The Original College Football Czar

Week 11

Week ten in review: Little if anything has changed as far as the national championship picture is concerned, with all of the major conference undefeated and one-loss teams surviving the week. There was one major upset, in which #25 Air Force was pounded by rival Army, 23-3. That leaves 8-1 Tulane as the frontrunner for the group-of-five New Year's Six bowl bid, and spares us the usual twaddle about some grand conspiracy to lock "the little guy" out of the CFP.

Undefeated Sun Belt frontrunner James Madison has appealed to the NCAA for an exception to allow them to participate in the postseason. They should not get it. Yes, the Czar has said that the bowl prohibition against new Division I-A teams during a two-year "transitional" period is stupid, but that's why the rule should be repealed, not simply ignored in one exceptional case. Why clear the way for JMU, and not Jacksonville State? Is it that the two-year period is wrong, but it is still okay to forbid a first-year school from playing in the postseason? Or is it that the Dukes are undefeated, whereas the Gamecocks are 7-3? What happens the first time a first-year team goes 9-0, then? Just for once, to see how they like it, the Powers That Be Stupid should agree to either mean what they say or stop saying it. If, instead, they remain content to rule from their mountaintop perch, dispensing half-justice like kings of Kafiristan, it might interest them to know that the Czar has seen this story on disc a dozen times, and it has never once ended well yet.

The College Football Czar had his best week in quite a while in Week 9, finishing at 15-5. For the season, his record stands at 121-73, for a .624 winning percentage.

Nov. 10

Wyoming at UNLV

With two very winnable games left on their schedule, the Pokes might yet prod their way into the Mountain West championship game if they can win this showdown against a dramatically improved Rebel team. Last Friday, they waylaid rival Colorado State at home in Laramie, 24-15, thanks to RB Harrison Waylee and his 128 rushing yards.

The Rebels (7-2, 4-1) suffered their first setback in conference play two weeks ago, when they turned the ball over four times in a 31-24 defeat at Fresno State. Wide receiver Ricky White, who is just outside the nation's top ten in receiving yards, caught seven passes for 152 yards and two TDs that day, from hometown freshman QB Jayden Maiava.

This is not the Cowboys' first game on the crinkly carpet of Allegiant Stadium, but it is their first since Nevada-Las Vegas has been good enough to benefit from its home field advantage. Their previous trip there was during the Covid-abbreviated 2020 season, although those winless Rebs would not have drawn much of a crowd for that 45-14 Friday night loss in any case.

Did you notice the Czar did not say it wasn't their first rodeo? You're welcome.

UNLV 37, Wyoming 32

Nov. 11

Pitt vs. Syracuse

Originally scheduled as a home game for the Cuse, this meeting has been moved outdoors to Yankee Stadium. That should suit the Orange just fine after last Friday's 17-10 loss to Boston College, during which an extremely audible "Fire Dino" chant filled the JMA Wireless Dome.

Pat Narduzzi was treated more kindly in Boo City during a 24-7 loss to #4 Florida State, perhaps because the home crowd was too busy expending its anger at the ACC officials. The Panthers might have actually been in the game if not for two peculiar calls.

The first of these, while there was still no score in the second quarter, came at the end of an 81-yard gain by WR Kenata Mumpfeild, who fumbled as he was being facemasked just short of the goal line. In the third quarter, with FSU leading 10-7, an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty was called on Panther tight end Gavin Bartholomew, who was on the sideline at the time and had not done anything that was detectable on camera. If he had said anything to warrant the flag, we don't know it, because no explanation has been given. The call drove Narduzzi's team out of field goal range, and they never drew any closer.

Regardless of an occasional blown call, the Panthers lead the league in penalties, the vast majority of which should be easily preventable. In addition, they rank among the bottom third in the nation in turnover margin, at minus-4.

When Dino Babers arrived at SU in 2016, he promised plenty of offense, employing the slogan, "Orange is the new fast." Memo to Dino: The fast is no longer new. The fast has gone on entirely too long. Your team can stop fasting any time now.

Pitt 15, Syracuse 13

Michigan at Penn State

The College Football Czar cannot help but recall the Wolverines' trip to Beaver Stadium in 2019, when they inexplicably soiled themselves at the sight and sound of the 100,000-plus PSU crowd, which of course is no larger than the ones they get back home in the Big House. By the time their nerves settled, they were down 21-0, a deficit they were never quite able to make up. Their final drive fizzled at the three-yard line for a 28-21 defeat, and the same could happen this week, if coach Jim Harbaugh does not have them better prepared to handle the hostility.

The line score from the Nittany Lions' 51-15 drubbing of Maryland might lead one to conclude that they ran up the score, but they didn't. The Terrapins simply wouldn't stop giving them the ball. Attempting to work the clock with backup Beau Pribula at quarterback, they kicked two field goals after taking over deep in Terrapin territory, followed by a Pribula run for a touchdown to cap a 12-yard drive. The three successive fourth-quarter takeaways cemented their NCAA lead in turnover margin, at an incredible plus-16.

NCAA rules explicitly prohibit the kind of in-person scouting that Michigan has used in order to steal signals, so Coach Harbaugh must receive some kind of punishment. Nothing will be done to inhibit the Wolverines' march toward the CFP, however, nor does the College Football Czar believe such an outcome is warranted by these infractions. There's no doubt that Harbaugh knew of the rule and deliberately, serially violated it, and that mustn't be taken lightly, but what else has really been done here? There's no expectation of privacy at a televised college football game in a stadium full of people. Stealing signals is just another manner of observing the opposing team's tendencies. Somebody in Harbaugh's employ attends an Ohio State game and tries to decipher the signals. So what? Until the next national emergency is declared, it's still a free country.

If the Big Ten wanted to be really conniving, it could work the situation to its advantage by declaring Michigan to be ineligible for this year's Big Ten championship. If the Wolverines get past PSU, and then beat Ohio State to finish the regular season undefeated, and OSU proceeds to demolish whoever emerges from the morass that is the Big Ten West, the result would be two Big Ten schools in the CFP. If Ohio State beats Michigan, then they advance to Indianapolis anyway, so the prohibition has no effect. There's no way the league could lose, unless the West division champs somehow win the conference title game.

The Czar doesn't believe in jinxes, but an explicably sad sophomore year continues for Lion running backs Kaytron Allen and Nicholas Singleton. At least Allen just had his best game of the season against the Terps, gaining 91 yards on 14 carries, but neither player is anywhere near last year's per-carry average. Singleton has been especially disappointing, gaining an even 4.0 yards per attempt, compared to an eye-popping 6.8 in 2022. The Czar suspects he's still getting a significant number of carries in order to prevent him from transferring, but they can't continue to play this platoon system for another year. One of these guys is almost certainly headed to the portal.

If it's a big game for PSU, it must be time to spin James Franklin's Wheel of Peculiar and Ultimately Costly Play Calls. The Czar is guessing that if his team takes the lead at any point, he will choose that moment to onside kick. Remember, you heard it here first.

Michigan 34, Penn State 20

West Virginia at Oklahoma

These teams are now tied for third place in the Big XII (7-2, 4-2), one game back of Texas and Oklahoma State. With an upset this week in Norman, the Mountaineers would draw surprisingly close to the conference championship game, with remaining opponents Cincinnati and Baylor being two of the bottom three in the league standings. With a win over WVU, the Sooners would be in almost as favorable a position, facing Brigham Young and TCU to finish the regular season.

The Eers posted their most impressive victory of 2023 last week, using 336 rushing yards to bulldoze BYU, 37-7. Freshman Jaheim White led the way with 146 yards, while C.J. Donaldson gained 102 with two touchdowns.

OU has dropped two in a row, but both of those have been on the road. At home this season, they are 4-0, with quality wins over SMU and Iowa State. They have won all ten games against WVU since becoming conference opponents in 2012, which means this series won't be missed quite as badly as Bedlam will. The last time they lost to them was in the Fiesta Bowl to end the 2007 season.

At first, the folks in Morgantown were excited about going to Norman, but they misunderstood. It turns out Norman is the name of a guy who sells worms out of the trunk of his car. Not bait, mind you. Just worms.

Oklahoma 26, West Virginia 14

Utah at Washington

The Utes used Arizona State last week, holding the Sun Devils to just 83 total yards and six first downs in a 55-3 thrashing. Nevertheless, the previous result is more relevant to this game, that being their 35-6 loss to Oregon in Week 9, when they allowed the Ducks to score early, and were utterly unable to keep up. The same could easily happen here against Michael Penixjr and the undefeated Huskies.

Through eight games, no Husky had run the ball for more than 100 yards, until last week at USC, when Dillon Johnson romped for a total of 256, with four touchdowns. Incredibly, UW as a team rushed for 60 more yards than it gained through the air, in a 52-42 firefight. Were they simply exploiting one of the Trojans' many defensive weaknesses, or might this be the start of a trend. The College Football Czar must suppose the former to be the case. Why make a permanent, dramatic change late in an undefeated season, when you're about to take on the second-best run defense in the Pac 12?

What must the Seattle eco-snobs think of people from Salt Lake City? "You've got salt in your lake? What did you people do to cause that? Perhaps it would help if you banned water heaters, toilet paper and eggs, just for starters."

Washington 28, Utah 17

Ole Miss at Georgia

The Rebels remained in the SEC West race with a dramatic 38-35 victory over Texas A&M, although they're basically two games back, having lost only to division-leader Alabama. Quarterback Jaxson Dart has been throwing more of the lawn variety, in that they travel greater distance, and inflict far greater damage upon impact. After his 387-yard effort against A&M, the Southern Cal castoff is one of only seven QBs in the nation with more than ten yards per pass attempt.

UGA opened up a nearly insurmountable lead in the SEC West by staving off a challenge from surprising Missouri, 30-21. The Bulldogs are now two and a half games up on both Mizzou and Tennessee. The only way they can fail to reach the conference championship is to be upset by both Mississippi and Tennessee, and for the Vols to also beat Missouri and Vanderbilt.

Ladd McConkey is somebody's lad, but not Phil's, surprisingly enough. The junior Bulldog wide receiver, who has made 13 catches for 230 yards in his past two games, is no relation to the former New York Giant receiver and kick returner.

The College Football Czar played lawn darts once, but why must everybody keep dredging that up? There weren't even any charges.

Georgia 42, Ole Miss 31

USC at Oregon

With a 50-49 win over California in Week 9, the Trojans are only a two-point conversion away from a four-game losing streak. In last week's 52-42 disappointment against Washington, QB Caleb Williams may have outdueled presumptive Heisman frontrunner Michael Penixjr, but the defense got stomped by the lightly regarded ground game of the Huskies for 316 yards. How will they hold up against a UO rushing attack that leads the nation with 6.4 yards per carry?

Southern Cal is trying to remedy that with the dismissal of defensive coordinator Alex Grinch, who had become far too generous toward opposing offenses ever since his heart grew three sizes that day. Over the past six games, his unit was largely responsible for the fact that the team has given up an average of 38.5 points.

After that UW-USC game, Williams was seen sobbing uncontrollably in his mother's arms. Two weeks earlier, he sulked on the sideline and refused to shake any of the Utah players' hands. Is it any wonder his teams underachieve? There's more to being a quarterback than physically playing the position. Imagine how differently Florida's 2008 season might have gone, if Tim Tebow had behaved the same way after losing to Ole Miss.

The three words that describe this SC defense are as follows, and I quote, "stink, stank, stunk."

It's not plagiarism; it's "sampling!"

Oregon 45, USC 37

Miami at Florida State

It's been another long, clumsy season of tripping over the ottoman for Tyler Van Dyke, whose three interceptions in a 20-6 loss to Nc State bring his total to eleven for the season, and ten just since the start of October. That most recent disaster drops the Hurricanes into ninth place in the ACC, with a record of 2-3.

In last week's 24-7 win at Pitt, Seminole QB Jordan Travis threw some really bad incompletions, but his better passes were more than good enough, as he racked up 360 yards and a touchdown on a 22-for-36 performance. Travis is hoping to get injured wide receivers Keon Coleman and Johnny Wilson back for this game, but without them last Saturday, Ja'Khi Douglas and Kyle Morlock combined to catch ten passes for 195 yards.

Why does Rob Petrie keep something in his living room that makes him fall flat on his back every week? That' almost as dumb as the Wicked Witch of the West keeping a bucket of water handy.

Florida State 30, Miami 17

Tennessee at Missouri

These teams with identical records (7-2, 3-2) battle for second place in the SEC East, the division title having been all but officially decided when the Tigers lost a tough one to Georgia last Saturday, 30-21. Senior running back Cody Shrader gained 122 yards, while climbing within 81 yards of the 1,000-mark for the season.

The Volunteers scored an important 33-27 victory at Kentucky two weeks ago, but they have lost four of their last six games as the visiting team. They'll be at home next week against UGA, but that will only matter in the SEC race if they handle this Tiger team, and the Bulldogs are upset by Ole Miss.

During his time at Michigan, quarterback Joe Miltoniii was so erratic that Joe Miltoni denied any relation to him. Upon arriving at the School of Hard Knox, his accuracy improved, but not enough so to stop Hendon Hooker from taking the starting job from him. In 2023, however, he's got 15 touchdowns to four interceptions, and more than 2,000 yards amassed, with four games left to play.

Just kidding in that last paragraph, of course. There is no such person as Joe Miltoni, just like there's no movie called Rocky I and no album called Led Zeppelin I. Unless you happen to be a lardhead, that is, in which case these things will never, ever be explained to your satisfaction.

Tennessee 40, Missouri 37

Virginia Tech at Boston College

The 6-3 Eagles have won each of those six games by seven points or fewer. That speaks well of their play in the clutch, but perhaps not in the rest of the game up until then, because none of those opponents with the exception of Georgia Tech has been any good.

Like the unmanned, airborne vehicle that exploded near the Kremlin, Gobbler quarterback Kyron Drones went a long way before everything went kerplooey. The sophomore scrambler had taken over as the starter after a 1-3 start and performed very well in wins against Pitt, Wake Forest and Syracuse. Last week at Louisville, he was flattened for only 69 yards and an interception on 12 passes, in a 34-3 thumping.

Thomas Castellanos of BC is one of those running quarterbacks whose uneven passing performances call into question whether he should really be considered a dual threat. For someone who takes relatively few shots downfield, a 57.9 completion percentage just isn't very good these days. In winning last Friday's 17-10 scrap at Syracuse, he passed for only 165 yards while completing 20 of 37.

There's really no such thing as a Catholic university anymore. It would not surprise the Czar if BC were to change its name to BCE one day. For those who don't know, BCE is the politically correct version of BC, for chronically offended types who cannot accept the fact that our calendar uses Jesus Christ as its reference point. Instead, they refer to the time before Christ as BCE, meaning "Before Common Era," and they refer to the time since his birth as the "Common Era."

But how could any point in time not be the common era? I mean, that's where everyone was at the time.

Virginia Tech 20, Boston College 13

Florida at LSU

It's yet another tiresome comic book flick as the Swamp Things battle each other toe-to-toe, with their all-time series dead even at 33-33-3. The Bayou Bengals have won five in a row, including last year's 45-35 win in Gainesville. A swamp and a bayou are basically the same thing, both known as "wetlands" to pretentious, NPR-listening nostrilfaces.

In grade school, you might have learned your greater than-less thans with the mnemonic device that the alligator eats the bigger number. If that were true, the Gators would have starved to death back in December, but by now they can sink their teeth into some serious digits, and by that the Czar does not mean fingers and toes. Last week, their number was up, but not as high as that of visiting Arkansas, in a 39-36 overtime defeat.

Louisiana State QB Jayden Daniels was removed from last week's 42-28 loss to Alabama with an apparent head injury, and his status for this game is uncertain. Backup Garrett Nussmeier has not seen much action this season, but last year he got significant playing time in both the SEC championship game and the Citrus Bowl, both with generally encouraging results.

Swamp Thing is a superhero who is comprised entirely of vegetable matter. He is therefore essentially invincible, because who is it that could possibly destroy him? Some vegan wuss?

LSU 51, Florida 41

Maryland at Nebraska

With remaining games against Wisconsin and Iowa, the 5-4 Cornhuskers haven't yet got a bowl bid in the bag. Their own quarterback Heinrich Haarberg may have haar-pooned their best chance a week ago at Michigan State, when he threw two picks and fumbled once to lose a 20-17 shocker to the spiraling Spartans.

The Terrapins tore themselves a new one in the fourth quarter against Penn State. After tossing a TD pass to pull potentially within two scores at 31-15, Tualia Tagovalia turned the ball over twice, and backup QB Billy Edwards once more, in the waning moments of a 51-15 unraveling.

Tagovalia hails from Ewa Beach, which, fittingly enough, is in "Ewaii," as Oscar Madison would say.

Maryland 21, Nebraska 18

Alabama at Kentucky

Once again, the Crimson Tide gradually overpowered an opponent after trailing early in the second half, this time in a 42-28 victory over LSU. Quarterback Jalen Milroe scored four touchdowns, all of them on the ground, as he rushed for 155 yards on 20 carries.

The Wildcats got back into the W-column for the first time in four games with a 24-3 walk over Mississippi State. The Big Blue defense buried the Bulldogs, holding them to 218 total yards and returning an interception for a touchdown.

UK has a record of 2-38-1 in this all-time series. They have been held to ten points or fewer in 31 of those games, 15 of which have been shutouts. No wonder future Bama legend Bear Bryant didn't stick around there.

Bryant's first bowl game was with the Wildcats in December of 1947, when they defeated Villanova 24-14 in the one and only Great Lakes Bowl in Cleveland Municipal Stadium. After the game, he called it "the coldest darn place in the world."

But then, he never attended a Pitt baseball game in March. Pat Narduzzi should stop over once in a while and see what it's like. The boos freeze on their way out of your mouth, and then fall to the ground and shatter before they can make it all the way to the field. Then the fans pick up the pieces and use them as projectiles.

Well, not really, but there's just nothing interesting to say about this game.

Alabama 28, Kentucky 10

Georgia Tech at Clemson

Mafah is not a name that Dabo Swinney called someone on his radio show; it's the Tigers' main offensive weapon. Tailback Phil Mafah, who has gotten the bulk of the carries in the absence of an injured Will Shipley, hauled his team past Notre Dame 31-23, by gaining 186 yards and two scores on 36 carries. That's more times than he had toted the ball than in his previous three games combined. He's unlikely to duplicate those totals with Shipley's return, but between the two of them, Mafah now has more yardage.

The Yellowjackets are all alone in third place in the ACC, but their Week 1 loss to Louisville means they would lose the tiebreaker to the Cardinals if they caught up with them. For Tech to reach the ACC title game, they need The Ville to lose to Virginia this week, and then to Miami after that. Their realization of that fact might slow the momentum that has carried them to back-to-back wins while scoring a total of 91 points.

Q: Why are a bunch of guys in Georgia known as the Yellowjackets?

A: Because they're not good enough golfers.

Clemson 33, Georgia Tech 23

Arizona at Colorado

Deion Sanders' decision to take the offensive play-calling duties away from coordinator Sean Lewis was met with much befuddlement because the Buffaloes are averaging 30.7 points per game. In total offense, however, they're only ninth in the Pac 12, averaging 389.7 yards. Mind you, that's after opening with 565 yards against TCU, and averaging 479 in their three nonconference games. In league action, they're only gaining 345. They're dead last in the nation in rushing yards, which is leaving QB Shedeur Sanders under constant assault from pass rushers who don't have to worry about passing the ball carrier along the way. So, the demotion of Lewis in favor of Pat Shurmur actually makes a certain amount of sense.

It didn't work, though, at least not yet. Last week against Oregon State, CU was squelched for 238 total yards, and was held out of the end zone until the fourth quarter of a 26-19 stuffing. If the change was supposed to invigorate the Buffs' rushing game, it did no such thing. Their RBs combined for only 11 carries, with which they gained 31 yards. Including Shedeur's usual allotment of sack yardage, they rushed for minus-7 yards as a team.

Few things in Arizona are more popular than fifty fajitas, and Wildcat QB Noah Fifita comes pretty close to that. In last week's 27-10 bruising of the UCLA Bruins, he passed for an even 300 yards and three touchdowns. No wonder the U of A offense is improving so dramatically as the season goes on. Just think how fifty fajitas might propel a person downfield? Who needs Son of Flubber when you've got that?

So, the Buffs' defensive play calling is doing all right, then?

Arizona 40, Colorado 35

New Mexico State at Western Kentucky

With Division I-A newcomer Jacksonville State stupidly ineligible for the Conference USA title, these teams battle for the inside track to a conference championship birth opposite Liberty. At 7-3, NMSU is one of the surprise teams in the nation, whereas the Czar expected the Hilltoppers (5-4, 3-2) to handle themselves in this depleted league a lot easier than they have.

Converted quarterback Eli Stowers has led the Aggies in receptions in each of their last three games, including last Saturday's 13-7 win against Middle Tennessee, in which he gained 86 yards on six catches. The 6-4 sophomore was expected to compete with starting QB Diego Pavia, but instead has become his favorite target.

Senior slinger Austin Reed faked the College Football Czar out when he entered the transfer portal at the end of last regular season, only to change his mind and return to WKU after the Czar had already posted his bowl picks. That un-decision hasn't worked out well for last year's NCAA leader in passing yardage, who has dropped all the way to #29.

The home field of the Toppers is called Feix Field, with "Feix" being pronounced "fakes." Needless to say, it is an artificial surface. Good thing it is only the field that is required to be fake. Had the place been named Feix Stadium, it would have to be a dome.

Western Kentucky 29, New Mexico State 20

Rutgers at Iowa

For a moment there, it looked as if the Scarlet Knights were about to have a breakthrough. Leading Ohio State 9-7 in the third quarter, and already in range for another field goal, QB Gavin Wimsatt slightly overthrew a jump pass, leading to a nasty collision, an interception of a deflected ball, and a 93-yard touchdown the other way. The 35-16 setback drops them to .500 in Big Ten play, although they are already bowl-eligible at 6-3 overall.

Iowa has had to write a lot of Ioyous, so seldom has it hit paydirt this season. In last week's 10-7 win over Northwestern, the Hawkeyes scored only their sixth offensive touchdown in as many conference games. In their past five games, their defense has only allowed three, however.

It's a little-known fact that the Knights were not originally scarlet. They started out as the knights in white satin, who wore bedsheets to the battlefield because they feared that their armor would prove too cumbersome. Bit of a miscalculation, it turned out.

Iowa 14, Rutgers 13

Old Dominion at Liberty

The 9-0 Flames are the forgotten undefeated team this season, mostly because they haven't played a single game against a significant opponent. The most impressive victory for the Conference USA leaders has been their season opener, a nonconference 34-24 victory over Bowling Green, at home in Lynchburg.

It seems that ODU is ode one after its Week 9 loss to James Madison. Wide receiver Javon Harvey appeared to catch the go-ahead touchdown late in that game, but he was ruled out of bounds, and the replay official confirmed the call, wrongly in the Czar's opinion. The Monarchs kicked a field goal to pull within three, but that 30-27 score held up until the end.

With the exception of an opening 36-17 loss to Virginia Tech, every game the lion kings have played has been decided by seven points or fewer. A week ago, they led Coastal Carolina until they gave up a score with 23 seconds remaining, to fall to 4-5 with a frustrating 28-24 defeat.

"Old Dominion" is a nickname that was given to Virginia by King Charlesii. Now, King Charlesiii will probably take it away, just for the sake of being a miserable git. No wonder the Brits went so man years between Charleses. They'd never have accepted the current one if it hadn't been so long that they didn't remember what it was like.

Liberty 39, Old Dominion 35

Rice at UTSA

The Roadrunners (7-3, 5-0) are in a three-way tie for first place in the American Athletic Conference, although it may seem that they don't yet really belong to this league at all. Texas-San Antonio hasn't yet faced defending champion Tulane, which it visits in the regular season finale, and in this expanded 14-team AAC, they don't have to play contenders SMU and Memphis at all. Its current five-game winning streak consists entirely of opponents that have losing records, both in the conference and overall.

The hooters must not be very happy now that they've fallen to 4-5, but near misses against conference frontrunners Tulane and SMU have got to leave them optimistic about the rest of their season. If they can get it done this week in the Alamodome, they'll have a great chance to become bowl-eligible in their following game, at Charlotte.

If "JT" were a Roman numeral, that would be the number of schools the senior quarterback has played for. J.T. Daniels had been at USC, Georgia and West Virginia, before landing in Houston to play for the Owls. It would be as if he had also performed with Abbott and Costello, Burns and Allen, and the Max Brothers. In addition to being Shemp, that is.

Rice 41, UTSA 33

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone