I hang out with you, even though they'll know I'm lying?"

"Most guys look like dorks wearing sunglasses indoors, but not you, Coach Prime. You make it work."

"It's not true that I didn't believe, Coach Prime, I've always believed! I'm going to rid myself of all my worldly possessions and follow you."

"Coach Prime, when you insulted me just now, that still means you deigned to speak to me, right?"

Stay tuned. There's plenty more to come.

Sept. 8

Illinois at Kansas

The Fighting Illini had a tough time taking the opener in Champaign, but finally turned away Toledo, 30-28 on a last-second field goal. In the absence of a top running back to replace Chase Brown, sophomore quarterback Luke Altmeyer, formerly of Mississippi State, led the team with 69 rushing yards, to go along with 211 through the air.

For the third year in a row, the Jayhawks won their first game of the season, partly because it was against a Division I-AA opponent, also for a third year in a row. This time, they defeated mighty Missouri State, which is abbreviated "MOST." It's no relation to Donny, but the impression that it might be is the closest to greatness it'll ever come.

The KU-KU pigeon sisters played that game without the services of QB Jalon Daniels, who was forced to sit out with back stiffness. He is expected to play this week, but backup Jason Bean is ready to jump in again if need be.

Who uses an opener on a bottle of champagne, anyway? Don't you just pop the cork? Not with this stuff. This is that really good Illinois champagne you've heard so much about.

Well, all right. It's actually imported from Milwaukee, and it isn't really champagne so much as Miller High Life. But who's counting?

Illinois 34, Kansas 24

Sept. 9

Cincinnati at Pitt

Each team is 1-0 with a lopsided win against lesser opposition, for whatever that's worth. Trying to analyze a game based on recent results against lower-division teams is a little bit like announcers yammering about how sharp the kicker looked in practice.

Both schools introduce new but experienced quarterbacks, the difference being that Panther passer Phil Jurkovec had a certain amount of success at Boston College, whereas Cincy's Emory Jones was unable to establish himself at either Florida or Arizona State.

As annual opponents in the Big East from 2005-12, these teams played in what was billed as the River City Rivalry. They split the series 4-4 during that time, with the Panthers taking the first three, and the Bearcats four of the last five. The trophy was a monstrosity called the Paddlewheel Trophy, which was comprised of a telegraph from the engine room of a riverboat, mounted on a wooden base that featured an outline of the Ohio River. The thing was so massive and so heavy that the winning team never quite knew what to do with it. If the Cats bother transporting it to the Burgh this year, it might be in hopes of having it taken off their hands.

There's trouble right here in River City, but this time the culprit isn't pool. It's syringes and human feces, just like everywhere else.

Pitt 28, Cincinnati 19

Texas at Alabama

A year ago in Austin, the Crimson Tide were overwhelming favorites even before taking out Longhorn quarterback Quinn Ewers late in the first quarter. The hundred yards they gave up on 15 penalties helped keep the game even, however, until a late field goal boosted Bama to victory, 20-19. Ewers will be back for this game, but of course Bryce Young will not.

The pachyderms played the MT-heads like a pair of bongos last Saturday, scoring two touchdowns in each quarter of a 56-7 pounding of Middle Tennessee. The game was something of a slog, however, for starting running back Jase McClellan, who was held to a modest total of 39 yards on ten carries. With the quarterback competition decided for now in favor of Jalen Milroe, the game became an open audition among RBs, with five of them combining for 146 yards on 30 carries,

The Horns weren't helped by their running game either, in a 37-10 win over Rice. Their 158-yard effort was led by sophomores Jaydon Blue with 55 yards, and Jonathan Brooks with 52. That's bad news heading into this week's battle with Bama, a defense that allowed only 57 to Bijan Robinson a year ago.

Q: What's a pachyderm?

A: a handy thing to have if anybody asks you to give him some skin.

Cuz, you know, "derm." Yeesh! Is it really only Week 2?

Alabama 24, Texas 10

Notre Dame at Nc State

It's okay to wake up the echoes, now that the Fighting Irish are finally taking on a challenge. Most of the echoes opted to continue sleeping it off during last week's 56-3 win over Division I-AA Tennessee State. Quarterback Sam Hartman's stats will actually suffer because of that game, because he came out at halftime after tossing two TDs and gaining 194 yards.

Audric Estime's time of arrival is now. The junior tailback tallied his first TD of the season in the first quarter of a 42-3 thrashing of Navy in Dublin. He finished the game with 95 yards, but since that was just an estime, let's go ahead and round it off to an even hundred.

Brennan Armstrong, the prolific passer from Virginia, let his legs carry him in his first game with the Wolfpack, a tough 24-14 road win at Connecticut. Armstrong ran for 96 yards and two touchdowns, but didn't hit paydirt with a single pass during an uninspired 155-yard effort.

Can you imagine the headaches a hung over echo must get?

Notre Dame 35, Nc State 20

Oregon at Texas Tech

The College Football Czar expected this to be one of the marquee games of the week, until the Red Raiders were rubbed out by Wyoming, 35-33 in double-overtime. Having taken a very early 17-0 lead, they would not score again until a last-second field goal sent the contest into extra frames, tied 20-20. After the game, Cowboy QB Andrew Peasley said his team's strategy was to "take them to the deep end of the pool, and they're going to fold." (Good to see they're still teaching them to mix metaphors out there at the school in Laramie.) That's bitter stuff, but the Raiders won't get a return game against those Pokes until 2028, and they'll never get another shot at Peasley. Their immediate concern is how to bounce back in Lubbock against a presumptive Pac 12 contender.

TT gunslinger Tyler Shough was once the starting quarterback at UO, until he started splitting the snaps with Boston College transfer Anthony Brown late in the 2020 season. The ill-conceived rotation system wouldn't let either QB get his webbed feet wet during a woeful Fiesta Bowl loss to Iowa State. With the Covid exception allowing Brown to come back for yet another season, Shough decided he'd had enouck, and transferred to Tech.

The Fighting Ducks had a field day against neighboring Division I-AA opponent Portland State, 81-7, but how much does an absurdity like that really help a team prepare for a legitimate football game? Aside from a lack of injuries, the only positive was that it got some needed experience for backup QB Ty Thompson, who completed 7 of 8 for 81 yards and a TD in relief of starter Bo Nix.

The Ducks aren't the only cartoon team involved in this matchup, you know. It just so happens that the Texas Tech helmet was designed by Porky Pig.

Oregon 30, Texas Tech 21

Troy at Kansas State

The Old College Troy has succeeded each of the last twelve times it has taken the field, including the 2022 Sun Belt Conference championship against Coastal Carolina, and a Cure Bowl victory over Texas-San Antonio.

K-State won a conference championship, also, claiming the Big XII crown with a 31-28 victory over TCU. According to the new rules, a three-point win against the Horned Frogs must make Chris Klieman the greatest coach in history. Of course, he wouldn't be the one to tell you that. Just imagine the reaction if he had barged into the media room after that conference title game barking, "Do you believe now?" And that TCU team was really good!

The Trojans have been playing Division I-A football since 2001. They stepped up to Division I-AA, and were thus Division I in all sports, ten years earlier. If they had any marketing sense back then, they would have signed Troy McClure to be their mascot. "You may remember me from such infomercials as, Whizzoh: the wonder mop that can be used to spread cheese!"

Kansas State 30, Troy 17

Wisconsin at Washington State

Newly imported quarterback Three-Finger Mordecai was all thumbs in his debut at UW. The transfer from SMU threw two picks, while passing for only 189 yards in a 38-17 win over Buffalo. For all the talk about the Badgers transitioning to an offense more like the one at Wazzu, it was the ground game that continued to get it done, with Chez Mellusi serving up 157 yards and two TDs, and Braelon Allen adding another two scores and 141 yards.

In Week 2 of last year, the Cougars pulled what appeared to be a major upset, 17-14 at Camp Randall Stadium. The Madison Reds were flagged eleven times that day for 106 yards in penalties, and twice fumbled on the same play that they had taken the ball away.

A week ago, WSU quarterback Cam Ward threw for 451 yards and three TDs in a 50-24 trouncing of Colorado State. That's more yardage than Ward passed for in any game last season, although he did routinely surpass that mark while previously playing for Division I-AA Incarnate Word.

Three-Finger sure picked the right place to transfer. If all else fails, he can always take up bowling.

Washington State 38, Wisconsin 31

Nebraska at Colorado

The College Football Czar is very surprised by how well new coach Deion Sanders was able to mold his team of 86 transfers into a cohesive unit for their opening 45-42 upset of TCU. He maintains, however, that his expectation that such a high turnover rate would prove a far greater obstacle was a totally reasonable. So, yes, Coach Sanders gave a praiseworthy performance in his Division I-A debut, but don't anybody try to hand the Czar any of this hogwash about how unfair "da haytas" are for disrespecting him, or never giving his team a chance, or blah, blah, stinkin bucket of blah.

In his very first game with the Buffaloes, coach's son Shedeur Sanders set a school record with 510 passing yards, while spreading them around so effectively that four different receivers gained over 100. Even at a traditional running school, this is a feat, eclipsing the performances of predecessors Koy Detmer and Kordell Stewart. CU is not likely to reproduce such an offensive explosion against the Cornhuskers' blackshirt defense, but how many points will it really need?

Although some coaches, like Sanders, are having success through the transfer portal, he Czar observes that the desire to score publicity points with high-profile QB transfers has led certain programs astray. There was absolutely nothing about Georgia Tech quarterback Jeff Sims' modest production and mediocre TD-to-INT ratio to recommend him to take over the starting job at another power-five school. Surely, the N-men and new head coach Matt Rhule are capable of recruiting somebody who can at least equal Sims' stats while also offering the promise of improvement.

As a cornerback, Sanders' specialty was takeaways. Now, as a coach, he leads the nation in taking umbrage. That's a far easier thing to do, of course, because nobody really wants it in the first place. I mean, what would you do with a bunch of umbrage lying around the house?

Colorado 27, Nebraska 17

Ole Miss at Tulane

It's hard to be impressed with completion percentages anymore, but against South Alabama, the Green Wave did not stick to the kind of safe passes that have become so prevalent in pumping up QB stats. Nevertheless, Michael Pratt completed 14 of 15, including TD passes of 47, 47 and 48 yards, each of which traveled almost all that way through the air. For the game, he piled up 294 yards, or 19.6 per attempt.

Quarterback Jaxson Dart has successfully defended his starting job at Mississippi, but that means the Rebel lineup has not changed appreciably from the one that lost its last four games of the 2022 season. Last week's 73-7 win over I-AA Mercer may have felt good at the time, but once the ball is snapped this week, they'll find themselves in a game more closely resembling those consecutive defeats against Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi State and Texas Tech.

Contrary to his name, Rebel running back Quinshon Judkins is no kin to the Judds. It's a good thing, too. That Ashley is a loonbucket.

Tulane 45, Ole Miss 41

Purdue at Virginia Tech

The Boilermakers are 0-1, but they took on a tough opener in a 39-35 loss to Fresno State, so they're probably better than a solid majority of the teams that are 1-0 at this point. In defeat, the PU offense showed that it might not be nearly as devoid of star players as last year's departures might suggest. Not only does ex-Texas QB Hudson Card look like a good fit, but redshirt sophomore WR Deion Burks quadrupled his previous high by registering 152 receiving yards on four catches, including two TDs.

Any season in which the Gobblers avoid a major upset has got to be considered a success. Because they're among the fairly small minority of teams that did not schedule a lower-division opponent this year, they seem to be in the clear after avenging last season's opening loss against Old Dominion. Grant Wells, who threw four interceptions and only one touchdown in that previous 20-17 defeat at ODU, threw for three scores without getting picked off in last week's 36-17 victory.

VT is an engineering school, but it's not the team whose logo is a train. The College Football Czar found this odd, until someone pointed out to him that Tech grads are the kind of engineers who don't have to drive trains. Really? Where can the Czar get a cushy gig like that?

Purdue 33, Virginia Tech 24

Utah at Baylor

Ute quarterback Cameron Rising was expected to be up for the start of the 2023 season, after going down with a serious injury in last year's Rose Bowl loss to Penn State. He did not appear in last Friday's opener, however, that being a 24-11 victory over Florida. His coaches are hopeful that he will return this week, but as of this writing, his status is questionable. Perhaps a haircut would help his ACL heal faster. The Czar admits he has no evidence to back up that suggestion, but it's got to be worth a shot, right?

Do the Waco kids need any help? Oh, all they can get. The Bears fell victim to a revitalized Texas State offense last week, losing at home to the Bobcats, 42-31. Starting QB Blake Shapen joins counterpart Cam on the shelf with a knee injury. The BU bomber did persist to throw for 303 yards with a brace on his leg, but he will now be out for the next two or three games.

Where did all those young guys named Cam come from all of a sudden, and are they all destined to become quarterbacks once they're named that? Furthermore, does that mean a cam shaft is the son of one bad mother? Enquiring minds want to know.

Utah 16, Baylor 6

Texas A&M at Miami

The ampersanders try to get up-and-aTm after a down year that has placed head coach Jimbo Fisher in peril. As disappointing as the 2022 season was for them, however, at least it included a 17-9 road win over this Hurricane team, which fell short of expectations by an even greater margin.

The Conjunction Boys were able to function last week in College Station, where they railroaded New Mexico 52-10, but will things come up boxcars for them on this difficult road trip? New offensive coordinator Bobby Petrino seems to have added some petrol to their attack, with QB Conner Weigman flinging five touchdown passes.

Miami easily defeated Miami Ohio 38-3, in a really anticlimactic version of one of those "evil twin" episodes of old TV shows. Four running backs saw significant action for the Canes (Henry Parrishjr, Mark Fletcherjr, Ajay Allen and Donald Chaneyjr), and all were productive, combining for 251 yards. But wait a minute, where's Ajay Allen's jr? Don't worry, he's only a freshman. There's still time. Every time a bell rings, a college football player gets his jr, you know.

Evil twins don't have a very good winning percentage, and the Czar ought to know. He'll never live down the time he picked Mechagodzilla to win. He didn't think Godzilla could match his physicality.

Miami 27, Texas A&M 24

Oklahoma State at Arizona State

The Sun Devils have announced a self-imposed bowl ban for this season, as a result of the ongoing Covid-related recruiting violations under former coach Herm Edwards. Considering that they went 3-9 last year, and are breaking in a new coaching staff, with an unsettled quarterback situation and a difficult schedule, that sounds a little like giving up pterodactyl eggs for Lent. In their opener, they only escaped the Division I-AA Southern Utah Thunderbirds by a final of 24-21.

The Cowboys also had their hands full against a lower-division team last Saturday, before they pulled away in the fourth quarter to beat Central Arkansas 27-13. Mike Gundy says he intends to continue rotating three quarterbacks, including his son, Gunnar, every week until one of them proves himself as a starter.

If the ASU mascot is an example of a Son Devil, then why is he not named Sparkyjr?

Oklahoma State 32, Arizona State 26

Iowa at Iowa State

Multiple athletes from both schools, includng ISU quarterback Hunter Dekkers, have been charged with a variety of gambling offenses, including underage gambling, in the Cyclone slinger's place. In his defense, what else does one do in Ames, Iowa?

The Hawkeyes finally generated some offense for one quarter, but that was enough, as they went on to defeat Utah State 24-14, after jumping out to a 14-0 first quarter lead. Former Michigan QB Cade McNamara tossed two early TD passes, but still finished with an unimpressive total of 191 yards, while completing 17 of 30. In the end, his team was outgained by USU, 329-284.

It's a little-known fact that the Cy-Hawk Trophy is misspelled, and is really supposed to be the Psyhawk Trophy. That's what you call a hawk that, rather than killing and eating its prey, only messes with its head. It just flies in circles around its intended victim, making cryptic remarks like, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"

Iowa 19, Iowa State 12

Marshall at East Carolina

The College Football Czar picked the Thundering Herd to win the Sun Belt East division, so he was shocked that they almost lost their opener to Albany, a city that is named after the world's worst processed meat product. The bovine boomers trailed their lower-division foes 17-7 late in the third quarter, until Rasheen Ali rushed for touchdowns of 13 and 30 yards to help them to a 21-17 escape.

The Pirates pounded through a field goal on the last play of the game last week at Michigan. Unfortunately, it was their only score of the game. Sophomore starting QB Mason Garcia gained only 80 yards on 11 completions with an interception, before giving way to little-utilized junior Alex Flinn.

These familiar foes have squared off 16 times, most notably in the 2001 GMAC Bowl, where the Herd came rumbling back from a 38-8 halftime deficit to win, 64-61. They are only 5-11 in the series, though, and they are 0-7 against them in Greenville.

The Czar hereby predicts that MU will soon be pressured to get rid of its Thundering Herd nickname, on the basis that it is glorifying methane emissions.

East Carolina 23, Marshall 21

Auburn at California

The Pac 12 promises to be very competitive in this, its last year of existence. Not only is Colorado competitive, but Cal coach Justin Wilcox was not bluffing about his team's improved offensive prowess. The Golden Bears' 58-21 rout of North Texas on the road was the biggest score they had posted against a Division I-A opponent since winning a 60-59 slugfest with Washington State in 2014.

Like just about everybody in the SEC, the Tigers have historically been averse to traveling outside the geographic footprint of their own conference. Last time AU went way out to the West Coast, they did so involuntarily, when they lost the BCS championship game to Florida State in Pasadena to end the 2013 season. They hadn't scheduled a game out there since a 24-17 loss at USC to kick off the 2002 season. Including that defeat, they are only 1-6 in nonconference road games this century.

Week 1 was the first game for Hugh Freeze as a Tiger, but he might have still been at Liberty for all he could tell, as his team beat up on indefensible Independent Umass by a final of 59-14. Sophomore running back Robby Ashford scored three touchdowns in the second quarter, with a total of just nine carries for the game.

Why is prowess offensive, you ask? Because that's the antiquated nomenclature indicating the feminine variety. Nowadays, they all demand to just be called prow.

California 37, Auburn 34

UTEP at Northwestern

The Miners made history by losing to Jacksonville State in that school's first-ever game as a Division I-A program, but the way that they lost it is probably more memorable than their having done so. Trailing 17-14 on third and less than a yard from the 24, they ran a low-percentage fade pattern in the corner of the end zone. Then, rather than attempt a tying field goal, they went for the fourth and short, but lined up in a shotgun formation and threw the ball again, unsuccessfully. This, in spite of the fact that QB Gavin Hardison is certainly big and strong enough to have sneaked for the first down. Memo to Dana Dimel and his offensive coaching staff with regard to the element of surprise: If what you're doing is the last thing your opponents would expect, that just might be because it is stupid.

How ugly have things gotten in Evanston? According to head coach David Braun, "It was a relief to get to game day." He said this after last Sunday's 24-7 loss to Rutgers, in which the Wildcats came only 19 seconds away from being shut out. When merely playing the game, which was almost inevitable anyway, becomes an accomplishment unto itself, the outcome is not likely to be favorable.

Apparently, Braun subscribes to the saying that showing up is 90 percent of the job. Happily for him, as long as you're playing UTEP, that's true.

Northwestern 19, UTEP 16

Central Florida at Boise State

The Knights scored an almost effortless 56-6 opening victory over Kent State. Ten more like that, and they can declare themselves to be intergalactic champs. Now that they're in the Big XII, however, they've got a far tougher schedule, and it starts with this nonconference game on the miscolored mulch of Albertsons Stadium.

Two years ago, the Broncos broke down in a season-opening 36-31 loss in Orlando, after having taken a 21-0 second-quarter lead. Their four third-quarter possessions consisted of three three-and-outs and a safety.

In Boise's 56-17 loss to Washington, it was the French pronunciation, "Bwoh," that more aptly applied. You know, as in the game show loser music: "Bwoh, bwoh, bwoh, bwohhh."

Central Florida 33, Boise State 19

UCLA at San Diego State

SDSU succeeded in staving off a hard-nosed Ohio team in Week Zero, but with OU quarterback Kurtis Rourke being injured on the first play of the second quarter, the margin of victory should have been greater than 20-13, especially with a plus-2 turnover margin. As if that weren't alarming enough, they followed up that performance by uncomfortably squirming past Division I-AA Idaho State, 36-28.

Chip Kelly's Bruins scored a surprisingly mundane 27-13 win over Coastal Carolina late last Saturday. He seemed to settle on Dante Moore as his new starting QB, although that is based almost entirely on one 62-yard touchdown pass to Michael Sturdivant. Both Moore and Ethan Garbers struggled to move the team downfield against a suspect CCU defense.

The Aztecs were thought to be extinct until Coach Kelly came along. Now we're not so sure. The way he talks, everything comes out sounding like "Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli."

UCLA 20, San Diego State 7

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone