The College Football Czar

Week 14

Week thirteen in review: Several national contenders survived surprising challenges, but unfortunately, the College Football Czar did not expect those games to be competitive enough to bother picking, so he missed out on harvesting all of those low-hanging Ws. The wildest of many wild finishes was in the Iron Bowl, where Alabama scored a game-winning 31-yard touchdown on the last play of the game. If you happen to be anyone other than a Crimson Tide fan, you must have been disgusted by this play, because it was an exercise in loserdom by a cowardly Auburn coaching staff.

The Czar has gone on at length before about defenses only rushing three with the game on the line. Well, the Tigers got away with it, so on the next and final play, they rushed only two, which might as well have been zero. The Bama offensive line easily kept the two end rushers at bay, giving QB Jalen Milroe all the territory between the hashmarks, and all the time he needed to survey the field, plant his feet and throw a strike to the corner of the end zone. No matter how good your coverage is, if you give the opposing passer a nearly infinite opportunity like that, he will find a receiver eventually. Rather than trying to take the victory, AU waited for DoorDash to deliver it to them. That kind of passivity in the face of one of the nation's best teams is almost the same as simply choosing defeat.

The NCAA has predictably found a way to weasel out of its position on James Madison's bowl status. Just two weeks ago, it determined that it could not give the Dukes a waiver from the rule that considers "transitional" Division I-A teams to be ineligible for the postseason, but after realizing that there are not enough bowl-eligible teams to go around to all the games, The Powers That Be Stupid decided that both JMU and Jacksonville State could become eligible as ineligible teams, just as if they were receiving academic waivers after going 5-7. How did they decide that this unprecedented decision was within the rules. They are the rules, dammit!

After going undefeated in Friday's games, the College Football Czar actually had a losing record on Saturday, in what a bad, cliche-barfing announcer might call "a tale of two days." Including the Thanksgiving game, the Czar went 12-8, for a season record of 162-88, and a .648 winning percentage.

Dec. 2

Conference USA Championship -- Lynchburg -- 7:00 (CBSSN)

New Mexico State (10-3) at Liberty (12-0)

In coach Jamey Chadwell's first season at LU, he has led his team to an undefeated regular season, the first in program history. He did the same thing at Coastal Carolina in 2020, only to come up short in a tremendous 37-34 clash in the Cure Bowl, against Liberty. He's looking to bag a bigger bowl bid this season, although the AAC champion is pretty much a lock for the group-of-five New Year's Six berth.

Chadwell's multifaceted shotgun-based triple-option has produced some big games for sophomore QB Kaidon Salter, but last week against UTEP he threw for 22 yards, by far a season low. This was simply because he was repeatedly opting to hand the ball off against the Miner defense, which was obviously a good move, as the Flames' total of 441 rushing yards will attest. Expect a more balanced attack against NMSU, which has not been nearly as susceptible to the run as its rival from El Paso has. In fact, these same teams met on this same field back in Week 2, when Salter threw for 276 yards, and the Flame ground game gained 250 more, to blow open a close game for a final of 33-17.

The Agathas didn't start out the season very strong, also losing to Umass and Hawaii in their first five games. They have since won eight in a row, including that 31-10 shocker at Auburn, which was sandwiched between quality conference victories over Western Kentucky and Jacksonville State.

A year ago, Aggie quarterback Diego Pavia earned a reputation as a gritty dual-threat guy who didn't have much in the way of passing prowess. In 2023, he has not only been more accurate, but has been able to stretch the field for 2,727 yards on 199 completions. He has done this without giving up the ground game, as he leads his team with 806 rushing yards.

In case you're wondering about NMSU's regular season record, the NCAA allows any team that travels to Hawaii to schedule a thirteenth game, although not everybody takes advantage of that. The strange thing is that the rule does not specify where that additional game must be played. It ought to be the case that if you get to go to Honolulu, you must also go to Philadelphia, just to even things out.

The faculty at the member schools have just got to hate the name Conference USA, and not because of the word "conference." They love those!

Liberty 31, New Mexico State 22

Pac 12 Championship -- Las Vegas -- 8:00 (ABC)

Oregon (11-1) vs. Washington (12-0)

Last season in Eugene, UO coach Dan Lanning lost to the Huskies 37-34, because of a ridiculous fourth-down call he made in his own territory, to give up a short field late in the game. There is no evidence that he has yet learned his lesson, having also blown this year's game in Seattle 36-33, after going 0-for-3 on needless fourth-down conversion attempts.

Lost in the outrage of Lanning's lardheaded play calling is the fact that kicker Camden Lewis missed a 43-yarder at the end of the game that would have forced overtime. Lewis also missed a 34-yard attempt last week against Oregon State, and is only 5-for-10 on kicks between 30 and 49 yards this season.

The Husky offensive line that was so dominant last season had also been excellent for much of this year, despite having to replace three starters. In their past two games against Oregon State and Washington State, however, they have not been able to provide QB Michael Penixjr with the kind of time he'd become accustomed to at UW, resulting in his two lowest passing totals since transferring from Indiana, in terms of completions, completion percentage and yardage. Therefore, the College Football Czar expects to see a more aggressive Fighting Duck defensive front than the one that took the field back in Week 7.

Duck quarterback Bo Nix could use a couple additional letters by tacking a jr onto his name. Football fans know he's not a junior, because his father Patrick is a former head coach from Auburn, but so what? All he has to do is say, "My name is Bo, and my pronoun is jr." What's that you say? Jr is not a pronoun? Word Nazi.

Oregon 30, Washington 27

Dec. 2

Big XII Championship -- Arlington -- Noon (ABC)

Oklahoma State (9-3) vs. Texas (11-1)

As much as the Longhorns might think they wanted another shot at Oklahoma, they probably got a big break when the Cowboys survived an overtime scare against Brigham Young to beat out the Sooners for second place in the conference. Aside from barely beating a below-par BYU team, 40-34 in double-OT, Mike Gundy's club has been blown out by unimposing opponents South Alabama and Central Florida.

UT wide receiver Xavier Worthy showed that he has retained his value, even if he is no longer in mint condition, with four catches for 49 yards and a touchdown in a 57-7 slobberknocking of Texas Tech. Worthy, who had been helped off the field in the previous game against Iowa State, has nevertheless caught three or more passes in every game this season.

Ollie Gordonii of OSU has retaken the lead among all rushers in Division I-A football, 91 yards ahead of Cody Shrader of Missouri. The pointy cows will try to burst his O, as they boast the best run defense in the Big XII, allowing only 2.9 yards per carry and 85.0 per game.

This game is being played at Jerry Jones' House of Inadequacy, which, when it first opened, was famous for having the gigantickest video screen in the world, which is kind of silly when the game is going on live right in front of you.

It's not really true that everything is bigger in Texas. It's just that it all looks so big next to Jerry. Get it? He's a little person, which is not the same as being a midget, but people pretend it is because we're not supposed to say midget, especially to a midget.

Oops.

Texas 45, Oklahoma State 33

MAC Championship -- Detroit -- Noon (ESPN)

Miami OH (10-2) vs. Toledo (11-1)

The Rockets must be wondering how in the world they managed to lose their opener to Illinois. Had they not been beaten that day on a last-second field goal, there's a chance they'd be playing for a chance to go to a New Year's Six game. As it is, they have yet to play in any game more prestigious than the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl.

For the second year in a row, a season-ending injury to Brett Gabbert has turned the RedHawk offense over to Aveon Smith, whose accuracy has improved this season, albeit at the expense of his running game. It was against this same UT team in Week 8 that Gabbert got hurt, with his team trailing 21-17 in the third quarter. That turned out to be the final score, as Smith was unable to complete the comeback from an 18-point deficit, fumbling at midfield on the Hawks' last possession.

One might think that this matchup, between perennial MAC powerhouses located in Western Ohio, would be a great rivalry. Unfortunately, they are in separate divisions (and each in the wrong one) in a league that plays an eight-game conference schedule. As a result, this year was the first time they had met since 2011. When they do happen to collide, the series is as competitive as one would expect, with Toledo leading 22-20-1.

If they want to pump up the TV ratings for this game, they can just tell all the fratboys that Aveon Smith is coming on. They'll think that's the name of a naughty cartoon.

Toledo 20, Miami OH 14

Mountain West Championship -- Las Vegas -- 3:00 (FOX)

Boise State (7-5) at UNLV (9-3)

This year's MWC race is another reason why getting rid of divisions is a bad idea. Because these two teams and San Jose State did not all play each other, the tie-breaker that decided which two of them advanced to the conference championship was a combination of four computer ratings. As a result, SJSU, which just pulled off a big win in Vegas a week ago, was nonetheless eliminated. Had there still been divisions, the Spartans would have won the West by virtue of beating UNLV, and BSU would be hosting this game, because it has beaten San Jose State.

Why does the College Football Czar suspect the Mountain West Conference contrived its tie-breaker for the purpose of putting yet another championship game in a dome? Probably because most of the people in charge of football these days don't like football.

As you can see, the Pac 12 will have played in Allegiant Stadium less than a day earlier, which means the grounds crew will have to change carpets quickly between games. Therefore the Czar expects the crinkles to be more numerous and more pronounced than usual.

The Broncos are 2-0 under interim coach Spencer Danielson, including a 27-19 victory against an Air Force team that had led the MWC for most of the season. In Danielson's first game, a 45-10 trouncing of Utah State, fifth-year senior RB George Holani found plenty of holes, as he matched his career high with 178 yards.

Andy Avalos was 22-13 when he was fired. His Broncs played a very tough schedule as always this year, and four of their five losses were by seven points or fewer, the only blowout being to CFP contender Washington. It's one thing for Texas A&M to fire a coach who's doing as well as that, but a group-of-five school can't just hire away whomever it wants.

If the Broncos lose their shirts in Las Vegas, the Czar hopes they bet double or nothing with those awful helmets.

Boise State 35, UNLV 30

SEC Championship -- Atlanta -- 4:00 (CBS)

Alabama (11-1) vs. Georgia (12-0)

The way the Crimson Tide defense got ground up by Auburn in last week's 27-24 escape, they could have trouble getting the ball away from this UGA team, which averages 5.3 yards per carry. Last week at Georgia Tech, big Bulldog back Kendall Milton rushed for 156 yards and two TDs on 18 carries.

That near-upset in the Iron Bowl was not Bama's first tight scrape against an opponent it should have handled easily. In eleven games against Division I-A competition, Nick Saban's team has only led at halftime on four occasions, and one of those was against Arkansas, which outscored them 15-3 in the second half of a 24-21 tussle in Week 7.

Even though the expansion-mongers are already getting their way, they are rooting for an excuse to whine that a fifth team is not allowed into this year's CFP. They would love to see Bama win, which would surely send both SEC teams into the field of four, even though Texas toasted the Tide head-to-head. There's really no discussion to be had, because the Crimson Tide would then have put away Georgia in addition to Ole Miss and LSU, whereas the second-best win for the Longhorns would probably have been Kansas State. Of course, if the pachyderms can't pull this off, that is immaterial and an elephant.

The College Football Czar would like to take credit for that bad pun, but in the interest of full disclosure, he was "sampling" Bullwinkle. That makes him way cooler than Eminem, who sampled Billy Squier. Then again, even Billy Squier is way cooler than Eminem. Maybe not Dennis DeYoung, but definitely Billy Squier.

Georgia 42, Alabama 26

American Athletic Conference Championship -- New Orleans -- 4:00 (ABC)

SMU (10-2) at Tulane (11-1)

An injury to QB Preston Stone could add a dose of sobriety to Methodist Madness, with the Mustangs unlikely to maintain their league-leading 41.8 point per game average. Stone suffered a broken leg while staking his team to a 49-14 second-quarter lead against Navy. Suffice it to say, it's a good thing he isn't a real horse.

It's unfortunate that such a damper has been put on what might have been the best game of championship week. The rest of the teams in this league probably aren't too displeased, though, because they'd rather not see Smoo take the title before bolting for the greener pastures of the ACC.

The Green Wave have already wiped out one team that was tied with them at the top of the AAC standings. In last week's 29-16 stifling of Texas-San Antonio, they forced five turnovers, in addition to two stoppages on fourth down.

Those Methodists still need a lot of work at getting mad. Catholicly speaking, they're amateurs.

Tulane 27, SMU 10

Sun Belt Championship -- Troy, AL -- 4:00 (ESPN)

Appalachian State (8-4) at Troy (10-2)

The postseason permission the NCAA has given to James Madison does not apply to this conference title game. Fans through most of the country shouldn't feel cheated, with the App State team that defeated JMU taking on the Trojans in one of the better championship week matchups.

TSU lost to that same James Madison squad back in September, one week after falling to Kansas State. Since then, they have taken nine in a row, including consecutive wins over Army, Texas State and South Alabama. If not for a late miss on a long field goal attempt in that defeat against the Dukes, they would have been undefeated in conference play.

Both teams have prolific passing games, with Gunnar Watson of Troy and Joey Aguilar of ASU each well in excess of 3,000 yards. The big difference may be that tailback Kimani Vidal has shown some onions (more sampling!) in the Trojan backfield, rushing for 1,349 yards and nine touchdowns.

It might seem strange that these two have never met before in a Sun Belt Conference title game, but that's mostly because they were in the same division until last year, when league expansion bumped the Trojans from the East division to the West.

Troy University is spelled differently from Counselor Troi, but it should see if she's interested in becoming the team mascot anyway. After all, what has she got better to do these days? And why let all that go to waste?

Troy 45, Appalachian State 38

Big Ten Championship -- Indianapolis -- 8:00 (FOX)

Iowa (10-2) vs. Michigan (12-0)

This is the last year that the Big Ten uses divisions to determine its championship game participants, which must sound like a good thing, with the East division champion having a record of 9-0 under the current format. From now on, there will be a strong possibility of a Michigan-Ohio State championship, which is just what everybody wants, right? Except that the maize and blue and the lumpy nuts will have just played their traditional regular season finale, and both teams would be shoo-ins for the expanded playoff. Everybody wants to see one Wolverine-Buckeye game, but nobody will want to see a third one inside of a month. With conference championship games and an expanded playoff, those regular season-ending rivalry games are about to be turned into the equivalent of NFL Week 17, when many teams rest starters and run vanilla game plans for fear of injury, or of giving away too many secrets.

Michigan interim coach Sherrone Moore may have gone to pieces after the Penn State game, but he sure did pick up his team with head coach Jim Harbaugh absent from the sideline, with a record of 3-0 against very good opposition. It would be a big surprise if Moore is not hired away to be some other team's head coach between now and next season, because his weirditude has now got to be considered an asset. If you're an odd character and you're successful, you're a character. If not, you're just odd.

The average conference game for the Hawkeyes is a victory, by the score of 14.6 to 12.1. What is it about a team that scores two-point wins against the likes of Minnesota and Illinois that causes the College Football Czar to doubt its potential to derail the Wolverines' national championship run?

You might be thinking that a team can't score a tenth of a point in a football game, but are you sure? Considering the record speed with which stupid new rules are being adopted throughout the entire world of sports, this might have changed since the last time you watched a game, six days ago.

Michigan 21, Iowa 3

ACC Championship -- Charlotte -- 8:00 (ABC)

Louisville (10-2) vs. Florida State (12-0)

The Seminoles survived last week's rivalry game against Florida with its national championship hopes intact, but only so much of that was their own doing. It sure helped that the Gators all but gave the game away with a series of needless and totally stupid fifteen-yard penalties. FSU, behind second-string QB Tate Rodemaker, trudged through The Swamp for a 24-15 victory, even though they only gained a total of 224 yards.

Any CFP delusions the Cardinals may have had faded into the Governor's Cup, which they had to hand over to cross-state rival Kentucky at the end of a 38-31 defeat. The U of L held a decisive advantage in total yardage, but they went minus-2 in turnovers, and committed the only three penalties of the game.

If the Cards win this game, then a lardhead could figure that Bluefield State is a better team than the ACC champions, based on the mythical transitive property of football. That's because Louisville lost to Pitt, which lost to Syracuse, which lost to Boston College, which lost to Northern Illinois, which lost to Southern Illinois, which lost to Youngstown State, which lost to Northern Iowa, which lost to Missouri State, which lost to Tennessee-Martin, which lost to Gardner-Webb, which lost to Tennessee State, which lost to Charleston Southern, which lost to Robert Morris, which lost to Howard, which lost to South Carolina State, which lost to Towson, which lost to Norfolk State, which lost to Virginia State, which lost to Elizabeth City State, which lost to Shaw, which lost to Livingstone, which lost to Bluefield State. Ergo, tiny Bluefield State, a Division II school located at the southernmost point in West Virginia, doormat of the Central Intercollegiate Athletic Association with a record of 1-9, deserves to play in the Orange Bowl.

Better yet, let them in the playoff! Head-to-head is what counts, right?

Louisville 23, Florida State 13

Dec. 9

Army vs. Navy

The winner of this game levels its record at 6-6, which should only matter for bowl eligibility to the Midshipmen, because the Cadets have beaten up on two Division I-AA opponents (Delaware State and Holy Cross) as usual. Their apparent ineligibility is just an NCAA rule, though, and what does that mean anymore? After all, rules are made to be broken. Wait a minute, it's records that are made to be broken, not rules. In any case, it's one of those R-things, so why split hairs.

Everybody likes to see one of our military academies play in a bowl, but the goat-to guys should not go to one. At 5-6, their best win of the season has been a 27-24 squeaker against a North Texas team that has finished 5-7. The biggest reason they're not bowl-eligible already is that they lost to Temple, 32-18 in Week 10.

Even if we believe the Black Knights cannot qualify for a bowl game, they are playing for the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy, having put a surprising 23-3 bruising on then-unbeaten Air Force in Week 10. If the Middies prevail, then the AFA, having won last year, will successfully defend its title in a rock-paper-scissors three-way stalemate.

Whoever got the idea that paper covers rock anyway? It's not as if this is something that normally happens in the real world. You don't just see rocks lying on the ground with paper wrapped around them. The game must have been invented by somebody who gives people rocks for Christmas. Paul Finebaum, probably.

Army 24, Navy 17

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone