The Original College Football Czar

Week 2

Week one in review: The Arch for Heisman campaign went over about as well as the Arch Deluxe, as Texas QB Arch Manning tried his hand at womanning for the first three quarters of a 14-7 loss to defending national champion Ohio State. The Longhorn sophomore showed such a lack of touch on most of his passes that they might have been mistaken for Angel Reese layup attempts. With a 12-team playoff field, the no-longer #1 team is still in the picture, at least until battling Florida and Oklahoma on consecutive Saturdays in early October.

The College Football Czar has got to hand it to Florida State quarterback Tommy Castellanos, who backed up his brash talk against Alabama, sort of. He was right in pointing out that the Crimson Tide do not have Nick Saban to save them. In fact, signs of decline in that program are visible under second-year skipper Kalen DeBoer. The remarkable thing about FSU's 31-17 victory, however, was the way the Seminoles pushed around the pachyderms on both offensive and defensive lines. Castellanos himself obviously played as well as he had to, but not nearly enough to justify a remark like "I just don't see them stopping me." The guy only managed to find his wide receivers four times all afternoon. Had he included his teammates, as in "I just don't see them stopping us," that would have been a different story.

Opening Day was not a good one for Kansas State quarterback Avery Johnson. First, he and his Wildcats lost the Emerald Isle Classic to rival Iowa State 24-21, and then his father and brother were recorded brawling in the street, with each other! They have since been appropriately mortified and apologetic; nevertheless, they are hereby officially nominated for the Lardhead of the Year Award. Doesn't Ireland have enough pugilism of its own, without importing more of it from the Sunflower State? As the saying goes, when in Rome, make an international embarrassment out of yourself. Or something like that.

The fortnight of Week 1 wrapped up on Labor Day, with the wildly anticipated college coaching debut of Bill Belichick. His North Carolina Tar Heels appeared to be badly unprepared, as they were summarily trounced by the TCU Horned Frogs by 34 points. One might chalk this up to nuances in the college game to which the longtime NFL-er is still acclimating himself. Either that, or he has simply had his mind on other things (nudge nudge, wink wink).

The College Football Czar only picked one of last Saturday's three blockbuster games correctly, but he fared considerably better overall, finishing with a record of 15-8, for a .652 winning percentage.

Sept. 5

Northern Illinois at Maryland

In Week 2 of last season, NIU knocked off Notre Dame in South Bend, so SECU Stadium in College Park shouldn't be much of an intimidation factor. Then again, you don't need it to be, when your team slogan is something as bone-chilling as "Fear the Turtle." The Huskies are 0-2 in previous meetings at this same venue, having captured their only victory in the series back home in DeKalb.

The Terrapins' 39-7 thumping of Florida Atlantic was their 16th consecutive nonconference victory, which the College Football Czar found suspicious, because they're just not that good a team. Upon reviewing the record, however, he sees that the streak includes a home-and-home sweep of Virginia, wins against West Virginia and SMU, and bowl victories over Virginia Tech, Nc State and Auburn. The last nonconference opponent to beat them, believe it or not, was Temple, in 2019.

Northern Illinois is leaving the MAC for the Mountain West Conference next season, and the College Football Czar would like to know who thought this was a good idea. The school had previously played in the Big West from 1993-95, and the geographic mismatch seemed to affect their play, as they produced a combined record of 11-22 during that stretch. At least in that league, they were accompanied by two other schools in the Central Time Zone (Arkansas State, Louisiana Tech). As of this moment, their nearest opponent in the MWC will be Wyoming. This will basically turn every one of the Huskies' conference road trips into the Idiot-arod.

Maryland 28, Northern Illinois 24

Sept. 6

Central Michigan at Pitt

Finally, after many years, the Panthers played crosstown foe Duquesne, just as the fans have long demanded. Of course, they meant in basketball, but why split hairs?

The Chippewas scored a big road win at San Jose State last Friday night, but their offense didn't chipp in very much. It looked as if they had sealed the 16-14 victory by blocking a late field goal attempt, but because they were unable to move the ball, SJSU has time to drive back into range for a long kick on the last play of the game. The 56-yarder sailed wide, but can CMU continue to be so lucky?

In fact, this performance was only consistent with the entire 2024 season, in which the Chips ranked next-to-last in the Mid-American Conference in total offense, ahead of only Kent State. Perhaps the greatest threat to the Panthers is that they may be overconfident in their defense when they walk into an ambush in West Virginia a week later.

The center of Michigan is "hi," which just happens to also be the center of Ohio. So you see, they're really both the same, deep down inside. You might think this is a pointless observation, except that it is really ticking of everybody from either state who's reading it.

Pitt 23, Central Michigan 7

Florida International at Penn State

The Nittany Lions would play tougher early opponents if only all four power conferences played nine-game conference schedules. You probably have to be a PSU graduate to follow coach James Franklin's fancy ciphering on the subject, but it all adds up to a presumptive national championship contender playing a nonconference schedule that consists of Nevada, FIU and Division I-AA Villanova. Back in the BCS era, such an exhibition of tomato can-kicking would have meant they needed to go undefeated in order to play in the title game. The College Football Czar fails to see what would be so wrong about that.

There has been nothing enigmatic about the International Men of Mystery for the past five years. The Panthers dropped the "Golden" from their moniker some time ago, but perhaps they ought to rename themselves the Golden Corral, because what you see is what you get, and it usually isn't very pleasant.

Why do so many people who have trouble walking insist on going to a buffet? There are plenty of restaurants where someone will happily bring the food to them.

Penn State 64, Florida International 13

West Virginia at Ohio

It's a good thing the Mountaineers were in little danger of allowing a touchdown against Division I-AA Robert Morris, otherwise those three fumbles they lost on consecutive first-half possessions might have proven costly. Although the final score was typical of one of these season-opening mismatches, it was only 10-3 at the half.

The Bobcats might have punctuated their visit to SHI Stadium with a *, because that's probably what they said when their 17-point comeback gave way to a late Rutgers field goal for a 34-31 defeat. OU generally seemed to outplay the Scarlet Knights, with the exception of a blocked punt for a touchdown, which put them down 31-14 at the time.

Head coach Rich Rodriguez returns to WVU, where he led his team to two BCS bowls (Sugar and Fiesta), and three appearances in the Gator Bowl. Between the years of 2001-07, his head was the most incendiary device in Morgantown, which is really saying something.

West Virginia 26, Ohio 21

Michigan at Oklahoma

Wolverine head coach Sherrone Moore ironically benefits from his program's sign-stealing scandal, in that the $35 million fine the NCAA handed down is roughly what a contract for his replacement would cost. His other insurance policy is that, unlike last year, he has got a quarterback befitting a power conference team.

The "O" in OU didn't stand for O last season, which didn't leave much else for it to do. The acquisition of an offensive coordinator and his starting quarterback from Washington State should improve upon a passing offense that ranked last in the SEC in 2024. In an otherwise uninteresting 35-3 win over Division I-AA Illinois State, John Mateer set a Sooner record for the most passing yards in a QB's first start with the team. It's not really a valid comparison to most of his predecessors from the pre-portal era, because he is a seasoned junior and not a first-time starter, but it isn't totally meaningless, either.

Believe it or not, this is the first-ever regular season meeting between these two traditional powers, whose only previous clash was a 14-6 Sooner victory in the Orange Bowl to finish the 1975 season. With the win, Barry Switzer's team captured its second consecutive national championship.

In spite of that, RFK Jr. insists that they make Switzer's better in Europe and Canada than they do here. A worm ate part of his brain, you know.

Oklahoma 25, Michigan 14

Baylor at SMU

In a 38-24 home loss to Auburn, the BU defense got gashed on the ground for 135 yards by QB Jackson Arnold, who would not be categorized as a dual threat, but who can beat you with your feet if you make him improvise. The same is true of Southern Methodist slinger Kevin Jennings, which means the Bears can't afford to drop too many men into coverage.

The Mustangs opened against a little school called East Texas A&M, which is not to the east of Texas A&M. It's only called that because somebody is trying to hide it. Early last year, after a pointless pummeling of another lower-division school, Houston Christian, the Stangs suffered their only loss of the regular season, in an 18-15 offensive collapse against Brigham Young. We'll see if they're better prepared to face some resistance this time.

Remember the lesson from Baylor coach Dave Aranda's dwarf-tossing anecdote. A coach must pretend to identify with and value his players, when in reality they're just stuff for him to use. No wonder they turned in such an inspired opening performance.

SMU 28, Baylor 27

Iowa at Iowa State

Is it just that the Hawkeyes didn't want to show their hand before facing their intrastate rivals? Why else would a team with a famously sluggish offense persuade a potent passer to transfer into the program, and then not let him throw the ball downfield? Against Division I-AA Albany, former South Dakota State QB Mark Gronowski completed 8 of 15, for only 44 yards. The College Football Czar guesses that they'll turn him loose early in this game, in an attempt to catch the Clones flat-footed.

ISU plays its second big rivalry game of the young season, having defeated Kansas State in Dublin, 24-21. In last year's battle for the Cy-Hawk trophy, they trailed 19-7 in the third quarter, but came back to beat their cross-state enemies 20-19 on a 54-yard Kyle Konrardy field goal with just a few seconds remaining.

Do you think it's strange that people would clone somebody with flat feet? Well, in The Boys From Brazil, they cloned Adolf Hitler, who had a considerable physical deficiency of his own, if the song is to be believed. And who doesn't believe songs?

Iowa State 21, Iowa 17

Illinois at Duke

Like conference rival Clemson, the Blue Devils are an otherwise excellent team that did nothing during the offseason to address its need at the running back position. The same group of backs has returned from a unit that ranked seventh-worst in the nation in 2024, with an average of 92.5 yards per game. The College Football Czar is beginning to think ACC stands for "a couple carries."

The Fighting Illini return basically intact from their first 10-win season since their Big Ten championship year of 2001. They may not have made it into the playoffs, but after their Citrus Bowl victory over South Carolina, they should by all rights have finished the season ranked ahead of Indiana.

Illini coach Bret Bielema had previously been head coach at Wisconsin and Arkansas. He left the Razorbacks in 2018, and went to work for the New England Patriots as a consultant to head coach Bill Belichick. He only held that position for one year, which makes the Czar wonder what happened. He probably said something like, "Act your age, Bill, and stop dressing like such a hobo."

Illinois 34, Duke 20

Boston College at Michigan State

If BC sophomore quarterback Dylan Lonergan had still been at Alabama, last year's Eagle starter Tommy Castellanos might not have anything to brag about right now. It's hard to tell very much, however, from a blowout win against a lower-division opponent like Fordham, whose "Seven Blocks of Granite" now describes its pass defense.

The Spartans improved their all-time record against Western Michigan to 13-0 with a 23-6 win last Friday. They have not fared as well against the Eagles, who defeated them 23-19 at Chestnut Hill a year ago. That was at the annual Red Bandana Game, played in honor of Eagle alumnus Welles Crowther, who died heroically while rescuing others from the World Trade Center. Home field advantage can be overrated, but that has been a tough atmosphere for opposing teams to play in since the tradition started. This week's rematch in East Lansing will have a whole different feel to it.

Sophomore MSU running back Makhi Frazier rushed for 103 yards and a touchdown against WMU, on only 14 carries. That's more yardage than last year's leading rusher, Kay'Ron Lynch-Adams, gained in a single game for Sparty all last season.

Have you ever noticed that Eagle coach Bill O'Brien's chin resembles the point of a football, where it makes a little X? The College Football Czar will have to consult a genealogist to see if there's any relation.

Michigan State 17, Boston College 14

Ole Miss at Kentucky

One might wonder what the Rebels are going to do without QB Jaxson Dart. If their game against Georgia State is any indication, they've graduated to axe-throwing. In that 63-7 romp, they rolled up 695 total yards, 341 of those from new starter Austin Simmons, who overcame two first-quarter picks to complete 20 of 31.

Last season, the Wildcats dealt Mississippi a devastating 20-17 loss, in which they went 3-for-3 on fourth-down conversions, including one on the game-winning touchdown drive. Over the past twenty years, UK is 3-5 against the Rebs, will all five losses being decided by seven points or fewer.

It's a little-known fact that when Ole Miss fans say "Hotty Toddy," they are expressing their admiration for a cheerleader named Todd. It seems the Minnesota Vikings are late arrivals to the party. Then again, universities are usually way out in front, where stuff like this is concerned.

Ole Miss 29, Kentucky 22

Virginia at Nc State

Most of last week's wins for power conference teams are unimpressive because of the level of competition, but the Cavaliers clobbered a legitimate opponent in Coastal Carolina 48-7. The defense held the Chanticleers to only one third-down conversion on 14 attempts, which of course means they consistently held them to short yardage on first and second downs.

The Wolfpack avenged an ugly bowl loss to neighboring rival East Carolina, but it wasn't easy. They led by 17 points going into the fourth quarter, and had to thwart a fourth-down play at their own nine-yard-line to preserve a 24-17 victory. NCSU receiver Wesley Grimes is a hometown product who had a Raleigh big game against ECU. The senior caught four passes for a career-high 121 yards, including a 48-yard touchdown.

Raleigh is home to a professional hockey team that is known as the Bunch of Jerks. Their official team name, unsurprisingly enough, is the Hurricanes.

Nc State 38, Virginia 31

Kansas at Missouri

In a bit of a role reversal, it's the Jayhawks who invade the territory of the border ruffians in this renewal of an old Big 8-slash-XII rivalry. Mizzou leads the all-time series 54-48-8, but they haven't met since a five-game series in Missouri City ended in 2011.

Beau Pribula was an effective change-of-pace quarterback for Penn State, but how good will he be when he has to provide the pace in the first place for this Tiger team? A statistically good performance against the Division I-AA Central Arkansas Bears doesn't do much to answer that question.

In this year's opener, KU held a Division I-A opponent to single digits in scoring for the first time since 2021, in a 31-7 thrashing of a formidable Fresno State team. They held the Bulldogs to 216 total yards while going plus-3 in turnovers.

The College Football Czar doesn't understand what's supposed to be so menacing about the ruffians. They look pretty timid, with their big eyes, round little bodies, colorful beaks and webbed feet.

Oh, wait a minute. Those are puffins. Never mind.

Kansas 45, Missouri 28

Uconn at Syracuse

The Orange have beaten their former Big East foes five times in a row to take a 7-6 lead in the series. Last November, they dominated in total yardage, but repeatedly blew opportunities to stretch their lead before finally finishing the Huskies off by a score of 31-24.

With a win, the Conn Men would be well on their way to a second consecutive winning season as an Independent. Aside from their three ACC opponents, they play three of the lesser teams from the American Conference, two apiece from the MAC and Conference USA, and middling Mountain West member Air Force.

The Huskies had an easy time against their Week 1 opponent, not just because it was a Division I-AA team, but because it was Connecticut against Central Connecticut. They already had them surrounded before the game even kicked off.

Syracuse 27, Uconn 19

Texas State at UTSA

Redshirt freshman quarterback Brad Jackson was a surprise starter for the Bobcats in Week 1, but it won't be a surprise when he takes the field again this week, after he tossed four TDs in a 52-27 win over Eastern Michigan. TSU had added a couple QB transfers during the offseason, including Nate Yarnell, who had started eleven games at Pitt. Still, it was the program's own recruit who prevailed in a four-way preseason competition.

The meepers met their match at College Station last week, but the competitive 42-24 loss to Texas A&M speaks well of their chances to contend in the American Conference. Senior running back Robert Henryjr has had by far his three biggest games all in a row, ending last season with 168 yards against North Texas and 177 against Temple, and opening 2025 with a 176-yard effort against the ampersanders.

When he runs through the tunnel that Wile E. Coyote has painted on the side of a big rock, how do they count the yardage?

UTSA 37, Texas State 26

Western Kentucky at Toledo

UT put up a tough scrap in a 24-16 loss to Kentucky, but the Hilltoppers probably won't be impressed. Last season, the Rockets went on the road and routed Mississippi State 41-17, only to fall to WKU 26-21 a week later. The Tops trailed that game 21-10 until a lightning delay late in the third quarter, but resumed play with a safety that turned the momentum.

Maverick MacIvor is not exactly the legend of the West, but he did have three very good seasons at Abeline Christian. In his first game in Division I-A, the Topper tosser threw for 401 yards and three TDs to beat Conference USA foe Sam Houston, 41-24.

One of these teams has the silliest, most inexplicable mascot in all of college football. But enough about Jamie Farr.

Toledo 32, Western Kentucky 30

Houston at Rice

For Rice to take on the Ragin Cajuns may sound a little like the plankton against the whales, but the eaters became the et as the Owls left Lafayette with a 14-12 victory. The win was their first in a season opener against a Division I-A opponent since they smashed SMU way back in 2008.

As crosstown rivalries go, this one doesn't rank up there with the Lightning Eleven vs. the Grant Avenue Tigers, or even USC-UCLA. Last year, on the UH campus, these teams drew barely over 28,000, a pretty embarrassing turnout for two home teams in a city with a population of 2.4 million.

A year ago, the Cougars averaged an even 14.0 points per game, which was good for third-worst in the nation. That means next to nothing, now that they have added QB Connor Weigman from Texas A&M, and TE Tanner Koziol from Ball State. The biggest question is how far this team can bob toward the surface of the soupy Big XII standings.

The Lightning Eleven only had six players, but so what? There are now 17 teams in the Big Ten. Ther are 16 teams in the Big XII. There are 2 teams in the Pac 12. So you see, Beaver's team that prowled the hallowed grounds of Metzger's Field was visionary, even if its trick "Old 98" play backfired.

That Penny. What a crumb.

Houston 35, Rice 31

Vanderbilt at Virginia Tech

Last year's miracle season in Music City began with a 34-27 overtime victory over the visiting Gobblers. Commodore quarterback Diego Pavia threw for 190 yards and rushed for 104 more in his big league debut. On the other side, Kyron Drones passed for a career high of 332, but Tech's lack of a ground game cooked its gizzard.

VT ironically fell victim to Beamer-ball last Sunday, when Shane Beamer's South Carolina club scored a special teams touchdown to take command of a neutral-site game in Atlanta. The 80-yard punt return extended the Gamecock lead to 17-8 early in the fourth quarter, on the way to a 24-11 final.

Is the College Football Czar the only one who thinks it's a bad omen for a team with a turkey mascot to pick cranberry and yam-colored uniforms?

Vanderbilt 26, Virginia Tech 16

Bowling Green at Cincinnati

The Falcons hold a surprising 4-0 lead in this series, but all of those games were between 1990-94. Back then, the Bearcats were still wallowing among the ranks of the remaining Independents, about fifteen years away from their back-to-back Big East championships.

Transplanted Tennessean Eddie George returns to the Buckeye State as head coach of BGSU. Last Thursday, the legendary Ohio State and Tennessee Titan running back won his Division I-A coaching debut, albeit against a I-AA opponent, Lafayette.

Sores be on the backside of Bearcat QB Brendan Sorsby, after the trampling he took in a 20-17 Week Zero loss to Nebraska in Arrowhead Stadium. He did have a good game on the ground, with 96 yards and two touchdowns on 13 carries, but he passed for a puny total of 69 yards while completing 13 of 25, and throwing a last-minute interception, just as his team was on the cusp of tying field goal range.

Have you ever tried bowling green? It's really quite simple. First you drink a Keystone Light; then, once you've turned green, you bowl.

Bowling Green 15, Cincinnati 13

San Diego State at Washington State

Wazzu is such a mess right now, it probably needs Dude Wipes. The Cougars' 2024 season disintegrated when they lost QB John Mateer to an injury. Now that they've lost him for good through the transfer portal, it's not apparent that they have very much left. In this season's opener, they needed a field goal with three seconds remaining to stave off neighboring Division I-AA opponent Idaho.

The Aztecs were 3-3 last year when a 29-26 loss to WSU started them on a six-game skid to end the season. However, it was Mateer who rallied the Cougs for two late touchdowns to overcome a 12-point fourth-quarter deficit in that game. The College Football Czar will believe they are capable of accomplishing that without him when he sees it.

Seriously, nobody needs Dude Wipes. They are a silly invention. If toilet paper doesn't work for you, then you just aren't very good at doing things. If you haven't had the misfortune of seeing any of this product's commercials during the games, the Czar is not going to soil his own publication by describing them. Suffice it to say that if you are experiencing the kind of a malady they depict, you do not need Dude Wipes. What you need is a proctologist.

San Diego State 10, Washington State 7

Army at Kansas State

As long as the Emerald Isle Classic has been going on, the College Football Czar does not remember there ever being so much concern about the travel being detrimental to the participants in subsequent games. The NFL plays three games a year in London, and the teams usually have to take the field again the following week, without any excuses. Why should it be so different for college players going to Dublin? Are they coming home with a six-day hangover?

The Wildcats escaped an upset bid by a Division I-AA opponent last week, but the Black Knights did not. Cadet kicker Dawson Jones missed from 43 yards out at the end of regulation time, and then from 35 in the second overtime of a 30-27 loss to Tarleton State, whereas K-State came up with a late TD to turn away North Dakota, 38-35.

The Cats' home field, partly named after their former coach, is called Bill Snyder Family Stadium. According to an internet rumor that the Czar is trying to start, it has now been renamed Avery Johnson Family Stadium, which is why President Trump is sending in the military.

Kansas State 35, Army 24

The College Football Czar

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