The Original College Football Czar

Week 11

Week ten in review: If it's November, that must mean the season's first CFP rankings are out, and by this point, everybody understands that's no reason to get excited. That is, except for the TV analysts, who will try to blow up every trifling disagreement into a big megillah. Okay, if the College Football Czar were creating the rankings, he thinks Indiana has earned the #1 spot at this point, but Ohio State should obviously be in position for a first-round bye, and the two teams will eventually meet in the Big Ten championship unless one of them gets upset, anyway. Even if the best team gets a #2 seeding in the end, all that would mean is that if it goes to the neutral-site CFP championship game, it would wear its road uniforms. Of course, there are always arguments about the last-in and first-out teams, but considering that the field of twelve will include at least eight teams that have no reasonable claim to being the best in the nation, debating which team is less undeserving than another seems pretty frivolous.

The Czar is under no illusions about putting the game back the way it was during the BCS era, but just look how much better this season would be. There's nobody outside the Big Ten and SEC that might really be the best team in college football, so why not just have the champions of those two leagues square off for the title, and put together some competitive bowl matchups involving the other teams?

Among the CFP-contending teams that took a significant hit last week are Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Georgia Tech, Miami, Cincinnati, Navy, Tulane, Boise State and UNLV. The group-of-five frontrunners at this point are Memphis, San Diego State, North Texas and James Madison. All good teams, if we were talking about a possible bid to the Holiday Bowl, but who wants to see any of them in a first-round playoff game at Georgia?

The latest head coach to be fired is Hugh Freeze, whose two and a half year tenure at Auburn finished with an SEC record of 6-16, and an overall mark of 15-19, with an infamous home loss to New Mexico State in November of 2023. Finishing out the season as the interim coach will be defensive coordinator D.J. Durkin, who went 10-15 as the head man at Maryland in 2016-17.

The Czar had his best week to this point in the season with a record of 14-4, correctly predicting the downfall of undefeated Navy, and West Virginia's upset of a ranked Houston team. He could have done even better, if not for nearly simultaneous last-minute disasters for Miami and Clemson. For the year, his record stands at 117-77, for a .603 winning percentage.

Nov. 7

Tulane at Memphis

Because of TU-s terrible 48-26 loss to Texas-San Antonio, the Tigers are right back in the catbird seat for the group-of-five CFP bid, just two weeks after a shocking upset loss to UAB. After that embarrassment in the Battle for the Bones, they scrapped their way back into the rankings with a 17-point fourth-quarter rally to stop South Florida, 34-31.

Aside from an authoritative trudge through Tulsa, the Green Wave haven't fared very well on the road this season. In addition to lopsided losses at Ole Miss and UTSA, they barely hung on to beat South Alabama 33-31, back in Week 2.

Last season, the Wave were 9-2 when they hosted this Tiger team, having already clinched a berth in the American Conference championship. The 34-24 defeat sent them onto a three-game skid to end the season, falling to Army in the league title game, and then to Florida in the Gasparilla Bowl.

When MU gets to the catbird seat, it'll have to make the guy who's sitting there move. He understandably never expected a catbird to show up and claim it.

Memphis 35, Tulane 30

Northwestern at USC

Since rallying past Nebraska 21-17, the Trojans are one of the six remaining teams that stands a realistic chance of playing for the Big Ten championship in Indianapolis. Their record (6-2, 4-1) is a bit deceptive, with both Ohio State and Indiana missing from their schedule. Nevertheless, a remaining slate consisting of this NU team, Iowa, Oregon, and unpredictable rival UCLA is not one that many of their conference competitors would trade for.

The Wildcats are 0-5 all-time against Southern Cal, their most recent meeting being in the Rose Bowl at the end of the 1995 season. Northwestern's ten-game winning streak was snapped that day, by a final of 41-32. If they couldn't knock them off to finish that miraculous season, they might never get that good a chance again.

Ironically, the Cats fared very poorly in their two trips to the Coliseum while Ben Hur star and Northwestern alumnus Charlton Heston was alive, losing 31-0 in 1952 and 48-6 in 1969. You can still pull up films of these games on YouTube, and if you listen very closely, you can hear a voice from the stands shouting "Damn you! DAMN YOU!"

USC 24, Northwestern 16

Nov. 8

Indiana at Penn State

The #2 Hoosiers hammered Maryland 55-10 without the help of standout wide receiver Elijah Sarratt, who was injured early in that game. Junior Omar Cooperjr (or is that Jromar Cooperjr?) stepped in and took over the team lead in receiving yardage, with 7 catches for 86 yards against the Terrapins, which brings his season total to 669.

Curt Cignetti is so determined to make everyone hate him that he seemed like a natural for the Penn State job. Obviously understanding this, IU hurried up and signed him to a contract extension through 2033, just a few days after PSU fired James Franklin.

The Nittany Lions' five-game losing streak matches their skid to open the 2020 season. The last time they lost six in a row was 2004. Any worse than that and you'd have to go back to 1931. Not only did second-year coach Bob Higgins not get fired for that school record skid, but he went on to have an outstanding career at 123-83-16, with an undefeated season in 1947. Lucky for him that social media didn't arrive a hundred years earlier.

Charlie Chaplin was creepy enough without TikTok.

Indiana 45, Penn State 19

Colorado at West Virginia

The team from the Centennial State has given up half a hundred in each of its past two games, in which it was stomped by Utah (53-7) and Arizona (52-17). Its performance against the Wildcats last week was so bad, with 14 penalties for 110 yards and five turnovers, that head coach Deion Sanders did not allow his players or assistant coaches to talk to the press afterward.

CU's quarterback situation is now where the Mountaineers' had been for much of the season, with nobody seeming to want to be the first-stringer. Freshman Julian Lewis will become the third Buffalo QB to get a start, with Kaidon Salter and Ryan Staub having failed to hold down the job. WVU, by contrast, has gotten two good games in a row out of its freshman, Scotty Foxjr.

The Eers ended a five-game losing streak with a 45-35 win over Houston, in which they went plus-four in turnovers. They are now tied with the Buffs at 1-5 in the conference, a game out of the Big XII basement, with Oklahoma State holding down that spot at 0-6.

In Morgantown, they think a centennial is a nickel. As in, you know, ten cents.

Well, to be fair, it is bigger than a dime, isn't it?

West Virginia 37, Colorado 24

Brigham Young at Texas Tech

The undefeated Cougars currently lead the Big XII by half a game over the Red Raiders (8-1, 5-1). But if Tech wins this game it will only need to get past Central Florida and West Virginia to capture the regular season title, whereas BYU must still tackle TCU, and then go on a tough, cold road trip to Cincinnati the weekend before Thanksgiving.

How much of the load L.J. Martin can carry remains to be seen, but the leading Cougar rusher returns from a shoulder injury after leaving early in a Week 9 win at Iowa State. In his two previous games, Martin had gotten 25 and 26 carries, to beat Arizona and Utah.

Red Raider QB Behren Morton returned from a leg injury to take apart Kansas State 43-20, but if he doesn't have his mobility back, this BYU defense will be a far greater challenge for him than the Wildcats were. Keep in mind, though, that it is Tech linebacker David Bailey who leads the nation with 11.5 sacks, while the Raiders lead the conference in that department as a team.

If that half-sack is the top half, then it's just a tube, with no bottom. What would a college football player put in a bottomless half-sack? His humility? Textbooks? Deodorant, shaving cream and a comb?

Texas Tech 23, Brigham Young 16

Texas A&M at Missouri

While Indiana and Ohio State are making most of the noise, the third-ranked Conjunction Boys just keep clickety-clacking away as they stay on track for a national title run. When they last took the field in Week 9, they dominated the second half of a 49-25 takedown of LSU, to improve to 8-0.

Since a 17-10 loss to Vanderbilt, the Tigers have had a week off to prepare freshman quarterback Matt Zollers for his first career start. The ankle injury to Beau Pribula is apparently not as serious as first feared, but he will still be out for at least a couple games.

It's spelled "Miss," but it's pronounced "Mizz." So which is it? Today's feminists and other gender-resentful people have come up with the appellation "Mx," although there is disagreement over how this should be pronounced. That's probably because nobody has ever heard it spoken, because there aren't many imaginable occasions for someone to say such a thing. Perhaps one could contrive a reason to enter a Whole Foods, and say something like, "Pardon me, Mx, but are those organic pomegranates sustainable?" It just doesn't come up in any regular-personny context.

Texas A&M 26, Missouri 14

Oregon at Iowa

Quarterback Dante Moore might be an uglier duckling after taking a bash to his bill in an even uglier 21-7 win over Wisconsin two weeks ago. The Fighting Duck coaches were content to let local product Brock Thomas stay in for the rest of the game, but there's no reason a knock on the nose should cause them to question the status of their starter for this week.

The Big Ten boasts three of the nation's four best defenses, with the Hawkeyes and Ducks rated third and fourth, respectively, and Ohio State leading the way. Who's #2? Toledo. No, really! The 5-4 Rockets are only allowing 232.6 yards per game, and yet they've lost to Kentucky, Western Michigan, Bowling Green and Washington State. These two teams are faring considerably better, each with a conference record of 4-1.

It has been Ground Gronowski in Iowa City, and no, that is not a secret ingredient in the pregame brats. Former South Dakota State quarterback Mark Gronowski has only thrown for four TDs this season, but he has rushed for another eleven.

Actually, Bar S probably puts ground gronowski in its bratwursts, along with some other stuff about which you do not want to know.

Oregon 20, Iowa 12

Navy at Notre Dame

These ancient rivals meet in a CFP elimination game for a second year in a row. In Week 9 of last season, the Fighting Irish forced six turnovers in a 51-14 fumping in Fred Rutherford, New Jersey. The loss turned out to be only the first of three over four games, for a Naval Academy club that wound up winning the Armed Forces Bowl over Oklahoma.

The previously unbeaten Midshipmen were knocked off for the first time by North Texas, 31-17, and things are not about to get any easier. After this week, they face American Conference contenders South Florida and Memphis, each of which is 4-1 in league play, and 8-1 overall.

The Irish appeared a bit bumfuzzled last week at Boston College, but eventually pulled away for a final of 25-10. Jeremiyah Love loped up the middle for a 94-yard touchdown in the fourth quarter, to turn an otherwise ineffective performance into a 136-yard game, with 30 more yards added on four receptions.

ND holds a commanding lead of 81-13-1in this long-running series. It had become competitive for a stretch back in the late aughts, but the golden domers have since reasserted their dominance, winning seven in a row, and five of those by more than three touchdowns. The Middies have only ripped the Rip Miller Trophy from their grip once since it was first awarded in 2011.

Okay, so the town in which MetLife Stadium is located is not named after Fred Rutherford. The College Football Czar just couldn't resist the alliteration. It's a little-known fact that it is actually named Lumpy Rutherford, New Jersey. Well, maybe not, but would you believe the actor who played Lumpy, Frank Bank, has a stadium named after him? Frank Bank Stadium? Yeah, let's go with that one.

Notre Dame 42, Navy 20

Iowa State at TCU

The Cyclones seemed to have caught a break last week, with Arizona State quarterback Sam Leavitt out of action. Instead, they faced one-dimensional journeyman scrambler Jeff Sims, and seemed strangely unprepared for what he would do. Sims romped over them for 228 rushing yards, in a demoralizing 24-19 defeat that leaves ISU in twelfth place and on a four-game losing streak.

With a third consecutive victory, the leaping lizards could jump right back into the fray in a frantic Big XII race. In their past two games, they've beaten Baylor and West Virginia by six points each. Currently in seventh place, they have a chance to propel themselves up the standings with games remaining against Houston and Cincinnati.

For the most part, the Horned Frogs have had a tough time of it this season, but for QB Josh Hoover, it has been as easy as Tinker to Evers to Chance. For his counterpart, Cyclone slinger Rocco Becht, it has been more like Tinker to Steve Sax to the guy in the tenth row.

TCU 45, Iowa State 34

Florida State at Clemson

The Tigers still have a thorn in their paw about the way last week's 46-45 loss to Duke ended. A Blue Devil incompletion on fourth-and-ten was wiped out by a pass interference penalty on cornerback Avieon Terrell. Replays showed that even though there was no illegal contact at the time the pass arrived, Terrell had held Duke WR Que'Sean Brown all the way down the field. A three-yard TD run and a two-point conversion later, Dabo Swinney's team had fallen to 2-4 in the conference and 3-5 overall.

The Seminoles waylaid Wake Forest 42-7 for their first ACC win of the season, which is good enough to level their record at 4-4. Having two games remaining against teams that have already fired their head coaches, FSU's postseason prospects are looking surprisingly good.

During the Noles' undefeated 2023 regular season, they needed overtime to top the Tigers, and it's the only time they've beaten them in the past nine meetings. Last year in Tallahassee, the Paw Boys pulled out to a 17-0 first-quarter lead, in a 29-13 runaway.

Swinney says officials need to be held accountable, which of course they are. We read about college football officials being disciplined every season. What the coach seems to mean is that it should be known to the world that somebody other than he is responsible for his team's sub-.500 record.

Laying it on a little thick, isn't he? Hasn't he ever heard that a little Dabo do ya?

Clemson 38, Florida State 21

Nebraska at UCLA

The city of Pasadena is threatening to sue the Bruins, who want to break their lease at the Rose Bowl and instead play their home games at SoFi Notsogood Stadium. They're blaming their poor attendance on the fact that the Rose Bowl is 26 miles from campus, but how serious a concern is that? Speaking as an admittedly ignorant Easterner, the College Football Czar had gotten the impression that everything in the L.A. area was at least 26 miles from anything else. Besides, they've been playing there since 1982. Why would the distance suddenly become a sticking point 43 years later? Might the problem have more to do with the program's long-term lack of competitiveness? Nah.

The blue bears got blown off the field in Bloomington last week, in a 56-6 slobberknocking from Indiana. Nevertheless, their recent three-game rally has them above .500 in the Big Ten, although future opponents Ohio State, Washington and USC might resume the reversal of that trend.

Just as the Dylan Raiola project was beginning to pay off, the Cornhusker QB suffered a broken fibula while his team was leading USC 14-6, and is out for the season. Freshman T.J. Lateef completed 5 of 7 in relief, but only for a total of 7 yards, as the N-men fell to 6-3 with a 21-17 setback.

Surely, you've seen Lateef in a football game before. That's because so many of laplayers think it's cool not to put lamoufgard in lamouf.

UCLA 27, Nebraska 22

LSU at Alabama

This matchup was nonsensically named Game of the Century for many years in succession, but now it might not even be the Game of Saturday Night at 7:30. It looked as if these teams' roles would be reversed after Week 1, when Bama was beaten by Florida State and Louisiana State stopped Clemson, but it is the Tide who are now on a seven-game winning streak, and the Tigers who are below .500 in conference play, and playing their first game under an interim coach.

Ever since taking a beating in the opening battle of the campaign, the Crimson Tide coach has been winning DeBoer War, hands down. Until a 29-22 struggle at South Carolina two weeks ago, the pachyderms had powered their way past four ranked opponents in a row.

Contrary to popular opinion, the Boer War was not what Ozzy Osbourne was singing about in "War Pigs." It turns out that the Boers were not actually pigs so much as South African descendants of Dutchmen, for those who are scoring at home. Not that the Dutch actually resemble pigs, but they're one European nationality that doesn't take nearly as much abuse as the others, so they've got some catching up to do.

What do you suppose the late Ozzy was thinking when he got where he was going, and found himself face-to-face with one incredibly vengeful bat?

Alabama 30, LSU 13

Temple at Army

The Owl offense went missing in the Linc last week, in a 45-14 home loss to East Carolina that dropped them all the way into seventh place in the American Conference. Their 233 total yards were by far their fewest since a Week 2 blowout loss to Oklahoma.

A last-second field goal lifted the Black Knights to a 20-17 victory over Air Force, ensuring that when they face Navy at the end of the season, it will be for possession of the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy. They only edged the AFA by going plus-3 in turnovers, though. Their offense was held under 300 yards for the third time this season.

This year, the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy is undergoing a renovation. It's being covered in gold leaf, and mounted onto a marble base, with a backdrop of a velvet painting of the Commander-in-Chief himself, playing poker with four dogs, who are all about to fold in reaction to his ingenious bluff. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Army 26, Temple 23

Washington at Wisconsin

The Badgers couldn't be stinking the joint out any more if they swapped their familiar cheeseheads for limburger. Only an oh-by-the-way fourth-quarter touchdown against Oregon two weeks ago spared them their third consecutive shutout. That score actually improved their average to 5.4 points in Big Ten conference games this season.

Denzel Boston turned in an award-worthy performance in last week's 42-25 victory against Illinois. Putting his versatility on display, he threw a 12-yard touchdown pass to running back Jonah Coleman, on the same day that he made ten catches for 153 yards and another score.

Everybody knows that limburger cheese stinks, but how do we know it? We'll never encounter the stuff, because we'd have to go out of our way to do it, which we won't, because we "know" it smells awful. It's quite obvious to the College Football Czar that limburger cheese is really delicious and aromatic, and billionaire globalists are conducting a psy-op against us so that they can keep it all for themselves.

The subject of next week's Czarcast will be, why do they wear Swiss cheeseheads in Wisconsin? Is it just because it is more recognizable as cheese that way, or is it because sinister free-trading Zionists are undermining our sovereignty? The Czar doesn't mean to imply anything; he's just asking questions.

Washington 17, Wisconsin 9

James Madison at Marshall

Last weekend's carnage in the Mountain West and American Conferences leaves JMU as a legitimate contender for the group-of-five bid to the CFP. At 7-1 overall and 5-0 in the Sun Belt Conference, their only loss of the season has been on the road against ACC contender Louisville.

The Thundering Herd (4-4, 2-2) fell out of contention in the Sun Belt East with a 44-27 loss to Coastal Carolina. Quarterback Carlos Del Rio-Wilson turned the ball over once for each word in his name, as he fumbled twice and threw two interceptions, while only passing for only 153 yards on 21 completions.

Fans in Huntington have got to be a bit envious of the Dukes, who are the same kind of brash upstarts the bovine boomers had been in their early years of Division I-A football. In its fourth year since making the climb from I-AA, Jimmy Mad has a combined record of 35-10. The moo-men had gone 37-8 through the same number of games from 1997 until the middle of 2000.

The reference to an herd of cattle as "thundering" is from the sound of their hooves beating against the ground, as much as Al Gore and King Charles might like us to associate it with that other thing.

James Madison 55, Marshall 28

Florida International at Middle Tennessee

There are lots of trophy games in college football, but this might be more aptly described as an atrophy game, between two programs that have done more than their share to weigh down the decaying Conference USA. That league has been putting on a lot of weeknight games lately, but it hid this one in the middle of a busy Saturday schedule, apparently in hopes that it would get lost in the jumble. The MT-heads remain winless in this watered-down conference, while FIU has been beaten by both of the new teams (Delaware and Missouri State) that just made the jump from Division I-AA.

In fairness, the Panthers have at least one big win this season, a 25-6 shocker in a Tuesday night game in Week 8 against Western Kentucky. Fifth-year senior running back Kejon Owens broke out for a career-high 195 yards that night, and he kept on Kejon on a week later, with 166 yards in a 45-26 setback against Kennesaw State. His momentum finally stopped last week against Mo State, when he was held to 63 yards on 18 carries in a 28-21 defeat. (Pardon me, Mo, but are those organic pome- oh, skip it.)

The Blue Raiders have lost their last three games by a combined total of eight points. Last Wednesday, they remained winless at home, by surrendering 17 fourth-quarter points in a 24-21 loss to Jacksonville State. Part of the reason it got away from them is that they have the second-worst running game in C-USA (next to New Mexico State), and are thus unable to control the clock when they've got a lead.

In Murfreesboro, they abide by Murfree's Law, which says anything that can go wrong will be made even worse if it's unpronounceable.

Florida International 19, Middle Tennessee 16

Southern Miss at Arkansas State

The Golden Eagles (6-2, 4-0) are all alone in first place in the Sun Belt West. That's because the team that had been tied with them, Troy, was stopped by A-State a week ago, 23-10. It is now the Red Wolves who threaten to take over the divisional lead, by virtue of head-to-head victories against the other contenders.

First-year USM head coach Charles Huff left Marshall in one at the end of a 10-win season a year ago, but stands a chance of equaling that mark in his first year in Hattiesburg. Just last season, this same team went 1-11, with its only win against Division I-AA Southeastern Louisiana.

Arky State has won the last two games in this series, but trails the Eagles overall, by a count of 7-3. Southern Mississippi prevailed in their biggest game prior to this one, by a score of 31-19 in 2005. Officially, that was in the New Orleans Bowl, but it was kind of tough to tell, because the game had been displaced to Cajun Field in Lafayette by Hurricane Katrina.

ASU does not stand for Angel Second Class, which is just as well, because this team has earned its wings. In late September, the Wolves lost to Louisiana-Monroe to fall to 1-4. Now they need only one win in their last three to become bowl-eligible. Let's just hope they don't try to celebrate by going down to Martini's and ordering a flaming rum punch.

Southern Miss 30, Arkansas State 29

San Diego State at Hawaii

Whatever chance UH had of rallying their way into the CFP was spoiled by San Jose State, 45-38. They're still in contention for the Mountain West championship, although they will now need a little help. Because of a head-to-head loss to Fresno State, the Rainbow Warriors are now in fourth place in the MWC.

How in the world did the Aztecs ever lose so badly to Washington State back in Week 2? Just as curiously, during their current six-game winning streak, the only opponent to score more than ten points against them has been lowly Colorado State, with 24.

The Aztec and the Rainbow Warrior look a lot alike, but the latter is merely a poseur. The Warrior mascot may look like he could cut out and eat a beating heart, but he really just paddles a canoe all day, and walks along the beach saying "Hang loose, bruh."

The College Football Czar learned this interesting fact by watching a documentary series, narrated by a fellow named Jack Lord.

San Diego State 13, Hawaii 9

The College Football Czar

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