The College Football Czar

Week 14

Week thirteen in review: Need any more proof that the expanded playoff format is a bad idea? Alabama and Ole Miss are still in the running, even after each team played terribly in suffering its third loss last Saturday. Remember that the original purpose of the CFP was to make sure the best team in the nation is crowned champion. Does anybody think the Crimson Tide or the Rebels might be the best team in the nation? Then why are they even being discussed at this point? Ditto that for 9-2 Tennessee, and even for one-loss teams with flimsy schedules, like Penn State, Note Dame and Indiana. If last year's format were still in use, we would be looking at a likely final four of Oregon, Texas, Ohio State and the winner of the ACC championship game. Once those four teams had fought it out, there would be no argument about there being a "mythical" national championship.

One day after longtime head coach Mack Brown declared his intention to return for yet another season, the University of North Carolina said not so fast, and announced his dismissal. The two-time UNC skipper, who also had stints at Tulane and Texas, won a national championship with the Longhorns in 2009. The 73-year-old openly suggested that he might resign earlier this year, after a 70-50 meltdown against James Madison, but later said he didn't mean it. Brown will be seeking career victory #289 this week against Nc State, with 154 losses and one tie. It may be unfortunate that he isn't ending his career on his own terms, but anybody can see that it's time for the Tar Heels to move on.

Now that the absurd possibility of Colorado participating in the CFP is no more, Coach Prime says he expects his son Shedeur and Heisman hopeful Travis Hunter to play in the team's bowl game. The Czar can hardly wait to hear the pundits explain why those two players remain obligated to their team, whereas anybody else in their position can't be bothered with such a "meaningless" game. Don't these guys have to "prepare for the draft" too?

The College Football Czar correctly predicted Florida's upset of Ole Miss, coming a field goal away from nailing the final score. He lost both of his late night games, however, which dropped his record for the week to 10-7. For the season, he is 144-97, for a .598 winning percentage.

As always, the Czar is posting the Thanksgiving week picks two days early, to make sure they're available to any of his readers who might not have time for them over the busy travel weekend, so he asks once again that you please excuse the relative unliteratality of this installment, given the smallhood of the amount of longness for editude. The differentood should be barely noticelike, though. You see, the Czar majored in word-usin.

Nov. 28

Memphis at Tulane

Win or lose, the waterboys will advance to the American Atlhetic Conference championship game for the third year in a row, this time against Army. Last season, they lost the title game to SMU 26-14, but the year before that, they defeated Central Florida 45-28.

Tiger tailback Mario Andersonjr has had his four biggest yardage totals over the past five games. Six games ago, he rushed for a season low 18 yards, because he was ejected from the game for spitting on a South Florida defender. Head coach Ryan Silverfield seemed sincere in condemning his actions after the game, so hopefully he has impressed upon his player the importance of keeping his saliva to himself.

The Green Wave washed away Navy 35-0, shutting down the Midshipmen for only 113 total yards and eight first downs. One might even say, "another fighting Navy team was swept over the precipice," if one wanted to be a total booger about it. At 9-2 with nonconference losses to Kansas State and Oklahoma, TU appears to be next in line for the group-of-five CFP bid, if Boise State should slip up.

If you're ever in NOLA and you want someone to stop bothering you, just say "So?" It turns out they have nothing to follow that.

Tulane 38, Memphis 34

Nov. 29

Minnesota at Wisconsin

The winner of this game takes home the Paul Bunyan Axe, but the College Football Czar doesn't see the point to it. There's got to be a better way to get rid of a bunion.

A week after UW dismissed its offensive coordinator, its defense disintegrated in a 44-25 loss to Nebraska. It was the greatest number of points the Badgers had given up to any team other than Ohio State since the 2011 Rose Bowl against Oregon.

Another one got away from the Golden Gophers, who lost by a touchdown or less for the fourth time this season, in a tough 26-25 defeat against Penn State. Facing a fourth and goal from the 8-yard-line with 5:48 to play, P.J. Fleck elected to kick a field goal to pull within one. A sound move, but it depended on his defense getting the ball back, instead of giving up a methodical 72-yard march to kill the clock.

Remember the old Reese's commercial where the dork walking down the street eating a chocolate bar crashes into an even bigger dork who's wandering through town with an open jar of peanut butter? If someone from Minnesota and someone from Wisconsin collided like that while they were both speaking, would their pronunciation of their Os get squooshed together, and turn out normal? Part of the burden of being a College Football Czar is having to think about these things.

Minnesota 31, Wisconsin 24

Georgia Tech at Georgia

GT is known as a giant-killer, but their big season-opening Emerald Isle Classic victory over Florida State turned out to be about as tough as killing a giant spotted lantern fly. The Yellowjackets would eventually make good on their reputation with a 28-23 triumph over Miami, the only loss for a Hurricane team that is currently ranked #4. If they can duplicate that feat in this traditional interconference rivalry game, it would endanger the Dogs' playoff chances, although it's almost inevitable that a three-loss SEC team will get in.

With starting tailback Trevor Etienne out, freshman Nate Frazier now leads the Bulldogs in rushing, with 537 yards. He gained 136 of those last week in a 59-21 win over lowly Umass, which was actually competitive for the entire first half. Frazier tallied three touchdowns in that game, giving him a season total of seven.

These bitter Peach State rivals refer to this game as Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate. It sure beats the newfangled, dirty, taunting, spitting hate that we see on the field today. Still, why must they hate? Are they enemyphobic, or something?

Georgia 23, Georgia Tech 14

Nebraska at Iowa

Score one for Medusa, who turned around the Cornhuskers' snakebitten status in their series with Wisconsin. Head coach Matt Rhule had hired on Dana Holgorsen as offensive coordinator late in the season, in hopes that he could help out struggling young QB Dylan Raiola. The freshman flung the ball for 293 yards in a 44-25 victory, as the N-men beat the Badgers for the first time in eleven tries.

The Hawkeye defense isn't what it used to be, but it has been good enough to hold 5 of their past six opponents to 20 points or fewer, the lone exception being an unexpected 32-20 stumble at Michigan State. In this same game a year ago, they won a bruising 13-10 battle on a last-second field goal.

These teams play in something called the Heroes Game, but any fans who show up expecting there to be giant sandwiches is in for a disappointment. That is, unless Shaggy and Scooby are among them, because they find sandwiches everywhere. They could stumble upon a long lost Egyptian tomb under Kinnick Stadium, and in it will be a secret compartment filled with miraculously still-edible sandwiches. Good thing there isn't any mayonnaise.

Iowa 21, Nebraska 17

Navy at East Carolina

No landlubbers allowed at this aquatic clash between the Midshipmen and the Pirates, with the winner finishing in at least a tie for third place in the American Athletic Conference. ECU was 3-4 when it fired head coach Mike Houston, but since defensive coordinator Blake Harrell took over as interim coach, they have won four in a row. After last week's 40-28 comeback victory at North Texas, in which the Mean Green had jumped out to a 21-0 lead, the interim tag was removed from Harrell, who is hired on for keeps.

Quarterback Blake Horvath was knocked out of the Naval Academy's 35-0 loss to Tulane with an injury to his rib cage. Sophomore Braxton Woodson completed only 3 of 10 with an interception, while rushing for only 24 yards on 13 carries. Horvath's injury was just the latest in a series for the starting scrambler, so the College Football Czar would be surprised if coach Brian Newberry didn't hold him out of this game, so that he might be healthy to play Army.

It used to be that lubbing could get a guy kicked out of a military academy.

East Carolina 28, Navy 27

Miami Ohio at Bowling Green

If you've been trying to watch the midweek MAC games throughout the month, this promises to be far better than any of those mismatches, with the winner advancing to the conference championship game at Ford Field. Even the loser will still stand a chance of getting there, except that it would need an unlikely upset by Ball State over Ohio.

The RedHawks currently have the tie-breaker advantage by virtue of a head-to-head victory over Ohio. Having lost its conference opener at Toledo, MU has gone on to win six straight. League-leading running back Keyon Mozee has casually strolled for 937 yards on the season, for an average of 6.6 per carry.

Since losing to Northern Illinois in Week 7, the Falcons have won five in a row, fairly handily. In last week's 38-13 win over Ball State, Rakheem Smith caught two touchdown passes, but it was only after his rushing TD on an end-around that the BGSU wide receiver reacted as if he had B-U-G-S up his bottom.

Bowling Green 35, Miami Ohio 31

Nov. 30

Pitt at Boston College

Those of us who have watched the Panthers all season never believed a bit of the playoff speculation when they were 7-0, and now everyone else can see why. Each of the three quarterbacks who played last week at Louisville was intercepted, and the team was stopped on downs twice at midfield in the first half. The 37-9 loss was their fourth in a row and their worst of the season, dropping them below .500 in conference play.

BC became bowl-eligible by burying North Carolina, in a game that wasn't nearly as close as the 41-21 final score. Until just over two minutes remained in the game, the Eagles had only allowed one touchdown, and that was on a kickoff return.

Pitt coach Pat Narduzzi complains that starting QB Eli Holstein was injured on a "hip-drop tackle," which was banned in the NFL this year, and now he wants the NCAA to follow the big league's lead. But if the college game adheres to the rules of the pros, what's the next tackle to be prohibited. Gravity-aided tackles? Falling down on the other guy tackles? Tackles that hurt? Just how does one tackle without dropping one's hips, anyway?

Perhaps we can all agree to compromise, and ban hip-hop instead.

Boston College 33, Pitt 19

Maryland at Penn State

In one of the worst series in the nation, the Nittany Lions lead 43-3-1, but surprisingly, the only two Terrapin victories over the last 60 years have been at Beaver Stadium, in 2014 and 2020.

PSU coach James Franklin persisted in making the kind of call that has typically backfired on him in the past, but it worked to preserve a 26-25 victory at Minnesota, as his team ran a successful fake punt with a late one-point lead.

Was this trip really necessary? Former Nc State quarterback M.J. Morris saw by far his most significant action of the season in the Terrapins' 29-13 loss to Iowa, completing 12 of 23 for 103 yards, with two TDs and two picks. You remember Morris. He's the one who was starting for NCSU last year, when he abruptly shut himself down after four games so that he could preserve a year's eligibility after he transferred. Now, in Week 14, he might finally get his first start with the Terps. Hope it was worth it, Em.

That's like Morris the Cat putting one of his 9 Lives to sleep in order to gain a tenth life, and then going through most of that tenth life not even doing that thing that cats do so much of. You get the idea.

Penn State 28, Maryland 10

West Virginia at Texas Tech

The more WVU fans begged for a Brown-out, the longer the sixth-year coach kept his team's postseason hopes flickering, until last week's 31-21 win over Central Florida made the Mountaineers bowl-eligible at 6-5. They and TT are now among nine teams within a game of each other at the top of the Big XII standings.

The Red Raiders took an early 14-0 lead at Oklahoma State, and then traded touchdowns the rest of the way through a 56-48 firefight. At 7-4 overall, Tech is yet another Big XII team that looks like a contender occasionally, with upsets of both Arizona State and Iowa State.

Texas Tech resides in a town called Lubbock, but that may soon change. The lubbers' student group says it's exploitative.

Texas Tech 42, West Virginia 34

Auburn at Alabama

To the surprise of just about everyone, Auburn is the team that has more to play for here, as it tries to claw its way into the postseason. Meanwhile, as far as the pachyderms are concerned, this game might mean the difference between playing in the Citrus Bowl or the Gator Bowl.

Bama landed with a thud last week in Norman, where they gained only 234 yards in a 24-3 beating by the Sooners. Crimson Tide quarterback Jalen Milroe threw for 164 yards, but gave 83 of them back in interception returns.

The Tigers took down Texas A&M, 43-41 in four overtimes, on the strength of a 301-yard passing game by QB Payton Thorne. The senior slinger was briefly benched after a four-INT game against California in Week 2, but now has only eight picks on the season compared to 20 touchdowns, with a 63.4 percent completion rate.

The Iron Bowl Trophy is so heavy and so fragile that it can't be awarded on the field after the game. Instead, it is presented at halftime of a basketball game between these same two teams. You'd think that one of these years, somebody would think to produce a more portable trophy that the winning players could pass around. Like, oh, an iron bowl, or something. College boys.

Auburn 17, Alabama 10

Michigan at Ohio State

Last week, we got a preview of what the 12-team playoff will look like, as legitimate contender OSU burst the bubble of an inflated Indiana team, 38-15. With the exception of their 32-31 Week 7 loss at Oregon, the Buckeyes have held every one of their opponents to 17 points or fewer.

In a really dumb sequence at the end of that game, running back TreVeyon Henderson broke a 39 yard run, then hit the dirt at the one-yard-line so that his team could kill the clock. The College Football Czar hates to find fault in an unselfish play, but there was no tactical reason not to score. IU was not going to mount a comeback at this point, so Henderson should have gone ahead into the end zone. Nevertheless, as long as he set up the lumpy nuts for victory formation, Coach Brutus should have gone along and killed the clock. Whether or not they get into the playoff depends entirely on wins and losses, not on their margin of victory against the Hoosiers. Finishing the drive on back-to-back carries by QB Will Howard was reckless and stupid.

Even after slobberknocking Northwestern 50-6, the Wolverines haven't found a starting quarterback. Davis Warren scraped up only 195 yards on 26 completions, with one TD and one interception. Among this year's three starting QBs in Ann Arbor, Jack Tuttle is the only one with more than ten yards per completion, and he retired from football earlier this season due to a stubborn arm injury.

If you asked Coach Brutus, "Et tu?" his response would probably be, "Oh, I et more than that."

Ohio State 30, Michigan 7

South Carolina at Clemson

The participants in this battle for the Palmetto State practiced by stepping on cockroaches, as each of them beat up on a Division I-AA opponent a week ago. The College Football Czar doesn't like those phony games in any case, but he especially doesn't see any value in playing them in November.

The Tigers can still claw their way into the ACC championship game, but they need help from an unlikely source, either Syracuse against Miami or California against SMU. If they beat the Gamecocks, though, they could climb over the conference runners-up for a potential playoff position.

The Cocks of the walk have hit their stride in the second half of the season. After a 3-3 start, they have won five straight, including conference victories against Oklahoma, Texas A&M, Vanderbilt and Missouri.

In this month's election, Son of Clem coach Dabo Swinney had to cast a provisional ballot, because the son of the Son of Clem coach had voted earlier in the day, and as a result it was thought that Swinney himself had already cast his vote. It was his own fault for registering under his given name, William, instead of Dabo. Still, how did the election board ever manage to confuse William Swinney with William Swinneyjr? Can't those people read jerseys?

South Carolina 25, Clemson 22

Washington at Oregon

The Fighting Ducks failed to reach the CFP a year ago because of a pair of three-point losses to this Husky team. Well, not this Husky team, but one with an outstanding wide receiver, a prolific quarterback, a veteran coach and the best offensive line in the nation. But these guys dress the same, which is the important thing, as far as revenge games are concerned.

When the Huskies have taken their sled on the road, they've gone to mush. Away from Seattle, they are 0-4, losing at Rutgers, Iowa, Indiana and Penn State. Of course, that's tough competition, but then again, so is this.

UO is coming off an idle week, which was good news for some of their injured offensive players. Leading receiver Tez Johnson expects to return to the lineup, and tight end Terrance Ferguson should get more than the three receptions he had in that ugly 16-13 win at Wisconsin.

Can you believe the most famous dog sled race is called the Iditarod? Please! It's the "Mentally Challenged," do you mind?

Oregon 31, Washington 18

Notre Dame at USC

The Fighting Irish are very fortunate that there's no BCS anymore, because their opening win at Texas A&M is not so valuable at this point, their loss to Northern Illinois gets worse by the week, and beating Army and Navy would not be enough to make up the difference.

Southern Cal's 19-13 win over rival UCLA was marred by rampant unsportsmanlike conduct, which threatened to boil over at the end of the first half. Because of three flags against the Bruins, they had to kick off from their own five-yard-line to start the second half. The Trojans failed to take advantage of the short field, going three and out, and causing the rest of the game to be more difficult than necessary.

Jeremiyah Love was lubbing lipe last week against Army, scoring three touchdowns and rushing for 130 yards at Yankee Stadium. For the season, the sophomore South Bender has gained 850 yards, at a rate of 7.0 per carry.

Jayden Maiava has only been the starting Trojan quarterback for two games, but he's the most dangerous passer the golden domers have had to defend since they took on Tyler Shough and Louisville way back in Week 5. Since then, Marcus Freeman's team has trounced the trudging offenses of Stanford, Georgia Tech, Navy, Florida State and Virginia, in addition to the West Pointers.

You know the West Pointers are formidable students of tactics because the first trick in the book is to point to the West and say, "they went that-a-way." Well, it worked for Larry Storch.

Notre Dame 27, USC 20

Kansas State at Iowa State

This midwestern rivalry is known as Farmageddon, but don't worry, because it will be resolved within about three and a half hours. Surely, Donald Trump must be to thank for that. Hooray, Trump! We knew we could count on you!

D.J. Giddens led the Gatos with 143 rushing yards and two TDs in a 41-15 flogging of a fading Cincinnati team. The junior juker is ninth in the nation with 1,291 yards on the ground, and he has added 258 on 21 receptions.

A year ago, Cyclone RB Abu Samaiii stomped through the snow for 276 yards and three touchdowns in a fun 42-35 win in Manhattan. Sama has surprisingly only scored two TDs this season, partly because he has been splitting carries with Carson Hansen, who doesn't even belong there. Aren't all of those two-last-name guys supposed to be quarterbacks?

Kansas State 20, Iowa State 16

Tennessee at Vanderbilt

A two-loss Tennessee team should not be in contention for the playoff. The Volunteers' big nonconference conquest was Nc State. They also beat up on Kent State and Division I-AA Chattanooga, and last week they stepped all over UTEP, 56-0. In the SEC, they have a bad loss to Arkansas, and they haven't had to face Texas, Texas A&M, South Carolina, Ole Miss or LSU.

The Commodores (6-5, 3-5) need one more victory to guarantee their first winning season since 2013. That might be the best that can be expected from a team that has imported its entire offense from New Mexico State. Former NMSU quarterback Diego Pavia is Vandy's leading rusher, as well as a 2,000-yard passer, and the receiving corps is led by his ex-Aggie teammate Eli Stowers.

Why, the Vols completely forgot to beat up on New Mexico State while they were at it. Is it too late to pencil them in?

Tennessee 29, Vanderbilt 19

Miami at Syracuse

As the Hurricanes piled on the points in the fourth quarter of a 42-14 win over Wake Forest, freshman running back Jordan Lyle was flagged for taunting after scoring a touchdown. It was completely unsportsmanlike, undisciplined, selfish and stupid, but both of the ACC Network announcers praised him for it, cuz "swag."

The Orange held off old hardwood rival Uconn 31-24, to improve to 8-3. Former Ohio State QB Kyle McCord let it rip for 470 yards and two scores, while completing 27 of 37. Although they outgained the Huskies by almost 200 yards, the game remained close because kicker Jackson Kennedy missed for only the first and second times all season.

You've probably heard the word "swag" being used to refer to those goody bags that are provided to players at bowl games and award ceremonies. Now it turns out that "swag" is whatever makes someone behave like a posterior pickle. Is it really necessary to give the players any more of this stuff? Seems like they've had enough already.

Miami 34, Syracuse 20

Illinois at Northwestern

Football fans get their last look at the small but scenic Lanny and Sharon Martin Stadium, before the Wildcats move back into the renovated Ryan Field. The temporary confines haven't been too friendly to the home team, which is 1-4 there against Division I-A opposition.

The Fighting Illini stayed above .500 in Big Ten play by staving off the surprising Scarlet Knights of Rutgers, 38-31. Senior wide receiver Pat Bryant caught seven passes for 197 yards, including a 40-yard touchdown with only four seconds left on the clock.

These teams play for possession of the Land of Lincoln Trophy. Upon hearing that, the College Football Czar made up his mind to sell his house and move to the state of Illinois, where it's safe. You see, he's ascared of vampires.

Illinois 14, Northwestern 3

Arkansas at Missouri

Perhaps the most dangerous thing about playing Arkansas is having to handle a razorback pigskin. For once, the wide receivers have an excuse for letting the ball go on their way into the end zone.

The Show-Me Staters haven't done much to live up to that moniker. Yes, they're 8-3, but their only quality conference victory has been against Vanderbilt in double-overtime. Last week, they mucked their way past last-place Mississippi State, 39-20.

The Hogs handled nonconference foe Louisiana Tech 35-14 to become bowl-eligible at 6-5. Former Boise State QB Taylen Green scored on touchdown runs of 41 and 8 yards, in addition to a pair of TD passes. The College Football Czar is pleased that such a feat is now regularly referred to as "scoring" four touchdowns instead of being "responsible for" them, as if it were tantamount to a sexual peccadillo. And no, that's not what you'd call an armored rodent that breeds prolifically.

Arkansas 25, Missouri 21

Oklahoma at LSU

The Sooners bammed Alabama 24-3 to become bowl-eligible at 6-5, even though they are only 2-5 in conference play. What must they, with their 4-0 nonconference mark, be thinking as nobody seems to want to win the Big XII?

Louisiana State is last in the SEC in rushing, but it does have a productive passer in Garrett Nussmeier, which is something Alabama was lacking last week. Nussmeier's 332 passing yards led the Tigers to a 24-17 triumph against Vanderbilt, to stop a three-game losing skid.

The Bayou Bengals might be doing their opponents a favor by transporting them back to the 80s with that Eye of the Tiger logo at midfield. Next thing you know, the Sooners will revert to the wishbone offense, pour gallons of goop on their heads, and for some reason or other, pretend that Glenn Close is desirable.

Oklahoma 41, LSU 33

Nevada at UNLV

Based on their CFP rating, the Rebels would win a tie-breaker over Colorado State to earn a rematch with Boise State in the Mountain West Conference title game. All they have to do is beat last-place rival UNR at home.

The Wolf Pack have not been easy to put away, however, losing by seven points or fewer to Boise State, Fresno State, San Jose State and SMU. Late last Saturday, they let a fourth-quarter lead slip away against Air Force, for a final of 22-19.

Vegas is not as offensively powerful as it is reputed to be, but its run defense is the best in the Mountain West, and #14 in the nation, allowing only 104.2 yards on the ground per game. Last Friday, they squelched San Jose State for 114 total yards, shutting the Spartans out in the second half of a 27-16 victory.

The winner of this rivalry game takes home the Fremont Canon. The mountain howitzer is named after Mexican War hero John C. Fremont, who went on to become the first-ever presidential nominee from the Republican Party. He didn't win, though. That's because James Buchanan called him Hitler, and said he was going to cut Social Security and ban in-vitro fertilization. Nobody knew what any of that stuff meant back then, but it sure sounded scary.

UNLV 26, Nevada 14

The College Football Czar

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