The College Football Czar

Week 13

 

 

Week twelve in review: There was not much movement in the CFP chase, even though #1 Oregon barely eked out a game at Wisconsin that was nearly as ugly as those unduck uniforms they were wearing. After another big SEC clash, with Georgia downing Tennessee, the Volunteers remain in the race, along with SEC rivals Texas, Georgia, Texas A&M, Ole Miss and Alabama.

After almost upsetting UO, the Badgers fired offensive coordinator Phil Longo, author of the CheddAir offense. The Czar questions this decision, on the basis that in only two years, and with the injury to Tyler Van Dyke, Longo never got a chance to operate his system without a productive quarterback. As Pvt. Moriarity said in Kelly's Heroes, "I can't make it run without the parts, no matter how positive I think!" Nevertheless, the coach has gotten carried away by the negative waves.

The dominoes have begun falling in the group-of-five conferences, where head coaches Mike Neu of Ball State, Tom Herman of Florida Atlantic, Stan Drayton of Temple and Biff Poggi of Charlotte have all been fired, joining Will Hall of Southern Miss, Mike Houston of East Carolina and Mike Bloomgren of Rice, who were dismissed earlier this season. Independent Umass, which will rejoin the MAC next season, dropped Don Brown, also. Most puzzling to the College Football Czar is that Brian Bohannon has been pink-slipped from Kennesaw State, even though he had led the Owls to a record of 72-38 in ten years at the Division I-AA level, and they have been reasonably competitive in their first season in Conference USA.

The Czar is not going to get too excited about it yet, but the Southwestern Athletic Conference has declared war on unsportsmanlike conduct. Upon issuing 16 suspensions for a game-ending brawl between Jackson State and Alabama State, SWAC commissioner Charles McClelland said, "Acts of unsportsmanlike conduct have zero place in the sports of intercollegiate athletics ... We will continue to work with our membership to implement the necessary policies and procedures to deter this type of behavior. We will also continue to enforce a zero-tolerance policy for all acts deemed to be unsportsmanlike and contrary to the high standard of good sportsmanship we expect from all individuals associated with the athletics programs within our league." Once upon a time, the Czar proposed the creation of the JDBAAFL, which stands for the Just Don't Be An [expletive deleted] Football League. Can the SWAC possibly be adopting a similar idea? Stay tuned.

The Czar hereby extends a Lardhead of the Year Award nomination to the school formerly known as Texas A&M-Commerce. Just last week, TAMCC rebranded itself East Texas A&M, onaccounta it's in East Texas, even though it is almost due north of Texas A&M, and only farther east by about the width of a possumsterior. The school's athletic program is just finishing its transition to Division I, and with the increased media attention that goes with that, it is obvious that it felt the need to expunge the offending word: "Commerce." Yes, that's the name of the town in which it's located, but it's so filthycapitalistpigdoggy. Their helmet logo might as well have been a profile of Milburn Drysdale.

The College Football Czar put together his best week of the 2024 season, at 15-3. For the year, his record stands at 134-90, for a .598 winning percentage.

Nov. 22

UNLV at San Jose State

The Rebels can no longer control whether or not they can play in the Mountain West championship game, but they can secure a 10-win regular season for the first time since they won the Pacific Coast Athletic Association in 1984. They can do that by beating both SJSU and Nevada, but they'll have to hope someone else takes out Colorado State in order to create a Boise State-UNLV rematch for the MWC title.

SJSU briefly held a second-half lead against conference frontrunner Boise State, but wore down and lost by a final of 42-21. Running back Floyd Chalk needed to be outlined after the BSU defense got a hold of him, stopping him for 37 yards on 13 carries. The Spartans' leading rusher hasn't had a 100-yard game all season, but we can chalk that up to the fact that he's only getting 11.7 carries per game.

If the Rebs want to outsnob the Spartans, they could try putting an umlaut over the U in UNLV. That would be ever so UNLV-ant garde of them. One might even say they were pushing the UNLV-elope.

If one were a pretentious git, that is.

UNLV 45, San Jose State 28

Nov. 23

Pitt at Louisville

Last year's only regular season ACC loss for Lllvull was one that they statistically controlled against this Panther team, except that they went minus-3 in turnovers, and 0-4 on fourth-down conversion attempts. The 38-21 victory snapped a four-game losing streak for the Panthers, but did not prevent them from going on to lose their next four after that. They are now trying to avert their third four-game slump in two seasons, after starting 2024 with a record of 7-0.

Already tied after having blown a late two-TD lead at Stanford, Louisville coach Jeff Brohm went for in on a fourth-and-10 from the opposing 45-yard-line. The fact that the play was not successful might not have seemed that important, because only four seconds remained in the game, but that's when everything unraveled. After a pass that went for only a yard, and left one second left on the clock, cornerback Tayon Holloway would not let go of the receiver after riding him out of bounds, and then shoved him, drawing a 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. One offside penalty later, and Brohm's bunch were left to watch helplessly as a last-second 52-yard field goal sent them down to defeat, 38-35.

That turned out to be the highlight of the week for Holloway, who was arrested the following day for strangulation and domestic assault. The allegation is that he threw a woman off a bed, punched her in the face, and then began to smother her with a pillow, all because she took a joint out of his mouth. It sure sounds like his days at the U of L are numbered. Any team that takes him through the transfer portal deserves what it gets.

Now we know why junior QB Nate Yarnell had never been awarded the starting job for the Panthers up until now. The 6-foot-6 slinger is as immobile as the offensive line is incapable of protecting him. Against Clemson, Yarnell threw for 350 yards, but he was sacked eight times, in losing a 24-20 tussle that drops his team into also-ran status in the ACC.

It is Pat Narduzzi's defense, however, that is tied for third in the nation in sacks with 35. That should be unwelcome news to Cardinal QB Tyler Shough, who suffered long-term injuries during previous stops at Oregon and Texas Tech.

The College Football Czar isn't sure exactly when Louisville decided to start calling itself "The Ville" (or is it "ThhVull"?), but it can't possibly be any match for The Burgh. The Ville sounds like the kind of a European town in which women walk around carrying parasols, in lieu of shaving.

Pitt 22, Louisville 19

Penn State at Minnesota

Of all the unlikely endings for a four-game winning streak, the Golden Gophers were gunned down by their own ex-quarterback, "Greek Rife" Athan Kaliakmanis, in a 26-19 upset loss at Rutgers. His middle name might as well be Ipecac as far as the fans in Minneapolis are concerned, because the only throwing with which they associated him a year ago was of the "up" variety.

The last six times the Nittany Lions have hit the road to face the radiant rodents, they have gone 2-4, and one of those wins was in overtime. The most recent of those visits was a 31-26 setback in 2019, when both teams entered the game with records of 8-0. It might not be such a treacherous trip now, a week after the Gophers got their boat chopped by the Scarlet Knights.

PSU tight end Tyler Warren had another titanic game in a 49-10 pounding of Purdue. In addition to eight catches for 127 yards, he led the team with 63 rushing yards, on only three carries. His 808 receiving yards for the season are by far the most for any power conference TE.

Q: Why do coaches James Franklin and P.J. Fleck both like to wear sunglasses?

A: To prevent bowlers from sticking fingers in their eyes.

Penn State 38, Minnesota 29

Central Florida at West Virginia

Garrett Greene returned to the WVU lineup after missing two games with a possible concussion, even though sophomore Nicco Marichol had guided the team to two victories in his absence. Greene passed for 237 yards against Baylor, while rushing for 129 more and scoring a total of four touchdowns. What he couldn't do was prevent BU from burying the Mountaineer defense for 512 yards and seven touchdowns, in a 49-35 avalanche.

In Week 11, the Knights handled an undermanned Arizona State offense, but still lost 35-31, due mostly to blunders on special teams. Freshman safety Christian Peterson muffed a kickoff in the end zone, and for some reason seemed to think that required him to return it instead of downing the ball for a touchback, so he was tackled inside the one-yard-line. On the ensuing play, quarterback Dylan Rizk took a bad one of those, and was intercepted for an ASU touchdown.

Speculation abounds that Mountaineer head coach Neal Brown is headed to Umass, in a Tuberville-like move to flatter the lesser program for having hired him away from the bigger school, rather than waiting to be made available by firing. Part of the reason so many WV fans want to be rid of him is because they yearn for the return of Rich Rodriguez, the current Jacksonville State coach who went 60-26 with the Eers from 2001-07.

Of all the peculiar things West Virginians do, the College Football Czar would never have guessed yearning to be among them. Using roadkill to put on a puppet show, maybe, but not yearning.

West Virginia 30, Central Florida 17

Indiana at Ohio State

The Hoosiers are the namesake of the classic sports movie about a plucky high school basketball team that prevails against the big schools in the tournament, against all odds. The big difference between Gene Hackman's hoopers and this IU football team is that the Hickory Huskers had gone through some tough tests during their regular season. By contrast, Curt Cignetti's club has gotten this far with a wussy nonconference schedule, and no Big Ten opponents any better than eighth-place Washington.

OSU has won the last 29 games in this series, dating back to a 27-27 tie in 1990. It was two years earlier that the Hoosiers actually defeated them, and they haven't won in Columbus since the year before that.

The wind must have been blowing in at Wrigley Field for the Buckeyes not to connect on more home run balls, in a methodical 31-7 win over Northwestern that must have left Chicago football fans ready to commit Harry Caray. Freshman wide receiver Jeremiah Smith picked up exactly 100 yards on four catches, to lead the team with 865 receiving yards for the season.

It's a little-known fact that Harry Caray never was committed, to the amazement of baseball fans everywhere.

Ohio State 47, Indiana 24

Brigham Young at Arizona State

Did you know that Cougar QB Jake Retzlaff is Jewish? Bet you didn't know that, did you? If you didn't, don't worry, because the announcers will inform you of it every thirteen minutes throughout the game. The suggestion is that he must be "breaking barriers," by overcoming a "social injustice" of some sort or other. It isn't true, of course. BYU is a Mormon school, but it does not exclude Jewish students. Football being a meritocracy, the greatest obstacle he had to overcome was the competition. It's not as if Retzlaff were trying to join the faculty at Columbia, or vie for the Democrat vice presidential nomination. There was no form of bigotry standing in the way of his becoming the starting quarterback at BYU. So he's Jewish. And?

Not every Tyson had a bad night last Saturday. Sun Devil WR Jordyn Tyson scorched Kansas State for 176 yards on 12 receptions and two TDs, in a 24-14 victory that gives ASU a chance to challenge for the championship in their new conference. Okay, so technically, Iron Mike might have really had a better night than that, considering that he was paid $20 million just for doing his impression of a potato for eight rounds.

Within one week, the Cougars have gone from an undefeated contender for the CFP to just another middling Big XII team, which could be bumped out of the conference title game after having a tough time in Tempe. In hindsight, they had been on the decline for almost a month, defeating doormat Oklahoma State by three points, and next-to-last place Utah by only one.

The worst thing about middling is that you run the risk of bumping into Bette Midler. Yeesh.

Arizona State 27, Brigham Young 17

Army vs. Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish have won 15 in a row against their foes from West Point, including a 27-3 thumping at this same venue in 2010. They are 15-5 all-time against the Cadets in the Bronx, where these teams met on a regular basis between 1925-46.

The golden domer defense is third in the nation in points allowed, at 11.4 per game. The Black Knights are tied for first with Ohio State at 10.3, but they haven't yet faced anything close to power conference competition.

It was 100 years ago that Grantland Rice published that famous exercise in anti-journalistic gasbaggery about ND's upset of the Cadets, in which he likened the Irish backfield to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. "They formed the crest of the South Bend cyclone before which another fighting Army team was swept over the precipice at the Polo Grounds this afternoon as 55,000 spectators peered down upon the bewildering panorama spread out upon the green plain below," he wrote. And his mind was a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives. Whatever.

The final score of that game was 13-7. Does that sound like a cyclone swept anyone over a precipice in the midst of a bewildering panorama? Rice's account was not so much a colorful interpretation as it was a delusion fueled by a noxious blend of impudence and pomposity. It reads as if Frank DeFord had decided to have some of what Hunter S. Thompson was having.

Notre Dame 23, Army 3

Ole Miss at Florida

With losses to Miami, Texas A&M, Tennessee, Georgia and Texas, the 5-5 Gators are bound to be better than at least one team that makes it into the 12-team CFP. Last Saturday in the Swamp, they bogged down the Bayou Bengals 27-16, to dramatically improve their chances of playing in the postseason.

The Rebels won their big game against Georgia, but they have not had to play any of the other CFP contenders in their conference. Assuming the SEC gets four and only four playoff bids, it's plausible that this team could be left out, even if it finishes 10-2. Say, for example, Texas hands A&M its third loss, but then loses again to Georgia in the league title game. Both the Dogs and Horns get in, along with two out of three among Tennessee, Alabama and Ole Miss. The Vols have played Georgia and Alabama, and the Tide have played Georgia and Tennessee. That lack of a second blockbuster game for the Rebs would prove decisive.

The Gators are fighting for their lives, not just because they're a half-game away from eligibility, but because RFK Jr. has vowed to blow Florida out of the water. Okay, so that's not quite accurate. RFK Jr. never really said that. His brain worm did. Glad to have cleared that up.

How would that guy's name go on a football jersey? KJR? FKJR?

Florida 21, Ole Miss 17

Colorado at Kansas

The Jayhawks (4-6, 3-4) were among the preseason favorites in the Big XII, but they still need to pull off two more upsets in order to become bowl-eligible. Last week, they bumped off previously undefeated Brigham Young 17-13, thanks to an end zone interception and a fourth-down stop at the 8-yard-line.

Are the Buffaloes (8-2, 6-1) really that good a team, or are they just like Pitt or Navy, without having to run into better competition late in the year? Coach Prime's club is now tied with Brigham Young for first place in the Big XII, but they don't play BYU, Arizona State or Iowa State in the regular season.

The Czar doesn't discuss individual awards very much, but if two-way CU star Travis Hunter isn't given the Heisman, it will only be because of his personality. That should not be a factor, but this is a subjective decision made by lazy-minded sportswriters, so there you go. The Heisman, in hockey terms, is akin to the Hart Trophy, and not the Lady Byng.

The Lady Byng Trophy is the professional hockey award for sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct. Nevertheless, it was awarded to infamous roughhouser Bobby Hull in 1965, which was kind of like giving the Nobel Peace Prize to Yasser Arafat. Oh, wait a minute. Bad example.

Colorado 35, Kansas 32

Vanderbilt at LSU

Coach Brian Kelly won ten games in each of his first two seasons in Baton Rouge, but his current three-game losing streak has dropped his winning percentage below the Orgeron Line. This Tiger program expects to play for national championships. In the first year of a more forgiving playoff system, taking four or more losses was not in the game plan.

The Commodores' leading receiver is Eli Stovers, who had once competed with Diego Pavia for the starting QB job at New Mexico State before converting to tight end, and then transferring along with Pavia to Nashville.

Vandy's best games this year have all been at home, but they have improved to 2-2 on the road with victories over Kentucky and Auburn. Their only conference loss away from home has been an overtime tussle at then-#7 Missouri.

You're probably surprised to learn of the existence of something called the Orgeron Line. That's because having a line implies the ability to deliver one, which Coach O will not have unless Pixar ever does an animated feature whose cast includes a talking belt sander.

Vanderbilt 17, LSU 14

Colorado State at Fresno State

The Mountain West is still only a 12-team conference, and not 16 or 18 like other leagues. Nevertheless, CSU has succeeded in navigating its way to the cusp of a conference championship bid, without having to face frontrunners Boise State and UNLV.

It looked like the Bulldogs had a bowl game in the bag until they dropped to 5-5 with bad losses at home to Hawaii, and on the road against Air Force. Between those two games, they rushed for a combined total of 14 yards. Looks like they should have just stayed on the porch.

In this era of targeting penalties and heightened heightened concern about concussions, the College Football Czar is surprised the team nickname Rams is still allowed. Can you believe they even wear helmets that resemble the heads of the critters that are famous for bashing their heads into each other? It makes them look like a bunch of sheep shot artists.

Colorado State 21, Fresno State 13

Uconn at Syracuse

The Conn Men are 7-3 on the season, but those setbacks have come in all three of their previous clashes with power conference opponents. Their two games against ACC teams have been close, however, as they let a late lead slip away against Duke, 26-21, and failed to fell Wake Forest, 23-20.

The Cuse continued to play follow the bouncing Orange, as they came back from a bad loss at Boston College to beat the Cal Bears in Berkeley, 33-25. Tight end Oronde Gadsdenii and wide receiver Trebor Pena combined to catch 20 passes for 206 yards.

Overall, the series between these former conference foes couldn't be much closer. Tied 6-6, SU has outscored Connecticut by a total of 318-315. However, it is the Orange Don't-Call-Us-Men who have won the last four meetings, including the only three since the dissolution of Big East football. In 2022, they went through Storrs like Eva Gabor, in a 48-14 runaway. The College Football Czar does not expect the Huskies to turn around this trend in this road game against another 7-3 team.

Sorry, dahlink.

Syracuse 41, Uconn 31

USC at UCLA

Both teams traditionally wear their home uniforms for this game, which is something that might psychologically benefit the Trojans, who are 0-4 in their road whites this season. Including an overtime home loss to Penn State, they have fallen short in those five games by a combined total of only 24 points.

The Bruins (4-6, 3-5) cannot afford another loss after having their three game winning streak halted at Washington. A week after running wild against Iowa, T.J. Harden moved like he was in quick-drying cement, gaining only 33 yards on 13 carries. The 31-19 defeat means DeShaun Foster's team must take this rivalry game, and then beat Fresno State in order to become bowl-eligible.

Southern Cal is perhaps in a tighter bind at 5-5. If they don't beat the blue bears on the road, they'll have to knock off Notre Dame in order to play in the postseason. Last week, former UNLV quarterback Jayden Maiava made his first start for the Trojans, throwing three TDs in a 28-20 victory over Nebraska. He did turn the ball over twice, however, including a pick-six to put his team behind early.

These Left Coasters lamely play for a trophy called the Victory Bell. Don't they know they're in the Big Ten now? Somebody please donate a rivalry trophy that has a little more character. Since they're in Tinseltown, perhaps Calista Flockhart could let them use the jar in which she keeps Harrison Ford's manhood.

UCLA 26, USC 23

Wisconsin at Nebraska

The N-men are badly in need of a W, but how can they get a leg-up? Their 28-20 loss to Southern Cal was their fourth in a row, following a 5-1 start that included quality wins over Colorado and Illinois. Now, they've got to beat either the Badgers or Iowa, just to go to a bowl game for the first time since 2016.

The Madison Reds are reeling also. With consecutive losses to Penn State, Iowa and Oregon, they now need a victory against either the Huskers or Minnesota. In fact, there are now twelve teams in the Big Ten that stand a chance of finishing 6-6.

Last week against top-ranked Oregon, the Badgers finished a long, third-quarter drive with a field goal to lead 13-6, but from that point on, they gained a grand total of no yards on their final four possessions of the game. It was after that performance that they gave up on the CheddAir experiment by firing OC Phil Longo. That's only to be expected, when the name of your head coach is Fickell.

Cornhusker coach Matt Rhule has brought in Dana Holgorsen, a.k.a., the Medusa of Morgantown, to be his offensive coordinator for the rest of the season, the expectation being that he succeed in simplifying the offense for young quarterback Dylan Raiola. But when the kid makes eye contact, will he not turn to stone? That might come in handy for the Statue of Liberty play, but what about all the rest of the time?

Wisconsin 20, Nebraska 13

Stanford at California

The event that arrogantly calls itself The Big Game takes on new meaning this year, as these two newly-minted ACC teams battle for fifteenth place. The Cardinal (3-7, 2-5) have the upperhand in the conference standings because of last week's wild comeback victory over Louisville, but it is the Golden Bears (5-5, 1-5) who still have a postseason to play for. With a regular season finale at league leader SMU, Cal badly needs to beat its ancient rival from Palo Alto.

Stanford snapped a six-game losing streak with a comeback victory against a ranked team, and for that they deserve a certain amount of credit. The fact remains that the only reason they even got off the game winning kick was because they were aided by 20 yards in completely avoidable Louisville penalties.

Cal must be kicking itself for having jeopardized its season way back in Week 4, when it became the only team all year to lose to Florida State. The Bears only put nine points on the board that day, wasting most of their 410 total yards. Their losses have been a lot more respectable since then, but they'll still fall behind FSU into the basement if they don't win another game.

Mind you, what most college students think of as "the big game" is usually something like drunken, naked Twister, in which the participants puke on each other. This figures to be about as good as that.

California 30, Stanford 22

Virginia Tech at Duke

In a 24-14 loss to Clemson in Week 11, Gobbler quarterback Kyron Drones returned to action, but by the fourth quarter, head coach Brent Pry said, "drizzle, drazzle, drozzle, drone," and returned his starting QB to the sideline in favor of Collin Schlee, who threw their only TD pass and was a more effective runner. As of this writing, it is unclear whether Drones will be well enough to start this Saturday.

Following losses to league leaders SMU and Miami, the Blue Devils got back in the W-column with a 29-19 victory over intrastate rival Nc State. They did it without much of a ground game, as they gained only 31 yards on 27 carries as a team. Leading rusher Star Thomas has been fading as the season has gone along, without a 100-yard game since late September.

There used to be radio commercials that offered to let you name a star after somebody for a price. It looks like Thomas has found a more economical approach. In a similar vein, it's a little-known fact that your humble correspondent's entire name is "S.S. The College Football Czar," which spares him the cost of building a ship and breaking a bottle of champaign. He only goes by "The College Football Czar" for short.

Virginia Tech 15, Duke 10

Sam Houston at Jacksonville State

Each of these schools is in its second season of Division I-A football, but Jax State has already established itself with a winning 2023 season and a New Orleans Bowl victory over Louisiana-Lafayette. The Bearkats, by contrast, lost their first eight games, but have since gone 11-3, and are within a game of the Cocks for first place in Conference USA.

SHSU leads the league in scoring defense by allowing only 20.1 points per game. In Week 10, they beat the conference-leading defense in total yardage, in a 9-3 slugfest over Louisiana Tech. In their only three clashes with offensively formidable opponents, however, they have been burned by Central Florida and Western Kentucky, and barely survived a 40-39 battle with Texas State.

Tre Stewart of JSU is the runaway C-USA leader in rushing, with 1,219 yards. That's good enough for #7 nationally, ahead of such prolific backs as Cam Skattebo of Arizona State and Jordan James of Oregon. Of course, the competition isn't the same, but neither is the blocking.

The Gamecocks have resurrected an old logo they used decades ago, of a skinny, badly drawn rooster, whose comb looks like it's supposed to be a second head. The College Football Czar hereby officially names this bird Chicken Picasso. No charge.

Jacksonville State 38, Sam Houston 24

 

 

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone