The Original College Football Czar

Week 2

Week one in review: Don't call it a warning. It's the "two-minute timeout," got that? The College Football Czar can only surmise that the reason the NCAA is demanding that announcers avoid the W-word is that the harshness of it would send the student section scattering in search of collegiate "safe spaces." The microcontroversy over the approved nomenclature notwithstanding, the Czar has yet to hear any announcer or analyst offer a negative opinion about the rule itself. Fans may be asking themselves what in the name of Mike Hargrove made the rules committee think it was a good idea to add two more timeouts to every game, but they don't see anybody on TV asking the same question.

This is yet another illustration of why nobody trusts the sports media anymore. If they won't even criticize the "two-minute timeout," then how can we believe them when they tell us that all of college football fandom is throbbing with excitement about the 12-team playoff? The near unanimity of opinion suggests an external force at work. Dissenting from the approved views about matters of little real-world importance just isn't worth the risk of getting shipped off to the Disney thought gulag.

Mind you, the NCAA says the "two-minute timeout" isn't adding to the game times, because it is only taking the place of a TV timeout that would have otherwise occurred at some other point in the second and fourth quarters. The problem the Czar has with that explanation is that TV timeouts are usually taken after a score, or at some other time when there is a natural pause in the action anyway. If a TV timeout is not taken at such a time, the game will still pause, just not for as long. So it isn't as simple as replacing one three-minute break with another. It's more like shortening one three-minute break to 90 seconds, and then adding another three minutes on top of that. Yet the implausible claim that this will not increase game times is being reported without skepticism.

In another rule change that mimics the NFL, but not quite, is the addition of in-helmet communications, complete with the requisite lime green dot on the helmets of those who are so equipped. Throughout Week 1, however, QBs could often be seen clasping their hands over their earholes as they struggled to block out the crowd noise. This is a system that has already been working in the pros for quite a few years now. Can't somebody ask them for a few pointers?

Last Sunday night, just moments before kickoff of the USC-LSU game, DirecTV customers lost all of the channels that are affiliated with the Disney Family of Posterior Pickles, and that includes ABC. As of this writing, there has been no resolution to the impasse. For the benefit of any DirecTV viewers who may be among the College Football Czar's readers, Saturday's best non-Disney games are Texas at Michigan at noon on Fox, Iowa State at Iowa at 3:30 on CBS, Colorado at Nebraska at 7:30 on NBC, and Oregon State at San Diego State at 10:30 on CBS Sports.

Although the Czar thought Florida State was highly overrated, even he did not expect them to lose their first two games of the season. Nevertheless, he finished Week 1 with a record of 15-7, for a .682 winning percentage.

Sept. 6

Brigham Young at SMU

The Mustangs' weak Week Zero showing at Nevada does not look so damning in light of UNR's subsequent road win over Troy. Nevertheless, that 29-24 win in Reno made Southern Methodist look like just another also-ran in the ACC, where they are hoping to emerge as an instant contender.

These teams last met at the 2022 New Mexico Bowl, where the Cougars prevailed, 24-23. Trailing by two touchdowns, SMU scored twice in the fourth quarter, but unsuccessfully went for two on the second occasion, rather than carry their momentum into overtime.

Junior Jake Retzlaff has won the starting QB job in Provo over former South Florida and Baylor quarterback Gerry Bohanon, which might not exactly be how the Cougar faithful were hoping it turned out. In four games a year ago, Retzlaff completed only 50.4 percent of his passes, with three TDs and three interceptions.

We're told that the expanded playoff gives the underdogs a better chance to win a national championship, but does it? In 1984, BYU was named the national champion after beating a 6-5 Michigan team in the Holiday Bowl, 24-17. Had there been a playoff, the Cougs might have had to play a 10-2 SMU team in the first round. If they survived that, they might have faced Doug Flutie and Boston College, and then the team that should have been #1, Washington. They would have stood no chance of running the table. In the Czar's opinion, that's actually a point in favor of the playoff, but if you're looking to give "the little guy" a break, this is not the way to do it.

Those Mustangs. What a bunch of monogamous, two-testament reading weirdos who pretty much leave other people alone. You see, the College Football Czar decided it was unfair to wisecrack so disproportionately much about the Mormons, so he thought he'd look at it from their point of view, and make some disparaging remarks about the Methodists for a change.

It's a work in progress.

SMU 31, Brigham Yount 27

Duke at Northwestern

The Wildcats won their first game in their temporary home on the lakefront, holding MAC favorite Miami Ohio to only 40 rushing yards in a 13-3 defensive slugfest. Too bad their new field can't accommodate enough capacity to be permanent, because it's college football's closest equivalent to PNC Park. If you get the chance to tune in to this week's game on FS1, just try to explain to yourself why every dome in the country should not be immediately demolished.

These schools, known as much for their success in the classroom as for their lack of same on the gridiron, would figure to be evenly matched, but the series between them has been surprisingly streaky. The Blue Devils won the first six games, and also the five most recent ones, whereas NU went 10-2 during the stretch of games in between.

Even though the Devils led their opener almost all the way, their offense had a long night in a 26-3 win over I-AA Elon, which held their ground game to 2.2 yards per carry. Since the loss of RB Jordan Waters to rival Nc State through the portal, new head coach Manny Diaz has got a depth problem in his backfield. Neither of their two senior tailbacks, Jaquez Moore or Star Thomas, has ever had more than 16 carries in a game.

Actually, Lanny and Shannon Martin Stadium is not nearly as much like PNC Park as it is like Oracle Park, but had the Czar made that reference, not many readers would have gotten it, because the building has been renamed multiple times. He would have had to call it something like, "Oracle Park, nee AT&T Park, previously known as SBC Park, but originally named Pac Bell Park, home of the San Francisco Giants." It's a good thing they haven't gotten around to selling naming rights to cities yet, or San Francisco might have become Twitterville, and then what?

Northwestern 19, Duke 14

Sept. 7

Pitt at Cincinnati

It was announced less than a day before last week's opener against Kent State that Panther running back Rodney Hammondjr was ineligible to play this season, although nobody will say why. This is not a suspension, the exact reasons for which might be explained away as a "violation of team rules." If it's an eligibility matter, then there must not be any element of subjectivity. There has got to be a very basic and easily explainable fact at the bottom of it, so why don't we know?

Replacing Hammond is Desmond Reid, who followed offensive coordinator Kade Bell to Pittsburgh from Western Carolina, except that's not exactly the order in which things happened. It was last Thursday that Reid was named the starter. One day later, some circumstance or other came to light that rendered Hammond ineligible. It is inconceivable to those two things are entirely coincidental. When asked to clarify Hammond's circumstance during his postgame press conference, Narduzzi said, "we made an announcement about that already, and, you know, got nothing further to talk about." How does a roomful of reporters just sit there and take an answer like that?

It is difficult to dispute Reid's starter status after that 55-24 win over KSU, however. The diminutive darter gained 145 yards on 14 carries, made three receptions for another eleven yards, and returned a punt 78 yards for a touchdown. We'll see how he fares when the competition comes a little bigger.

The Bearcats have a chance to compile a winning record this year, because they play so few winning teams. This River City Rivalry is their biggest nonconference challenge, and their Big XII slate does not include Utah, Oklahoma State, Arizona or Kansas.

What's the big deal about being river cities? Lots of cities have rivers without feeling the need to brag about it. These two towns might as well call themselves Dirt Lands, or Places With Birds.

Pitt 41, Cincinnati 31

Bowling Green at Penn State

New Nittany Lion offensive coordinator Andy Kotelnicki is encouraging his usually reticent QB to attack more aggressively downfield, and through one game it is paying off. In a 34-12 thumping of West Virginia, Drew Allar threw for 216 yards and three touchdowns, on only 17 pass attempts, 11 of which were completed. In a one-score game near halftime, Allar hit WR Omari Evans for a 55-yard gain to set up a touchdown, in a situation in which PSU would typically have run out the first half clock.

The Falcons faced two Big Ten opponents in 2023, and gave up more than five and a half yards per carry on each occasion, a 31-6 regular season loss to Michigan, and a tough 30-24 defeat in the Quick Lane Bowl against Minnesota.

Yet another reason not to trust the sports media: In its preseason issue, Lindy's wrote in reference to the famous Berkey Creamery in State College, "If a Penn State fan offers you an Alumni Swirl, say yes." Knowing what you know about PSU, does that sound like good advice? To the contrary, the College Football Czar implores you, for the sake of humanity, don't do it!

The Czar is going to have to start using that as a euphemism, in an insulting way. You know, as in, "Go have a Penn State Alumni Swirl!"

Penn State 45, Bowling Green 13

Texas at Michigan

Davis Warren may have two last names, but he might not be the final answer at quarterback for the Wolverines. The seldom used senior threw for just 118 yards, with one touchdown and one interception, in a sluggish 30-10 win over visiting Fresno State.

The Longhorns have no such weak spots in their offensive lineup, especially not at the QB position, where Quinn Ewers threw for 3,479 yards a year ago. In last week's opener, Ewers gave way to Arch Manning in the third quarter of a 52-0 romp over Colorado State. Arch sounds like he must be more mature than his grandfather, but he'd better be careful not to grow up to soon, or he could end up like his other namesake, the Arch Deluxe.

Both of these programs have made a lot of enemies, but the anti-Michiganders have no equivalent of the "horns down" signal with which opponents perturb the pointy cows. That's because the wolverine helmet logo would take two hands, and even then, how could you tell if it was upside down?

Was anyone surprised the Arch Deluxe was a flop? A fast food burger patty on a potato roll with Dijon mustard and mayonnaise? Yuck! Why not just make cheeseburger flavored tapioca?

Texas 27, Michigan 17

Tennessee at Nc State

Freshman phenom Nico Iamaleava made his highly anticipated debut last week, albeit in a mockery of a game against the Division I-AA Chattanooga Mocs. His first real test comes this Saturday, in a road game against a ranked opponent.

The Wolfpack won against a lower-division team also, but not nearly as easily. In a Friday night game against Western Carolina (which seems to be getting a lot of ink this week), they trailed on three different occasions, including at the end of the third quarter, by a score of 21-17. Former Coastal Carolina QB Grayson McCall seemed to get used to his new surroundings as the game went on though, and the Pack put the game away, 38-21.

The College Football Czar thinks not only that officials let too much unsportsmanlike conduct go, but that they should themselves be penalized for failing to flag certain offenses. In that NCSU-WCU game, Catamount running back Branson Adams "celebrated" a touchdown with a demonstration that was not only unsportsmanlike, but lewd, and no penalty was called. In fact, the Czar hereby nominates Adams for the Lardhead of the Year Award for this routine, which involved him thrusting his pelvis and waving a hand back and forth in front of his private parts. What might that have been meant to signify? Nothing there? Perhaps for an encore, he'll sing and dance "The French Mistake."

Tennessee 23, Nc State 21

Colorado at Nebraska

By far the Buffaloes' best game during last year's ballyhooed 3-0 start was when they knocked around the N-men 36-14 back in Boulder. In Deion's first home game as head coach of CU, his son Shedeur threw for 393 yards.

This year, the Cornhuskers expect to finally get on a roll behind freshman quarterback Dylan Riola, who methodically marched them to an opening 40-7 win over UTEP. To be sure, the Buffs are a step up in competition, but by how much? In their 31-26 escape against I-AA North Dakota State, Sanders' new offensive line didn't look terribly different from the old one. It will need to improve in a hurry when it faces the resurgent N-men and their blackshirt defense.

As long as Coach Prime is hanging out with Nick Saban so often, he should stop yammering about supplemental insurance so much and bring up the subject of coaching. Perhaps he'd learn something. Heck, it might even help if he had that conversation with the Aflac duck.

Nebraska 33, Colorado 19

Boise State at Oregon

Hopefully, that classic emerald green Fighting Duck uniform, with the O on the helmet and the picture of Puddles on the sleeve, doesn't take the blame for last week's pitiful performance, a 24-14 scare against Division I-AA Idaho. Dan Lanning's team dominated the game statistically, but he got them in trouble with a pair of unsuccessful fourth-down attempts in their own territory, in a scene that has become all too familiar to the fans in Eugene. The first attempt, on a fake punt, was an especially silly chance to take for a team that had a shutout going deep into the third quarter.

Oklahoma import Dillon Gabriel probably can't conduct the Quack Attack as proficiently as Bo Nix did, but he has got a bigger arm, so where are all the big plays? The sixth-year starter completed 41 of 49, but for only 380 yards. Either he was consistently checking down too readily, or else the play calls just weren't there in the first place. In either case, a relentless horizontal passing attack is not going to beat the better teams in the Big Ten.

Bronco tailback Ashton Jeanty juked his way to six touchdowns and 267 yards last week in a 56-45 victory at Georgia Southern. The only thing wrong with that is that he had to play the whole game, because the defense let GASO keep it close.

This game is being broadcast only on Peacock, which is a wussy bird that shouldn't have anything to do with football. It isn't even a fighting peacock!

Oregon 37, Boise State 24

Appalachian State at Clemson

The Son of Clem did the clam inside the big shell in Atlanta, where its offense was unable to open things up in a 34-3 beating by #1 Georgia. For the game, they were held to 189 total yards, and only 42 of those on the ground.

App State may be famous for knocking off big league teams, but they're 0-4 against the Tigers since joining Division I-A, losing by a combined score of 146.22. This is probably the strongest Mountaineer team to take the field in this series, though, with a loaded roster returning from a team that went 9-4 a year ago.

The Czar has never actually seen anybody do the clam, because if there's anything more unwatchable than a noon game in a dome, it's an Elvis movie. Watching Elvis eat clams for an hour and a half would probably be more entertaining.

Clemson 26, Appalachian State 10

Kansas State at Tulane

The loss of Green Wave head coach Willie Fritz to former conference rival Houston must be hard to take, but at least it gave them the chance to bring back their own former defensive assistant Jon Sumrall, who had been the head coach at Troy for the past two seasons, during which he racked up a record of 23-4.

Two years ago, with each team on its way to a New Year's Six game, TU kept the Cats off their own scoreboard for the entire second half of a 17-10 victory. It would be the first of two wins for the Wave against power conference teams that year, the other being their incredible 46-45 comeback victory over USC in the Cotton Bowl.

Last season, the Wildcats were only 2-3 on the road, but close losses at Missouri, Oklahoma State and Texas do not exactly suggest a shortcoming. Historically, they win plenty of big games away from home, including their last two trips to Oklahoma.

A crashing wave shaking his fist might be pretty intimidating, if not for the megaphone in his other hand. That couldn't make him any less scary unless he was wearing a fuzzy Michigan sweater to go with it.

Kansas State 28, Tulane 24

California at Auburn

The Golden Bears obviously scheduled this game before they had any idea about joining the ACC. They really didn't need this long nonconference road trip, in addition to conference games in Tallahassee, Pittsburgh and Winston-Salem.

Tiger coach Hugh Freeze needs a thaw to arrive in this, his second season at AU, because his team finished 2023 on a cold streak that included a November home loss to New Mexico State. They ended that skid in this year's opener, another ridiculous game that should never have been played, 73-3 over I-AA Alabama A&M.

No, really. Cal is going to open its offense up any season now. That's what we keep hearing, but there remains little evidence of it on the field. In a bland 31-13 win against yet another lower-division opponent, the Bears were outgained by Cal-Davis 304-281, and only pulled away thanks to a plus-two in turnovers, and a touchdown on a kickoff return

A meeting between these schools could be billed as Berkeley vs. Barkley. It's a good thing for the home team that it isn't a battle of wits.

Auburn 20, California 10

Georgia Southern at Nevada

This game is part of the new carriage deal the Mountain West Conference has with TruTV, which is only familiar to sports fans for its broadcast of some NCAA basketball tournament games. Through most of the year, TruTV runs lots of crap like The World's Most Unintentionally Injurious Practical Jokes, which explains why it resides so far away from the sports channels on everybody's cable or satellite channel listing.

The Eagles are already 0-1 against the Mountain West, after failing to keep up with Boise State in a 56-45 runaway. They had taken a one-point lead early in the fourth quarter, but were scorched for a 75-yard touchdown run on the very next play from scrimmage.

The Wolf Pack were unable to hold off SMU in a 29-24 tussle in Week Zero, but they were able to pull off a win on the road seven days later, topping Troy by a final of 28-26. Ex-Texas running back Savion Red rushed for 135 yards in that game, more than he had all of last season with the Horns.

Now that college football is practically the pros, perhaps Colin Kaepernick will pretend to still want to play for the Pack, only to run away when he's offered an opportunity, and instead get paid handsomely by Nike just to be a lazy Communist agitator whom you can smell through the TV. It has been known to happen

Nevada 44, Georgia Southern 40

Iowa State at Iowa

No sooner than the College Football Czar opined about how difficult it is to prove a case of tampering did the Hawkeyes hand coach Kirk Ferentz a one-game suspension for that very offense. What doesn't add up is that the seriousness of the transgression itself demands a more significant penalty, and because we can guess such a small percentage of offenders get caught, the punishment really needs to be disproportionately severe in order to act as a deterrent. Giving the longtime coach a day off to watch his team beat up on Division I-AA Illinois State 40-0 just isn't cutting it.

The Cyclones have got to get out of their circular pattern and start driving downfield. Among Big XII teams a year ago, their offense outgained only Brigham Young and Houston. Sophomore running back Abu Samaiii might be the man to help them do it, since he dashed through the snow for 276 yards and three TDs late last year at Kansas State. He could be in for some tough sledding, however, against a Hawkeye defense that only allowed 13.2 points per game in 2023.

Q: Why does Iowa name its teams after a character played by Alan Alda?

A: Because they really, really hate Gary Burghoff, just like everyone else.

Iowa 16, Iowa State 12

Georgia Tech at Syracuse

For the second straight game, the Yellowjackets face a high profile QB transfer who has a reputation for underperforming. In the season opener in Ireland, they downed D.J. Uiagalelei and defending ACC champion Florida State, 24-21. This time, they take on former Ohio State slinger Kyle McCord, whose main motivation in transferring to SU seems to be to escape scrutiny.

Nobody can take Tech's win against the Seminoles away from them, but it sure has been devalued since that same FSU team was stifled 28-13 by Boston College a week later. In the meantime, the Jackets jumped all over crosstown foe Georgia State, 35-12.

The Orange are at home for the entire month of September, and they'll be lucky to make it out alive. Not that the schedule is very challenging, it's just that all the games are slated to be played at the JMA Wireless Dome. I mean, what's holding it up?

Syracuse 19, Georgia Tech 17

Mississippi State at Arizona State

ASU was among the fairly small minority of teams that made an impressive showing against a legitimate opponent in Week 1. In a dominating performance against Wyoming, the Sun Devils outgained the Cowboys 499-118, while going plus-3 in turnovers. Linebacker Zyrus Fiaseu opened the scoring with an interception return, and defensive tackle Justin Wodtly added a scoop-and-score in the fourth quarter of a 48-7 stomping.

Former Oklahoma offensive coordinator Jeff Lebby makes his head coaching debut with the Bulldogs. He should be able to improve a mud puppy offense that wallowed outside the top hundred in most categories a year ago, but the Czar wonders if former Baylor QB Blake Shapen fits the mold in Lebby's scheme.

The only reason the Bulldog student athletes agreed to take this road trip to Tempe is because they thought they were going to the dessert. Good thing they brought their own maraschino cherries with them, so it's not a total loss.

Arizona State 38, Mississippi State 27

Kansas at Illinois

This is the Jayhawks' first official road game, but they're really away from home all season. Because of renovations to Memorial Stadium, they are playing all their home games either in Kansas City, MO or Kansas City, KS.

All I's are on Kaden Feagin, and it would be hard for them not to be. The 6-3, 250-lb running back has established himself as the starter for the Fighting Illini, and he's only a sophomore. They should have gotten him more than one carry during last year's 34-23 loss in Lawrence, when they relied mostly on QB Luke Altmeyer to carry the ball.

The only noteworthy thing to come out of KU's 48-3 win against barely Division I-AA Lindenwood was that quarterback Jalon Daniels did not get hurt. The game-breaking dual-threat QB has missed much of the past two seasons to shoulder and back injuries.

You can call them Jay, or you can call them Hawks, or you can call them Jayhawks, but you doesn't hasta call them ... um ... how does that punch line go again? Oh yeah, there isn't one.

Kansas 45, Illinois 31

Oregon State at San Diego State

The Beavers visit Snapdragon Stadium for the first time, and it is not clear whether there will ever be another. That's because the scheduling agreement between the Mountain West and the two remaining Pac 12 teams has not been renewed, which means that next year OSU and Washington State will have to negotiate with individual teams, instead of with the MWC collectively.

If there's one thing beavers do well, it's rebuilding. That's a good thing, considering the destruction that the dissolution of the Pac 12 has inflicted on this team. No longer in a power conference, they watched starting quarterback D.J. Uiagalelei, conference-leading rusher Damien Martinez, leading receiver Silas Bolden and place kicker Atticus Sappington all bolt for what are now bigger programs.

The new Aztec head coach is Sean Lewis, who was offensive coordinator at Colorado last year until Deion Sanders demoted him midseason. Seems like SDSU is watching what Coach Prime does and doing the opposite. Sounds to the Czar like a pretty good strategy.

San Diego State 29, Oregon State 19

Michigan State at Maryland

First-year Spartan coach Jonathan Smith was the head man at Oregon State for six years, which makes last Friday's rookie mistake all the more puzzling. In his first game in East Lansing, Smith passed on a chip shot field goal attempt that would have given his team a nine-point, fourth-quarter lead, which would have been nearly insurmountable in such a tight defensive struggle. Instead, he went for a fourth-and-one from the nine and was stopped, and then had to hang on in a 16-10 scare against a feisty Florida Atlantic team.

The College Football Czar hereby extends a Lardhead of the Year Award nomination to backup Terrapin quarterback M.J. Morris. The sophomore was somehow allowed to redshirt himself when he quit on his Nc State team after playing four games last season. So he preserved a year's eligibility, but for what purpose? He was starting for NCSU a year ago, but now he's watching Billy Edwardsjr start ahead of him with the Terps. He traded four more games of actually playing major college football for an entire season in which he now appears to be a third-stringer.

Whoever coined the phrase "quit while you're ahead" did not exactly have this in mind.

Michigan State 14, Maryland 13

Army at Florida Atlantic

The Burrowing Owls gave a good account of themselves in a 16-10 loss at Michigan State, but not without QB Cam Fancher taking a ferocious beating. The former Marshall Thundering Herd hurler was cradling his non-throwing hand as he left the field at the end of an ugly 12-for-25, two-INT performance.

With the exception of you-know-who, FAU skipper Tom Herman was one of the most active coaches in the transfer portal, in terms of both acquisitions and losses. In fact, center Federico Maranges is the only starter returning from last year's offensive unit.

The Black Knights play their first conference game since they departed the C-USA after the 2004 season, but their program is on the upswing now, and expects to be more competitive in the AAC. Jeff Monken's club has got most of its offensive parts back from last year, so it ought to be able to run its triple-option efficiently, even though it's early in the season.

What do burrowing owls need a portal for, anyway? They should have learned their lesson from The Shawshank Redemption, which handily has been on most channels thrice daily since 1998. Andy Dufresne was doing just fine as long as he was burrowing with that tiny pickaxe, but then the portal he went through was none too pleasant.

Army 21, Florida Atlantic 18

Virginia at Wake Forest

Sophomore Anthony Colandrea enters this game as the starting Cavalier quarterback, and he must have earned it, because Tony Muskett is so much more fitting with the team motif that it would have been tempting to give him the nod had the competition been close.

WF gets more experience but less potential in super-senior Hank Bachmeier, who comes from Boise State by way of Louisiana Tech. Bachmeier went 6-0 as a starter during the 2019 regular season, but has not approached that kind of success since then. It's not clear how much he can do to help a Demon Deacon offense that finished next to last in the ACC in 2023, ahead of only Pitt.

The Deacons won their season opener, but it was only against NC A&T, so it's no big deal. Honestly, the College Football Czar was not even aware that the phone company had a team.

Virginia 10, Wake Forest 7

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone