The College Football Czar
Week
15
Week fourteen in review: The College Football Czar must nominate
himself for the Lardhead of the Year Award, for neglecting to include the
Texas-Texas A&M game in last week's picks.
He can't get around to picking every big game, and he did assemble his
pre-Thanksgiving picks in haste during a short weeks, but seriously, how did he
fail to notice the renewal of one of the game's greatest rivalries, which just
happened to decide a berth in the SEC championship game? Well, he has spent the week cleaning the lard
out, just in case you've ever wondered what those economy packs of 1,875 Q-tips
are for, so hopefully this week's Big Ten title game won't escape his notice.
One of the reasons the Czar says we
can't trust the sports media is the unanimity with which they present points of
view that we know are not nearly unanimous among the rest of us. For the past few weeks, you could hardly
watch a single game without being told that, contrary to concerns that the
expanded playoff would cheapen the regular season games, it has truly done the
opposite, in that it has made them so much more meaningful by giving so many
teams a chance to win the national championship.
Just look at what happened in Week
14. A 6-5 Michigan team shocked Ohio
State, which would have meant so much more if the outcome had denied the
Buckeyes a shot at the CFP. Instead, it
barely matters. OSU will still host a
first-round game in the playoff, which is what would have happened any if they
had played in this week's Big Ten title game and lost. This way, they don't have to go through a
bruising rematch with Oregon before beginning their playoff run. Miami blew a 21-0 lead to Syracuse, but no worries. As long as SMU beats Clemson in the ACC title
game, the Hurricanes are still in it.
Georgia needed eight overtimes to outlast Georgia Tech, but if they had
lost, they would still be playing for the SEC championship, and therefore also
for a top-four seed in the CFP. The fact that OSU obliterated Indiana two weeks
ago is utterly irrelevant now. The
cheapening of the regular season games is an objective, irrefutable fact, but
try finding an announcer or analyst who will recognize it.
Is unsportsmanlike conduct a serious
problem yet, or is the Czar just being un-"fun" again? Last Saturday, there were three games
(Michigan-Ohio State, Nc State-North Carolina and Florida-Florida State) in
which hostilities erupted when the victorious visiting team tried to plant its
flag in the middle of the other team's field.
A fourth incident involved one of the Arizona State Sun Devils thrusting
the mascot's pitchfork into the ground at midfield at the University of
Arizona. All four incidents involved
players exhibiting some lardhead's idea of "fun" by showing up the other
team. The fact that they all chose the
same method suggests a social media role, which is surely also the case with
many of the individual acts of in-game jerkery we have been seeing.
Over Thanksgiving weekend, the
College Football Czar stumbled to a 2-4 start before the Saturday games kicked
off, and that day's results were only enough to pull him above the .500 mark
for the week, at 11-10. For the season,
he is 155-107, for a .592 winning percentage.
Please note that the overlapping of
the regular season and postseason scheduling will prevent the Czar from issuing
this year's bowl and playoff picks all in one installment this year. Therefore, instead of including the Army-Navy
game in this week's picks, that game will kick off the Week 16 issue, which
will extend through the December 21st first-round playoff games.
Dec.
11
American Athletic Conference Championship -- West Point -- 8:00 (ABC)
Tulane at Army
TU's
Thanksgiving night loss to Memphis basically ensures that the Mountain West
winner will get the group-of-five CFP bid.
With another win, the 10-1 Black Knights would be the sentimental
favorite, but their strength of schedule just doesn't stack up. And then there's the minor detail that they
play their big game against Navy six days after the brackets are drawn.
The
Cadets clinched the regular season AAC championship last week with a 29-24
victory over visiting Texas-San Antonio, on the strength of a season-high 190
passing yards by Bryson Daly. The
second-year starting QB, who also gained 147 yards on the ground, has rushed
for more than 100 yards in every game this season but the opener against
Division I-AA Lehigh, when he was pulled early.
Leading
Green Wave ground gainer Makhi Hughes only got nine carries for 15 yards in
last Thursday's defeat, but the Czar has not seen any news of an injury. It appears instead that the waterboys simply
stopped running the ball when they fell behind MU, but instead had freshman QB
Darian Mensah attempt a season-high 33 passes.
This week, they'll try harder to take advantage of a West Point run
defense that was flattened for 9.4 yards per carry in a Week 13 drubbing by
Notre Dame.
Does it
occur to anybody that "Cadet" is kind of a feminine-sounding word to describe
our future warriors? You know, in a
dancing troupe kick line sort of a way.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, even though there is.
Tulane 34, Army 27
Mountain West Championship -- Boise -- 8:00 (FOX)
UNLV at Boise State
A 29-24
Week 9 victory in Vegas might not have made much of a highlight reel for Bronco
RB Ashton Jeanty, but he has seldom been more valuable to his team than he was
in carrying the ball seven times on a game-ending eight-minute drive, which
denied the Rebels a chance to take the lead.
BSU has
not appeared to be a playoff team since then, however. It trailed San Jose State in the second half,
barely beat both Nevada and Wyoming, and last week added a lackluster 34-18 win
against an Oregon State team whose season had already gone down the
woodchipper.
The Rebs
ran away with the Fremont Cannon, in a 38-14 rout of rival Nevada. The win was their sixth in seven games in
Mountain West play this season. That was
good enough to tie them for second with Colorado State, but they got the nod to
advance to this game by virtue of their #20 CFP ranking. Besides, it's a little-known fact that the
final criterion in the MWC tiebreaking process is that the advantage goes to
those who are not named after sheep.
Nevada-Las
Vegas refused to make an NIL payment to QB Matt Sluka, so he left. Now they're on the verge of playoff
qualification, but the downside is that they don't get to use the name Sluka. Don't think they miss that? Just try saying it a few times. Sluka, Sluka, Sluka. It's pretty groovy.
UNLV 42, Boise State 39
Conference USA Championship -- Jacksonville, AL -- 8:00 (CBSSN)
Western Kentucky at Jacksonville State
These
teams meet for the second time in as many weekends, with the Hilltoppers
forcing the rematch by beating Jax State 19-17 last Saturday. The big question is, can they repeat that
feat at Burgess-Snow Field, with the big Chicken Picasso logo at the
50-yard-line?
The
Gamecocks haven't been wearing their "Jax State" helmets lately. Perhaps they just got tired of people asking
them for cheese curls. Like the saying
goes, it's not easy being cheesy. Okay,
so that was a slogan for Cheetos, not Jax.
So who are you, the snack food police?
Why not just apply for a job in the new administration with Wormbrainman
Kennedy, while you're at it?
Anyway,
the Cocks seemed like a sure thing until they got bumped off in Bowling Green,
KY. Until then, they had won seven in a
row, including a recent 21-11 victory over their next closest competitor, Sam
Houston. Quarterback Tyler Huff has now
passed for 2,003 yards this year, and rushed for 1,176 more, with a total of 24
touchdowns.
The
Hilltoppers are not exactly peaking at the right time of the season, their win
over JSU notwithstanding. Before that,
they dropped consecutive games to Louisiana Tech and Liberty. If not for last week's last-second 50-yard
field goal, they would have fallen into fourth place.
With a
home field called Burgess-Snow, you'd think the Gamecocks might be called the
Penguins instead ("Whaehh-whaehh-whaehhhh!").
Jacksonville State 26, Western Kentucky 23
Dec.
12
Big XII Championship -- Arlington -- Noon (ABC)
Iowa State vs. Arizona State
Don't ask
the Czar why it would have worked out this way, but if Houston had upset BYU
late last Saturday, Colorado would be playing in this game instead of the
Cyclones. That would have been a
travesty, because CU quarterback Shedeur Sanders should have been suspended for
shoving an official in Week 13 against Kansas.
This was not an accidental nudge, or a bump while overzealously
disputing a call, but a forceful, angry, two-handed shove in the back. Yet the NCAA chose to do nothing, and the Big
XII announced that any disciplinary action would be administered internally by
Colorado. Buffalo chips! Absolutely nobody believes Deion is
disciplining his son, but even if he were, this is not an internal team
offense. Shedeur Sanders should not have
been allowed to play against Oklahoma State last Friday, and he should not be
allowed to play in the Buffaloes' bowl game.
Happily,
Brigham Young prevailed, which means the tie-breaker goes to ISU, which has
played almost as weak a schedule as Colorado has. The Clones have not faced ASU prior to this
league title game, nor have they had to play CU, BYU, or TCU. They finished the regular season with their
highest-quality win, 29-21 over Kansas State in Farmageddon.
Sun Devil
running back Cam Skattebo slipped out from under his no-nonsense persona to do
something completely nonsensical against Brigham Young in Week 13. With less than two minutes to go in the first
half, he scored his third touchdown of the day to give his team a 21-0
lead. Then, he stopped in a corner of
the end zone and autographed a friend's souvenir football, which is not
something that anyone thinks is legal to do.
For this, he faced no consequences, at least on a personal level. His team, of course, was penalized 15 yards
on the kickoff, which was enough to help the Cougars get on the board with a
field goal just before the break. The
College Football Czar thought about nicknaming him Scatterbrain over this
incident, but of course this was an act of selfishness, not stupidity. He got his highlight. He got his social media buzz. The penalty and the resulting three points
for the opposition were comparatively meaningless.
Actually,
they almost became very important, because the final score was only 28-23. BYU got the ball back midway through the
fourth quarter with a chance to take the lead.
Because the best player on the Sun Devils had to do something swaggy,
his team might have fallen into a four-way tie for fourth place in a bad
conference, instead of playing for a berth in the national playoff. But hey, if he hadn't done it, the
jocksniffers who host the highlight shows might not have said he was
awesome. So there's a risk on either
side.
Q: Why is
a fork the only utensil they use in Hell?
A:
Because there's no ice cream.
Arizona State 44, Iowa State 35
MAC Championship -- Detroit -- Noon (ESPN)
Ohio vs. Miami Ohio
The
perennially contending Bobcats are still seeking their first MAC championship
game victory, although they've reached the final on five previous
occasions. The RedHawks have been here
six times before, with a record of 4-2, most recently defeating Toledo a year
ago, 23-14.
OU was
slow out of the gate in Week 8, when these same teams met in Oxford, Ohio (not
to be confused with that more famous college town called Oxford, in
Mississippi). The Hawks held a 16-0
halftime lead, which they extended to 30-6 after three, before the Bobs
belatedly bounced back for a final of 30-20.
The MAC
doesn't produce passers the way it used to, but Brett Gabbert of MU has 2,610
yards this season. Unfortunately, he's
four inches shorter than his big brother Blaine, the longtime NFL quarterback. Nevertheless, Brett could probably take Colin
Kaepernick's job away from him, too, if only the lazy crud had one.
Ford
Field is not named after Gerald, even though he played college football in
Michigan. Come to think of it, Gerald J.
Ford Stadium in Dallas is not named after former president Gerald R. Ford,
either. This is an injustice that must
be rectified. Let's start a GoFundMe
page until we raise enough money to build something called Unelected Nonentity
Stadium, or The Lummox Dome.
Miami Ohio 26, Ohio 17
SEC Championship -- Atlanta -- 4:00 (ABC)
Georgia vs. Texas
If
there's anything to be said in favor of these massive new hyperconferences,
it's that they have produced only one rematch in the four power conference
championship games. When these teams met
in Week 8, RB Trevor Etienne led the Bulldogs to a 30-15 victory with three
touchdown runs. Etienne has missed three
games with a rib injury, however, and until very recently, coach Kirby Smart
sounded pessimistic about his return.
The
Longhorns battled their way past ancient rival Texas A&M to take the
regular season SEC title, with a 17-7 win in College Station. Quinn Ewers did little to quiet the
quarterback controversy, throwing a 99-yard pick six in the third quarter, and
then fumbling on the subsequent possession.
Still, Arch Manning only entered the game for a few running plays,
without attempting a single pass.
Obviously,
the venue for this game favors UGA, but officially, it's a neutral-site
contest. It will be interesting to see,
then, when debris starts flying onto the field, whether the officials know in
whose favor to call the game. You might
remember the long delay during that earlier game in Austin, when play had to be
stopped to clear away all the bottles and cans.
While that was going on, the officials huddled, and decided that the
angry fans were right, so they reversed their call in Texas' favor. Had the crowd not been so unruly, the next
play would have gotten off, and the incorrect call would have stood.
So
apparently, bombarding the field with beverage receptacles is just part of home
field advantage, kind of like making noise while the opposing team is trying to
call a play. Whereas A&M has the
12th Man, Texas now has the Garbage Man.
Okay, so
that doesn't really make much sense to us Yankees, because where we come from,
the garbage man takes away the garbage.
Texas 20, Georgia 10
Sun Belt Championship -- Lafayette -- 7:30 (ESPN)
Marshall vs. La.-Lafayette
As
successful as these two schools have been on the gridiron, they never happened
into each other until the 2021 New Orleans Bowl, in which the Ragin Cajuns
prevailed, 36-21. A year later, they won
a regular season game in Huntington, 23-13, and now, they host the moo-men at
Cajun Field for the first time.
The bovine
boomers are ready to rumble, having won six in a row since a 3-3 start. A week ago, they captured the East division
by beating James Madison on the road, 35-33 in double-overtime, to reach their
first final since joining the Sun Belt Conference in 2022. Once perennial champions in the MAC, the
Thundering Herd haven't won a league title since edging Louisiana Tech to take
Conference USA in 2014.
ULL is
playing for the Sun Belt title for the fourth time, with a previous record of
1-2, and all of those against Appalachian State. Last week, they denied rival Louisiana-Monroe
a bowl bid, by beating the Warhawks 37-23.
Had that game been a zylan movie, it might have been entitled Run
Zylan, Run Deep, because Cajun running back Zylan Perry ran deep into ULM territory
all day long, for a season-high 150 yards and two TDs.
Ever
wonder why the sun wears a belt? Because
if it ever took it off, it would moon us, and it lacks a sense of irony.
La.-Lafayette 33, Marshall 29
Big Ten Championship -- Indianapolis -- 8:00 (CBS)
Penn State vs. Oregon
This
season-ending clash between the nation's first and third-ranked teams is being
played for nothing more than a first-round bye.
Welcome to the playoff era. The
College Football Czar expects that once the season is over, questions about
whether a bye is really advantageous or not will lead to immediate demands for
another expansion, to 16 teams.
Both Ds
Td off on also-ran opponents last week.
The Nittany Lions rattled Maryland quarterback M.J. Morris into three
interceptions in a 44-7 runaway, while the webfoots went wild for ten sacks in
a 49-21 romp over rival Washington. It
will be up to the star running backs, Nicholas Singleton for PSU and Jordan
James for UO, to take some of the heat off by bursting through the opposing
rush for a couple big gainers.
As much
as the College Football Czar dislikes running up the score, it's not something
the losing team has a right to whine about.
If Maryland coach Mike Locksley didn't like the Lions popping in a
gratuitous touchdown on the last play of the game, he should have done more to
stop them. Nevertheless, PSU coach James
Franklin's defense of the practice was so weenie, he might as well have blamed
it on analytics. "There's also a change
in college football," he said. "We are trying
to play as long as we can, make the playoff and be seeded as high as possible. Scoring as many points and a point
differential [sic] matters. All of that
matters, and if you don't get that, it's really not my problem."
What
really is Franklin's problem is that he is speaking through his opposite orifice. If his team defeats the Ducks, it gets a
first-round bye and possibly a #1 seed, although that latter detail hardly
matters because there's no home field advantage after the first round. If the Lions lose, then they host a
first-round game. Whether his team had
beaten the Terrapins by a final score of 38-7 instead of 44-7 has about as much
bearing on its chances of wearing a national title as whether he wears footy
pajamas to bed at night.
For half
of their games, the Fighting Ducks wear their classic emerald green and lemon
yellow unis with the big O on the helmet, but for the really big games, they
dress like the Las Vegas Raiders. If
this is meant to give their opponents a false sense of security, it seems to be
working.
Oregon 31, Penn State 21
ACC Championship -- Charlotte -- 8:00 (ABC)
Clemson vs. SMU
The Son
of Clem can thank Miami wide receiver Jacolby George for giving them this
chance at a CFP bid in spite of their own 17-14 loss to South Carolia. The Hurricanes appeared to be well on their
way to a tying touchdown at Syracuse, when George confronted an opponent by
launching into his facemask with the crown of the helmet, thus thwarting his
own team's drive with a 15-yard penalty.
The resulting defeat gave second place to this Tiger team, who had
already finished ACC play with a conference record of 7-1.
Mustang
coach Rhett Lashlee made a curious call early in the season, when he benched
promising quarterback Preston Stone in favor of Kevin Jennings. The new QB's growing pains probably cost them
a game against BYU, but since he has hit his stride, he and his team have run
through the ACC at 8-0. Since his first two
tentative starts, Jennings has become more aggressive in throwing downfield,
while still maintaining a TD-to-INT ratio of almost three-to-one.
Southern
Methodist running back Brashard Smith must not be very brash, because he is not
nearly as well-known as Tiger toter Phil Mafah.
Nevertheless, he has gained 79 more yards than his counterpart, while
getting eight fewer carries throughout the regular season.
It's not
Dabo Swinney's fault his last name isn't spelled correctly, but his first name
is a nickname. How to spell it is pretty
much up to him, so why not get it right?
Unfortunately, he'll never listen to reason, ever since the College
Football Czar tried to explain to him how many n's are in "Clemsonning."
SMU 40, Clemson 28
a sports publication from The
Shinbone