The Original
College Football Czar
Week
13
Week twelve in review: Although it's difficult to say anymore when a
team has been eliminated from playoff contention, it sure looks like Texas,
Cincinnati and South Florida ought to start making other plans. Texas A&M kept itself in position for a
first round bye with a furious comeback from a 27-point deficit to down South
Carolina, 31-30, while Alabama, after a 23-21 loss to Oklahoma, is now looking
to nail down first-round home field advantage.
The playoff picture really didn't change much overall, nor is it likely
to do so this week, with a remarkable paucity of big games on the docket. If the College Football Czar had to take a
snapshot of how he figured the CFP matchups to turn out, at this point it would
look something like this:
#9 Notre Dame at #8 Oklahoma, the
winner to play #1 Ohio State
#10 Alabama at #7 Ole Miss, the
winner to play #2 Indiana
#11 Georgia Tech at # 6 Oregon, the
winner to play #3 Texas A&M
#12 North Texas at #5 Texas Tech,
the winner to play #4 Georgia
The Czar hereby nominates Pitt coach
Pat Narduzzi for the Lardhead of the Year Award, for telling his own team it
wasn't important to win last Saturday against Notre Dame. "It is not an ACC game," he explained in his
weekly press conference. "I would gladly
get beat 103 or 110 to 10 in that game.
They could put up 100 up on us as long as we win the next two after
that." To the surprise of nobody, his
Panthers did not put for their most inspired effort of the season, in a 37-15
defeat that seemed far worse than the final score suggests.
What football coach looks at his job
this way, that he has in mind which of his remaining games he would prefer to
lose? One of the worst cliches in sports
is "who wants it most," but when Narduzzi's team takes the field it actually
applies, because he has stated repeatedly over the years that he doesn't want
the nonconference games all that badly.
Perhaps Pitt fans should be thankful that conference scheduling
commitments prevent their team from playing Penn State and West Virginia on an
annual basis, because these bitter rivalry games just don't matter to their
team's coach as much as they do to the opponents. Obnoxious visiting fans come into the stadium
and start chanting that the home team consumes biological waste matter, and the
Panther faithful have little choice but to either react like lardheads (which,
amazing, they seldom do) or just sit there and stew in it. Narduzzi's message to them is that he doesn't
care, because the games the fans think are the most important, the ones that
drive season ticket sales, are not nearly as important to the coach as those
yawn-inducing conference matchups against Virginia, Duke and Wake Forest.
The only thing that prevents
Narduzzi from being declared the winner of the award right now is that, sadly,
he is not entirely without a point. If
you're a head coach in Division I-A football today, your primary goal has got
to be to make it into the playoffs. The
Panthers were never going to contend for an at-large bid, so their only hope is
to win the ACC championship. In spite of
last Saturday's disaster, they remain half a game out of first place, equal in
the loss-column with league leaders Virginia and Georgia Tech. Their chances of making it into the CFP are
exactly no worse now than they were before last week's 22-point nonconference
defeat. Not that Notre Dame wouldn't
have beaten them anyway, but it was certainly visible on the field that the
game was all-important to the Fighting Irish, and not at all important to Pitt.
This is one of the many reasons the
Czar has always opposed an expanded playoff format. Regular season college football games just
don't mean as much anymore. Look at
Pitt's opponent for this week, Georgia Tech.
With a win, the Yellowjackets would clinch a berth in the ACC title
game, the result of which would then determine whether they go to the
playoffs. In the meantime, what about
Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate? This year's
traditional rivalry game between Georgia and Georgia Tech could be among the
best ever (if it hadn't been moved indoors, that is), but if the Jackets don't
need it, why should they even risk putting QB Haynes King on the field. Georgia, still having a first-round bye to
play for, could have a mismatch in its favor just because it is motivated to
win. The college football playoff, for
which lardheads had been unanimously clamoring for decades, has thus turned
rivalry week into the equivalent of NFL Week 18. Thanks a lot, guys.
Anyway, the College Football Czar
correctly picked both of the big SEC games last week, on his way to a record of
13-7. For the season, he is 143-89, for
a .616 winning percentage.
Nov.
21
Florida State at Nc State
The Wolfpack are no longer the upset
threat they used to be against FSU, but that's only because they're expected to
win now, having taken five of the past six games in the series. The Seminoles haven't sneaked out of Raleigh
with a W since 2016, and are now only 11-9 there overall.
NCSU, having the worst pass defense
in the ACC, was no match for Miami, whose QBs combined for 367 passing yards in
a 41-7 blowout. The Pack now average
299.9 yards allowed per game through the air, which is more than former BC
scrambler Tommy Castellanos has compiled in any single game in his career,
against any opponent other than his current club, Florida State.
You can't convince the Noles that
games against teams outside the ACC are unimportant. With a 2-5 record in conference play, they
are 5-5 overall, with a chance to become bowl-eligible this week. Next week, they face a Florida team that is
currently only 3-7. If they can take one
or both of these games, and then win a minor bowl game, coach Mike Norvell will
have quietly engineered a nice turnaround from last year's 2-10 campaign.
Q: Why are there only eleven wolves
in a pack, instead of a dozen?
A: Shrinkflation! Not a joke!
Nc State 32, Florida State 27
Hawaii at UNLV
These two teams are part of a
five-way tie for second place in the Mountain West Conference, one game behind
San Diego State. At least one conference
is bound to have almost this bad a logjam at the end of the regular season,
which will result in the breaking of a tie on a trivial and silly basis. To the College Football Czar, the solutions
to this are obvious. First, every
conference should break up into divisions again, so that the two division
champions can play each other for the title.
Then, when there is a tie, it will usually be between only two teams, to
be determined by their head-to-head result.
This is far preferable than having one second-place team advance over
another because it has a higher CFP ranking, it scored more safeties in
conference road games, it looks better in anthracite jerseys, or the rest of
the conference voted the other team off the island.
The Czar is guessing that this
second proposal will be somewhat less well received, but there should be no
overtime in the regular season. For
playoffs, bowl games and conference championships, the overtime format should
revert to what it was when it was first established, with the teams exchanging
possessions from the 25-yard-line until somebody wins. In the regular season, go back to having
ties. There were never that many of them
anyway, and for a conference to have one or two of them over the course of a
season would go a long way toward sorting out the standings. It's certainly no less legitimate a way to
end a game than holding a two-point-conversion-o-rama, or having the teams take
turns kicking off, and the first one to be stupid enough not to fair catch is
the loser.
Speaking of overtime, the Rebels
remained in the race by staving off Utah State in 2 OTs, by a final of
29-26. In the old days, they would have
eschewed the tying field goal late in regulation time because it would have
dropped them half a game off the pace, but would instead have gone for it on a
fourth-and-10 from the 14-yard-line.
Road trips to the mainland are
always tough for the Rainbow Warriors, and this year has been no
exception. At 7-3 overall, they are only
2-2 on the road, with an awful 40-6 loss at Arizona, and a shocking setback at
San Jose State by a score of 45-38.
Their wins have been more competitive than they probably should have
been, against lower-echelon MWC foes Air Force and Colorado State.
The people of Las Vegas can't wait
for this weekend to be over. The last
thing they need is a bunch of jokers trying to cut in at the front of the rope
line by claiming they knew Don Ho.
UNLV 34, Hawaii 31
Nov. 24
Pitt at Georgia Tech
You heard what Coach Narduzzi
said. This is one of those two important
ACC games his team has left, as opposed to that nonconference game in which he
"would gladly get beat." (Happy now,
skipper?) This might even be the only
important game remaining, depending on the outcome. If the Panthers don't prevail, they will no
longer be in the running for an ACC championship, so what will their regular
season finale against Miami matter?
The Yellowjackets came back from
their first defeat of the season to improve to 9-1, but their 36-34 win over
last-place Boston College was more alarming than their previous loss to Nc
State. Tech trailed by eleven points
going into the fourth quarter, but rallied to win on a chip shot with seconds
remaining. It was the second consecutive
game in which Brent Key's defense allowed well over 500 yards. Its inability to pressure the quarterback
could be exactly what Panther freshman QB Mason Heintschel needs, after the
duress he was under against Notre Dame.
Perhaps the only highlight during
last week's debacle was the retirement of former defensive lineman Aaron
Donald's number. In college, Donald was
an All-American, and winner of the Outland, Nagurski, Bednarik and Lombardi
Awards. In the NFL, he was Defensive
Rookie of the Year, three-time Defensive Player of the Year, a ten-time
Pro-Bowler, and a Super Bowl LVI champion.
Having his college number retired must be the greatest honor of all,
though, because now it makes him just like Shedeur Sanders.
Pitt 25. Georgia Tech 21
Nebraska at Penn State
Emmett Johnson is not the biggest
name in the Big Ten, but Mr. Emm has carried the Enn-Men to a 7-3 record,
leading the conference in rushing with 1,131 yards. In a 28-21 Week 11 win at UCLA, he even had a
career-high 103 receiving yards, to go along with 129 on the ground.
The 2025 season holds little
consolation for the 4-6 Nittany Lions, but thanks to a remarkably weak
nonconference schedule (Nevada, Florida International and Division I-AA
Villanova), they still have a shot at a bowl game and a winning season. Their Big Ten slate has not been as helpful,
however. They do not play Maryland,
Wisconsin or Purdue this season, or else they might have had a couple more
results like last week's comfortable 28-10 win over a meandering Michigan State
team.
Each team is starting a freshman at
quarterback due to injury, but Cornhusker QB T.J. Lateef has really been able
to sink in his choppers so far, completing 29 of 34 passes this season, with
four TDs and no interceptions. By
contrast, PSU passer Ethan Grunkemeyer is just now starting to show some poise,
and an ability to set his sights deeper downfield.
It turns out the Lions won't have to
pay the entirety of James Franklin's $49 million buyout, because he has been
hired as the new head coach at Virginia Tech, which just goes to show that in
this game, all things are relative. The
Gobblers would only love to go back to the good old days, when they were the
team that was always losing the big one.
Nebraska 20, Penn State 17
USC at Oregon
The path to a Big Ten championship
for either of these teams is surprisingly narrow, and in fact an at-large CFP
bid is not as great a likelihood as it might seem. If Michigan were to upset Ohio State again,
it would likely leapfrog both the Ducks and Trojans, which would leave the
fourth-place team from this conference in the unenviable position of jockeying
for the final playoff spot with the #5 selection out of the SEC. What makes it more unlikely for UO is that it
ends the regular season with a challenging game on the road against Washington,
whereas Southern Cal takes on a UCLA team that ran out of steam about a month
ago.
Nevertheless, the webfoots look like
a team that could go fer, judging from last Friday's 42-13 cruise past the
Minnesota Golden Gophers. Who knew the
waterfowl would be too swift for a bunch of rodents rowing a boat to keep up
with? QB Dante Moore, who'd had a couple
rough outings in the inclement Upper Midwest, returned home to throw for 306
yards and two touchdowns, while completing 27 of 30.
This Trojan team has taken out
ranked opponents Michigan and Iowa, but both of those games were at home, and
against opponents that play at a very deliberate pace. The only time they've played against an
offense nearly as dynamic as this, they were unable to keep pace with Notre
Dame, 34-24 on the road.
Moore has presumably recovered by
now from an injury to his proboscis that he suffered two weeks ago. That's the last time he takes push-up lessons
from Puddles the mascot. Not everybody's
bill is so durable.
Oregon 29, USC 25
Louisville at SMU
Llluvll was officially llumnatd from the ACC
race in a chaotic 20-19 loss to Clemson last Friday night. Cooper Ranvier's missed extra point in the
second quarter came back to bite the Cardinals in the coccyx, providing the
margin of defeat after each of their kickers missed a go-ahead field goal
attempt in the final two minutes.
The first ACC tie-breaker is
head-to-head results, but the Mustangs (7-3, 5-1) do not play Virginia, Georgia
Tech or Pitt. This fact virtually
assures that at least one of the two berths in the conference championship game
will be stupidly decided.
SMU-ooshed Boston College last week
45-13, under the weight of 574 total yards.
T.J. Harden solidified his position as the team's leading rusher with
130 yards on 16 carries. Chris Johnsonjr
has a better per-carry average, but he has been used more sparingly, and didn't
handle the ball at all against BC.
The coccyx is just another name for
the tailbone. So why didn't the College
Football Czar just call it the tailbone, you ask? Because human beings don't have tails, you
atheist pinko meathead.
SMU 33, Louisville 31
Brigham Young at Cincinnati
After back-to-back losses to Utah
and Arizona, the Bearcats are no longer ranked.
That suits them just fine, in a fox-and-grapes kind of a way. Who really wants to be a poll-cat
anyway? They could be right back in the
running for a Big XII title, however, if they can bump off second-place BYU.
The Cougars came back from their
lone loss to this point in the season to trounce TCU 44-13. Freshman quarterback Bear Bachmeier led the
way with 297 passing yards, and another 59 rushing yards on ten carries. For the season, his numbers are comparable to
the ones that Jake Retzlaff put up a year ago, and nearly identical to the ones
Retzlaff has this season at Tulane.
It's better to be a bare cat than to
dress like a Cincinnati Bengal. It's a
little-known fact that Thomas Matthew Crooks had one of those uniforms hanging
in his closet. Not that there's anything
wrong with that, even though there is.
Brigham Young 28, Cincinnati 21
Missouri at Oklahoma
Mizzou would probably rather have this
matchup later than sooner, in hopes that OU would let down after last week's
23-21 triumph over Alabama. The Sooners
only scraped up 212 yards in that game, but they went plus-3 in turnovers,
which they converted into 17 points.
The Tigers were lining up to give
Ahmed Hardy a handshake at the end of his 300-yard, three-TD rushing
performance, in a 49-27 runaway from Mississippi State. This week, he looks to make a fine mess for
Brent Venables' defense, but that won't be easy, because it allows the fewest
points of any team in the SEC.
In college football, everybody
claims not to be given enough respect, but only Missouri has had to take pot
luck when it comes to postal abbreviations.
Does the person in charge of passing those out think Michigan and
Mississippi are better states? Still,
the Missourians don't help matters by pronouncing their state with a schwa at
the end. Nobody is going to show them
any respect until they learn to respect themselves.
Really, it sounds indifferent. "Mizzerr-euh.
Meh. Snuh."
Oklahoma 30, Missouri 17
Coastal Carolina at South Carolina
The Gamecocks got railroaded in the
second half of a 31-30 loss to the Conjunction Boys, after leading 30-3 at
halftime. It really started to unravel
when they passed on a long field goal attempt while leading by 20, and got
stopped on a fourth-and-one.
Compared to last year, Cock QB
LaNorris Sellers has been a bumbling Clouseau, throwing six picks to only nine
touchdowns, without generating enough of a running threat to make up for
it. Lucky for him, he doesn't have much
company in the quarterback rheum.
The 6-4 Chanticleers had a four-game
winning stream stopped in a 45-40 loss at Georgia Southern, in which they
surrendered a staggering 653 total yards.
Coastal is still bowl-eligible, but it no longer has a chance to catch
James Madison for first place in the Sun Belt East, even if it drops the Dukes
in its regular season finale.
There are three Division I-A
football teams in the state of South Carolina, but only SC and Clemson
participate in the Palmetto Bowl, and not CCU.
It's easy enough to see why. You
can't really blame a resort town for not wanting to advertise its cockroaches.
South Carolina 42, Coastal Carolina
31
TCU at Houston
Two weeks ago, the Cougars kicked a
late field goal to win the "Space Game" over Central Florida, 30-27. In that annual matchup between the homes of
Houston Control and Cape Canaveral, the teams wear special uniforms that are
designed to be somehow spacelike. As
long as the Knights willingly participate in such a thing, they have absolutely
no room to make fun of Bob Diaco's "Civil ConFLiCT" trophy.
The Horned Frogs had figured out UH
nine times in a row to tie the series up at 13-13, until last season when they
were beaten by backup Cougar QB Zeon Chriss, 30-19. It was really the offense that let the
leaping lizards down that day, with two interceptions, two fumbles, and only
3.0 yards per carry.
Texas Christian wide receiver Eric
McAlister leads the Big XII in receiving, almost 200 yards ahead of his nearest
competition. Strangely, he has only
scored one touchdown in the past month, even though he has gained exactly 400
receiving yards in four games during that time.
The College Football Czar doesn't
pretend to know what kind of uniforms college football players would wear in
space. He just hopes that when they're
in their street clothes, the lack of gravity would hold their pants up.
TCU 41, Houston 38
California at Stanford
In the Bay Area, they call this The
Big Game, which it just might be, now that Oakland has chased away all of its
major league sports teams. Seriously, if
this game was really so big, they would have some highlights to show us from
sometime during the past forty years.
Contrary to his surname, Hezekiah
Masses is not very common. The Golden
Bear cornerback leads the ACC with ten PBUs, and is tied for first in
interceptions with five. In Week 11 at
Louisville, he picked a pass off to set up a field goal, which proved to be
crucial in the 29-26 overtime upset.
The Cardinal lost their last game to
North Carolina 20-15, but their change at quarterback showed signs of paying
off, as freshman Elijah Brown completed 27 of 39 for 284 yards, with one TD and
one pick. At 3-7, there would be little
to gain at this point by going back to struggling senior Ben Gulbrandson.
One might suppose a bear would think
twice before participating in something called "big game." Aren't these guys supposed to be smart?
California 24, Stanford 15
East Carolina at UTSA
Texas-San Antonio dusted the Pick-Cs
28-7 last week in Charlotte, to pull within a game of bowl eligibility at
5-5. Both of their remaining games are
at home in the Alamodome, but they're against good opponents who need to win
also, in ECU and Army.
The Pirates (7-3, 5-1) are trying to
keep pace with Tulane and North Texas, half a game behind Navy for the American
Conference lead. Last week's 31-27
victory against undermanned Memphis keeps them in a three-way tie for second,
but because the second tie-breaker is the CFP rankings, they're going to need a
little help to get to the championship game, even if they beat both UTSA and
Florida Atlantic on the road.
First, the Sugar Bowl, and now the
Alamo. What event will they move indoors
next, the moon landing? Oh, never
mind. It's no wonder the Roadrunners are
only 2-4 on the road, considering that they play in this ball of gloom for half
the season. When they set foot outside
and encounter sunlight, they probably react like Fast Eddie Felson when the
window shades at the pool hall are pulled up.
At the Alamo, about 200 Texans and
Tennesseans went up against more than 2,000 of Santa Ana's men, which seemed at
the time like they were defying the odds.
Little did they know that 85 years later, it would turn out that
analytics said to go for it.
East Carolina 50, UTSA 42
Utah State at Fresno State
The Bulldog defense has dominated
Boise State (30-7) and Wyoming (24-3) to keep the team in the running for a bid
to the Mountain West championship game, where they would be looking to avenge
an ugly shutout loss to San Diego State.
The 5-5 Aggies might have blown
their best chance to become bowl-eligible last week in Las Vegas, when they led
UNLV on three different occasions before letting a 29-26 decision slip away in
double-overtime. Senior scrambler Bryson
Barnes had a little trouble hitting the broad side, completing only 19 of 38,
but he did pile up 256 passing yards, and another 124 on the ground.
USU is named the Aggies, but it is
the Bulldogs who will be wearing special uniforms to celebrate their "ag
roots," with their helmets adorned with the familiar "V" to represent the San
Joaquin Valley, and images of fruits and vegetables embedded in the uniform
numbers. In keeping with this theme, all
of the FSU players will be ceremonially smuggled into the stadium in a stolen
U-Haul.
Fresno State 16, Utah State 10
Minnesota at Northwestern
The Wildcats lost last week's game
against Michigan at Wrigley Field at the last second, and they can't even blame
it on fan interference. A costly holding
penalty caused them to go three-and-out on their final possession, giving the
Wolverines the ball with enough time to drive for the decisive field goal. The 24-22 setback means they must upend
either Minnesota or Illinois in order to go to a bowl game.
On their four previous road trips,
the Golden Gophers have had their tunnels caved in on them, in gruesome losses
to California (27-14), Ohio State (42-3), Iowa (41-3) and Oregon (42-13). However, this is not a long road trip, nor is
the game against a powerhouse opponent.
The Cats are hosting their second
consecutive game at Wrigley this week, perhaps in honor of Cubs legend Ernie
Banks, who was fond of saying, "Let's play two." His team got swept in lots of doubleheaders, you
know.
Minnesota 35, Northwestern 27
Duke at North Carolina
The Chapel of Love has been anything
but for the home team, which is 2-3 there this year, with wins against Stanford
and Division I-AA Richmond. Even in the
Tar Heels' 20-15 victory against the Cardinal, they gained only 253 yards and
committed eleven penalties.
UNC needs to take its two remaining
games against intrastate conference opponents, after getting whacked by Wake
Forest in their first one, 28-12 last week in Winston-Salem. The ground game continued to go almost
nowhere, gaining just 56 yards on 24 carries.
Through ten games, they have only nine rushing touchdowns, which is
second-worst in the ACC, ahead of only Stanford.
The Blue Devils (5-5, 4-2) are still
in the running for a berth in the ACC championship game, although their chances
aren't nearly as good after a 34-17 loss to first-place Virginia. They've failed on two consecutive tries to
become bowl-eligible, however, and they finish the season against a formidable
Wake Forest team.
When you think of legendary coaches
and NC, Dean Smith naturally comes to mind, along with his rival in Durham,
Coach K. Out of all the great college
basketball coaches, though, Belichick probably identifies with Syracuse coach
Jim Boeheim, and not because he's a snappy dresser.
Duke 37, North Carolina 19
Uconn at Florida Atlantic
It's not as if the Huskies are
playing against their traditional rivals from Central Florida or anything, but
they should enjoy this road trip to Rat Mouth.
Most seasons, they would treat this as if it were their bowl game, but
the Independent program that was spurned by its own school has clinched a
winning record for a second year in a row.
At 4-6, FAU needs to win in order to
make its season finale against East Carolina meaningful. The Burrowing Owls haven't been to a bowl
game since the Covid-shortened 2020 season, when they went 5-4 and represented
Conference USA in a 25-10 loss to Memphis in the Montgomery Bowl. That game was hastily scheduled by ESPN to
have something to put on the air after the Fenway Bowl was canceled. Not exactly one for the time capsule.
Burrowing Owls don't actually
burrow. They only take up residence in
existing burrows after other animals have done all the work. An ideal mascot to represent the students at
practically any university, anywhere.
Uconn 46, Florida Atlantic 34
Missouri State at Kennesaw State
The upstart Owls choked on Chicken
Picasso last week, in a 35-26 loss at Jacksonville State. With that first conference defeat, they fall
into a tie with Mo State, one game back of JSU for first place in Conference
USA. Mind you, none of this matters much
unless The Powers That Be Stupid put aside their moronic rule that prohibits
these "transitional" first and second-year Division I-A teams from playing in
the postseason.
The D I-A debutante Bears (7-3, 5-1)
have lost only to USC, SMU and Western Kentucky, which have a combined record
of 23-7. Last week, they won their fifth
game in a row, 38-24 over UTEP.
Quarter-century-old quarterback Jacob Clark was dropping dimes on the Miners,
passing for 330 yards and four touchdowns.
KSU's home field is Fifth Third
Stadium, which must mean it's a fifth of a third of the way finished, having a
capacity of only 10,200. With no plans
for expansion, and therefore no ability to host a quality nonconference
opponent, this school should never have been allowed to make the climb to
Conference USA.
Take an "n" out of Kennesaw, and you
have the first name of the first-ever commissioner of Major League Baseball. Kenesaw Mountain Landis was named after
Kennesaw Mountain in Georgia, where his father was wounded during the Civil
War, except that his parents misspelled it on his birth certificate. He is best remembered for banning players for
life for having consorted with gamblers.
This Sports History Moment has been
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Missouri State 29, Kennesaw State 20
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