The Original College Football Czar

Week 1

If you're reading the College Football Czar's week one picks, that must mean that yet another long summer of terrible TV is about to come to a merciful end. So ... if you've spent hours analyzing whether the rumored Elon Musk-Mark Zuckerberg cage fight could ever compare to the classic bout between Danny Partridge and Greg Brady; if you've driven all your friends away by repeatedly lecturing that no real football club needs to put FC in its title; if you've watched every football movie so many times that you've decided to expand the category by including Son of Flubber -- then do not despair, for another exciting, fun-filled season of college football has arrived, and not a moment too soon.

As always, this opening week's installment of picks will be abnormally long, in that it encompasses the Week Zero games as well as those on the following Thursday, then running all the way through Labor Day Weekend. And now, without further ado:

Aug. 26

Notre Dame vs. Navy

These traditional rivals meet for the third time in Dublin, which is not exactly a home game for the team from South Bend, Indiana, but it might as well be. The Fighting Irish drubbed the Midshipmen there 54-27 in 1996, and then flattened them 50-10 when they met there again in 2012.

For the first of many times this season, we spin the Wheel O' Quarterbacks. Tyler Buchner has left the Irish since leading them to a victory in the Gator Bowl, and is now one of several contenders for the coveted Alabama job. The reason he had gotten that postseason start was that Drew Pyne, who took the bulk of the snaps during the regular season, had already transferred to Arizona State in early December. Stepping into the void is the prolific passer Sam Hartman from Wake Forest, where he threw for 3,701 yards and 38 TDs a year ago. That all adds up to another big recruiting win for the golden domers, except that now, college football coaches are in the business of recruiting 23-year-old fifth-year seniors

Brian Newberry has been picked to replace longtime Naval Academy coach Ken Niumatalolo. For the previous four years, he had been their defensive coordinator. In his head coaching debut, he will be looking to repeat the second half of last year's meeting in Annapolis, and not the first. The Middies spotted ND a 35-13 halftime lead that day, before a frantic comeback fell short by a final of 35-32.

At last year's Emerald Isle Classic between Northwestern and Nebraska, the card scanners at the refreshment stands went down, so the beer was given away to the fans for free. They sure can't afford to do that this year, considering the kind of crowd that's expected. You know how those sailors can put it away.

Notre Dame 42, Navy 20

UTEP at Jacksonville St.

Rich Rodriguez makes his return to the ranks of Division I-A head coaches, as his Gamecocks make the climb up from I-AA to join Conference USA. In his first year at Jax State, his team won the ASUN conference with an overall record of 9-2. In major college ball, he has compiled a record of 118-83 in 16 years at West Virginia, Michigan and Arizona.

The Miners missed the postseason with a record of 5-7 in 2002, but they hope to capitalize on this diluted C-USA field to give themselves a shot at their first bowl victory since 1967. They have since gone 0-6, including a tough 31-24 loss to a heavily favored Fresno State team in the 2021 New Mexico Bowl.

JSU quarterback Zion Webb was productive last year at the I-AA level, except that he threw 9 interceptions to only 10 TDs. This year, he finds himself in competition with six others for the starting job, including Nebraska transfer Logan Smothers.

Logan Smothers is not the son of one of the Smothers Brothers, which is probably why he's playing football instead of following in their footsteps, by doing that thing they were known for doing, whatever that was.

UTEP 30, Jacksonville State 21

Ohio at San Diego St.

As part of the chaotic realignment this offseason, the Aztecs kind of accidentally withdrew from the Mountain West in order to join a Pac 12 conference that never invited them, and will probably no longer exist. Their most favorable outcome would probably be for a MWC-Pac merger, in which case Cal and Stanford would probably want to keep them in the fold.

The Bobcats were unable to win last year's MAC title, but still managed an overtime Arizona Bowl victory over Wyoming, in spite of the loss of QB Kurtis Rourke to a knee injury in Week 12. The senior slinger returns this year, after tossing 25 TDs in eleven games in 2022. In this opener, he will be facing a defense that yielded only 20.2 points per game last season.

The SDSU football program is no stranger to instability. Just a couple years ago, it was in danger of folding altogether, having nowhere to play after the departure of the San Diego Chargers and the subsequent demolition of Jack Murphy Stadium. That was when the city approved construction of the on-campus Snapdragon Stadium, which the team shares with the San Diego Legion of Major League Rugby.

It's a little-known fact that it was named Snapdragon Stadium after a legendary center with notoriously bad breath.

San Diego State 27, Ohio 24

Umass at New Mexico St.

When these two maroon uniforms collide, you'll feel as if you'd been marooned on the Island of Misfit Football Teams. The Minutemen are only 3-37 in the past four seasons, whereas NMSU hasn't had a winning regular season since 2002.

The Aggies did go 6-6 last regular season, which was really only 4-6 against Division I-A competition. Because San Jose State had unnecessarily canceled on them and refused to reschedule, the NCAA allowed them to count their replacement game against I-AA Valparaiso toward bowl eligibility, and they went on to beat Bowling Green in the Quick Lane Bowl, 24-19. It was the first bowl victory in the career of head coach Jerry Kill, who had gone a combined 0-5 at Northern Illinois and Minnesota.

Massachusetts head coach Don Brown had gone 43-21 with that program during a five year stretch when they were a Division I-AA team. Upon returning last year, he found out how much things had changed. During a 1-11 campaign whose only win came against I-AA Stony Brook, Brown's boys were held to ten points or fewer on seven occasions, including a shutout loss to Temple.

If you've always wondered what Bugs Bunny meant by "what a maroon," just tune in and see.

New Mexico State 25, Umass 11

Aug. 31

Florida at Utah

The College Football Czar admits to being surprised by the dramatic improvement of transfer QBs Michael Penixjr and Bo Nix last season, but he'll be totally shocked if Graham Mertz produces similar results for the Gators. In his three seasons as a starter at Wisconsin, the best the Badgers finished in total offense was #87 nationally. That's partially due to their style of play under former coach Paul Chryst, but for Mertz to move the offense downfield seemed laborious in any case.

The Utes fell to UF in last season's opener, 29-26, when Cameron Rising failed to force a pass through double coverage in the end zone and was intercepted. If it seemed like a desperate play from the QB on second down, that might have been because the ground game had already been turned away at the goal line earlier in the half.

UF, in keeping with that fine SEC academic tradition, could be taken to mean UnFar, based on the team's historic reluctance to travel outside its conference boundaries. In nonconference play, the Gators haven't even strayed from their own state since a 38-21 loss at Syracuse in 1991. In the meantime, they've played 16 nonconference road games, 14 of which have been at Florida State, with one at South Florida and the other at Miami. The last time they traveled west of Texas for a regular season game was 1958, when they defeated UCLA. They have since gone 1-4 in bowl games out West, their lone victory coming at the 2006 BCS Championship in Glendale, Arizona. Mind you, road trips like this will soon be commonplace, once the Southeastern Conference has expanded into Salt Lake City.

The most common reason why athletes want to attend SEC schools is that they think the letters stand for Sex EdjumaCation.

Utah 19, Florida 10

Nebraska at Minnesota

The law of Rhule is that the coach gets better results the longer he sticks with a college program. At Temple, he went 2-10 his first season, then 6-6 the next, and then had back-to-back 10-win seasons. At Baylor, he went 1-11 his first year, then 7-6, and then 11-3. The problem for Cornhusker fans is that this is only his first season in Lincoln.

This Big Ten opener is not an opportune time for the N-men to try to put their offensive woes in the past. That's because the radiant rodents return most starters from a defense that ranked eighth nationally in yardage allowed in 2022, and fourth in scoring, at just 13.8 ppg.

Brevyn Spann-Ford sounds like a car dealership, but nobody can get bumper-to-bumper coverage on the 270-lb Golden Gopher tight end by that name. Now that the U of M must make up for the loss of all-time leading rusher Mohamed Ibrahim, expect Spann-Ford to be used less as a blocker, and more as a main target for sophomore QB Athan "the Greek Rifle" Kaliakmanis.

That's what the Greeks are known for, of course, their rifles. Just the sort of thing you need when you go lamb hunting.

Minnesota 28, Nebraska 12

Sept. 1

Miami OH at Miami

The Hurricanes got blown off their home field last year by the MT-heads from Murfreesboro. Might they now fall victim to one of those formerly traditional TomaHawk games, in which the Miami RedHawks, then the Redskins, would regularly take down superior opponents?

In explaining how he plans to improve on last year's 5-7 mark, second-year Cane coach Mario Cristobal said, "You go directly at the things that need to be addressed, and it starts with people." He meant that primarily as a positive remark about incoming personnel, but there's no doubt he's also doing a lot of addition by subtraction. Back in the aughts, other Hurricane coaches like Larry Coker and Randy Shannon tried to exorcise the corrosive character of The U from the program, to no avail. We'll see if Cristobal has any more success attracting recruits and transfers who don't fit the traditional Miami mold. If the team's visible lack of effort last season is any indication, he's got a lot of work ahead of him. The College Football Czar seriously suspects that some of those players deliberately dogged it, just because they were mad at the coach for taking away the turnover chain.

RedHawk quarterback Brett Gabbert is back from a shoulder injury that caused him to miss eight games in 2022, but that gave backup Aveon Smith a chance to gain experience while still leading MU to a postseason appearance. Smith was a dual threat who led the team in rushing with 553 yards, but he completed fewer than half of his passes, whereas Gabbert connected on more than two thirds.

Notice that the Czar only specifies the state for Miami Ohio, and does not refer to the Canes as Miami Florida. That's because they're just plain Miami, and everyone knows that without redundantly referencing the state. This is what is known as a default position, much in the same way that you don't have to specify the Men's College World Series like you do the Women's. Just say the College World Series, dammit. Everybody knows what it is.

Heck, the Women's College World Series isn't even baseball!

Miami 27, Miami OH 13

Louisville vs. Georgia Tech

This is one of refreshingly few indoor games being played in the opening week of this season, so the College Football Czar supposes he should be thankful. Still, why not just play the game at Georgia Tech, instead of turning it into a faux-neutral site game at Mercedes-Benz Stadium? Bobby Dodd Stadium holds 55,000, which is more than enough for this opener. Moving it into a 71,000-seat dome serves no purpose whatsoever.

Jeff Brohm, the new head coach and former quarterback at the U of L, is relying a lot on the success of his former pupil Jack Plummer, but that's more than just a pipe dream. The twice-traveled QB, who had played for Brohm at Purdue before transferring to California last season, passed for 3,095 yards and 21 TDs for the Golden Bears. Throwing a wrench in the works is a lack of experience among the receiving corps. Ahmari Huggins-Bruce is the team's leading returning WR, having compiled a modest total of 365 yards and two scores in his sophomore year.

As of this writing, the quarterback competition for the Yellowjackets remains unresolved, with Texas A&M transfer Haynes King battling it out with a pair of Zachs, Pyron and Gibson, each of whom started for part of last season. Assuming one of them is a north-going Zach and the other a south-going Zach, the College Football Czar figures they'll stand in each other's way, allowing King to walk away with the starting job.

Georgia Tech 17, Louisville 14

Stanford at Hawaii

Considering the extent of the devastation from the Maui wildfires, it's a good thing that the Rainbow Warriors will already have begun their season on the road. What is not a good thing is that their opener will have been against the same Vanderbilt team that slobberknocked them 63-10 a year ago. After a dismal first month of the season, UH suddenly became more competitive beginning with a two-point loss at San Diego State. A week later, they scored their first of two victories against the Nevada schools, on the way to a 3-10 finish.

Stanford, which ditched its Indian moniker way back in 1973, has long been a national leader in sensitivity, so the Czar assumes they will not be bringing their tree mascot to the site of such a disaster. They could also leave the most of their other personnel behind, without anybody noticing. Their three quarterbacks threw a combined total of 15 passes in 2022, and leading returning rusher Casey Filkens registered a modest total of 478 yards, with an average of 3.9 per carry.

Troy Taylor takes over as head coach of a Cardinal club that looks to revive itself since the resignation of David Shaw, the once energetic and successful skipper who appeared to lose interest several years ago. Shaw's powerhouse teams of the Twenty-Teens were characterized by his bulldozing "jumbo" offensive package. In recent years, the jumbo has been replaced with brunschweiger. The Czar is not entirely sure what that means in football terms, but it can't be good.

Stanford 13, Hawaii 3

Sept. 2

West Virginia at Penn State

Things could get interesting, to put it charitably, when the two worst fan bases in college football clash for the first time in 31 years. The Nittany Lions hold a commanding 48-9-2 lead in the all-time series, and they have every reason to expect that they will add to that advantage.

The PSU backfield boasts two outstanding running backs, Nick Singleton and Kaytron Allen, who last year combined for 1,928 yards and 22 touchdowns, as freshmen. As long as at least one of them remains healthy, anything less than another 10-win season would be downright catastrophic.

WVU might not be the pushover that series history and comparative 2022 records might suggest, however. Last November, Garrett Greene took over as starting quarterback for the Mountaineers, causing the widely traveled J.T. Daniels to transfer to Rice. From that point on, they went 2-1, with wins over Oklahoma and Oklahoma State, and a competitive loss against eventual Big XII champion Kansas State.

If the Nittany Lions opt to make this game a whiteout, the visitors from Morgantown will be completely discombobulated, because they're not used to the sight of white things. You know, like washing machines, newspapers, teeth, etc.

Penn State 38, West Virginia 21

North Carolina vs. South Carolina

The College Football Czar generally prefers on-campus games to neutral sites, but he'll make an exception for a game like this in which the location, Charlotte, is within reasonable driving range for fans of both teams. Also, like the majority of Week One neutral-site games, it's being played outdoors! If only the games at the end of the season would follow this same trend.

UNC was considered a CFP contender until a mid-November upset loss to Georgia Tech, which was only the beginning of a four-game losing streak to end the 2022 season. In those games, against GT, Nc State, Clemson and Oregon, quarterback Drake Maye was held to his four lowest yardage totals of the season, not getting anywhere near the 300-yard mark in any of them. If that turns out to be a key stat yet again, the Tar Heels could be in trouble, the strength of the SC defense being its secondary.

The Gamecocks already lacked much of a ground game before their two leading rushers from last year transferred out. Happily for them, they still have QB Spencer Rattler, going up against a Tar Heel defense that ranked last in the ACC, and eleventh-worst nationally, against the pass.

Charlotte is right on the northern side of the state line, so it's a good thing the students at SC know what direction to go in order to get from South Carolina to North Carolina. It was on their entrance exam.

South Carolina 30, North Carolina 27

Boise State at Washington

In coach Kalen DeBoer's first season at UW, his offense, powered by QB Michael Penixjr, ranked second in the nation, only to Tennessee. The Huskies' dominant offensive line has been depleted, however, and must now take on a BSU defense that ranked #6 nationally.

The Broncos have had a lot of success against Pac 12 opponents over the years, going 2-3 against the Huskies in particular. They have been beaten badly on their previous two trips to Husky Stadium, though, and they were blown out in their most recent meeting, 38-7 at the 2019 Las Vegas Bowl.

The BSU players were going to visit the Space Needle while they were in Seattle, but these days, that would be like trying to find a needle in a city full of needles.

Washington 24, Boise State 16

Toledo at Illinois

The Fighting Illini set the tone for a successful 2022 season by taking on another dangerous group-of-five opponent in their opener, and running away from Wyoming 38-6. Running back Chase Brown dominated that game, but he's gone to the NFL, and the U of I has nobody who appears ready to take over for him. That should cause coach Bret Bielema more than a little concern, heading into this opener against a Rocket defense that might be the biggest thing to hit Toledo since Jamie Farr's proboscis.

On the offensive side of the ball, UT quarterback Dequan Finn is anything but a fish out of water in the pocket, but it might be just as well if he were, because fish do not have ankles. Finn's numbers plummeted as he played injured through the last three games, including a 17-7 MAC championship loss to Ohio in which the Rockets badly needed more firepower. He's ready to return to form, however, behind an experienced OL that should help the dual-threat dasher improve upon last year's total of 631 rushing yards.

It's a little-known fact that Jamie was the first person from Toledo to turn pro in something. It was only a matter of time, given the way he dominated the ranks of amateur boscis for so many years.

Toledo 20, Illinois 18

Fresno State at Purdue

Former Texas QB Hudson Card tries to bring some razzle dazzle to West Lafayette, where he takes on a formidable Bulldog defense in one of the most promising matchups of Week 1. Card had been forced into the Longhorn lineup too soon as a freshman, and had since gotten lost in the shuffle.

Central Florida transfer Mikey Keene has reason to be keen on his chances of becoming the starting quarterback at FSU, where he remains in competition with Logan Fife. Head coach Jeff Tedford likes Mikey because he is the less turnover-prone of the two, but he might prefer the potential of the little-utilized Fife to the more experienced ex-Knight, whose numbers are otherwise similar. Regardless of who gets more playing time in this game, it appears that the Dogs will persist with the kind of relentless short passing game for which PU has historically been known, whereas the Boilermakers and their new engineer will attack more aggressively downfield.

Tedford's circuitous coaching career has included a stop in Canada, where he led the 2015 BC Lions to a record of 7-12, including the postseason. You got that right, Tedford's team had a regular season winning percentage of .389, but still qualified for a playoff bid. Just in case you wanted a glimpse of where the U.S. college game is headed, which you surely don't.

Purdue 35, Fresno State 31

Colorado at TCU

The buzz about coach Deion Sanders' Division I-A debut should settle down shortly after kickoff, once viewers realize that his team of transfers is playing together for the first time, against the CFP runners-up from a year ago. Granted, the Horned Frogs have got a lot of turnover on their roster, too, but they'll be by far the better prepared participant in this game. In fact, one could be excused for thinking the Buffaloes had fallen victims to a biblical plague by the fourth quarter, after a blizzard of lizard has come storming down upon their heads.

When these teams met to open last season, it was Chandler Morris, then a freshman, who stood behind center for the Horned Frogs. His modest 13-for-20, 111-yard performance was enough to guide his team to a 38-13 victory, but he soon gave way to the seasoned scrambler Max Duggan. This rematch gives Morris a chance to hit the reset button, with the possibility of shifting into fast forward before long.

Shedeur Sanders threw 40 touchdown passes to only six INTs for his dad last year at Jackson State, but he's not playing against Southern Arkabama Tech & M anymore. The 21-year-old, who had originally committed to Florida Atlantic, will be facing an extraordinary amount of pressure, with the inevitable accusations of nepotism. His dad isn't helping any, by already bristling at imagined implications of such during his press conferences.

When a scuffle broke out between two of his players in practice, Coach Prime scolded all the rest of the players for not joining in. "If one fights, we all fight, you understand that?" he said. "I don't want to see you all walking off when somebody's fighting. Never again!" So, he'd rather see lots of team dissention and injuries? Either this was a brilliant Herb Brooks-type psychological ploy, or else it was every bit as stupid as it sounds.

The College Football Czar is opting for that second thing, based on something else Sanders said during the same tirade. "I saw two of y'all walking off over there, and you got a key teammate fighting!" So the Buffaloes have key teammates, and other teammates who aren't so important? Was the coach suggesting that all the other players side with the key teammate by beating up the non-key teammate? Much has been made of the fact that when Sanders showed up, he basically ordered most of the existing CU players to enter the transfer portal, but it might be that they didn't even need him to do that. Maybe they just knew.

TCU 45, Colorado 17

East Carolina at Michigan

The Wolverine team that reached the CFP last season returns largely intact to take another run at it. In particular, it brings back both running backs Blake Corum and Donovan Edwards, the latter of whom came just nine yards away from joining his mate as 1,000-yard rushers.

ECU piled on a total of 102 points in their past two games, a 49-46 seesaw score-a-thon over Temple, and a 53-29 trouncing of Coastal Carolina in the Birmingham Bowl. All-time leading quarterback Holton Ahlers and his 13,927 career passing yards has since moved on to the Seattle Seahawks, however.

The College Football Czar has always hated the supposedly deep philosophical question, "if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" The answer, obviously, is yes, because sound has physical properties. Its existence is not dependent upon its being received, and anybody who supposes otherwise is a lardhead.

Likewise, the Wolverines had better beware, because if this Pirate team upsets them in the Big House, the result will still count, regardless of the fact that it was broadcast only on Peacock. The streaming service, obviously operated by NBC, will be showing the game to absolutely nobody at noon ET.

Aside from a smattering of football games, it appears to the Czar that the only quality programming on Peacock is The Weird Al Show, the short-lived 1997 Saturday morning show, starring Weird Al Yankovic and his pet, Harvey the Wonder Hamster. The 13-episode DVD is really amazingly expensive, so the best thing to be said about Peacock is that if you subscribe, you're basically just paying for Weird Al, and getting the rest of the crap for free.

Michigan 35, East Carolina 10

Texas Tech at Wyoming

Oft-injured Red Raider quarterback Tyler Shough had just gotten into midseason form in time to go home for the winter. In a 42-25 Texas Bowl victory over Ole Miss, the one-time webfoot ran for 111 yards on 25 carries, in addition to 242 passing yards. It was the very first time in his four seasons and counting that he topped the 100-yard mark on the ground.

The Cowboys were competent as usual in 2022, but aside from a quality victory over Air Force, they basically beat the teams they were supposed to, and at times were overmatched against superior competition. The results for QB Andrew Peasley tended to be measly, topping the 200-yard mark in passing yardage only once all season, in a double-overtime win over Tulsa.

This game is scheduled to be broadcast on CBS. Not the CBS Sports Network, where home games for Mountain West teams are often seen, but just plain CBS. The College Football Czar is pretty sure the Pokes haven't appeared there since they were ranked #10 during a 10-0 start in 1988. They tatered UTEP that day 51-6, but things didn't go so well for them at the end of that season, when they got stomped by Barry Sanders and Oklahoma State, 62-14 in the Holiday Bowl.

The Czar just happened to come across a video of that Wyoming-UTEP game while watching old football on YouTube during the offseason. He hasn't really committed to memory which games were on which channels 35 years ago. So he's only about half the mental mutant you might have supposed him to be.

Texas Tech 40, Wyoming 22

South Alabama at Tulane

TU tries to settle on a new feature back in a challenging opener against a team that ranked #4 in the nation last season in run defense. They expect sophomore Shaadie Clayton-Johnson to emerge from the shadows, after gaining 5.8 yards per carry in limited action in 2022.

One-time Toledo quarterback Carter Bradley became the first player in the brief history of the Jaguar program to pass for more than 3,000 yards, while throwing for more than twice as many touchdowns as INTs in 2022. The leading returning passer in the Sun Belt Conference, he should provide a test for a very good Green Wave secondary.

The song says, "from South Alabama come a country boy." But then, whom were you expecting, George Plimpton?

Tulane 16, South Alabama 10

California at North Texas

This one ought to be fun. The Mean Green have not hosted a power-five opponent since 2011, when they rolled out to a 24-0 lead against Indiana, and then held off a furious Hoosier rally to win 24-21. This time, it's Cal that comes calling, as both they and UNT are promising to open up their passing games.

As a freshman at TCU, current Golden Bear quarterback Sam Jackson completed 100 percent of his passes. Mind you, he had only five attempts, four of which were against Division I-AA Tarleton State. Nevertheless, it is on Jackson's arm that head coach Justin Wilcox is betting his career.

Austin Aune, who started playing QB at North Texas following several years of minor-league baseball, decided to enter the draft at the age of 29 rather than stay in Denton for one more season. He went undrafted, and then was briefly signed by the Atlanta Falcons before they released him one month later. It would have been more lucrative for him to have stayed in college.

North Texas 28, California 27

UTSA at Houston

One might think that the Cougars fled the American Athletic Conference for the Big XII this season because they were ascared of the incoming AAC member Roadrunners. If one were a lardhead, that is.

These teams meet for already the fourth time since the University of Texas-San Antonio joined the ranks of Division I-A football in 2012. In the first game ever played at TDECU Stadium on the Cougar campus, to open the 2014 season, the lightly regarded visitors from San Antonio shocked the home crowd 27-7. Now they return, trailing the series 2-1, with UH prevailing a year ago, 37-35 in triple-overtime. The difference this year is that the Runners retain their 4,000-yard passer, Frank Harris, whereas Cougar QB Clayton Tune has said "that's all folks" on his way to the NFL.

One might think that UH coach Dana Holgorsen is the natural enemy of the Roadrunners, but he is not actually Wile E. Coyote. He just looks like him, after his Acme rocket has backfired and dragged him over a cactus before smashing into a rock.

UTSA 33, Houston 24

Army at La.-Monroe

It may sound like a big deal to say the Cadets are taking on Terry Bowden's team, but the former Auburn coach, who went 47-17-1 at that school, has only compiled a record of 43-68 over the past nine years at Akron and ULM. One might expect the Warhawk skipper to be able to plunder competitors through the transfer portal, but it is he who has lost his star offensive players to other small programs like North Texas and Jacksonville State.

This is already a key game for the Black Knights, who again have saddled themselves with two Division I-AA opponents, which means that in order to become bowl-eligible, they must go 7-5 against a schedule that includes road games against LSU, Air Force, UTSA and Syracuse. If they do not prevail in this opener, they might not stand a very good chance at defeating another I-A team until the meet Umass at the end of October.

The ULM helmet logo is undoubtedly the worst one in major college football. All they did was take the old Indian "L" logo, replace the Indian head with a bird head, and leave the feathers in place to serve as the bird's wing. The result is that the bird looks all smashed up, the anatomical parts not appearing where they should be. A warhawk isn't very intimidating if it's only going to attack its own reflection in a window.

Army 22, La.-Monroe 19

Northern Illinois at Boston College

These are more familiar foes than one might expect, facing each other for the fourth time ever, and the third within the past decade. To this point, BC has eked out wins by scores of 20-10, 17-14 and 23-20, that last meeting occurring in 2017.

The Huskies' hopes ride on the arm of Rocky Lombardi, the former Michigan State QB who missed most of last year's 3-9 campaign with a leg injury. Unfortunate as that was, the resulting medical redshirt is the reason for Lombardi's longevity, as he now returns for his seventh year of eligibility.

Apparently, the Eagles think the only problem with last year's running game was a lack of experience, because the on-field personnel have not changed. In 2022, the team ranked dead last in the nation in rushing, at 63.3 yards per game, and 2.1 per carry.

Alumni Stadium has been standing in Boston for 66 years now. That's pretty sturdy, for being made of tinfoil.

Northern Illinois 15, Boston College 12

South Florida at Western Kentucky

When WKU last took the field, the College Football Czar had predicted that they would lose to South Alabama in the New Orleans Bowl. His reason for doing so was simple, in that prolific passer Austin Reed had just entered the transfer portal, leaving his team offensively impaired for a postseason appearance against a formidable defensive team. After the Czar's bowl picks were published, however, Reed returned to the Hilltoppers, and scorched SA for 497 yards and four touchdown, in a 44-23 toasting.

Moscow-born first-year USF coach Alex Golesh will not want Reed to come back McSoon, judging from the defense he has just inherited. The Bulls averaged an even 28 points per game last season, but their defense was so porous that they went winless against Division I-A opponents. Nevertheless, their offense was productive enough to keep them close in losses to Tulane, UCF, Cincinnati and Florida.

It's a pretty big gamble picking a Russki to guide your football program. He just might get drunk and crash it into the moon.

Western Kentucky 38, South Florida 24

Akron at Temple

The Zips once dominated this rivalry, winning five of the six games that were played in the 90s, but during this century, TU has gone 6-0, to take an all-time lead of 9-6 in the series. When last they met in 2021, the Owls scored two defensive touchdowns in 13 seconds during the second quarter, giving them the lead for good on their way to a 45-24 final.

Since firing Terry Bowden after the 2018 season, the Zips have gone 5-37, and two of those wins have been against lower-division opponents. Joe Moorhead might have started to turn things around, though. During last year's 2-10 campaign, they lost six games by nine points or fewer, and five of those to bowl teams.

Owl quarterback E.J. Warner is the son of Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner, which, as far as the Czar can figure, must make him his mother's grandson. Not only is there nothing wrong with that these days, but once somebody gets around to diagramming and naming that relationship, it will probably have its own month.

Temple 47, Akron 41

Sept. 3

Northwestern at Rutgers

Something doesn't smell right to the College Football Czar about the hazing accusations against the Wildcat program. If the vague stories of sexual abuse are true, that makes this a scandal similar to the one for which the University of Vermont hockey team was forced to cancel its 1999-2000 season. Yet, Northwestern's initial reaction was only to suspend head coach Pat Fitzgerald for two weeks. In response to the negative public reaction to this decision, the school turned around and instead fired the longtime coach, but promoted defensive coordinator David Braun to replace him, and left all the rest of the NU assistants in their current positions.

If the Cats' upperclassmen were really sexually assaulting freshmen as a manner of disciplining them for on-field mistakes, and this routinely took place not in a dormitory, but in the locker room, then it is implausible that a dozen assistant coaches were entirely innocent. Either the school is still not taking the allegations nearly seriously enough, or else the story is being greatly exaggerated, and Fitzgerald's firing was merely a cowardly p.r. move.

What really makes the Czar suspicious is that the original outrage has been supplemented by accusations of racism by unidentified former players, based laragely on the fact that Northwestern used to require all of its players to have respectable haircuts, a policy that applied to everybody equally. If this sounds familiar to Big Ten football fans, that's because there has been an attempt in recent years to take down Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz, in part because a couple former players called him a racist for prohibiting earrings. The Czar can't help but conclude that these ex-players are being put up to this, in order to satisfy somebody's scrambled conception of "justice."

Regardless of what the truth of it turns out to be, the scandal can't help but keep the Cats mired in mediocrity for the entire season. They can't even rally themselves around the "us against the world" concept, because they cannot even define who is or is not "us" at this point.

The Scarlet Knights' record did not improve in the third year of Greg Schiano's second stint as head coach, but the defense did. In 2022, the unit ranked #37 nationally in yardage allowed, but in points they were only #97, which is less a reflection on the D itself than on the team's minus-8 turnover margin.

The RU mascot isn't really a knight, you know. He just walks around in a protective iron shell because he lives in New Jersey.

Rutgers 30, Northwestern 13

Oregon State at San Jose State

There's a chance that these two could soon be conference rivals, with the remnants of the Pac 12 possibly merging with the Mountain West, and there have been times in the past when Beaver fans might have seen an upside to that. Following a 10-3 season ending with a Las Vegas Bowl blowout of Florida, however, it would be a shame if this team were deprived of a chance to contend in a power conference in the immediate future. What else might be a shame is pausing the growth of Ben Gulbranson to make room for former Clemson QB D.J. Uiagalelei, who, through no fault of his own, could prove to be a disruptive force on a team that did not need to dramatically shake things up.

The Spartans expect to develop more of a ground game this season, but somebody has got to help 5-7, 190 lb tailback Kairee Robinson carry the load. At this point, it looks like their second-leading rusher will continue to be quarterback Chevan Cordeiro. Former Montana State running back Isaiah Ifanse must have had fun whooshing his way through the transfer portal, because he transferred to SJSU last fall, only to transfer right back out after spring camp to join the Cal Bears.

Lots of people mispronounce "Oregon" by emphasizing the third syllable instead of the first, but everybody knows how to pronounce "San Jose." So why does SJSU put an accent mark on its football uniforms? Because that university is being run by a bunch of pretentious, corksniffing, un-American bottom burps.

See? The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

Oregon State 38, San Jose State 26

LSU vs. Florida State

Last season in the Superdome, the Seminoles upended Louisiana State 24-23, by blocking an extra point with no time left on the clock. That unlikely ending spoiled a stirring comeback by QB Jayden Daniels and the Tigers, who had trailed 24-10 with nine minutes to play. This time, the scene shifts to Camping World Stadium in Orlando, which is not nearly as friendly a faux neutral-site for FSU as the Big Easy was for the Bayou Bengals, the distance to Orlando from Tallahassee being almost a four-hour drive.

You can't knock Perkins down, and don't even think about stepping on his face. LSU linebacker Harold Perkinsjr led the team in both sacks and forced fumbles, as a freshman. With his leadership, this Tiger defense expects to be far better than sixth best in the SEC, as they were a year ago. They open with arguably their toughest challenge of the season, however, against an offense that ranked #10 in the nation last season, and returns with most of its parts still in place.

When Seminole running back Trey Benson wasn't too busy exchanging wisecracks with Miss Kraus, he found the time to rush for 990 yards and nine touchdowns in 2022, on a modest total of 154 carries. Perhaps he took her advice to "put it in a sock," which must be the German version of putting a foot in the ground.

Florida State 21, LSU 17

Sept. 4

Clemson at Duke

It makes total sense for the Labor Day game to be played on campus, at the cozy, 40,000-seat Wallace Wade Stadium, rather than at a neutral site, as has been the norm in recent years. After all, the long weekend is over. People have to go to work the following day. Not many of them are willing to travel long distances to attend a Monday night regular season game, as was illustrated at the lightly attended game two years ago, between Ole Miss and Louisville in Atlanta.

2022 was a successful but frustrating year for the Blue Devils, who finished 9-4 with those four losses by an average of four points each. They were unable to complete a comeback in a 35-27 setback at Kansas. They lost by three in overtime to Georgia Tech, and then by three again in a 38-35 slugfest against North Carolina that got away from them with 16 seconds to play. Then against Pitt, coach Mike Elko needlessly and unsuccessfully went for a two-point conversion, and then was obligated to go for two again on a subsequent touchdown, also unsuccessfully, to fall short by a final of 28-26.

Only Week 1 and already two contenders in the ACC are duking it out. They couldn't be clemsoning it out, because there's no such thing as clemsoning, eh, Dabo? In fact, the College Football Czar had always thought that Clemson itself was a verb, as in the present participle of "to clemse." If so, then the word "clemsoning" that had caught on back before the Paw Boys proved they could win the big one makes about as much sense as referring to a "hot water heater." Now, if you'll excuse the Czar, he smells something burning in the toast toaster.

Clemson 42, Duke 34

The College Football Czar

a sports publication from The Shinbone