The Original College Football Czar

Week 11

Week ten in review: Depending on which poll you look at, either six or seven ranked teams were defeated by lower-ranked or unranked opponents, including Penn State, Iowa State and Pitt, all of whom had been previously unbeaten. It didn't take long for Texas A&M to be toppled from first place in the SEC, causing a logjam of five teams with one loss apiece, while three others are still in the running at 3-2.

The number of contenders for the group-of-five CFP berth has been whittled down further, with AAC contenders Navy and Memphis each being defeated for the second time. According to the College Football Czar's thoroughly scientific distillation of data, the remaining contenders for that bid are as follows: Boise State (7-1), Army (8-0), Tulane (7-2), Louisiana-Lafayette (7-1) and UNLV (6-2). Among those, BSU is far enough better than the rest of the field that it should still be the top contender even if it takes a second defeat. If you're wondering where the MAC fits into all of this, it doesn't, because there is already nobody left in that league that has fewer than three losses.

As long as the Czar is making postseason projections, here is the way he sees the entire 12-team field playing out. Top four seeds: Oregon, Georgia, Miami, Brigham Young. First-round matchups: (12) Indiana at (5) Texas; (11) Texas A&M at (6) Ohio State; (10) Notre Dame at (7) Penn State; (9) Boise State at (8) Tennessee. Naturally, the exclusion of this week's Alabama-LSU winner from this scenario would trigger immediate calls for expansion to 16 teams.

If you don't like those matchups, never fear, for the Czar has not been at the peak of his clairvoyance lately, going only 8-10 in Week 10. Having taken a drubbing in the prime time games, he hoped to be able to recover with the late, West Coast kickoffs, but tweren't any! This should never happen. With 59 Division I-A football games being played during the week, there's no way it should all have ended before midnight Saturday. For the season, the Czar's record stands at 110-77, for a .588 winning percentage.

Nov. 8

California at Wake Forest

In Week 9, the Golden Bears bullied former Pac 12 foe Oregon State 44-7 to improve to 4-4, but they remain winless in ACC play. Those four losses have been by a combined total of nine points, however, suggesting that at least three of their four remaining games are winnable.

The Sneakin' Deacons area surprising 4-4 after winning back-to-back road games at Uconn and Stanford. With another win that few people would notice, they would be on the cusp of postseason eligibility. The key to their comeback has been the quiet success of running back Demond Claiborne, who has rushed for 711 yards this season, while adding another 157 yards on 14 receptions.

Cal quarterback Fernando Mendoza is having a productive season, with more than 2,000 passing yards and a good TD-to-INT ratio, but he isn't getting a great deal of help. The 28 times he has been sacked are second-most of any QB in major college football, behind only Brayden Schager of Hawaii, with 30. Happily for him, Wake has the worst pass defense in the ACC, and has only ten sacks as a team through eight games.

The College Football Czar has concluded that the state of North Carolina is the root of all evil. It's the home of both the Demon Deacons and the Blue Devils, and also another team whose mascot is an anthropomorphic goat. Furthermore, it is the birthplace of Andy Griffith. Case closed.

California 35, Wake Forest 31

Rice at Memphis

Is Owl interim head coach Pete Alamar something to be alamarmed about? In his debut, his team took down a heavily favored Navy squad, 24-10. There's really no reason for this team to have been so inept under Mike Bloomgren, who was dismissed with a record of 24-52. Rice (3-6, 2-3) statistically has the second-best defense in the American Athletic Conference, the league's fourth-leading passer in E.J. Warner, and its sixth-leading rusher in Dean Connors.

There's little that is official about the CFP, but surely the Tigers (7-2, 3-2) are out of the running for the group-of-five bid after getting toasted by Texas-San Antonio, 44-36. Senior slinger Seth Henigan threw for 454 yards and four scores, but he and his team went 0-for-4 on fourth-down conversion attempts, three of which were only for one yard each.

Memphis is the home of Graceland, which was almost foreclosed upon earlier this year. Elvis is actually buried there, so it's a good thing the property has remained in the Presley family. I mean, imagine having to try to pick him up and move him.

Rice 30, Memphis 27

Nov. 9

Virginia at Pitt

If suggestions that the Panthers might play for the ACC championship sounded ridiculous, they don't anymore. That's because nobody is suggesting it. In last week's widely anticipated matchup with SMU, they tackled as if they were afraid of getting the smoo all over themselves. The embarrassment that had been inflicted upon them, largely by themselves, was not nearly reflected in the 48-25 final score.

The Cavaliers are yet another 4-4 ACC team, but one whose chances of becoming bowl-eligible don't look very good at this point. Having been knocked around by North Carolina last time out, they finish the season against Notre Dame, SMU and Virginia Tech.

The season seems to be wearing down the key Panther players on offense. Quarterback Eli Holstein has passed for fewer than ten yards per completion in each of his last three games, and tailback Desmond Reid has been held to fewer than 50 rushing yards in each of his last two. Although both players have been banged up, backup QB Nate Yarnell and RB Rodney Hammond still aren't being given much of a chance.

Southern Methodist repeatedly taunted the Pitt defenders, mimicking that "shark" hand motion they had ripped off Ole Miss. Good. Pitt's having done that in "celebration" against Syracuse a week earlier was a manner of taunting in the first place. What's good for the Cuse is good for the Panther, or however that goes.

Pitt 28, Virginia 16

Washington at Penn State

The 5-4 Huskies are the Unpredictable Johnny Rodz of the Big Ten. If you're not old enough to gather that rasslin reference, you should still see the Czar's point, because the word "unpredictable" is rather a conspicuous context clue. UW had a terrible Friday night loss to Rutgers back in Week 5, but has since beaten both Michigan and USC.

PSU has been almost infinitely more consistent. Through eight games, they haven't given up more than 30 points in a single one, nor have they scored more than that many in regulation time since starting conference play.

After the Nittany Lions' 20-13 loss to Ohio State, a fan yelled at James Franklin, "Three drives inside the ten, and we got three points!" to which the coach responded, "If you're gonna be man enough to talk, what's your name?" What, exactly, was he threatening to do? Have that person's season ticket revoked, just because he criticized the team's play? Or was he going to find out where this fan lives and pay him a visit? Getting a little touchy there, aren't you, Cashewhead?

"Three drives inside the ten, and we got three points?" Them's fightin words!

Penn State 27, Washington 14

West Virginia at Cincinnati

The 4-4 Mountaineers are 3-2 in Big XII play, but those wins have come against the bottom three teams in the league (Kansas, Oklahoma State and Arizona), which have a combined conference record of 2-15. The flip side is that their four losses have been to teams with a combined overall record of 28-5.

The Czar doesn't know where Corey Kiner's corner is, but it's not in the end zone. The Bearcat tailback is having a good season with 692 yards, but he has only hit paydirt twice all season. Most of the team's touchdowns have come by way of QB Brendan Sorsby, who has thrown for 15 and rushed for six more.

WVU holds a 13-3-1 advantage in its all-time series against its former Big East foes. Last season in Morgantown, they rushed for 424 yards in a 42-21 runaway. It's too bad these teams don't meet on an annual basis anymore, because it had the potential to become a good rivalry, considering how the folks from the Mountain State hate the natives of Cincinnati. They're way too close to being Kentuckians, and we know what snobs those people are. Them and their fancy forks and combs and stuff.

West Virginia 23, Cincinnati 20

Georgia at Ole Miss

With a win, the Rebels would be right back in the thick of the playoff race, but is that a good thing? The original purpose of the CFP was to ensure that the best team in the nation was not left out of the championship. A two-loss team that played a pathetic nonconference schedule before being beaten at home by Kentucky shouldn�t make the cut.

Rebel leading rusher Henry Parrishjr is out with an apparent leg injury. In last week's 63-31 romp over Arkansas, it was quarterback Jaxson Dart who led the team in rushing with 47 yards on 10 carries, while little-utilized senior Dominique Thomas also took ten totes, for a total of 41.

Carson has not been a mighty art player lately, or a mighty football one, either. Bulldog QB Carson Beck has thrown eleven interceptions this season, and all of those in the past five games. Last week in Jacksonville, he threw three INTs to put his team down 13-6 to Florida in the third quarter, before turning things around to lead them on four touchdown drives to win, 34-20.

Johnny Carson used to be paid the dubious compliment that he was better than his material, but the Czar must disagree. Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent" bit, for example, had been stolen from Steve Allen, who in turn had stolen it from Ernie Kovacs, who made it up himself one day when he was really smashed. If you're going to plagiarize, then plagiarize from the best. Just ask the team with the faux-Green Bay helmet logo.

Georgia 44, Ole Miss 41

Clemson at Virginia Tech

The conferences have gotten so big that contenders collide with only slightly greater frequency than that with which the orbits of Neptune and Pluto intersect. For that reason, the Tigers' recent loss to Louisville makes it extremely unlikely that they could climb past Miami or SMU and into the ACC title game.

The Paw Boys were dealt a tough hand by the Cards, who gave in a little in the fourth quarter but refused to fold, in a 33-21 upset. Dabo Swinney's team went 5-for-6 on fourth-down conversions, but being desperate enough to have that many attempts is a bad indicator, regardless of their efficiency.

Tech was all but eliminated from the hunt for the conference championship in a 38-31 overtime defeat at Syracuse, which halted a three-game winning streak. Gobbler QB Kyron Drones was held out of that game because of an undisclosed injury, the status of which coach Brent Pry characterizes as day-to-day. Can't we find out more about the injury? Nope, mustn't pry. And if you did, you'd probably find that Pry is better at that than you are.

Starting instead was journeyman Collin Schlee, who occasionally stings with his arm, but most of the buzz is about his running game. Against the Orange, he was held to 54 yards on 19 carries, while throwing for 206 yards and a touchdown.

In 2006, all of a sudden we were informed that Pluto is no longer a planet. Instead, it has been reclassified as a "dwarf planet," which sounds to the Czar like it's still a planet, but what does he know? His next question is, if everything we do these days is oriented toward the goal of "saving the planet," and Pluto is no longer a planet, does that mean we can blow it up? That would be cool.

Clemson 17, Virginia Tech 7

Michigan at Indiana

The Hoosiers are almost certainly headed for the playoff if they win this game. Either they upset Ohio State and advance to the Big Ten title game undefeated, in which case they surely get in, or else they lose to OSU, and probably do not make it to the conference final, ending the regular season with a record of 11-1. The only other obstacle in their way is last place Purdue.

The Wolverines (5-4, 3-3) sank into a four-way tie for seventh place in the 18-team Big Ten by dropping their third game out of four, this one to #1 Oregon, 38-17. Davis Warren was back behind center, and making a respectable showing, completing 12 of 21 for 164 yards, with two scores and no interceptions. His main target was senior WR Colston Loveland, who loves land so much that he picked up a career-high 112 yards of it on seven receptions.

Kurtis Rourke might have been a little rusty in his return to the UI lineup. At least that would account for letting Michigan State take a 10-0 lead at the end of one. The Hoosier offense went on to score the last 47 points of the game, while the D shut down the Spartans for 193 total yards and two turnovers.

Still, you've got to watch out for those Wolverines. They've got a great big M, which pretty much gives away the fact that they have a secret weapon. Slivered onions!

Indiana 33, Michigan 18

Colorado at Texas Tech

Bruised Buffalo Heisman hopeful Travis Hunter must have been happy to have an idle week following a 34-23 victory over Cincinnati. Then again, maybe not. If he had much concern for his own healing, he would not have done a back flip in the end zone following a first-quarter touchdown. It sure looked to the Czar like he tweaked something there, improvising his Spiderman bit after he failed to stick the landing. But even if he didn't, his coaches can't have been happy to see him do that. Or at least, they would not have been, had they not been lardheads.

Last week in Ames, the Raid Raiders took aim with their Red Ryder and put an eye out, or at least an I-State. Overcoming three false start penalties on their final drive, they scored with 19 seconds left in a 23-22 upset of the previously unbeaten Cyclones.

There's one very big reason why they don't lub this matchup in Lubbock, and that's because the Raiders have the nation's second-most porous pass defense, yielding an average of 307.2 yards per game through the air. Only Tulsa is worse, and just barely. They'll need to sack Shedeur Sanders a lot to keep him from climbing the QB leaderboard, where he is currently #8, with 2,591 yards.

CU was called for two taunting penalties last game, but it could easily have been twenty. These calls should not be optional. When an official sees an obvious penalty and chooses not to call it, he is cheating the other team. If Coach Prime and his assistants don't care about giving away 15 yards here and there, so be it.

The ultimate unsportsmanlike conduct penalty would be for Hunter to have to personally meet every single jocksniffing dork who thought the highlight of the game was watching him pretend to be Spiderman.

Colorado 55, Texas Tech 52

Army at North Texas

Because Cadet QB Bryson Daily is about as tough as Tyne Daly, he is expected to return from the undisclosed injury that caused him to miss last week's 20-3 win over Air Force. They'll need him to provide a little more offense than that, because they're facing a completely different kind of opponent in UNT. In fact, this will be the first Division I-A team they've played all season that currently has a winning record. In addition to the AFA, they've beaten Florida Atlantic, Rice, Temple, Tulsa, UAB and East Carolina.

With 26 touchdown passes, Mean Green QB Chandler Morris is second in the nation, behind only Cam Ward of Miami. In a 45-37 setback against Tulane, he tossed three TDs while passing for 449 yards. If he has some early success against the Black Knights, it could take them out of their NCAA-leading ground game.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could have an army full of Tyne Dalys? As Harry Callahan would say, "How stylish!"

North Texas 41, Army 30

Oklahoma at Missouri

The Sooners (5-4, 1-4) are the laughing stock of the SEC, but had they remained in the Big XII, they might be in second place right now. Seriously, how many teams from that league would not have lost to Tennessee, Texas, South Carolina and Ole Miss?

Who would have thought OU would be playing hindsight spoiler, having beaten Tulane way, way back in Week 3? Since then, they've gone 2-4, beating only Auburn and Division I-AA Maine. They've played well in their only two road games, though, winning at AU and taking a 14-10 halftime lead at Mississippi.

The 6-2 Tigers have only lost to Texas A&M and Alabama, and both of those on the road. Quarterback Brady Cook was injured against the Crimson Tide, though, and the assurance from coach Eli Drinkwitz that he will return this season doesn't sound very good as far as this game is concerned. Backup Drew Pyne showed why he'd been riding it all season, completing 6 of 12 with three interceptions.

It could be worse. Pyne's middle name could be Splinterbutt.

well, okay, not it couldn't. But still!

Oklahoma 31, Missouri 27

Syracuse at Boston College

Life was suite for LeQuint Allen last week, when the Orange running back topped the 100-yard mark for the first time in 2024. His three TDs included an overtime game-winner, as he totaled 121 rushing yards, with another 37 on five receptions, in a 38-31 victory over Virginia Tech.

The Eagles have landed, with a thud. In Week 9, BC blew a 20-0 lead in a 31-27 loss to Louisville, dropping their record to 4-4 after a 4-1 start. They are now dead last in the ACC in passing yards, and QB Thomas Castellanos has only picked up 2.3 yards per carry.

SU has the word "Orange" on the front of its jerseys. As long as they're no longer men, they might as well use an accent mark, like San Jose State does. Then they can be the "Oh-RHAANGZH," as in duck a la. Such a pretension would be fitting of a school that feels the need to shield its football team from the wind and rain.

Syracuse 23, Boston College 14

Alabama at LSU

Now that everybody in the SEC has at least one conference loss, the winner of this classic clash remains in contention for a league title and a top-four CFP bid. That might sound unlikely in Bama's case, because both of their losses have been in conference games, but the pachyderms' remaining opponents after this are Division I-AA Mercer, Oklahoma and Auburn.

Louisiana State got pounded by the ampersanders in Week 9, getting outscored 31-6 in the second half of a 38-23 loss to Texas A&M. Three Garrett Nussmeier interceptions were converted by the Aggies for 17 points to blow the game open.

The Crimson Tide trampled Missouri 34-0, for their first shutout in conference play since a 41-0 massacre of Mississippi State in 2020. They never let the Tigers inside their 40-yard-line until the last possession of the game, when they stopped them at the goal line.

In the first of the games between these rivals that was billed as Game of the Century, the Tigers won 9-6, with neither team scoring a touchdown. What century was that, the Eleventh?

Alabama 26, LSU 21

Minnesota at Rutgers

It's the battle of overwrought motivational devices as "Row the Boat" takes on woodychoppythingey. The College Football Czar describes them as overwrought because when you're exposed to them for an entire game, you'll think, "Those motivational devices are overwrought," and that's one of those words that doesn't pop into your head unless it means business.

The Golden Gophers have won four in a row, since a Week 5 comeback at Michigan was cut short by a disputed but probably correct call on an onside kick. Dual-purpose running back Darius Taylor has got 43 catches for 315 yards, to go along with 644 yard rushing.

The Scarlet Knights have fallen to 4-4 after a 4-0 start, which had included good wins against Virginia Tech and Washington. In a 42-20 loss at USC, they almost exactly equaled the Trojans in total yardage, but were turned back twice on downs in the fourth quarter.

Now that we've got these two teams together, can we work out a compromise and chop the boat instead?

Minnesota 29, Rutgers 19

Navy at South Florida

After the Bulls' 44-21 win over Florida Alantic, coach Alex Golesh slapped away the hand of FAU skipper Tom Herman and barged right past him. Is it any wonder that player behavior on the field is a bad as it had gotten.

USF won last year's meeting 44-30, but that was thanks largely to a big game from quarterback Byrum Brown, who has missed the last three games with a leg injury. He might be able to return this week, but for now the starter is Bryce Archie. Granted, they are 2-1 with Archie behind center, but it was Brown who played against Alabama, Miami and Tulane.

The 6-2 Midshipmen are stuck in the doldrums since bad back-to-back losses to Notre Dame and Rice. Perhaps they could regain their momentum with the aid of a clever inspirational slogan like, "Row the Boat." Hopefully, their answer to that would be that they would not, could not, with a goat, which they happen to have.

South Florida 17, Navy 13

Arkansas State at La.-Lafayette

In the only remaining league that's split into divisions, ULL leads A-State by one game atop the Sun Belt West. Kind of a shame, really. Now they won't have to break a four-way tie for second place with a rousing game of Mille Borne.

Even with a win, the Red Wolves would have a tough time taking the division, with games remining against ULM and Old Dominion. In their most recent game, they scored with 33 seconds left to turn away Troy, 34-31.

Cajun QB Ben Wooldridge is second in the Sun Belt with 2,037 yards, although he's got a far better completion percentage than league leader Joey Aguilar of App State. Since throwing a pair of picks in a tough Week 4 loss to Tulane, he has only been intercepted once, while tossing ten TDs.

If Boise State should stumble, and Tulane does not win the AAC, that could create an opening for the Ragin Cajuns to rally their way into the CFP. That would kind of make a mockery of the playoff, but that's okay, because it deserves to be mocked. Maybe not as much as Tim Walz, but a little bit, anyway.

La.-Lafayette 49, Arkansas State 31

South Carolina at Vanderbilt

The Commodores (6-3, 3-2) are still mathematically in contention to play in the SEC championship game, but before anybody gets too excited, keep in mind that they finish the regular season against LSU and Tennessee.

If anything, Vandy has improved since its historic 40-35 victory over Alabama. In its first four games against Division I-A competition, Clark Lea's defense gave up an average of 32 points. In its last four, which included a loss to Texas, that number dropped to 15.25.

The Gamecocks slobberknocked Texas A&M 44-20, in a game they trailed 20-17 before scoring 27 consecutive points to end the game. (Notice the Czar didn't use the U-word there.) Quarterback LaNorris Sellers only completed 13 passes out of 27, but that was still good enough to beat out the Maple Leafs for the fourth playoff spot in the division.

Vanderbilt 14, South Carolina 12

Texas State at La.-Monroe

For the third week in a row, the Warhawks try to become bowl-eligible for the first time since 2012, when they were hammered by Ohio in the Independence Bowl. It's not as if they're choking, though. It's just that their competition has gotten tougher than it was in their first six games.

Bobcat QB Jordan McCloud left his team's 23-17 loss to Louisiana-Lafayette with an ankle injury, but even assuming his return, TSU has had its two weakest offensive outputs of the season in consecutive games.

This game is being played on ULM's home field at Malone Stadium, which is named after its season ticket holder, who is usually there allmalone.

La.-Monroe 21, Texas State 20

Kennesaw State at UTEP

Kennesaw what I see? If you can, then you see that Conference USA football is so bad that the Owls (1-7, 1-3) are only third from the bottom in their inaugural season in Division I-A. The Miners (1-8, 1-5) are one of the teams trailing them.

KSU's big upset victory over defending C-USA champion Liberty doesn't look as significant in light of LU's subsequent loss to Jacksonville State. The Owls have since been beaten 31-14 by the new league leader, Western Kentucky.

As condiments go, J.P. Pickles proved not to be nearly as dangerous as slivered onions. Pickles, the Miner QB, didn't have enough juice to get his team past the MT-heads last week, in a 20-13 defeat. His stats were no big dill, at 18 of 33 for only 145 yards and an interception. (Cut the College football Czar a little slack, will you? This is probably his only chance to refer to this guy all season.)

The Czar was trying to start a movement to Make Conference USA Great Again, or MACUSAGA! Then he realized that it had never been in the first place, but so what? Any excuse to irritate people by wearing a dopey red hat.

UTEP 19, Kennesaw State 15

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone