The Original College Football Czar

Week 10

Week nine in review: There were no major upsets, but the number of remaining unbeatens has dwindled to eight, with Navy getting slobberknocked by Notre Dame, and Liberty losing a shocker to previously winless Division I-A neophyte Kennesaw State. These results have brought the group-of-five CFP race into focus, with Boise State the clear frontrunner after winning at UNLV on Friday night.

Mississippi State tight end Seydou Traore is hereby nominated for the Lardhead of the Year Award. After making a catch near the goal line, Traore threw the ball into the stands, which is an automatic 15-yard penalty, no matter how reticent the officials are to call unsportsmanlike conduct for anything else. Furthermore, he had been mistaken in thinking he had scored a touchdown in the first place, so the officials brought the ball back inside the one-yard-line where he had been tackled, and assessed the penalty from there. The Bulldog drive stalled, causing them to kick the field goal. Not that the four-point difference was a big deal by the end of the 58-25 trouncing, but if you want to know why the mud puppies are mired in last place (1-7, 0-5), there's an hint.

The College Football Czar finally got through Friday night without a loss, on his way to a 16-5 record, his best so far in 2024. For the season, his record improves to 102-67, for a .593 winning percentage.

Nov. 1

San Diego State at Boise State

Conventional wisdom said that last Friday's 29-24 Bronco victory at UNLV was for the Mountain West title and the group-of-five CFP bid, but the Aztecs have a chance to take the lead in the MWC with an upset in the Tater State. They broke their own momentum, however, by blowing last week's nonconference game against Washington State. Leading by five, and in field goal range midway through the fourth quarter, freshman quarterback Danny O'Neil was intercepted, leading to a Wazzu score, and a 29-26 setback.

O'Neil is no relation to former Oregon QB Danny O'Neil, who played for the 1994 Pac 10 championship team that put Fighting Duck football on the map. Prior to that season, that Danny O'Neil was derisively nicknamed Statman by his teammates, for his propensity to put up big numbers, supposedly without being much of a team player, a reputation he would successfully shake during his senior year. Neither SDSU's Danny O'Neil nor any of his teammates is in danger of getting slapped with that same moniker. In fact, they might find it nice to be Statman for a day.

Speaking of fighting ducks, BSU quarterback Maddux Madsen had to get a little ornery in order to make up for the fact that Nevada-Las Vegas was successfully containing running back Ashton Jeanty. The scrambling sophomore picked up 58 yards on three rushes, to go along with 209 through the air.

Perhaps the "stat" in Statman was meant in the medical sense, suggesting that he was good in an emergency. He might instead have gone by Immediately Man, or Right Freaking Now Man. If the College Football Czar can just figure out how to pad that thought out for 90 minutes, he might be able to produce next summer's blockbuster. Right Freaking Now Man could tell Red Goofy Guy and Yellow Goofy Guy to stop bantering and get on with a coherent story line.

Boise State 30, San Diego State 16

Nov. 2

Pitt at SMU

Last Thursday, the Panthers intercepted Syracuse quarterback Kyle McCord five times, returning three of those for touchdowns in a 41-13 runaway. This should make their defense a cause of concern for the Mustangs, who somehow got by Duke in overtime, in spite of going minus-6 in turnovers.

Sophomore QB Kevin Jennings threw three picks in that game, and fumbled twice. In what will become a running theme in this week's picks, the Southern Methodist starter is questionable for this game, with an apparent leg injury that was sustained in the fourth quarter. The College Football Czar wonders how questionable coach Rhett Lashlee would find Jennings' status if not for all those turnovers. Pronouncing him to be unavailable might just be a graceful way to reintroduce Preston Stone into the starting lineup.

Panther redshirt freshman QB Eli Holstein will start this weekend, although head coach Pat Narduzzi had cast some doubt on his status during the week. The bigger question is how much more pounding the body of diminutive dasher Desmond Reid can take. The 5-8, 175-lb running back has been hobbled frequently while piling up 882 all-purpose yards. Actually, his rushing yards and receiving yards are for the same purpose, making "all-purpose yardage" a misnomer.

The Czar once purchased a sack of all-purpose flour, and attempted to brush his teeth with it. Another case of deceptive labeling by those dastardly Big Food profiteers. RFK Jr. will save the day! Whenever he gets around to it, that is. Right now, he's probably too busy varnishing a porcupine, or something.

Pitt 28, SMU 24

Ohio State at Penn State

With the Nittany Lions trailing Wisconsin 10-7 at halftime, quarterback Drew Allar came out of the game with an injury. They responded by cranking up the defensive pressure, forcing a go-ahead pick-six, and holding the Badgers out of the end zone throughout the second half of a 28-13 win in Madison. They'll need to keep that kind of play up for four quarters against an OSU team whose ground game was shut down by an equally aggressive defense from Nebraska.

In that 21-17 squeaker against the N-men, the Buckeyes gained only 64 yards on 31 carries, which is partly to blame for why they went 1-for-10 on third down conversions. In rushing yards per game, the lumpy nuts are surprisingly only eighth in the conference.

Luckily for PSU, it isn't Allar nothing, because they have a capable backup in Beau Pribula. Against UW, Pribula ran the read-option effectively, but did not demonstrate a vertical passing game. If he starts against the lumpy nuts, it will be important that his team not fall behind like it did against USC.

Even though his team is in national contention yet again, Coach Brutus has been the subject of discontent among the fans in Columbus. On one hand, he's got a record f 42-3 in Big Ten play and 62-9 overall, and on the other hand, he's got that beard.

Yup, he's in trouble, all right.

Ohio State 20, Penn State 14

Oregon at Michigan

In case you haven't heard, the Wolverines have got a great big M. That and an upset of #1 Oregon wouldn't be enough to put them into contention for a conference title. Still, they managed to stave off intrastate rival Michigan State 24-17, in spite of being held to 265 total yards. At 5-3, they have played a far tougher schedule than most teams in major college football. Probably their weakest opponent has been Sun Belt contender Arkansas State.

Last time the Ducks came to Ann Arbor was in 2007, right after the home team had suffered an historic upset loss to Appalachian State, then a Division I-AA school. UO played a similar spread option game to App State, with which it mowed under the maize and blue, 39-7. What followed was a classic overreaction, as Michigan went meandering in search of a trendy scheme of its own, when it would have been better off staying put. The actually bounced back to finish that season 9-4, but then replaced coach Lloyd Carr with Rich "Exploding Head" Rodriguez during the offseason, and had their first losing record in 43 years.

Running up scores is often defended as something that is necessary to make an impression on the committee. That would become a more difficult argument to make if the webfoots lost a couple games and still made it into the playoff, because they have not been pouring on the O after taking big halftime leads. In lopsided Big Ten victories over UCLA, Michigan State, Purdue and Illinois, their first halves outscored their second halves 105-33.

Too bad these teams don't get along. If they could put the big M and big O together, there'd be no stopping them.

Oregon 28, Michigan 12

Louisville at Clemson

Before the season, the College Football Czar picked Llllvull to win the cnfrnss, but they would already be completely out of the running if not for their big comeback at Boston College last Friday night. The Cardinals spotted BC a 20-0 second quarter lead, but rallied to win 31-27, even though they finished minus-3 in turnovers.

The Tigers are the fourth-highest scoring team in the nation, averaging an even 42 points per game, and that includes an opening loss to Georgia in which they only scored a field goal. They'll have trouble maintaining that average through a tough stretch of schedule, in which they follow this home game against the Cards with visits to Virginia Tech and Pitt.

Son of Clem quarterback Cade Klubnik has already surpassed last year's touchdown total with 20, and has only been picked off three times. He has also improved upon his completion percentage a year ago, while gaining significantly more yardage per pass attempt.

You really don't want to be Nik right now, whoever he is.

Clemson 45, Louisville 34

Wisconsin at Iowa

The Hawkeyes (5-3, 3-2) have scored 40 points each in back-to-back home games against Washington and Northwestern, which is the most amazing sports outcome in the state of Iowa since Shoeless Joe Jackson became literate and right-handed. In between, they went on the road to East Lansing, and were blanked in the first half of a 32-20 defeat against Michigan State. They're back in Iowa City this week, but the level of competition is more consistent with that one loss than with the two victories that surrounded it.

Furthermore, Iowa is yet another team with a fluid situation at quarterback, since Cade McNamara was pulled from last week's win over Northwestern with a concussion. Brendan Sullivan, a transfer from that same NU program, will most likely get the start this Saturday.

Surprisingly, these teams only rank in the middle of the Big Ten defensively, the Badgers in eighth place and the Hawkeyes tenth, with the statistical differences between the two being minuscule. The UW defense has faced three ranked opponents, however, and the U of I only one.

Ray Kinsella explained to his daughter that Shoeless Joe was innocent, because he double-crossed the gamblers by playing well in the Series after taking their money. Nice dad. No wonder he just stood there and watched her choke on a hot dog.

Wisconsin 24, Iowa 10

Virginia Tech at Syracuse

The Gobblers are gaining strength as the season goes on, but the fact that Miami and Clemson don't play each other leaves little hope for them to reach the ACC title game. They were one of many teams in Week 9 to win while making a weak showing on offense, as they gained just 237 yards in a 21-6 victory over Georgia Tech. Quarterback Kyron Drones was hovering all over the field, however, scoring one touchdown apiece as a passer, a rusher and a receiver.

Orange QB Kyle McCord needs to show that last week's five-INT game in Pittsburgh was a one-off, and not the exposure of a characteristic flaw in his game. His eleven picks for the season tie him for second-most in the nation.

As long as The CW is broadcasting this game from the JMA Wireless Dome, it might ask that sponsor for a little assistance. So far this year, watching a game on that network has been like streaming video with a dial-up connection. The College Football Czar is starting to think the CW stands for Can't Watch. The action is choppier than in any sporting event he has seen since the Laff-A-Lympics, and it's only marginally more amusing.

Virginia Tech 30, Syracuse 21

Texas Tech at Iowa State

TT tumbled out of contention in the Big XII by blowing a 17-point lead in a 35-34 defeat at TCU. After quarterback Behren Morton went down with a shoulder injury, freshman Will Hammond completed his first nine passes, but only one of six thereafter. Morton is expected to return for this game, but we'll see how long he is able to continue after taking a couple hits.

It seems like the Cyclones are recycling the same game over and over, facing a seemingly endless parade of mediocrity. Last game, they came from behind to beat a sub-.500 Central Florida team, 38-35 on a last-minute field goal. In four conference games so far, the best opponent they have faced has been West Virginia.

The first time the Czar saw Behren Morton play, he thought the announcers were saying "Bear and Morton." Naturally, he had to stay tuned until the end of the game, to find out if they managed to elude Sheriff Lobo yet again.

They did.

Iowa State 25, Texas Tech 20

Indiana at Michigan State

With starting quarterback Kurtis Rourke out of the IU lineup, it was cornerback D'Angelo Ponds who became the big fish, as he reeled in two interceptions, one of which gave his team the early lead on a 67-yard return. The 31-17 win over Washington keeps the Hoosiers at the top of the Big Ten standings. Coach Curt Cignetti says he is optimistic that Rourke will return to the lineup in East Lansing, which is about as decisive an assessment as we're hearing from any head coach about his quarterbacking situation this week.

Spartan QB Aidan Chiles might not be allowed to play in any more pepper games if he doesn't add a little spice to this bland MSU offense. At least he has cut down on his interceptions over the last four games, but his touchdown total is not catching up. In a 24-17 defeat at Michigan, he threw for his seventh score of the year, as opposed to nine INTs.

These teams play for possession of the Old Brass Spittoon. You might ask why they couldn't at least present one that hadn't already been spat in. But then, it wouldn't be "Old." If that doesn't make perfect sense, you just don't understand Big Ten football.

Indiana 33, Michigan State 22

Duke at Miami

After a missed field goal, a missed extra point, and a blocked 30-yarder as regulation time expired, the Blue Devils eschewed the PAT in overtime and went for two. The outcome was no better, resulting in a 28-27 loss to SMU. They were an incredible plus-6 in takeaways that day, but only managed to convert one of those into a score.

The Hurricanes have an 8-0 record, but they do not have the Turnover Chain. The College Football Czar says those two things are not unrelated. There's no way to promote selfish individual buffoonery and team discipline simultaneously. Head coach Mario Cristobal chucked the chain when he arrived at The U two seasons ago. Could it be that somebody is finally succeeding in changing the character of that program? Stay tuned.

Damien Martinez was a man possessed in the Canes' 36-14 flogging of Florida State. The former Oregon State Beaver tailback trounced the FSU defense for just under ten yards per carry, hauling the ball 15 times for 148 yards and two touchdowns.

A couple years ago, a memo must have gone out emphasizing that Hard Rock Stadium is located in "Miami Gardens," and not just plain Miami. You might ask what they grow in Miami Gardens, but does it really matter? It has probably all been decriminalized by now. On the plus side, that means there's no reason for the long-rumored Miami Vice reboot, because there would be nothing for Crockett to do but stand around creepily with his hands in his front pockets, like a very fashionable Art Garfunkel.

Miami 48, Duke 27

USC at Washington

The Trojans are taking a lot of flak for the size of the crowd at last Friday's 42-20 win over Rutgers, but there were a lot of mitigating factors. For starters, non-Saturday college games don't tend to draw that well anywhere, the L.A. Coliseum is an enormous stadium, there was a World Series game involving their home team going on at the same time, and their opponent was a not very good team from an entire continent away

This game is critical to the Husky bowl hopes, as they currently sit at 4-4, with games remaining against Penn State and Oregon. Last week in Bloomington, they failed to take advantage of a shorthanded Indiana offense, losing by a final of 31-17, even though the yardage was almost exactly even. The difference in the game was two interceptions thrown by Will Rogers, one of which was returned for a first-quarter touchdown.

One additional reason for the sparse crowd for that SC-RU game is that people in Los Angeles have proven over the decades that they don't like football that much anyway. Why else would the NFL have insisted on transplanting two teams there? The Coliseum doesn't even have a translucent roof like SoFi stadium, thus exposing the Trojan fans to the threat of direct exposure to moonbeams. Eek!

USC 38, Washington 31

Texas A&M at South Carolina

The Aggies showed up dressed as catburglars last week, and pulled off a great caper, stealing three LSU passes in the second half of a 38-23 comeback victory. As a result, A&M is the last SEC team standing with an undefeated conference record.

The Gamecocks' two big victories this season have turned out not to be so, since the teams they defeated, Kentucky and Oklahoma, have a combined SEC record of 2-9. Not coincidentally, they are also the only two teams in the conference whose offenses are less productive than SC's. In the Cocks' 35-9 win over the Sooners in Week 8, the defense scored two touchdowns, and set up a third with another of its four takeaways.

Mike Elko, first-year coach of the Conjunction Boys, angrily asserts that "this is a real program. It's not fake ... This is a real program, and for all the recruits out there, this is a real place." Had there been some suggestion that College Station, TX and the Texas A&M football program were deep fakes? Of course, Elko's team is real. Why, the College Football Czar just bought tickets to see them play next week at Wossamotta U.

Texas A&M 31, South Carolina 13

Minnesota at Illinois

Over the past five games, the Fighting Illini have gone 2-2 against Nebraska, Penn State, Michigan and Oregon. It stands to reason that in their one game against a lesser opponent, they let down against Purdue, only pulling it out 50-49 in overtime. The Golden Gophers are certainly more formidable than PU, but the College Football Czar still doesn't see how the intensity of the Illini doesn't let up for this one.

Quarterback Max Brosmer tossed four TD passes in leading his radiant rodents to a 48-23 win over Maryland. The former New Hampshire hurler has added a dimension to the offense that was missing last year with current Rutgers QB Athan "The Greek Rifle" Kaliakmanis.

What does a Greek rifle come in handy for, exactly? Shooting sheep?

Minnesota 30, Illinois 28

UCLA at Nebraska

The Cornhuskers came back strong after their Week 8 N-barrassment at Indiana to put up an impressive battle at Ohio State. Nevertheless, the 21-17 scrap, coming on the heels of a 56-7 blowout loss, basically eliminates them from contending for a berth in the Big Ten championship.

The Bruins broke a five-game losing streak by beating Rutgers, 35-32 in Piscataway. Since another three-point road victory, in Week 1 at Hawaii, they had lost consecutive games to Indiana, LSU, Oregon, Penn State and Minnesota. Rookie head coach and former running back DeShaun Foster has got a project on his hands building a ground game with this team, which is currently dead last in the Big Ten by a long shot, with only 64.6 rushing yards per game and 2.5 per carry. Rumor has it he considered suiting up himself, but he was afraid he would demand too much NIL, and then transfer to USC.

The Blackshirts are the defensive starters for the N-men, so named because they wear black shirts in practice. Yet in their games they still wear red at home and white on the road. What's the matter, aren't they good enough at wearing black shirts yet?

Nebraska 21, UCLA 10

Middle Tennessee at UTEP

The bottom two teams in what is by far the worst conference in Division I-A battle to stay out of the basement, in a strangely compelling collision on CBS Sports. The 2-6 MT-heads have beaten only Division I-AA Tennessee Tech and I-A newcomer Kennesaw State, whereas Texas-El Paso finally got into the W-column in Week 8 against Florida International.

You say Vattiato, I say Vattiato, but only while discussing MTSU football, and who does that? The Blue Raiders have a new head coach in former Vandy skipper Derek Mason, but they're still overly reliant on their QB. Nicholas Vattiato is carrying the offense with over 2,000 passing yards, but the team has only 613 yards on the ground this season.

The Miners may not have a powerhouse of a team, but they have got a great big M, It's on a mountainside next to the Sun Bowl, but it doesn't stand for "Miners," or even "Mountain." It's a little-known fact that it was originally the M in "Mexico" on the globe, until one day it sneaked across the border.

Middle Tennessee 16, UTEP 12

Tulsa at UAB

The Blazers' home field is called Protective Stadium, and fittingly so. For one thing, it certainly has successfully shielded them from spectators this season.

When former Super Bowl-winning quarterback Trent Dilfer was hired to be the Blazers' head coach, he awkwardly downplayed the importance of winning football games, and now we know why. Dilfer, whose coaching experience had consisted of four years at a Nashville-area prep school, was chosen over Bryant Vincent, who served as the UAB interim coach after Bill Clark's sudden departure. Vincent is now 5-2 in his first year at Louisiana-Monroe, whereas Dilfer is 5-14 in Birmingham.

The Golden Hurricane trailed Texas-San Antonio 35-7 at halftime, but came storming back to win, 46-45. The second half was all about Kamdyn Benjamin, with the senior wide receiver making three touchdown catches, to finish the game with 125 yards on seven receptions.

As if Dilfer weren't unpopular enough, he is often mistakenly identified as a creation of crackpot cartoonist Scott Adams.

No, really, he's not!

Tulsa 56, UAB 44

TCU at Baylor

The Bears had lost eight consecutive Big XII home games before beating last-place Oklahoma State, 38-28. In their only other conference home game so far in 2024, they nearly bumped off Brigham Young, falling by a final of 34-28, after spotting the Cougars a 21-0 lead. So, extending that streak of futility from 2023 into this season is a bit of a stretch.

The leaping lizards have jumped all the way up to fifth place, with wins over Utah and Texas Tech. They still need a lot of help to get into the race, however, because they don't play any of the four teams (BYU, Iowa State, Kansas State and Colorado) that remain above them in the standings. Against Tech, quarterback Josh Hoover cleaned up his own mess, coming back from two interceptions to rally his team with a pair of fourth-quarter TDs.

During any game at BU, you are likely to hear multiple references to "The Brazos." It turns out that is the name of the river that runs through Waco. The College Football Czar had assumed that "brazos" were masculine brassieres.

Just trying to keep up with the times.

TCU 37, Baylor 32

Ole Miss at Arkansas

The Rebels (6-2, 2-2) piled on the points against a week slate of nonconference opponents, but since the beginning of SEC play, they have yet to score more than 27 points in a game. A week ago, they trailed by four points against an atrophying Oklahoma team, before shutting the Sooners out in the second half to win, 26-14.

In hindsight, the Razorbacks must be wondering how they managed to lose at Oklahoma State in overtime in Week 2. Their only other setbacks have been to Texas A&M and LSU. In last week's 58-25 romp over Mississippi State, freshman running back Braylen Russell stepped in for injured starter Ja'Quinden Jackson, and rushed for 175 yards on 16 carries.

Did you know that a razorback is a kind of a pig? The Czar thought it must be a man who shaves his back, just before putting on his brazo. Well, why not? Isn't that the kind of thing that sports are all about these days?

Ole Miss 24, Arkansas 17

The College Football Czar

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