The Original College Football Czar

Week 12

Week eleven in review: There was an upheaval in the rankings, as well as in the gizzards of Miami, Georgia and LSU fans. The previously unbeaten Hurricanes left their latest comeback unfinished, as they were taken out by Georgia Tech, 28-23. They remain among the top national contenders, however, unlike the Bayou Bengals, who are now completely out of the picture, and the Bulldogs, who have been pushed to the brink. Just as everybody expects and most fans dread, Alabama refuses to go away, breaking back into the Top Ten by blowing away rival Louisiana State.

The surprising parity in the SEC has boosted four Big Ten teams into the Top Five in the new CFP rankings. It appears at this time that four teams from each of those conferences is likely to get into the playoff, which places Bama, Ole Miss, Georgia and Texas A&M on the bubble, with two of them in, and two out.

R.I.P., John Robinson. The longtime coach began his career as an assistant for eleven years at Oregon, where he had played tight end. He eventually got his shot at a head coaching job, and made the most of it, with an excellent seven-year run at USC. After toiling for the next decade with some obscure barnstorming team known as the Rams, he returned to Southern Cal for six more seasons, and then went to UNLV for six more. While he was with the Rebels, there were those who questioned whether his heart was still in it, but you could tell that it was by how seriously he took the Fremont Cannon rivalry series. As long as Nevada-Las Vegas could not go unhyphenated, he reasoned, neither should Nevada-Reno, to which he always referred as UNR, never Nevada. A Wolf Pack fan once returned his hostility by throwing a plastic bottle that struck him in the head, but the coach brushed it off with a joke, suggesting that his own players cheered the assailant. For his career, Robinson compiled a record of 132-77-4 in college ball, and 75-68 in the NFL. He was 89.

One day after Robinson's passing, he was joined by Gerry Faust, also 89. Notre Dame took a controversial gamble in 1981 when it hired the legendary coach from Moeller High School in Cincinnati, even though he had no experience in the college game. The experiment did not go as well is it might have, with Faust finishing his five-year stint in South Bend with a record of 30-26-1. From there, he went on to a moderately successful nine-year run at Akron, which he guided during its debut in Division I-A.

Not only did the noon games stink last week, but the College Football Czar's performance in them was barely less pungent, as he went 1-5 during that window. The rest of the day's results were not enough to spare him an embarrassing sub-.500 mark for the week, at 9-10. For the season, his record stands at 119-87, for a .578 winning percentage.

Nov. 15

Wyoming at Colorado State

The battle for the Bronze Boot was a far more enjoyable game when it was played on the kind of terrain that would have made such footwear necessary. If anywhere in college football a game is in dire need of dirt, this is it.

CSU is the unlikeliest among all conference contenders, having sneaked out to a 4-0 mark in Mountain West play after going 2-3 outside the league. In a common theme across the nation, the Rams have benefited from not having to face favorites Boise State and UNLV in the regular season.

The 2-7 Cowboys turned to freshman quarterback Kaden Anderson in their last game, and in his first career start, he completed 20 of 29 for 342 yards, in a 49-45 win at New Mexico. Anderson saw his first significant action a week earlier, when he rallied his team to a late lead against Utah State, but USU came back to kick a last second field goal to win, 27-25.

If the Bronze Boot game were played indoors, it would become so dull and suffocating, that the movie Das Boot would be easily mistaken for it. That is, as long as you first took all of the German stuff out of it, which of course you would gladly do.

If football games were broadcast in German with subtitles, announcing cliches like "it all depends on the spot" would still be just as stupid.

Colorado State 26, Wyoming 16

UCLA at Washington

The Bruins (4-5, 3-4) have won three in a row, giving them a chance to finish coach DeShaun Foster's rookie season with a winning record. The former running back hopes he has finally found someone to turn to in his backfield, and that person is T.J. Harden, who ran for a season-high 125 yards.

Husky coach Jedd Fisch says Will Rogers will return as the starting quarterback this Friday, after the fifth-year, former Mississippi State slinger was benched during a 35-6 loss at Penn State. He completed 10 of 13 in that game, but for only 59 yards, with an interception. Freshman Demond Willamsjr fared little better in relief.

No, T.J. Harden was not a mediocre 1980s cop show starring a suddenly very Italian-looking William Shatner. The College Football Czar only thought he would mention this to give his readers another chance to laugh at Adrian Zmed.

UCLA 20, Washington 17

Nov. 16

Clemson at Pitt

In the latest production of Pitt and the pendulum, the Panthers' season has swung dramatically back in the direction where it was throughout their 3-9 campaign of 2023. It's a good thing they won those seven games while they could, because it is beginning to look like salvaging a winning season is the best they will be able to do. After hosting this Tiger team, they end the regular season with road games against Louisville and Boston College.

In a 24-19 home loss to Virginia, Panther quarterback Eli Holstein completed only 10 of 23 before he was pulled, apparently due to concussion concerns. Backup Nate Yarnell led his team to a second-half touchdown, but also threw two bad interceptions while going just 4-for-12. As if that weren't bad enough, Holstein helped get leading receiver Konata Mumpfield injured, by making him lay out for a pass that was beyond his reach.

The Tigers (7-2, 6-1) are already playing their final ACC game of the season, as they lead Miami (9-1, 5-1) for the second berth in the conference championship game. After this, the Paw Boys will pointlessly beat the Citadel silly, before finishing the regular season against cross-state rival South Carolina.

The College Football Czar will be attending this game with a pair of enormous speakers and a recording of "Sweet Caroline." But why would he do that, you may ask. He hates that song! Exactly. There are apparently rather a lot of banana-brains who go to the stadium just to sing the dopey song, after which they leave. Well, why should the Czar keep all of those awful people in his company through the end of the third quarter, when he can play the song two minutes into the game, and make them go away?

Clemson 27, Pitt 9

Penn State at Purdue

Coach Cashewhead drives the PSU faithful nuts with his inability to win the big game, but when you only play one big game throughout the regular season, that's not so bad. Unless Oregon is upset in its last two games, the Nittany Lions probably cannot overtake the OSU-Indiana winner for a berth in the Big Ten title game, but that just means they are likely to finish 11-1, making a CFP bid a cinch.

The Lions whacked Washington 35-6, but they did lose running back Nicholas Singleton and his 6.2 yard-per-carry average to an undisclosed injury. That might matter next week against Minnesota, but the rest of the offense should be able to beat the Boilermakers like The World's Biggest Drum in any case.

In three previous games against likely CFP teams, the Little Engine That Could Puke conked out early against Notre Dame 66-7, Oregon 35-0 and Ohio State 45-0. Last week in Columbus, they spent a surprising amount of time in OSU territory, but were kept off the scoreboard by an interception, two missed field goals and a fourth-down sack.

How do the Boilermakers know their drum is the biggest in the world? Easy, they don't bother checking. They simply declare it to be the bigliest, bestiest of all time, and people believe them. It works for you-know-who, doesn't it?

Penn State 44, Purdue 6

Baylor at West Virginia

Many Mountaineer fans want to be rid of head coach Neal Brown, which must make them a bit ambivalent about his ability to keep the team in contention in the Big XII. Last week's 31-24 victory over Cincinnati pulls WVU into a four-way tie for third place, one game behind Colorado.

Oh, deary dear, look what the cat dragged in to the postseason picture. It's the Waco kids, on a three-game winning streak of their own. With conference losses to Colorado, BYU and Iowa State, the Bears (5-4, 3-3) are among the small percentage of teams whose league schedule is more difficult as a result of expansion and elimination of divisions.

BU quarterback Sawyer Robertson has quietly had a very good season, with a completion percentage of 59.5, and 17 touchdowns to four INTs. In Week 8, he returned to his hometown of Lubbock and bounced Texas Tech 59-35, by throwing five TD passes and no picks, while completing 21 of 32 for 274 yards.

The College Football Czar has learned that the Waco Kid will be bringing Mongo to Morgantown, as an interpreter.

Baylor 24, West Virginia 21

Tennessee at Georgia

The Vols are one of three teams left in the SEC that has only one loss in conference play, the others being Texas A&M and Texas, who finish the regular season against each other. While the status of freshman QB Nico Iamaleava is in doubt, it has been league-leading rusher Dylan Sampson who has carried the offense, with 1,129 yards and counting.

The Bulldogs are down, but the same was true four weeks ago, when they jumped up and took a chomp out of then-#1 Texas. They won that game in spite of a three-INT day for quarterback Carson Beck, who threw his twelfth pick in last week's 28-10 defeat at Ole Miss, in which he compiled only 186 passing yards and no TDs. UGA's offensive troubles seem to play right into the hands of a Volunteer defense that hasn't given up more than 18 points in a single game all season.

As if that weren't enough, coach Kirby Smart has had to answer for the fact that second-string Bulldog safety Jake Pope was caught on video cavorting with Mississippi fans after the loss. The College Football Czar admits to having laughed some of his favorite beverage out his nostrils when he saw the video, but he has got to cut the kid some slack. Pope says he was unexpectedly greeted by some old friends, and he was merely happy to see them. How was his behavior any different from that of the NF-Holes, who happily socialize with opposing players right there on the football field, even after being eliminated from the playoffs?

Besides, Smart has got far bigger behavioral problems on his team to worry about. Since the beginning of last offseason, eight of his players have been arrested, most of them been for assorted acts of vehicular idiocy. Wide receiver Colbie Young, however, is facing the far more serious charge of battery and assault of a garden gnome. Didn't know there was a law against that? Well, the official charge is "battery and assault of an unborn child," but none of this year's countless campaign ads would dare use the phrase "unborn child," so the Czar figured it must no longer be permissible. Hence, the substitution.

Seriously, though, half of you were more ticked off when you thought Young might have assaulted a garden gnome.

Tennessee 30, Georgia 19

Oregon at Wisconsin

The depth of the Fighting Duck offense is being tested, with leading receiver Tez Johnson missing last week's game against Maryland, while leading rusher Jordan James was held out after only seven carries. UO still went on to beat the Terrapins 39-18, but they might be glad they don't have a rematch with Ohio State or Boise State at this particular time.

Sophomore quarterback Braedyn Locke would not be a lock for the starting job if the Badgers had much else to work with. He took over when Miami transfer Tyler Van Dyke was injured against Alabama in Week 3, and has proceeded to throw as many interceptions (8) as touchdowns.

The webfoots have evened this series at 3-3 by winning the last three games, including two meetings at the Rose Bowl, to end the 2011 and 2019 seasons. Their first win over UW was in the 2001 season opener in Eugene, by a final of 31-28. There's no particular reason for most people to remember that game, but former Badger coach and A.D. Barry Alvarez has whined about the officiating thrice daily ever since.

Alvarez has often been likened to Marlon Brando, not just because of his physical appearance, but because he reached a point in his career where people really didn't need to see or hear him anymore.

Oregon 35, Wisconsin 13

Arizona State at Kansas State

ASU (7-2, 4-2) is still within range of a Big XII title, but they had to get past Central Florida without rampaging running back Cam Skattebo, who missed the game with the ubiquitous undisclosed injury. Without him, the Sun Devils scraped up only 260 total yards, but still sneaked past UCF 35-31, thanks in part to a first-quarter touchdown on the return of a blocked punt. As of this writing, coach Kenny Dillingham considers his main offensive weapon to be questionable against K-State.

The Wildcats fell out of a conference championship berth with a 24-19 upset loss at Houston in Week 10. Still, if they win out, one Colorado loss will be all the help they'll need. Their chances would improve if running back D.J. Giddens got back in the groove, he says more or less poetically. Giddens has had his two lowest outputs of the season over the past three games, holding him five yards short of 1,000.

Somebody needs to start reminding these college football players to fill out their injury disclosure forms!

Kansas State 37, Arizona State 33

Tulane at Navy

In what is practically an elimination game in the American Athletic Conference, the Green Wave can keep its CFP hopes alive with a win, which would set up a clash with currently unbeaten Army in the conference championship game.

A win for the Midshipmen could create an Army-Navy matchup for the AAC championship, a week before the regularly scheduled Army-Navy game. If it happens, so be it, but it would be kind of like spoiling your dinner. The Czar would prefer to wait, and enjoy it the way it's supposed to be.

Darian Mensah is no relation to MENSA, that elitist group of people with high IQs, who get together to do nothing the tiniest bit constructive. To the contrary, Mensah has put his wits to work, leading TU to a 7-2 record while passing for more than 2,000 yards in his freshman year.

It's a little-known fact that MENSA was originally founded as a club for people with that not-so-fresh feeling.

Tulane 38, Navy 27

Boston College at SMU

This appears to be a mismatch in favor of Southern Methodist, but the same was true when these same teams met a year ago in the Fenway Bowl, where 6-6 BC shut out the 11-2 Mustangs in the second half of a 23-14 shocker. Thomas Castellano won the duel between dual-threat QBs with Kevin Jennings, by rushing for 156 yards and two TDs, to go along with 102 passing yards with one additional score. He will not get the chance to duplicate that feat, because coach Bill O'Brien has announced that former Florida International QB Grayson James will get the start.

The Mustangs' record is marred only by an 18-15 loss to a still-unbeaten Brigham Young team, back in Week 2. Even though they're in a power conference now, their schedule would have been too weak to keep them in the CFP chase prior to this season's playoff expansion. Hooray for lower standards!

Predictably, Castellanos left the Eagles immediately and declared that he will enter the transfer portal, where news reports insist he is highly sought-after. By whom, angry gamblers?

SMU 41, Boston College 22

Missouri at South Carolina

The Tigers turned the tables on Oklahoma in the fourth quarter of their 30-23 victory. OU had scored a touchdown to tie the game, and then followed that up with a TD on a fumble return to lead by seven. After Mizzou came back to drive for the equalizer, defensive end Zion Young scooped up a Sooner fumble and took it back 17 yards for the winning score.

The 6-3 Gamecocks are 2-3 against ranked opponents, having upended A&M and belted Vanderbilt in their past two games. Between them, Raheim Sanders rushed for a total of 270 yards and four touchdowns, finally recapturing his form of two years ago, when he was at Arkansas.

It's a good thing they don't have to wear school ties to this game, given the location of each school in its state. Nobody wants to wear a Columbia necktie.

South Carolina 26, Missouri 14

Boise State at San Jose State

Just when BSU looked like a sure thing for the group-of-five CFP bid, it stumbled to an uncomfortable 28-21 win against visiting Nevada. The most unsettling part is that it wasn't even an off-game for RB Ashton Jeantry, who rushed for 209 yards and three scores.

The Spartans (6-3, 3-2) could pull the upset this week, and then again in their next game against UNLV, and still not make it to the Mountain West championship game. Nevertheless, they have become bowl-eligible with a quality nonconference victory, 24-13 at Oregon State. Quarterback Walter Eget has no regrets after passing for 395 yards on only 18 completions.

SJSU includes an accent mark on its jerseys, even though everybody knows how to pronounce "Jose." Most of us mispronounce "Boise" with a Z-sound, on the other hand, so why don't the Broncos put that little smiley symbol over the S to signify that it is soft? Perhaps because they're not a bunch of supercilious barfbrains like their Bay Area rivals. Just an hunch.

Boise State 32, San Jose State 18

Syracuse at California

The Orange have not fared well outdoors this season, barely beating a bewildered Nc State team, falling apart in Pittsburgh, and beingbeaten at Boston College a week ago. At least QB Kyle McCord came back with a big game against BC, with 392 yards, two TDs and no picks.

It took the Golden Bears all the way until November to notch their first ACC victory, 46-36 at Wake Forest, after losing their first four conference games by a combined total of nine points. Theyve gone unbeaten against a fairly good nonconference slate, including wins against Auburn and Oregon State, to pull within one game of bowl eligibility.

Otto had better be careful on this road trip. Last time he went to California, he spent the night with a nice little tangerine, only to discover she was really a clementine. Exactly how he found this out, he refuses to say.

Syracuse 28, California 24

James Madison at Old Dominion

At 7-2, the Dukes are easily in position to return to the postseason, even after having head coach Curt Cignetti and QB Jordan McCloud poached during the offseason. In conference play, they are only tied with ODU for third place in the Sun Belt East, a game behind Georgia Southern and Marshall.

Once 0-3, the Monarchs fought a long way back to the .500-mark, just to commit four turnovers in a costly 28-20 loss to Appalachian State. Now, they must knock off JMU or Marshall in order to become bowl-eligible.

Funny a formidable football team being named after such a famously diminutive president. You'd think they'd be playing midget football.

Sorry, but what the College Football Czar meant was "teensy-weensy person" football. He certainly did not intend to say anything demeaning.

James Madison 33, Old Dominion 25

South Florida at Charlotte

Even if you've never seen 49er coach Biff Poggi, you could guess that Alex Golesh won't be slapping his hand away after the game.

Poggi's Pick-Cs are only 3-6, but their losses have been to James Madison, North Carolina, Indiana, Navy, Memphis and Tulane. Their only victories, however, have been against Division I-AA Gardner-Webb, and two teams that have since fired their head coaches.

USF has followed the same pattern, losing to Alabama, Miami, Tulane, Memphis and Navy, but beating nobody better than UAB. Neither of these teams has faced an opponent that might be considered middle-echelon until this week.

The Bulls don't have a single rusher anywhere near 1,000 yards, but the totals for running backs Kelley Joiner, Nay'Quan Wright and Ta'Ron Keith add up to 998. This is often referred to as "running back by committee," but have you ever heard of a committee actually being that productive? Instead of carrying the ball downfield, they would be blathering about circling back to take a deep dive into the headwinds, while trying to decide whether to have bagels or muffins at the next meeting.

South Florida 21, Charlotte 12

Michigan State at Illinois

The Spartans (4-5, 2-4) have had a badly needed week off since getting the spittoon beaten out of them by Indiana, 47-10. MSU rushed for minus-36 yards in that game, partly because it allowed seven sacks.Leading rusher Kay'Ron Lynch-Adams still needs a couple numeric characters to qualify as a password, which might allow him entrance into the end zone. The senior has only scored two TDs this year, and has not had a 100-yard rushing game since the opening game against Florida Atlantic. Not that his 4.8 yard-per-carry average is bad, but he's getting fewer than 11 carries per game.

The Fighting Illini have lost three of their last five, but it's worse than that. One of those wins was against Purdue in overtime, and how big a deal is it to beat Michigan, anyway? In a 25-17 Week 10 home loss to Minnesota, quarterback Luke Altmeyer fumbled twice, one of those while threatening inside the 20 with a half minute to play.

No wonder MSU has no intimidation factor, since it nicknames itself Sparty. Imagine if Spartacus went by that same handle. "I'm Sparty! I'm Sparty!" It would sound like the beginning of The Mickey Mouse Club.

Illinois 18, Michigan State 13

Florida Atlantic at Temple

It's a battle for bragging rights, as the winners will become the second-bestest Owlses in the American Athletic Conference, with dreams of becoming as good as Rice one day.

FAU quarterback Cam Fancher left last week's 49-14 eviscerating by East Carolina with a shoulder injury. Freshman Kasen Weisman, who was unceremoniously punted by Coach Prime out of Colorado, proved to be serviceable, and might as well start from here on.

Like the visitors from Rat Mouth, TU is 2-7, but It is among the few teams that do not play a lower-division opponent. It has faced a significantly tougher schedule, with losses to Oklahoma, Navy, Army and Tulane. The feathered Philadelphians have finally settled on a quarterback, with Evan Simon proving to be less of a liability and more of a downfield threat than Forrest Brock.

Wasn't "Feathered Philadelphians" an Elton John song? If not, it deserves to be.

Temple 37, Florida Atlantic 24

Cincinnati at Iowa State

The Cyclones are spiraling out of conference title contention, after a wild 45-36 defeat against Kansas in Airhead Stadium. They would have had no L if it had been up to Jaylin Noel, who made eight receptions for 167 yards and two touchdowns, but the ISU defense, which surrendered 532 total yards, had other ideas. Following a home loss to Texas Tech, that result drops I-State into a third-place tie in the Big XII standings.

There will be no more talk about the Bearcats (5-4, 3-3) being in the race, at least not by anybody unloony. Cincy's second-half schedule has caught up with them, dealing them defeats against Colorado and West Virginia, with Kansas State and TCU remaining ahead. Last week, they held WVU to just nine first downs, but gave away the game, 31-24, on two defensive TDs.

Sorry, that's Arrowhead Stadium. Airhead is the name of its most famous inhabitant.

Iowa State 29, Cincinnati 20

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone