The College Football Czar

Week 15

Week fourteen in review: Nothing interesting happened in the Top Ten last week, but the results of some of the lower-profile games were extraordinary. For starters, Akron ended a 21-game losing streak with not just a win, but a 31-3 blowout of Bowling Green. Winless Rice not only upset a ranked Marshall team, but shut them out, in Huntington. The MAC West was thrown into its usual state of chaos when 0-4 Eastern Michigan whacked 4-0 Western Michigan. The winless, nomadic New Mexico Lobos found its home game displaced to Sam Boyd Stadium in Las Vegas, where they waylaid Wyoming. And were Wisconsin and Oregon really considered national contenders just two weeks ago?

Already this week, there have been some very disappointing cancelations, beginning with the Ohio State-Michigan game. To summarize, Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh accused OSU coach Ryan Day of NCAA rules violations during a Big Ten conference call in August, after which Day promised his players that they would "hang a hundred" on the Wolverines this year. Now that Harbaugh's team has had a horrendous season, and the lumpy nuts are looking at a possible CFP berth, the game gets called off because to many Michigan players are sidelined by COVID protocols. The Czar isn't buying it, and he can tell that most of you aren't, either. The only playing the maize and blue are doing this week is in the role of a schoolboy, trying to talk himself into a stomach ache on the day of the science fair.

The other big game that got the axe is the one between 8-0 Cincinnati and 6-1 Tulsa, each of them undefeated in American Athletic Conference play. Because they are two and a half games ahead of the league's third-best team, however, they are still slated to meet next week in the AAC championship game. Elsewhere, the Czar has had to delete Oklahoma-WVU from this week's installment on short notice, as well as Washington-Oregon, where the Huskies actually clinched the Pac 12 North by canceling the game. The Czar should have guessed something like that would happen as soon as everyone started intentionally giving up touchdowns. This is like trying to watch football in France.

If you're wondering how the College Football Czar fared during all this upheaval, his answer, unfortunately, is not very well. Only a late TD by UCLA salvaged a 7-7 record for the week, during which the Czar's season record dipped to 119-68, for a .636 winning percentage.

Dec. 11

Arizona State at Arizona

The Sun Devils must be shaking their Satanic fisties in the air by this point, at which they are only 0-2 with two cancelations. Last week, they suffered their second last-minute defeat of the season, 25-18 to UCLA. The Devil defense did its part, preventing the Bruins from converting two turnovers into points, and scoring a safety that led to a late ASU lead.

The Wildcats' season peaked in their opening game, when they briefly led USC with less than two minutes remaining, before allowing a TD with 25 seconds left to lose 34-30. Since then, they've been decisively defeated by Washington and UCLA, and they blew a 13-0 lead in last Saturday's 24-13 loss to Colorado. Third-year coach Kevin Sumlin, a questionable hire in the first place, is now only 9-19 in his third season in Tucson.

These teams play for the oldest trophy in college football, the Territorial cup, so named because it was first awarded before Arizona became a state. The Czar had always assumed it was a cup that didn't like other cups encroaching on its turf. But if such a thing existed, how would one ever keep the set together?

Arizona State 35, Arizona 15

Nevada at San Jose State

The Wolf Pack won last Saturday against Fresno State 37-26, in spite of have having been pounded for 599 total yards. At 6-1 with a Week 13 loss at Hawaii, they're not exactly peaking at the right time. Nevertheless, they will become kings of the Mountain West if they can stop SJSU this week, and then bump off Boise State in the conference title game.

At 5-0, the Spartans, too, would advance to the MWC championship game in Boise with a win this Friday night. Banned from using their own stadium by COVID hysteria, they played last week's regularly scheduled home game in Hawaii, where they continued to ride the wave of their historic season, 35-24. They were supposed to be at Spartan Stadium for this game, also, but the venue has been moved to Las Vegas. At least it's outdoors in Vegas, instead of in that city's new dome. What would be the point of putting the game in an opulent setting and then moving it indoors? Why, they wouldn't be able to see a single vega from in there.

UNR holds a commanding 19-5 lead in this series, partly because they didn't make the jump to Division I-A until after San Jose's heyday in the old Pacific Coast Athletic Association. Last year, running back Toa Taua kicked Sparty around for 160 yards, but it was the toe of freshman kicker Brandon Talton that made the difference with a last-second 40-yarder. Now a sophomore, Talton has missed only one of 14 field goal attempts in 2020, that being a 51-yard attempt against San Diego State.

Obviously, playing football in an empty stadium in San Jose is less safe than playing football in an empty stadium in Vegas because ... oh, shut up and obey!

Nevada 40, San Jose State 38

Dec. 12

Michigan State at Penn State

PSU easily put away Rutgers 23-7, thanks largely to a pair of impetuous fourth-down attempts by opposing coach Greg Schiano. Twice the Scarlet Knights went for fourth-and-one in their own territory in the first half, twice the Nittany Lion defensive front swarmed them under, and the Lions converted both blunders into 45-yard touchdown drives.

The Spartans are six games into their season, and still they don't have a single player with more than 200 rushing yards. None of their running backs are gaining more than 3.5 per carry, and as a team they are averaging only 2.7.

Because PSU and MSU often end the season against each other, they like to think of it as a rivalry. Hence the Land Grant Trophy, the most multifacetedly awful prize in all of college football. For starters, lots of state universities were founded as a result of federal land grants. They could have simply called it the State Trophy, without much less specificity. Then, there's the abominable object itself. Created in 1993, it looks as if it must be the only trophy in the world of sports to have been assembled with an Allen wrench. Calling it a trophy isn't even accurate. It's really just a cheaply constructed, awkwardly large, multi-level platform with three trophy-like items affixed to it. It's as if a real trophy case had barfed all over it.

Nittany Lion coach James Franklin thinks it's beautiful. He probably thinks the same thing about his team's uniforms, stadium, fans, etc.

Penn State 29, Michigan State 20

Navy at Army

You read that right. This is not Navy vs. Army at Lincoln Financial Field; it's Navy at Army at Michie Stadium in West Point. It's encouraging to know that our military leaders have enough sense to know that if you're not allowed to sell 70,000 tickets, there's no reason to go to Philadelphia.

The 7-2 Black Knights accepted an invitation to the Independence Bowl way back in Week 8. That berth had been reserved for them as long as they were bowl-eligible, but bowl eligibility rules have been waived for this season, so the fact that the Cadets still have only four wins against Division I-A opponents is irrelevant.

The 3-6 Midshipmen have been held in single digits in four of those six losses. After having three straight games postponed, they've slogged through defensive struggles against Memphis and Tulsa, to whom they've lost by scores of 10-7 and 19-6, respectively.

Naval Academy coach Ken Niumatalolo thought the Pentagon brass were out to get his team earlier this season, just because Air Force, which hadn't yet started conference play, was the more well-rested team. What must he think now that this traditional neutral-site game has been transplanted to hostile territory? If he goes any farther off the deep end, his Midshipmen won't be in shape for this game, because they'll have spent all night searching for the missing strawberries.

Army 23, Navy 15

USC at UCLA

The Trojans appeared troubled through two games, but they've since hit their stride with convincing victories against Utah and Washington State. Their 38-13 win over Wazzu last Sunday was not nearly as competitive as the score would suggest, after SC stormed to a 35-0 lead midway through the second quarter. Their problem is that even if they beat the blue bears, and wipe out Washington in the Pac 12 championship, they'll still only be 6-0. When they find themselves ranked behind one-loss teams with ten or eleven games played, they'll have nobody to blame but their own conference.

The 3-2 Bruins aren't far from being undefeated themselves. Their two losses, to Colorado (48-42) and Oregon (38-35) were marred by a combined turnover margin of minus-7. One fewer fumble in each game, and instead of doubting whether a Pac 12 team could make it into the final four, pundits would be debating which of these two teams it would be.

As of this posting, these crosstown foes are still supposed to face off in Pasadena, even though the inaugural L.A. Bowl has already been canceled, supposedly, somehow or other, because of the coronavirus. The L.A. Bowl was scheduled to be played at SoFi Stadium, whereas the Rose Bowl is still on schedule. So why is Pasadena presumed to be safe? There must be some great, impermeable cheesecloth stretched around Los Angeles city limits.

USC 45, UCLA 41

Wisconsin at Iowa

The 2-2 Badgers appear pretty much helpless without departed running back Jonathan Taylor, now of the Indianapolis Colts. This only stands to reason. Being the Madison Reds, they surely adhere to the single-player system.

Since starting 0-2, the Hawkeyes have won five in a row, and are visibly becoming stronger by the week. Even if they beat the Badgers, they still need Illinois to take the Land of Lincoln Trophy from Northwestern in order to advance to the Big Ten championship. The East division will be represented by 5-0 Ohio State, because the Big Ten has decided at the end of the season to discard the qualifications it had laid down before the season. Gosh, just because they said you needed to play at least six games, that doesn't mean it should be held against the Buckeyes that they haven't played at least six games. The way these people arbitrarily and capriciously change the rules without feeling any responsibility to justify their decision, it's as if they're in training to become blue state governors.

By the way, the Czar couldn't help notice in the New York Times story on this reversal that the decision was made by something called the Administrators Council, "which includes athletic directors and senior women administrators." Now, if half of the athletic directors had been women, so what? There'd be no reason to even bring it up. The way the paragraph reads, however, suggests that additional council members were added simply for the reason that they're women. Anyone surprised that the result was the league changing its mind 90 percent of the way through the season? Indiana should sue.

The winner of this rivalry game takes home the Heartland Trophy, which is a brass statue of a big-headed bull. If the Fearless Girl from that Wall Street sculpture were to encounter this bull, she would squib-kick and run away.

Iowa 24, Wisconsin 10

North Carolina at Miami

The Hurricanes were prevailing winds last weekend, when they blew away Duke 48-0. Prior to that, they'd won their last three games by a total of only nine points. Perhaps that's why we don't hear more about The U in spite of its 8-1 record. Well, that, and the fact that their head-to-head loss to Clemson has locked them out of the ACC championship game, and by extension, CFP contention.

The Tar Heels lead the ACC in total offense with 534.5 yards per game, 30.2 more than Clemson. Even in their three-point losses to Florida State at Virginia, they held a significant advantage in total yardage.

Carolina has a hockey team called the Hurricanes, which is known affectionately to its fans, and considerably less so to others, as the Bunch of Jerks. The Hurricanes in this contest have never felt the need to spell that out for people.

Miami 49, North Carolina 44

Stanford at Oregon State

The 2-3 Beavers get a bonus home game because Stanford Stadium has been seized by the secret police of the People's Republic of Santa Clara County. How badly does this inconvenience the Cardinal? Not much. They've won their last two games at California and Washington to go 2-1 on the road, while losing their only home game of the season to Colorado.

Late in OSU's 41-38 upset of rival Oregon in the Civil War, they lost both starting quarterback Tristan Gebbia and game-breaking running back Jermar Jefferson, and still they nearly knocked off Utah on the road. Sophomore QB Chance Nolan rallied them from a 20-point fourth-quarter deficit to within six, but got stopped on downs at the Ute 38-yard-line, resigning his team to a 30-24 defeat.

Stanford leads the all-time series by a count of 58-25-3, and no wonder. How devious of them to having a tree dance around on the sideline as a diversion.

Stanford 20, Oregon State 14

Western Michigan at Ball State

Despite their upset home loss to Eastern Michigan, the Broncos are still in the running for the MAC West division, heading into this game tied with BSU at 4-1. As consistently formidable as WMU has been in recent years, it has only won one MAC championship since divisional play began in 1997. That title, unsurprisingly, came in the Fleck Era, on their way to the Cotton Bowl to cap the 2016 season.

Cardinal quarterback Drew Plitt looks like he's playing Plinko, the way he's dropping dimes all over the field. Last Saturday at Central Michigan, Plitt piled up more than 300 yards for the third time in five games, leading a 45-20 rout with 366 yards and four touchdowns, both season highs.

Waldo Stadium was otherwise so empty during last week's game, the College Football Czar was able to finish "Where's Waldo" with remarkable ease. It helped that he'd spent most of the week practicing on those "What's Missing" puzzles in Highlights magazine.

Won't Goofus ever do anything right? Surely by now he's due!

Ball State 38, Western Michigan 36

Virginia at Virginia Tech

The Gobblers' 15-year winning streak in this series came to an and last season, in a wacky 39-30 UVa victory that was tied with less than two minutes to play. Brian Delaney's 48-yard boot put the Cavaliers in front, and then the defense sealed the decision with a fumble recovery in the end zone.

The 4-4 Cavaliers have recovered from a four-game losing streak by winning three in a row, starting with a 44-41 upset of North Carolina. Last week their defense survived a 520-yard gross-out against Boston College QB Dennis Grosel, partly because they picked him off three times in a 43-32. Part of the reason they gave up all that yardage was that Grosel put the ball in the air 46 times, because the Cavs were clobbering the Eagle ground game for a total of minus-7 yards.

November is over, but Gobbler coach Justin Fuente had better keep hanging onto his head. Even with the dispensation of bowl game requirements this year, Fuente's 4-6 team might find itself sitting out of the postseason for the first time since 1992.

For those youngsters who didn't understand that November turkey reference, in the old days there used to be an observance called Thanksgiving. It consisted of a bunch of fat, greedy American capitalist pigdogs gathering together in large numbers to cram their faces, talk and take naps. Aren't you glad our fearless leaders are saving us from such lives of selfish decadence? Now shut up and eat your borscht.

Virginia 30, Virginia Tech 27

San Diego State at Brigham Young

The home team in Provo has got something to prove after coming one yard short in a 22-17 setback at Coastal Carolina. They deserve a lot of credit for taking on that challenge on short notice, but a win would not have gotten them any closer to the CFP, and now that they've lost a likely New Year's Six bid, it's not at all clear that there's a place for them in the postseason. With bowl eligibility rules repealed for this season, no berths are going to open up from conferences failing to qualify enough teams. In its contract with the Cougars, ESPN has promised them a bowl bid every year they qualify, but among the 15 bowl games that are owned by the network, four have already been canceled. Besides, they technically won't have qualified for one this year.

At first glance, 4-3 SDSU is having a disappointing season, but the three teams to whom they've lost (San Jose State, Nevada and Colorado) have a combined record of 15-1. If they should fall to BYU, they'll undoubtedly be the best .500 team in the nation. Not that they'll walk around bragging about it. Some of them might be happy just to be walking, though. Senior running back Greg Bell had rung up 537 yards and five TDs in four games, but suffered an ankle injury in the Nevada game and got only one carry in last week's win over Colorado State.

It's a little-known fact that the reason the Aztecs went extinct is because there was no NBA around to paint Aztec Lives Matter on the court. That surely would have accomplished something or other.

Brigham Young 35, San Diego State 26

Minnesota at Nebraska

With a win, the Golden Gophers can finish the regular season at .500, but only because their last two games, against Wisconsin and Northwestern, have been canceled. So far, they've beaten two of the three teams below them in the Big Ten West standings, the Cornhuskers being the third.

Since a three-INT game by Luke McCaffrey in a 41-23 loss to Illinois, junior Adrian Martinez has reestablished himself as the starting quarterback of the N-men, and he's responded by completing 41 out of 50 passes in two games. A week ago, he passed for one touchdown and ran for two more in a 37-27 victory at Purdue.

P.J. Fleck's radiant rodents are still down 20 players because of the Big Ten's excessive COVID protocols that require a 21-day isolation. That sounds like a lot, but college football teams typically leave more than that behind for their road games, the Division I-A travel limit being seventy players.

The problem with getting seventy gophers to row a boat is that there's bound to be at least one wise guy who bores a hole in the bottom.

Nebraska 28, Minnesota 25

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern

In each of the past two seasons, the Eagles have handed App State its only defeat of the season. They can't play spoiler this year, however, with the Mountaineers already out of contention for their third straight Sun Belt Conference championship.

The Eers were burned by a missed 30-yard field goal attempt last Friday, in a 24-21 loss to Louisiana-Lafayette. They had trailed by a touchdown, but crept two points closer on a safety when ULL let a punt snap get away from them, and then pulled within three on another safety, which the Cajuns took intentionally rather than risk an even bigger special teams disaster. ASU got great field position on the ensuing free kick, and swiftly drove down to the 13-yard-line, before senior kicker Chandler Stanton missed for the sixth time of 17 attempts this season.

One might expect a school called App State to be located in Silicon Valley, not tucked away in the hills of Boone, North Carolina. You don't have to be a Left-Coaster to be technologically advanced, though. Take the College Football Czar, for instance. If he weren't so tech-savvy, you wouldn't be reading him on this here Worldwide Superhighway!

Appalachian State 24, Georgia Southern 17

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone