The College Football Czar
Week
13
Week twelve in review: There was not much movement in the CFP chase,
even though #1 Oregon barely eked out a game at Wisconsin that was nearly as
ugly as those unduck uniforms they were wearing. After another big SEC clash, with Georgia
downing Tennessee, the Volunteers remain in the race, along with SEC rivals
Texas, Georgia, Texas A&M, Ole Miss and Alabama.
After almost upsetting UO, the
Badgers fired offensive coordinator Phil Longo, author of the CheddAir offense. The Czar questions this decision, on the basis
that in only two years, and with the injury to Tyler Van Dyke, Longo never got
a chance to operate his system without a productive quarterback. As Pvt. Moriarity said in Kelly's Heroes,
"I can't make it run without the parts, no matter how positive I think!" Nevertheless, the coach has gotten carried
away by the negative waves.
The dominoes have begun falling in
the group-of-five conferences, where head coaches Mike Neu of Ball State, Tom
Herman of Florida Atlantic, Stan Drayton of Temple and Biff Poggi of Charlotte
have all been fired, joining Will Hall of Southern Miss, Mike Houston of East
Carolina and Mike Bloomgren of Rice, who were dismissed earlier this
season. Independent Umass, which will rejoin
the MAC next season, dropped Don Brown, also.
Most puzzling to the College Football Czar is that Brian Bohannon has
been pink-slipped from Kennesaw State, even though he had led the Owls to a
record of 72-38 in ten years at the Division I-AA level, and they have been
reasonably competitive in their first season in Conference USA.
The Czar is not going to get too
excited about it yet, but the Southwestern Athletic Conference has declared war
on unsportsmanlike conduct. Upon issuing
16 suspensions for a game-ending brawl between Jackson State and Alabama State,
SWAC commissioner Charles McClelland said, "Acts of unsportsmanlike conduct
have zero place in the sports of intercollegiate athletics ... We will continue
to work with our membership to implement the necessary policies and procedures
to deter this type of behavior. We will
also continue to enforce a zero-tolerance policy for all acts deemed to be
unsportsmanlike and contrary to the high standard of good sportsmanship we
expect from all individuals associated with the athletics programs within our
league." Once upon a time, the Czar
proposed the creation of the JDBAAFL, which stands for the Just Don't Be An
[expletive deleted] Football League. Can
the SWAC possibly be adopting a similar idea?
Stay tuned.
The Czar hereby extends a Lardhead
of the Year Award nomination to the school formerly known as Texas
A&M-Commerce. Just last week, TAMCC
rebranded itself East Texas A&M, onaccounta it's in East Texas, even though
it is almost due north of Texas A&M, and only farther east by about the
width of a possumsterior. The school's
athletic program is just finishing its transition to Division I, and with the
increased media attention that goes with that, it is obvious that it felt the
need to expunge the offending word: "Commerce."
Yes, that's the name of the town in which it's located, but it's so
filthycapitalistpigdoggy. Their helmet
logo might as well have been a profile of Milburn Drysdale.
The College Football Czar put
together his best week of the 2024 season, at 15-3. For the year, his record stands at 134-90,
for a .598 winning percentage.
Nov.
22
UNLV at San Jose State
The Rebels can no longer control
whether or not they can play in the Mountain West championship game, but they
can secure a 10-win regular season for the first time since they won the
Pacific Coast Athletic Association in 1984.
They can do that by beating both SJSU and Nevada, but they'll have to
hope someone else takes out Colorado State in order to create a Boise
State-UNLV rematch for the MWC title.
SJSU briefly held a second-half lead
against conference frontrunner Boise State, but wore down and lost by a final
of 42-21. Running back Floyd Chalk
needed to be outlined after the BSU defense got a hold of him, stopping him for
37 yards on 13 carries. The Spartans'
leading rusher hasn't had a 100-yard game all season, but we can chalk that up
to the fact that he's only getting 11.7 carries per game.
If the Rebs want to outsnob the
Spartans, they could try putting an umlaut over the U in UNLV. That would be ever so UNLV-ant garde
of them. One might even say they were
pushing the UNLV-elope.
If one were a pretentious git, that
is.
UNLV 45, San Jose State 28
Nov. 23
Pitt at Louisville
Last year's only regular season ACC
loss for Lllvull was one that they statistically controlled against this
Panther team, except that they went minus-3 in turnovers, and 0-4 on
fourth-down conversion attempts. The
38-21 victory snapped a four-game losing streak for the Panthers, but did not
prevent them from going on to lose their next four after that. They are now trying to avert their third
four-game slump in two seasons, after starting 2024 with a record of 7-0.
Already tied after having blown a
late two-TD lead at Stanford, Louisville coach Jeff Brohm went for in on a
fourth-and-10 from the opposing 45-yard-line.
The fact that the play was not successful might not have seemed that
important, because only four seconds remained in the game, but that's when
everything unraveled. After a pass that
went for only a yard, and left one second left on the clock, cornerback Tayon
Holloway would not let go of the receiver after riding him out of bounds, and
then shoved him, drawing a 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. One offside penalty later, and Brohm's bunch
were left to watch helplessly as a last-second 52-yard field goal sent them
down to defeat, 38-35.
That turned out to be the highlight
of the week for Holloway, who was arrested the following day for strangulation
and domestic assault. The allegation is
that he threw a woman off a bed, punched her in the face, and then began to
smother her with a pillow, all because she took a joint out of his mouth. It sure sounds like his days at the U of L
are numbered. Any team that takes him
through the transfer portal deserves what it gets.
Now we know why junior QB Nate
Yarnell had never been awarded the starting job for the Panthers up until
now. The 6-foot-6 slinger is as immobile
as the offensive line is incapable of protecting him. Against Clemson, Yarnell threw for 350 yards,
but he was sacked eight times, in losing a 24-20 tussle that drops his team
into also-ran status in the ACC.
It is Pat Narduzzi's defense,
however, that is tied for third in the nation in sacks with 35. That should be unwelcome news to Cardinal QB
Tyler Shough, who suffered long-term injuries during previous stops at Oregon
and Texas Tech.
The College Football Czar isn't sure
exactly when Louisville decided to start calling itself "The Ville" (or is it "ThhVull"?),
but it can't possibly be any match for The Burgh. The Ville sounds like the kind of a European
town in which women walk around carrying parasols, in lieu of shaving.
Pitt 22, Louisville 19
Penn State at Minnesota
Of all the unlikely endings for a
four-game winning streak, the Golden Gophers were gunned down by their own
ex-quarterback, "Greek Rife" Athan Kaliakmanis, in a 26-19 upset loss at
Rutgers. His middle name might as well
be Ipecac as far as the fans in Minneapolis are concerned, because the only
throwing with which they associated him a year ago was of the "up" variety.
The last six times the Nittany Lions
have hit the road to face the radiant rodents, they have gone 2-4, and one of
those wins was in overtime. The most
recent of those visits was a 31-26 setback in 2019, when both teams entered the
game with records of 8-0. It might not
be such a treacherous trip now, a week after the Gophers got their boat chopped
by the Scarlet Knights.
PSU tight end Tyler Warren had
another titanic game in a 49-10 pounding of Purdue. In addition to eight catches for 127 yards,
he led the team with 63 rushing yards, on only three carries. His 808 receiving yards for the season are by
far the most for any power conference TE.
Q: Why do coaches James Franklin and
P.J. Fleck both like to wear sunglasses?
A: To prevent bowlers from sticking
fingers in their eyes.
Penn State 38, Minnesota 29
Central Florida at West Virginia
Garrett Greene returned to the WVU
lineup after missing two games with a possible concussion, even though
sophomore Nicco Marichol had guided the team to two victories in his
absence. Greene passed for 237 yards against
Baylor, while rushing for 129 more and scoring a total of four touchdowns. What he couldn't do was prevent BU from
burying the Mountaineer defense for 512 yards and seven touchdowns, in a 49-35
avalanche.
In Week 11, the Knights handled an
undermanned Arizona State offense, but still lost 35-31, due mostly to blunders
on special teams. Freshman safety
Christian Peterson muffed a kickoff in the end zone, and for some reason seemed
to think that required him to return it instead of downing the ball for a
touchback, so he was tackled inside the one-yard-line. On the ensuing play, quarterback Dylan Rizk
took a bad one of those, and was intercepted for an ASU touchdown.
Speculation abounds that Mountaineer
head coach Neal Brown is headed to Umass, in a Tuberville-like move to flatter
the lesser program for having hired him away from the bigger school, rather
than waiting to be made available by firing.
Part of the reason so many WV fans want to be rid of him is because they
yearn for the return of Rich Rodriguez, the current Jacksonville State coach
who went 60-26 with the Eers from 2001-07.
Of all the peculiar things West
Virginians do, the College Football Czar would never have guessed yearning to
be among them. Using roadkill to put on
a puppet show, maybe, but not yearning.
West Virginia 30, Central Florida 17
Indiana at Ohio State
The Hoosiers are the namesake of the
classic sports movie about a plucky high school basketball team that prevails
against the big schools in the tournament, against all odds. The big difference between Gene Hackman's
hoopers and this IU football team is that the Hickory Huskers had gone through
some tough tests during their regular season.
By contrast, Curt Cignetti's club has gotten this far with a wussy
nonconference schedule, and no Big Ten opponents any better than eighth-place
Washington.
OSU has won the last 29 games in
this series, dating back to a 27-27 tie in 1990. It was two years earlier that the Hoosiers
actually defeated them, and they haven't won in Columbus since the year before
that.
The wind must have been blowing in
at Wrigley Field for the Buckeyes not to connect on more home run balls, in a
methodical 31-7 win over Northwestern that must have left Chicago football fans
ready to commit Harry Caray. Freshman
wide receiver Jeremiah Smith picked up exactly 100 yards on four catches, to
lead the team with 865 receiving yards for the season.
It's a little-known fact that Harry
Caray never was committed, to the amazement of baseball fans everywhere.
Ohio State 47, Indiana 24
Brigham Young at Arizona State
Did you know that Cougar QB Jake
Retzlaff is Jewish? Bet you didn't know
that, did you? If you didn't, don't
worry, because the announcers will inform you of it every thirteen minutes
throughout the game. The suggestion is
that he must be "breaking barriers," by overcoming a "social injustice" of some
sort or other. It isn't true, of course. BYU is a Mormon school, but it does not
exclude Jewish students. Football being
a meritocracy, the greatest obstacle he had to overcome was the competition. It's not as if Retzlaff were trying to join
the faculty at Columbia, or vie for the Democrat vice presidential
nomination. There was no form of bigotry
standing in the way of his becoming the starting quarterback at BYU. So he's Jewish. And?
Not every Tyson had a bad night last
Saturday. Sun Devil WR Jordyn Tyson
scorched Kansas State for 176 yards on 12 receptions and two TDs, in a 24-14
victory that gives ASU a chance to challenge for the championship in their new
conference. Okay, so technically, Iron
Mike might have really had a better night than that, considering that he was
paid $20 million just for doing his impression of a potato for eight rounds.
Within one week, the Cougars have
gone from an undefeated contender for the CFP to just another middling Big XII
team, which could be bumped out of the conference title game after having a
tough time in Tempe. In hindsight, they
had been on the decline for almost a month, defeating doormat Oklahoma State by
three points, and next-to-last place Utah by only one.
The worst thing about middling is
that you run the risk of bumping into Bette Midler. Yeesh.
Arizona State 27, Brigham Young 17
Army vs. Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish have won 15 in a
row against their foes from West Point, including a 27-3 thumping at this same
venue in 2010. They are 15-5 all-time
against the Cadets in the Bronx, where these teams met on a regular basis
between 1925-46.
The golden domer defense is third in
the nation in points allowed, at 11.4 per game.
The Black Knights are tied for first with Ohio State at 10.3, but they
haven't yet faced anything close to power conference competition.
It was 100 years ago that Grantland
Rice published that famous exercise in anti-journalistic gasbaggery about ND's
upset of the Cadets, in which he likened the Irish backfield to the Four
Horsemen of the Apocalypse. "They formed
the crest of the South Bend cyclone before which another fighting Army team was
swept over the precipice at the Polo Grounds this afternoon as 55,000
spectators peered down upon the bewildering panorama spread out upon the green
plain below," he wrote. And his mind was
a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall
of creative alternatives. Whatever.
The final score of that game was
13-7. Does that sound like a cyclone
swept anyone over a precipice in the midst of a bewildering panorama? Rice's account was not so much a colorful
interpretation as it was a delusion fueled by a noxious blend of impudence and
pomposity. It reads as if Frank DeFord
had decided to have some of what Hunter S. Thompson was having.
Notre Dame 23, Army 3
Ole Miss at Florida
With losses to Miami, Texas A&M,
Tennessee, Georgia and Texas, the 5-5 Gators are bound to be better than at least
one team that makes it into the 12-team CFP.
Last Saturday in the Swamp, they bogged down the Bayou Bengals 27-16, to
dramatically improve their chances of playing in the postseason.
The Rebels won their big game
against Georgia, but they have not had to play any of the other CFP contenders
in their conference. Assuming the SEC
gets four and only four playoff bids, it's plausible that this team could be
left out, even if it finishes 10-2. Say,
for example, Texas hands A&M its third loss, but then loses again to
Georgia in the league title game. Both
the Dogs and Horns get in, along with two out of three among Tennessee, Alabama
and Ole Miss. The Vols have played
Georgia and Alabama, and the Tide have played Georgia and Tennessee. That lack of a second blockbuster game for
the Rebs would prove decisive.
The Gators are fighting for their
lives, not just because they're a half-game away from eligibility, but because
RFK Jr. has vowed to blow Florida out of the water. Okay, so that's not quite accurate. RFK Jr. never really said that. His brain
worm did. Glad to have cleared that up.
How would that guy's name go on a
football jersey? KJR? FKJR?
Florida 21, Ole Miss 17
Colorado at Kansas
The Jayhawks (4-6, 3-4) were among
the preseason favorites in the Big XII, but they still need to pull off two
more upsets in order to become bowl-eligible.
Last week, they bumped off previously undefeated Brigham Young 17-13,
thanks to an end zone interception and a fourth-down stop at the 8-yard-line.
Are the Buffaloes (8-2, 6-1) really
that good a team, or are they just like Pitt or Navy, without having to run
into better competition late in the year?
Coach Prime's club is now tied with Brigham Young for first place in the
Big XII, but they don't play BYU, Arizona State or Iowa State in the regular
season.
The Czar doesn't discuss individual
awards very much, but if two-way CU star Travis Hunter isn't given the Heisman,
it will only be because of his personality.
That should not be a factor, but this is a subjective decision made by
lazy-minded sportswriters, so there you go.
The Heisman, in hockey terms, is akin to the Hart Trophy, and not the
Lady Byng.
The Lady Byng Trophy is the professional
hockey award for sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct. Nevertheless, it was awarded to infamous
roughhouser Bobby Hull in 1965, which was kind of like giving the Nobel Peace
Prize to Yasser Arafat. Oh, wait a
minute. Bad example.
Colorado 35, Kansas 32
Vanderbilt at LSU
Coach Brian Kelly won ten games in
each of his first two seasons in Baton Rouge, but his current three-game losing
streak has dropped his winning percentage below the Orgeron Line. This Tiger program expects to play for
national championships. In the first
year of a more forgiving playoff system, taking four or more losses was not in
the game plan.
The Commodores' leading receiver is
Eli Stovers, who had once competed with Diego Pavia for the starting QB job at
New Mexico State before converting to tight end, and then transferring along
with Pavia to Nashville.
Vandy's best games this year have
all been at home, but they have improved to 2-2 on the road with victories over
Kentucky and Auburn. Their only
conference loss away from home has been an overtime tussle at then-#7 Missouri.
You're probably surprised to learn
of the existence of something called the Orgeron Line. That's because having a line implies the
ability to deliver one, which Coach O will not have unless Pixar ever does an
animated feature whose cast includes a talking belt sander.
Vanderbilt 17, LSU 14
Colorado State at Fresno State
The Mountain West is still only a
12-team conference, and not 16 or 18 like other leagues. Nevertheless, CSU has succeeded in navigating
its way to the cusp of a conference championship bid, without having to face frontrunners
Boise State and UNLV.
It looked like the Bulldogs had a
bowl game in the bag until they dropped to 5-5 with bad losses at home to
Hawaii, and on the road against Air Force.
Between those two games, they rushed for a combined total of 14 yards. Looks like they should have just stayed on
the porch.
In this era of targeting penalties
and heightened heightened concern about concussions, the College Football Czar
is surprised the team nickname Rams is still allowed. Can you believe they even wear helmets that
resemble the heads of the critters that are famous for bashing their heads into
each other? It makes them look like a
bunch of sheep shot artists.
Colorado State 21, Fresno State 13
Uconn at Syracuse
The Conn Men are 7-3 on the season,
but those setbacks have come in all three of their previous clashes with power
conference opponents. Their two games
against ACC teams have been close, however, as they let a late lead slip away
against Duke, 26-21, and failed to fell Wake Forest, 23-20.
The Cuse continued to play follow
the bouncing Orange, as they came back from a bad loss at Boston College to
beat the Cal Bears in Berkeley, 33-25. Tight
end Oronde Gadsdenii and wide receiver Trebor Pena combined to catch 20 passes
for 206 yards.
Overall, the series between these
former conference foes couldn't be much closer.
Tied 6-6, SU has outscored Connecticut by a total of 318-315. However, it is the Orange Don't-Call-Us-Men
who have won the last four meetings, including the only three since the dissolution
of Big East football. In 2022, they went
through Storrs like Eva Gabor, in a 48-14 runaway. The College Football Czar does not expect the
Huskies to turn around this trend in this road game against another 7-3 team.
Sorry, dahlink.
Syracuse 41, Uconn 31
USC at UCLA
Both teams traditionally wear their
home uniforms for this game, which is something that might psychologically
benefit the Trojans, who are 0-4 in their road whites this season. Including an overtime home loss to Penn
State, they have fallen short in those five games by a combined total of only
24 points.
The Bruins (4-6, 3-5) cannot afford
another loss after having their three game winning streak halted at
Washington. A week after running wild against
Iowa, T.J. Harden moved like he was in quick-drying cement, gaining only 33
yards on 13 carries. The 31-19 defeat means
DeShaun Foster's team must take this rivalry game, and then beat Fresno State
in order to become bowl-eligible.
Southern Cal is perhaps in a tighter
bind at 5-5. If they don't beat the blue
bears on the road, they'll have to knock off Notre Dame in order to play in the
postseason. Last week, former UNLV
quarterback Jayden Maiava made his first start for the Trojans, throwing three
TDs in a 28-20 victory over Nebraska. He
did turn the ball over twice, however, including a pick-six to put his team
behind early.
These Left Coasters lamely play for
a trophy called the Victory Bell. Don't
they know they're in the Big Ten now? Somebody
please donate a rivalry trophy that has a little more character. Since they're in Tinseltown, perhaps Calista
Flockhart could let them use the jar in which she keeps Harrison Ford's
manhood.
UCLA 26, USC 23
Wisconsin at Nebraska
The N-men are badly in need of a W,
but how can they get a leg-up? Their
28-20 loss to Southern Cal was their fourth in a row, following a 5-1 start
that included quality wins over Colorado and Illinois. Now, they've got to beat either the Badgers
or Iowa, just to go to a bowl game for the first time since 2016.
The Madison Reds are reeling also. With consecutive losses to Penn State, Iowa
and Oregon, they now need a victory against either the Huskers or Minnesota. In fact, there are now twelve teams in the
Big Ten that stand a chance of finishing 6-6.
Last week against top-ranked Oregon,
the Badgers finished a long, third-quarter drive with a field goal to lead
13-6, but from that point on, they gained a grand total of no yards on their
final four possessions of the game. It was
after that performance that they gave up on the CheddAir experiment by firing
OC Phil Longo. That's only to be
expected, when the name of your head coach is Fickell.
Cornhusker coach Matt Rhule has
brought in Dana Holgorsen, a.k.a., the Medusa of Morgantown, to be his
offensive coordinator for the rest of the season, the expectation being that he
succeed in simplifying the offense for young quarterback Dylan Raiola. But when the kid makes eye contact, will he
not turn to stone? That might come in
handy for the Statue of Liberty play, but what about all the rest of the time?
Wisconsin 20, Nebraska 13
Stanford at California
The event that arrogantly calls
itself The Big Game takes on new meaning this year, as these two newly-minted
ACC teams battle for fifteenth place.
The Cardinal (3-7, 2-5) have the upperhand in the conference standings
because of last week's wild comeback victory over Louisville, but it is the
Golden Bears (5-5, 1-5) who still have a postseason to play for. With a regular season finale at league leader
SMU, Cal badly needs to beat its ancient rival from Palo Alto.
Stanford snapped a six-game losing
streak with a comeback victory against a ranked team, and for that they deserve
a certain amount of credit. The fact
remains that the only reason they even got off the game winning kick was
because they were aided by 20 yards in completely avoidable Louisville
penalties.
Cal must be kicking itself for
having jeopardized its season way back in Week 4, when it became the only team
all year to lose to Florida State. The Bears
only put nine points on the board that day, wasting most of their 410 total
yards. Their losses have been a lot more
respectable since then, but they'll still fall behind FSU into the basement if
they don't win another game.
Mind you, what most college students
think of as "the big game" is usually something like drunken, naked Twister, in
which the participants puke on each other.
This figures to be about as good as that.
California 30, Stanford 22
Virginia Tech at Duke
In a 24-14 loss to Clemson in Week
11, Gobbler quarterback Kyron Drones returned to action, but by the fourth
quarter, head coach Brent Pry said, "drizzle, drazzle, drozzle, drone," and
returned his starting QB to the sideline in favor of Collin Schlee, who threw
their only TD pass and was a more effective runner. As of this writing, it is unclear whether
Drones will be well enough to start this Saturday.
Following losses to league leaders SMU
and Miami, the Blue Devils got back in the W-column with a 29-19 victory over
intrastate rival Nc State. They did it without
much of a ground game, as they gained only 31 yards on 27 carries as a
team. Leading rusher Star Thomas has
been fading as the season has gone along, without a 100-yard game since late
September.
There used to be radio commercials
that offered to let you name a star after somebody for a price. It looks like Thomas has found a more
economical approach. In a similar vein,
it's a little-known fact that your humble correspondent's entire name is "S.S.
The College Football Czar," which spares him the cost of building a ship and
breaking a bottle of champaign. He only
goes by "The College Football Czar" for short.
Virginia Tech 15, Duke 10
Sam Houston at Jacksonville State
Each of these schools is in its second season of Division I-A football, but Jax State has already established itself with a winning 2023 season and a New Orleans Bowl victory over Louisiana-Lafayette. The Bearkats, by contrast, lost their first eight games, but have since gone 11-3, and are within a game of the Cocks for first place in Conference USA.
SHSU leads the league in scoring defense by allowing only 20.1 points per game. In Week 10, they beat the conference-leading defense in total yardage, in a 9-3 slugfest over Louisiana Tech. In their only three clashes with offensively formidable opponents, however, they have been burned by Central Florida and Western Kentucky, and barely survived a 40-39 battle with Texas State.
Tre Stewart of JSU is the runaway C-USA leader in rushing, with 1,219 yards. That's good enough for #7 nationally, ahead of such prolific backs as Cam Skattebo of Arizona State and Jordan James of Oregon. Of course, the competition isn't the same, but neither is the blocking.
The Gamecocks have resurrected an old logo they used decades ago, of a skinny, badly drawn rooster, whose comb looks like it's supposed to be a second head. The College Football Czar hereby officially names this bird Chicken Picasso. No charge.
Jacksonville State 38, Sam Houston 24
a sports publication from The
Shinbone