The Original College Football Czar

Week 12

Week eleven in review: The tall trees are still standing, but a lot of the underbrush has been cleared, with six teams ranked from 9-18 having been beaten. By the College Football Czar's fancy ciphering, there are now nine teams, including longshot Louisville, that have realistic chances of playing in the CFP, a number that inevitably will dwindle further. This begs the question, for what non-lardheaded reason should the field be expanded to twelve? Because we still need to include Ole Miss and Penn State in the playoff? Haven't they already played their way off?

Late last Saturday night, Fresno State and Air Force each lost for the second time of the season, basically eliminating the entire Mountain West Conference from contention for the group-of-five New Year's Bowl bid. That race has basically boiled down to Tulane, SMU, Toledo and Liberty, with James Madison still being ineligible.

One unfortunate facet of November football is that it means the firing season is upon us, and the first to go is no surprise. Sixth-year coach Jimbo Fisher has been dismissed from Texas A&M, where he finishes with an overall record of 45-25. At most schools, that's more than good enough, but the ampersanders have been expecting to contend in the SEC ever since they were first admitted in 2012. Since Fisher took over in 2018, they have only been in one New Year's Six game, and even that accomplishment is devalued by the fact that it happened during the Covid-shortened season of 2020. Nevertheless, A&M signed him to a massive extension after that year, for which it will reportedly have to pay him a staggering $76 million buyout. That's more than three times more than the previous record.

Also fired, but far less lucratively so, is Boise State skipper Andy Avalos. Like Fisher, Avalos has a record that most programs would consider successful, at 22-14, but the tater-staters are no longer dominating the ranks of the group-of-five schools the way they used to. In fact, in each of the previous four full seasons before his hiring, the Broncos had a better record than they have in any of his three seasons.

Mississippi State has kept rookie head coach Zach Arnett on an incredibly short leash, halting his tenure after less than one full season. Including last year's ReliaQuest Bowl victory over Illinois, his record is 5-6, which certainly doesn't seem to justify such a rash decision, but MSU simply had a case of buyer's remorse. They had initially elevated Arnett to interim head coach after the sudden death of Mike Leach, and kept him on full time apparently in an emotionally-driven decision because the players were loyal to him. Now that the initial enthusiasm has subsided, they're not very happy with the way things are going. It's a wonder this doesn't happen more often.

The Czar has finally strung together two good weeks in a row, going 15-4 in Week 11. For the season, his record stands at 136-77, for a .638 winning percentage.

Nov. 17

Colorado at Washington State

Back in September, this had the makings of a blockbuster, but it would be unkind to rewind the season since that point, with the Cougars having collapsed for six consecutive losses, while the Buffaloes have dropped six of their past seven.

Two games after CU made a change in offensive play callers, it is still making no effort to run the ball. In last week's 34-31 loss to Arizona, the Buffalo running backs combined for a total of 48 yards on 17 attempts, for an average of 2.8 per carry.

Wazzu fell by a field goal for a second week in a row, as their fourth-quarter rally fell short against the Cal Bears, 42-39. Quarterback Cam Ward threw for 354 yards and three TDs, but it took him 59 pass attempts to do it. In addition to its inefficiency, the Cougar offense gave away 21 points on touchdowns scored on fumble returns.

The Buffs have played one previous late night Friday game, which of course was when they choked away a 29-0 halftime lead against Stanford to lose in double-overtime. Was it coincidental that they turned into a Jackass O'Lantern right at midnight Eastern time, after coach Deion Sanders had whined about the late kickoff time during the week? The College Football Czar suspects not. Any circumstance can be reacted to in a number of ways, so this game could be seen as a great opportunity for redemption, but there has been little evidence so far that this team possesses that kind of resiliency.

Who would have expected Mr. Cool Guy to be so worried about being out late on a Friday night?

Washington State 50, Colorado 44

Nov. 18

Rutgers at Penn State

The Nittany Lions are 8-2, with losses only to national championship contenders Ohio State and Michigan. Nevertheless, their underachievement on offense has been remarkable enough that they have fired offensive coordinator Mike Yurcich. While head coach James Franklin searches for a permanent replacement, Yurcich's duties will be split between running backs coach Ja'Juan Seider and tight ends coach Ty Howle. The College Football Czar admits he wouldn't know either of these people from Whoopi Goldberg, but he wonders about the wisdom of elevating an RB coach who has gotten so little out of two such excellent backs as Kaytron Allen and Nicholas Singleton.

The Scarlet Knights were squelched for 127 total yards last week at Iowa, but the greater disappointment against that Hawkeye team is the number of points they allowed, in a decisive 22-0 defeat. Two weeks ago, they became bowl-eligible at 6-2, but now, with the likelihood of a 6-5 mark before finishing the regular season against Maryland, a winning season is anything but a sure thing.

When the Big Ten last expanded in 2014, did it intentionally add East Coast schools that would be sure to pump up PSU? The Lions are 31-2 all time against this RU team, and 42-3-1 against Maryland. Even Temple has had more success against them than that.

How ironic it is that all but one of the cast members of a TV show called The View would be absolutely unlookatable.

Penn State 27, Rutgers 10

Cincinnati at West Virginia

The Bearcats finally captured their first-ever Big XII win, 24-14 at Houston. The victory snapped a seven-game losing streak that began with an upset loss to traditional nonconference foe Miami Ohio. Running back Corey Kiner cornered the market on offense, as he rushed for 129 yards and two touchdowns.

WVU quarterback Garrett Greene only completed 10 of 27 passes in a 59-20 annihilation at Oklahoma last week, but freshman Nicco Marchiol went 0-for-4 in relief. If one of those guys were to ride on the other's shoulders, they could combine to form Phil Jurkovec.

Although UC had some very good years in the Big East, its all-time record against the Mountaineers is only 3-12, the worst it has fared against any of its former foes from that conference, with the exception of Miami. In Morgantown, they're 2-7.

The visitors hail from a place that's known as the Queen City, but contrary to popular belief, it was not so named after Marge Schott. It's easy to see how such a misunderstanding could occur. Marge once donated an elephant to the Cincinnati Zoo, which she named Princess Schottzie. The resemblance was uncanny.

Where does the College Football Czar get off making fun of other people's appearances? I mean, you can see from the image at the top of this page that he's an handsome chap, but that's no excuse!

West Virginia 23, Cincinnati 16

Georgia at Tennessee

The College Football Czar is kicking himself for picking Tennessee to beat Missouri last week. He had completely forgotten the disgraceful way the Volunteers ran the score up on the Tigers for "eye test" points last season. The bottled-up bitterness from that game, combined with an improved Mizzou team and having to play this year's game in Columbia, should have all added up to a fairly accurate prediction of the 36-7 spanking that UT took in Week 10.

The Bulldogs buried ninth-ranked Ole Miss 52-17, led by Kendall Milton's 127 yards and two touchdowns on just nine carries. Before the season, this looked as if it would be the biggest game on their schedule, but they've probably beaten better opponents in each of the past two weeks.

It's no surprise that the Vols are missing last year's quarterback, Hendon Hooker, but Joe Miltoniii does not have a single 300-yard game all season, whereas Hooker had five a year ago. As a team, they've dropped to fourth in the SEC this year in total offense, after leading the league in 2022.

It turns out there's no way to kick oneself hard enough for it to matter, which might make the Czar's form of self-punishment seem like a cop-out. Let the Czar assuage those concerns by saying, "It's on me." That usually does the trick, right?

Georgia 41, Tennessee 22

Washington at Oregon State

In a 35-28 escape against Utah, Husky QB Michael Penixjr had his lowest completion percentage in any game this season at 57.1, but that's because he had to take more aggressive shots downfield, and fewer safe screen passes. It used to be that a 24-for-42 performance was considered to be very good, and this one was, as he piled up 332 yards with two TDs and no interceptions.

UW had a chance to finally take command of that game late in the third quarter, when linebacker and Lardhead of the Year Award nominee Alphonzo Tuputala intercepted a pass and ran 76 yards, only to intentionally drop the ball before reaching the goal line, because he had to use his hands to do some buttbrained thing in the end zone. Unsportsmanlike conduct apologists like to call that kind of jerkery "fun," and for once the College Football Czar must agree, because it is definitely fun to see such an obnoxious attempt at self-congratulation backfire.

How many times do we have to see this before it is acknowledged not as an exceptional flukey play, but as a problem endemic to the game, and to sports in general? Had Tuputala's primary concern been scoring six points for the Washington Huskies, instead of directing more attention than was due to Alphonzo Tuputala, he would have made absolutely sure that he maintained possession of the ball until he was safely in the end zone. There was a time when a coach calling such behavior "a great lesson to learn from," as Kalen DeBoer did, was an understated way of saying the player would spend the following week running up and down the bleachers while carrying a cinder block. The Czar has absolutely no confidence that it means that today.

Damien Martinez turned some heads with a four-TD, 146-yard performance, as the Beavers obliterated Stanford 62-17. OSU is in control of its own destiny, which is a more optimistic way of saying that their remaining games are against the top two teams in the conference.

Memo to Alphonzo Tuputala, Kaelin Clay, Chad Johnson, Desean Jackson, and lardheads everywhere: Possession of the football is very important in this game. Why else do you think we call it football? Ever think of that?

Washington 44, Oregon State 40

Kansas State at Kansas

Already without starting quarterback Jalon Daniels, the Jayhawks lost Jason Bean in the first quarter against Texas Tech. Freshman third-stringer Cole Ballard came into the game, and was unable to generate much offense in a 16-13 defeat that took KU out of the running for the Big XII title game.

Defending conference champion K-State is in a four-way tie for second place. Last week, they bombarded Baylor for five first-half touchdowns in a 59-25 butt-stinging, the third time in four games that they outscored an opponent by 34 points or more.

This cross-state rivalry is billed as the Sunflower Showdown, because the participants spit sunflower seeds at each other from ten paces apart. That really shouldn't be encouraged. You could put an eye out like that.

All right, so you can't put an eye out by spitting sunflower seeds. The Czar just didn't want to appear insufficiently concerned about player safety.

Kansas State 38, Kansas 17

UNLV at Air Force

Without injured quarterback Zac Larrier and fullback Emmanuel Michel, the Lightning Eleven were bottled up for a second game in a row, this one a 27-13 late-night loss in Honolulu. The difficulties in replacing parts of a triple-option offense during a season have been made apparent by the AFA's amazingly bad turnover differentials against Army (minus-6) and Hawaii (minus-4).

The Rebels are now tied with the Falcons atop the Mountain West with identical overall and conference records (8-2, 5-1). Last Friday, they whacked Wyoming for three early touchdowns, and then walked away with a 34-14 victory, to pull within reach of their first conference title since they won the Big West in 1994.

Considering what goes on in the Centennial State these days, the traveling fans from Sin City can't wait to arrive there. They're especially excited that the AFA is located in Colorado Springs. Are those anything like roofies?

UNLV 28, Air Force 16

Michigan at Maryland

This was not an easy matchup for the mighty maize and blue a year ago, when they trailed the Terps early in the second half, but took control on two Blake Corum TD runs before having to hold on by a final of 34-27.

The Terrapins became bowl-eligible with a 13-10 win at Nebraska, in spite of committing three turnovers and ten penalties. It helped that they got five takeaways of their own, even though they only converted them for two field goals.

The big question this week is who is going to coach this Wolverine team, since Jim Harbaugh has been suspended by the Big Ten as a result of its sign-stealing investigation, and by the time this game kicks off, interim coach Sherrone Moore might have been hauled away to a rubber stadium somewhere. In the postgame interview after last week's 24-15 win over Penn State, Sherrone said "Thank the Lord," and then followed up with a series of expletives, including an F-bomb. Tears streaming down his face, he expressed his devotion to Harbaugh so overzelously that the head coach was probably watching on his hotel TV and thinking, "I would have wanted it this way."

Who would have guessed that the head coach who looks like Michael Douglas in Falling Down was not the looniest guy on his staff?

Michigan 37, Maryland 21

North Carolina at Clemson

Tiger coach Dabo Swinney's behavior on his own radio show may be kind of embarrassing, but if that's what it takes to turn a season around, so be it. Since trading jabs with Tyler of Spartanburg, Swinney has gotten his team bowl-eligible at 6-4, knocking off Notre Dame 31-23, and then taking apart Georgia Tech 42-21.

The Tar Heels (8-2, 4-2) have won back-to-back games since dropping two in a row, but that does not mean that their slump has ended. Clobbering a sub-.500 Campbell team from Division I-AA can't do much for their confidence, and ditto that for a 47-45 double-overtime win against Lincoln Riley-less Duke. For only the third time of the season, they head out on the road, where they lost to Georgia Tech last time out, and didn't play particularly well at Pitt.

When these teams met in last year's ACC championship, the Paw Boys pulverized UNC by a final of 39-10. Freshman wide receiver Cole Turner's knob went up to eleven that day, as he gained 101 yards on only three receptions. Turner has been out for this season ever since Week 3, however, when he suffered multiple tears to his adductor muscles.

"Vy adduct? Vy not a cheeken?"

Clemson 27, North Carolina 20

Utah at Arizona

Between these two teams, it is the Wildcats who still have a shot at the Pac 12 championship, after pulling out a 34-31 win over Colorado to climb into a third-place tie with Oregon State. The U of A never led the Buffaloes until its chip shot field goal split the uprights as time expired. Sophomore running back Jonah Coleman had consecutive carries for 21 and 24 yards on that final drive, giving him a total of 179 yards on only eleven carries for the game.

Nevertheless, the Utes really shouldn't be the lower-ranked of the two, having lost only to Oregon State, Oregon and Washington. The Cats are 7-3 also, but that includes an early setback against a Mississippi State team that just fired its head coach.

Except for a power outage against Oregon, the Ute offense has remained remarkably consistent in spite of persistent personnel losses. One offensive leader who has managed to stay in the lineup is WR Devaughn Vele, who made five catches for 145 yards in last week's 35-28 loss at Washington.

In the third quarter, the Utes drove from their own 20 all the way down to the Husky 14-yard line with a chance to take the lead. After Alphonzo Tuputala gave (not "gifted") them a second chance by dropping his interception return short of the goal line, they got dropped for a safety on the very next play, and then gained only four yards on their last seven offensive plays of the game.

You might notice that you never hear a coach say, "we gifted them hell," or a cheerleader say, "gift me an A!" That's just because not everybody is a pretentious rattlenoggin.

Utah 31, Arizona 30

Illinois at Iowa

The Hawkeyes have become something of a laughing stock because of the lack of scoring in their games, but of course half of that equation is that they are shutting down their opponents, which they did very effectively in last week's 22-0 snuffing of Rutgers. The U of I now holds a two-game lead in the Big Ten West, and at 8-2, they're the only team in the division with a winning overall record.

Luke Altmeyer returns at quarterback for the Fighting Illini, but whether or not he will play is another question. It sure seems like freshman John Paddock should have a padlock on the position at this point. Coming in late for the injured Altmeyer against Minnesota, Paddock completed all three of his pass attempts, including a 46-yard game-winning touchdown. A week later, in his first career start, he threw for 507 yards in a 48-45 overtime victory over Indiana.

Last year's 9-6 Illini victory evened the all-time series at 38-38-2. Yet, unlike many less competitive Big Ten series, this one does not award a trophy. Both states begin with the letter I, and both team names end with the sound I, so give the Czar one good reason why they don't make a trophy in the shape of an I, and call it the I-in-Team Trophy?

All right, already! The Czar said one good reason. Sheesh!

Iowa 15, Illinois 12

California at Stanford

Left Coast elitists wittily refer to this annual rivalry as The Big Game, which it is, as far as college football fans are concerned. All the ones who reside somewhere between Petaluma and Turlock, anyway. Seriously, when all discussions about a series begin and end with one game that was played more than 40 years ago, it's not that big a game. It is usually evenly matched, though, and this year's edition is no exception.

The Golden Bears kept their season alive with three defensive touchdowns in a 42-39 win over Washington State. If they can turn away the trees, they will be playing for a bowl bid when they travel to UCLA to end the regular season.

It has been a weak crop this year down on The Farm, where the Cardinal are 0-5 in home games, including three blowout losses by five touchdowns or more, and a 30-23 upset at the hands of Division I-AA Sacramento State.

These teams play for the Stanford Axe, but it cannot be wielded like the Paul Bunyan Axe that goes to the winner of the Wisconsin-Minnesota game. The Stanford Axe has no handle, but is just an axe head affixed to a plaque, which cannot be perceived as a threat to anybody.

Liberals take the fun out of everything, don't they?

California 36, Stanford 24

SMU at Memphis

The Tigers (8-2, 5-1) are still in the running for the championship of the American Athletic Conference, but in their last three games, they've barely been eking out wins against the also-rans of the conference. Last Saturday in Charlotte, they had to rally from ten points down in the fourth quarter to fight off the 49ers, 44-38 in overtime, in a game that was marred by a total of eight turnovers, four for each team.

The Mustangs (8-2, 6-0) have scored 36 points or more in every one of their conference games so far. Their overall 40.5 point per game average leads the league, and ranks seventh in the nation, in between Georgia and North Carolina.

In case there's any doubt that conferences have gotten too big, Southern Methodist, Tulane and Texas-San Antonio all still undefeated in AAC play, because none of them has yet played either of the other two. UTSA does face Tulane next wee, but then it does not play Memphis. Next thing you know, some lardhead will suggest expanding conference championships to four teams, just to be fair.

The College Football Czar wishes he was joking about that.

SMU 52, Memphis 42

Nc State at Virginia Tech

These teams are in a three-way tie with North Carolina for third place in the ACC, but each of them has already lost to second-place Louisville, which makes it nearly impossible for either of them to catch up.

The Gobblers gained an even 600 yards as they bulldozed Boston College 48-22, to improve to 5-5. QB Kyron Drones is no longer flying under the radar, after rushing for a season-high 135 yards, to go along with 219 through the air.

Wolfpack head coach Dave Doeren says he was surprised by sophomore quarterback M.J. Morris' decision to redshirt himself after starting for the past four games. This is no way to run a football team. Redshirts belong to the coach, not the players. He decides under what circumstances to redshirt a player, or take off a redshirt, based on what he thinks is best for his team. It is not something that is supposed to be up to a player's discretion, such that he can dictate to his coach when he will or will not play. Has Morris decided that when he returns next season, he will be the starter? Just how great a sense of entitlement does this guy have, and why in the world is it being accommodated? NCSU has just become bowl eligible at 6-3. If Morris is going to quit on them at this point, he does not deserve to ever play for them again, and Doeren should say so.

This was outrageous behavior when D'Eriq King did it when he was at the University of Houston, and he was still considered a very valuable player at that time. Who does Morris think he is, that he can tell his coach he refuses to play again this season, but he expects his position to be kept available for him next year? He has completed 55.8 percent of his passes, while topping the 200-yard mark only once in four games, and throwing seven TDs to five interceptions. If Doeren isn't confident that he can find somebody else to do at least that much for him, he ought to just resign right now.

Even Morris the Cat was not irreplaceable. And everybody liked him.

Virginia Tech 19, Nc State 13

UCLA at USC

Perhaps it's not too late for 2022 Heisman Trophy winner Caleb Williams to learn a lesson. He and his team lost another big game, this time to Oregon, 36-27, but afterward he remained composed and sportsmanlike. There are those who don't like the criticism he's taken for his postgame behavior in recent weeks, but it just might have done him some good.

The Great Rose Bowl Locker Room Caper has been solved, and it turned out to be Bruin recruits who robbed the Colorado players while they were out on the playing field. If the dismissal of coach Chip Kelly wasn't coming already, this incident may have clinched it. Who brings recruits to the stadium, allows them access to the locker rooms, and leaves them completely unsupervised? Furthermore, how much better could the blue bears be next season, if people of this caliber are the one he's bringing into the fold?

Kelly won't say who will be this year's starting QB, but in last week's 17-7 loss to Arizona State, former Kent-Stater Coline Schlee became the third one this season, and his 11-for-18 performance was not the reason his team lost. The coach claims that the cause of his conundrum is that all three of his quarterbacks are so swell that it's hard to decide among them. The numbers say that Ethan Garbers is head-and-shoulders above the other two.

It's kind of obvious that Kelly fancies himself a genius, but he never has learned his lesson from that time he had the top of his hat stolen.

USC 23, UCLA 14

Louisville at Miami

Informally dubbed the Schnellenberger Bowl, this game matches teams that had been coached by the legendary Howard Schnellenberger, the man who put Hurricane football on the map without their having to behave like the bunch of posterior pickles. That reputation came later, during the Jimmy Johnson-Dennis Erickson-Butch Davis era. Mario Cristobal is the latest of several Cane coaches who has tried to expunge that element from the program, but he is having his difficulties, and no wonder. Anybody who is good enough to play for Miami, but does not want to carry the taint of its team history, will be wanted by plenty of other power-five teams.

In 1990, Schnellenberger led Llluvll to a 10-1-1 season, which culminated in a 34-7 blowout of Alabama in the Fiesta Bowl. This year's Cardinal team, currently at 8-1, stands a chance of surpassing that mark. When they make their case for the CFP, however, the big question will be who was the one team to whom they lost, and what could they say? "Um, I'll have to circle back with you on that one."

The College Football Czar has always found it peculiar for the Canes to call themselves The U, because it sounds uncharacteristically selfless. If Louisville is The Ville, then it stands to reason that Miami would adopt the moniker The Me.

Louisville 28, Miami 27

Florida at Missouri

Going back to this time last November, the Gators have lost 5 out of 6 on the road, their only win being a 41-39 squeaker over South Carolina in Week 7. Last week, they were slammed for 701 total yards in Baton Rouge, in a 52-35 loss to LSU. Both facets of the UF defense were almost equally ugly, as it yielded 372 passing yards, and another 329 on the ground.

Currently #9 in the nation, the Tigers no longer stand a chance of winning the SEC, but they would play in a New Year's Six bowl game if they are able to close out the regular season by beating both UF and Arkansas.

Coach Billy Napier appears to be headed for a second losing season in as many years in Gainesville. As competitive as the SEC is, and with Jimbo Fisher available, the Gators just might decide they need somebody a little less napie.

It's no wonder the Gators don't travel well, since they've been known to become luggage. Besides, it really ticks them off that they're not allowed to bring little bottles of shampoo onto the airplane.

So what if they're bald. It's the principle of the thing!

Missouri 33, Florida 25

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone