The College Football Czar

Week 16

Week fifteen in review: The biggest news of the week is that Florida has been eliminated from national championship contention, and stupidly so. In a tie game with about two minutes remaining, Gator cornerback Marco Wilson made a tackle that appeared to end an LSU drive, but he found himself holding Tiger tight end Kole Taylor's shoe at the end of the play, so he got up and flung to footwear as far downfield as he could. The resulting 15-yard penalty eventually led to a 57-yard field goal that took away any chance that Wilson's team had of taking Alabama's CFP bid away from them this weekend.

So this is what it took to make college football announcers become judgmental about unsportsmanlike conduct? As far as most of those guys are concerned, almost anything else goes. A player can taunt his opponents on his way into the end zone, perform a rehearsed dance routine, thump his chest, flex his muscles, pretend to be Superman, pose for pictures in the back of the end zone, and parade around with a crown and a scepter, and that's all in good fun. At least what Wilson did was spontaneous. Most of these other things are examples of premeditated unsportsmanlike conduct. If the players can't be expected to exercise enough discipline not to deliberately behave like anterior orifices, then how's a guy to control himself while getting caught up in the moment after making a big play?

There are now three power-five teams with two losses apiece that are ranked ahead of 8-0 Cincinnati, prompting American Athletic Conference commissioner Michael Aresco to wax nostalgic for the BCS, and the College Football Czar agrees. At least the BCS had a degree of objectivity built into the system, as opposed to the unapologetically subjective CFP "eye test." There was never any need to scrap the BCS rating system in order to implement the plus-one format that guarantees that the best team in the nation is not left out of the national championship game.

The College Football Czar finished the week at 9-4, which brings his season record to 128-74, for a .634 winning percentage.

Dec. 11

Conference USA Championship -- UAB at Marshall

Freshman quarterback Grant Wells dug the Thundering Herd a hole two weeks ago when he threw five interceptions, but there was plenty of blame to go around for their first defeat of the season, a 20-0 slobberknocking by Rice on their home field. The moo-men's once powerful ground game took a dirt nap, accounting for only 80 yards..

The Blazers have just beaten that same Owl team 21-16, but that was their first win since Week 7. In the meantime, they've lost to Louisiana-Lafayette and Louisiana Tech, and had four games canceled. Their freshman QB has had his INT problems also, but junior Tyler Johnstoniii is back behind center.

Birmingham has flown under the radar at 5-3, but had they played all those games that have been scratched from their schedule, against North Texas, UTEP, Southern Miss and Middle Tennessee, they'd likely have nine wins by now.

What the Czar can't figure out is how they manage to fly at all. It's not as if they called themselves We a bee.

UAB 23, Marshall 20

MAC Championship -- Buffalo vs. Ball State

The Bulls face a familiar foe as they seek their second-ever Mid-American Conference championship. In 2008 a 7-5 UB team shocked the 12-0 Cardinals 42-24, making speculation about BSU playing in a BCS game sound about as silly as it was.

The Cards were almost dealt a lethal blow against Western Michigan, until an illegal forward pitch nullified a series of wacky laterals, preventing a WMU touchdown and preserving a 30-27 victory. At one point during that final play, the players on the Cardinal sideline thought they'd recovered a fumble and charged the field mistakenly, not unlike that lardheaded Kentucky fan against LSU back in 2002.

This Bull offense leads the nation in rushing with 344.2 yards per game, and in scoring with an average of 51.8. It helps, of course, that they've spent five games feasting on the MAC as if it were a family-sized box of Stouffer's.

The Czar was going to say Hamburger Helper in that last sentence, but who has ever feasted on that crud? Michael Stivic?

Buffalo 55, Ball State 41

Pac 12 Championship -- Oregon vs. USC

Just when the College Football Czar thought nothing could be lamer than Washington clinching the Pac 12 North by canceling its game at Oregon, the Fighting Ducks advance to the conference championship with a record of 3-2, because the Huskies are still unable to field a team.

This was supposed to be the last year this conference played its title game at Levi's Stadium, but because football is now verboten in Santa Clara, they will be playing on Southern Cal's home field in the cavernous L.A. Coliseum. Without any fans in attendance, it will be just like one of pro football's many ill-fated forays into that city.

A year ago, the webfoots were expected to be overpowered by a Utah team that still had a shot at the CFP, but their defensive front buried the Utes for six sacks and a 4-for-4 mark on fourth-down stoppages. Dont expect a performance like that from this years depleted D, which has been gashed for 420 yards per game.

For the third time in five games, the Trojans won after trailing with less than two minutes to play, this time against crosstown rival UCLA, 43-38. Sophomore QB Kedon Slovis may be vis slo, but he is vat good a passer, such that he has compiled 1,601 yards and 15 TDs in only five games. In addition, he has demonstrated the kind of clutch quarterbacking that hasn't been seen in this league since the Joey Harrington era in Eugene.

You could tell that Harrington would not be the same QB in the pros that he was in college when he arrived in Detroit and, when asked whether he preferred the duck or the lion mascot, he gave a noncommittal, political balderdash answer. What for? It's not as if there were some famous, wacky lion mascot that even made it a contest. Just pick the damn duck, Joey! If he couldn't handle the pressure of that dopey question, then playing behind that Lion OL was bound to go badly.

There's a lesson in that for Slovis. For starters, don't go by "Kedony."

USC 32, Oregon 30

Dec. 13

Big Ten Championship -- Ohio State vs. Northwestern

With a win, the lumpy nuts might get into the CFP, but we know the Wildcats would not. If OSU trails at halftime, the Czar predicts the Big Ten Administrators Council will call an emergency meeting to declare that all touchdowns in the second half are worth twelve points each.

NU is tied with Brigham Young for the second fewest points per game allowed, but how much of that is their own doing, and how much of it is because of the competition? It sure seems like they're just now facing their first formidable Big Ten offense, in game number eight.

The Cats defeated Illinois 28-10 to win the Land of Lincoln trophy, which is a likeness of the president's trademark stovepipe hat. It's a little-known fact that Lincoln's acolytes wore hats just like that to trigger the George McClellan supporters.

This championship is being played, as always, in Indianapolis, which is also known as the Circle City. Perhaps the Buckeye band members can pay tribute to the town by standing around on the field in a circle. They're very talented that way.

Ohio State 24, Northwestern 13

Big XII Championship -- Iowa State vs. Oklahoma

The 8-2 Cyclones are having an excellent season, but why would the CFP committee bump them above undefeated Cincinnati in the rankings? ISU's opening loss to Louisiana-Lafayette of the Sun Belt Conference makes the decision difficult to justify based on schedule strength, especially when the Big XII has been far from a genuine power conference itself. The College Football Czar smells a scheme to stir up controversy in hopes of instigating playoff expansion.

Back in Week 4, the Sooners' season was in a shambles after a 37-30 defeat in Ames dropped them to 1-2. In hindsight, losing a close road game to the Clones, a week after falling to a Kansas State team that still had senior quarterback Skylar Thompson, wasn't really so bad.

Back when it was fun to watch, the Big XII championship was played at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City. In 2009, it was moved indoors, to Jerry Jones' House of Inadequacy. The game was actually on hiatus from 2011 through 2016, until the NCAA changed its rules to allow a conference championship game for a league with fewer than 12 members. Anyway, this makes two title games being played in domes, this Saturday at noon. All of a sudden, that horrid Florida State-Wake Forest game that's going on at the same time sounds weirdly compelling.

How does ISU continue to pass the "eye test" in those nasty black get-ups? Is Jerry Glanville on the CFP committee?

Oklahoma 44, Iowa State 35

Sun Belt Championship -- La.-Lafayette at Coastal Carolina

The Chanticleers preserved their perfect record with a swift, last-minute touchdown drive to defeat Troy, 42-38. There had been concerns about a letdown, facing a .500 team a week after a big win over Brigham Young. No chance of their falling into a trap against ULL, because they know exactly into what they are getting themselves.

The Ragin Cajuns' only loss was on their home field way back on a Wednesday night in Week 6, when a last-second CCU field goal sent the crowd of nearly 6,000 home unhappy. So why aren't the 10-0 Chants ranked ahead of that 8-2 Iowa State team the Cajuns defeated in their opener?

From all the media attention the Chanticleers are getting, two things are abundantly clear. One is that they are a very talented team that has made tremendous strides since last season. The other is that they are a collection of supreme lardheads. Not that there's any contradiction there. Lots of lardheads are actually quite talented. Well, "talented" is kind of a stretch, but at least they're really good at getting on reality TV.

Coastal Carolina 21, La.-Lafayette 20

ACC Championship -- Notre Dame vs. Clemson

Not all of this week's conference championship games are going to seem like the real thing, but this is one that is every bit as big a game as if it had taken place a year ago. The 2020 season has been so weird, the Czar has got to wonder if the Son of Clem would necessarily be out of the CFP picture with another loss to the golden domers.

Seriously. Iowa State is currently ranked #6 with an 8-2 record that includes a loss to ULL. Another two-loss team, Florida, just lost to a sub-.500 LSU team, yet is ranked seventh. Why shouldn't a two-loss team with both losses to an undefeated, second-ranked team remain ahead of them in the pecking order? If these two meet for a third time this season in the CFP, maybe that will quell the agitation for expansion. With conference championships and a playoff of eight teams or more, a re-rematch in the CFP would become a perennial possibility.

The first thing everyone notes about this titanic rematch is that Trevor Lawrence didn't play in the Tigers' 47-40 double-overtime defeat in Week 10, but how much does that really matter? Freshman D.J. Uiagalelei threw for 439 yards that day. There's not much more that Lawrence really could have done. Then again, he doesn't need to do much more, the difference in that first contest being so vanishingly narrow.

When the Czar first heard an announcer try to say the backup Tiger QB's name, he thought it was D.J. Ukulele. This conjured up the sound of Hawaiian music, with that infernal vinyl voopa-voopa noise mixed in. It was still an improvement over "Sweet Caroline."

Clemson 31, Notre Dame 24

American Athletic Conference Championship -- Tulsa at Cincinnati

It's never a good thing to cancel a football game, but last week's scheduled UC-TU matchup was as close as it gets. With the teams already on a collision course for the conference title game, their regular season meeting would have been an awkward, tentative snooze, with neither coaching staff wanting to give anything away.

Nobody expected the Bearcats to find a replacement for RB Michael Warreniii this season, and Gerrid Doaks would not have come close to Warreniii's total of 1,265 yards from last year even in an entire season. He has, however, duplicated his average of 4.8 yards per carry, while rushing for 660 yards and seven touchdowns.

TU is one program that seems to have a perpetual identity problem. Not only have they never had cohesive, recognizable uniforms, but they can't even come up with a decent mascot. The original Captain Cane had a head that looked like either a beehive or a piece of shredded wheat. In 2009, they replaced it with a nonsensical superhero that the Czar suspects is a rip-off of Meter Man from the Schoolhouse Rock Metric Marvels series.

You'd think, being named after a weather phenomenon, they'd have chosen Super Celsius, but he was obviously too much of a wuss. He was kind of like the Ed Begley Jr. of the metric system, if that's not a redundancy.

Cincinnati 21, Tulsa 16

Mountain West Championship -- Boise State vs. San Jose State

The Broncos' 17-9 win over Wyoming in snowy Laramie was very enjoyable to watch, partly because CBS Sports didn't meddle. By contrast, Fox utterly ruined the Utah-Colorado game by superimposing black yard markers over the snow. Instead of that game being an unexpected treat for the fans, it just looked like they were playing at Eastern Michigan. Evidently, the geeks at Fox still think the Glowpuck experiment was a rousing success.

Spartan senior running back Tyler Nevens set a career high two games ago by rushing for 152 yards against Hawaii, including a 72-yard touchdown run. One week later against Nevada, he easily bested that mark with 184 rushing yards, punctuated by a 69-yard score.

SJSU earned the right to be the home team in this title tilt, but the game will instead be played at Sam Boyd Stadium. Once again, a team from the Bay Area is being prohibited from playing in its own empty stadium. Or maybe the Broncs, accustomed to hosting the MWC championship themselves, simply don't know the way to San Jose.

That song really isn't about San Jose so much as it's about how unpleasant Dionne Warwick must have found Los Angeles to be. And that was half a century before Chip Kelly even arrived there!

San Jose State 26, Boise State 22

SEC Championship -- Florida vs. Alabama

For the tenth time these teams meet in the SEC title game, with Bama holding a 5-4 advantage. If it doesn't seem like it's been that competitive, perhaps that's because the Crimson Tide has won the past three, the most recent of those being a 54-16 blowout in 2016.

Tide wide receiver DeVonta Smith is first in the nation in receiving, and it appears almost certain he will remain there through the end of the season. His current total of 1,327 is 134 yards ahead of Mississippi's Elijah Moore, and he probably has a game at hand.

The Gators' loss to LSU has rendered this game practically meaningless as far as national contention is concerned. Even an upset over the U of A at this point would not be enough to place them among the final four, and the pachyderms will be packing their bags for that Sugar Bowl semifinal whether they win this week or not.

UF head coach Dan Mullen called Marco Wilson's costly shoe-throwing penalty "unfortunate." What, he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when that shoe came flying out of his hand? Oh, the Czar forgot. The coaches all say these days that they can't tell their players what to do.

Alabama 38, Florida 10

Illinois at Penn State

The Big Ten is supposed to have created this week's matchups according to the standings. For example, the second-place team in the East division is supposed to play the second-place team in the West, etc. So why is Penn State, in fourth place out of seven in the East, getting to beat up on West division doormat Illinois? According to the original plan, they would be matched against Wisconsin this week. It seems that a rule in this league lasts about as long as one of Todd Graham's lifelong commitments, or a supposedly profound thought passing through the mind of Mike Leach.

Because of this fortuitous matchup, combined with the absence of postseason qualifications, the Nittany Lions stand a realistic chance of finishing the season at .500, after a team record worst 0-5 start. Their current three-game winning streak is comprised of games against the three teams below them in the Big Ten East standings. The 2-5 Illini, fresh from getting head coach Lovie Smith canned, fit into that lineup seamlessly.

Offensive coordinator Rod Smith leads his demoralized squad into this afterthought of a game as the interim head coach, with absolutely no chance of getting the job permanently. If he has his priorities straight, he's probably too busy contacting former boss Rich Rodriguez about a job at Ole Miss to bother preparing this team.

Eight years ago, Creepy Franco brought a life-size cutout of Joe Paterno to Beaver Stadium to accompany him in his box. Now, the cutouts have taken over, to the point of banishing all the real people from their stadiums. It's just like artificial intelligence, only stupid.

Penn State 42, Illinois 13

Air Force at Army

The Czar does not count himself among those who think everything in the world is about Donald Trump, but the venue change for this year's Army-Navy game really was. For it was he who moved the game onto federal property at West Point, so that the Cadets could attend rather than being subject to Pennsylvania's stifling coronavirus restrictions. Keep in mind that Navy coach Ken Niumatalolo blamed Pentagon brass for giving the AFA an unfair advantage earlier this season. What must he think about the president giving home field advantage to his arch rivals?

The 3-2 Falcons have lost to Mountain West finalists San Jose State and Boise State. They've held their other three opponents (Navy, New Mexico and Utah State) to a combined total of 14 points. In their only recent game, they used Utah State 35-7, with the increasingly active arm of QB Hazziq Daniels putting up a season-high 127 passing yards.

Since each team has defeated the Midshipmen, this game will unambiguously decide the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy. By the time it is awarded at the White House, we may have a Commander-in-Chief who doesn't realize that's what he is. He'll probably be trying to look down the throat of an Indian, hoping to find the commander who will conduct the ceremony.

Air Force 17, Army 7

Ole Miss at LSU

As mentioned earlier, Rebel wide receiver Elijah Moore stands a very slim chance of finishing first in the nation in receiving yards. Even if he doesn't, he will surely end his season better than he did last year, when he cost his team the Egg Bowl by pretending to urinate like a dog in the end zone. The 15-yard penalty was accepted on the extra point attempt, which failed, handing the Mississippi State Bulldogs a 21-20 victory. What an unfortunate development that was.

Even in last week's win over Florida, the Tiger defense yielded 474 passing yards. They really haven't improved much at all since getting strafed for 632 passing yards by Mississippi State in their opener. Now they take on an offense led by sophomore slinger Matt Corral, who in his last three games has thrown for 1,310 yards, with 12 TDs and no interceptions.

Win or lose, this will be the end of the season for the no-longer-defending champions. That's because the Bayou Bengals, under investigation for NCAA violations, are preemptively pretending to punish themselves by dragging this tired carcass of a team into a bowl game. Fail Safe it ain't.

If you don't remember the movie Fail Safe, that's the one in which Jane Fonda's father kills eight million Americans by nuking our largest city, in hopes of pacifying the Commies. No need to rent it, though. It's happening in slow motion, right before our eyes.

Ole Miss 52, LSU 44

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone